Let's Call it Love
I crossed the doors of McKinley High with my head high and a big smile on my face, just like I was accustomed too. It was important to show all those teenagers at school that nothing they did to bring me down was going to work; so every morning I entered the school's property with a big smile.
I was about to reach my locker when I felt myself being dragged savagely by the arm. I looked at my aggressor finding no other than Santana Lopez, which was odd since she had been ignoring me completely for almost five months now without even acknowledge me to throw an insult in my face.
"What… why a-are you- Release me this instant, Santana!" I stuttered out, flinching when Santana tightened her grip around my arm every time we round a corner.
"No. We need to talk" Santana said without even stopping for a moment to look at me.
I couldn't help the shriek that escaped from my mouth when she shoved me into the janitor's close; the one near the science's labs that were hardly crowded this time in the morning. I was still trying to keep my balance for being handled in such a brutally way, when the closet went dark and I heard the click of the door being locked. I turned around and narrowed my eyes trying to spot Santana in the darkness.
"So?" I asked out loud. This was starting to make me feel nervous.
Santana was silent for a moment and I cringed when I heard a zip. It was the end of my young life, I was sure. Santana wanted to end my life and I didn't even have time to prepare the mix my daddies were supposed to play at my funeral. I closed my eyes tightly, letting out a strangle whine when a light hurt my eyes suddenly.
"Please don't kill me, it's too early in the morning!" I let out in just one breath.
"Cut the drama, treasure trail, I'm still planning that."
I opened my eyes and I was faced with Santana's smirk. She had her cell phone in her raised hand, its light the only source of light in the dark closet, since the bulb of the closet had been broken for a week. I let out a long, relief breath.
"Are you going to explain me now the reason of this abduction?" I asked her, crossing my arms.
Santana narrowed her eyes. "Look, I told you to cut the drama; I just wanted to warn you, that's why I brought you here"
"Warn me about what?"
"Yesterday we..." Santana stopped herself, putting down her cell phone. I couldn't see her face clearly anymore, but she was chewing at her lower lip. Was she… nervous? What was this all about?
"What?" I asked, frowning, starting to feel anxious.
Santana took a sharp intake of breath before continuing. "We threw a sleepover last night, the glee girls and Kurt. We were drinking and I lost control. I might or might not have tell them you lost your virginity with me"
I blinked. Santana said all of that in just one breath and it was like my brain couldn't process everything she'd said. Like it was trying to decide what of the two things she said hurt more. The fact that they didn't invite me to a glee sleepover, again; or the fact that all the glee club knew by now that we slept together which meant Finn probably knew too.
"I know we had some sort of deal to not say anything. I got it when I found out you didn't tell Finn anything and I just… I'm sorry I blurted it out."
I reached blind, searching for Santana's hand. I pressed one of the cell phone buttons once I found it and raised her hand by the wrist, lighting our faces again. She was looking apologetic at me.
"All of them know?" I asked, panicking once my brain decided that Finn knowing this was worse than the girls not inviting me to the sleepover. It wasn't the first time, anyway.
"Yeah, I guess so."
I nodded and took a deep breath. Santana's apologetic expression was making me nauseous. "Would you please let me go out now? A-and… thank you for telling me this"
Santana opened her mouth but closed it quickly, nodding. She turned around and unlocked the door, opening it for me. I stepped out immediately, not wanting to be there with her anymore.
It was such a relief when I found out that Finn still was oblivious to everything; but it was really hard to stand the curious and even judging glances of all the glee club members. I was glad to finally be out of the school because it was making me go completely insane. I needed to think in how I was going to tell Finn about it, because I had to. I just couldn't let the matter be and had another person telling him and put him against me.
Santana had the worse timing ever. I hadn't had a problem with Finn finding out about this mysterious person I lost my virginity to, if we hadn't been carrying problems in our relationship since last summer we were broken up. Things between us had been pretty difficult and to add this to the pile was going to be really hard for me to explain. He didn't like Santana at all and I wasn't sure if lying to him one more time was going to help with the issues in our relationship.
Now I couldn't even see him in the eye. He kept ranting about the next game, probably making his best to explain to me all this techniques, wanting for me to comprehend them and I just couldn't listen. How could I when half my brain was yelling at me to tell him the truth now, and the other half was yelling at the other half to for the first time keep my mouth shut? I rolled my eyes thinking that that was so Santana like. I almost growled. Why remember the reason of this problem, brain? I couldn't even look him in the eye, for god's sakes! I used to look him in the eye even if I wasn't listening or understanding what he was saying to me, and here I was looking down at the notebook, unable to do it.
"Hey"
My head snapped painfully to the side when I felt a soft hand in my lower back. I saw him smiling at me with my eyes wide; wondering when he had sat beside me.
"I'm sorry I'm boring you with football but I'm really excited"
I tried to calm my racing heart from being startled, and gave him a small smile. I tried to focus my eyes in the spot between his eyes, trying desperately to avoid looking into them.
"It's alright. I know you're excited. This is an important game for you and I'm glad you're sharing it with me." I told him, letting my gaze fell to the notebook on my lap.
"I said I would try. I don't want us to keep fighting because of stupid things" Finn said.
I had to bit my tongue for snapping at him. It weren't stupid things and I was starting to get annoyed from him bringing out that he was trying. I knew he was trying; but the fact that he brought it out every time, only made me think even more on the stupid things that had been tearing us apart. The fact that he didn't show up to many of our dates, and didn't even had the decency to call me before I got my hopes up like an idiot; or that he didn't invite me to the parties after the games when most of his teammates brought their girlfriends along. It wasn't stupid that he hardly had time for me anymore, expect those times I sat beside him to keep him company while he worked with his dad, only to realize that Kurt gave me more attention than my own boyfriend.
Still I had to bite my tongue to not tell him that, because I accept that I started to push him away recently with the excuse of my dance and sing classes or even for some assignment of the glee club, and that it isn't only his fault our relationship had been deteriorating so slowly. And I had to bite my tongue because I felt guilty knowing all of our teammates knew that I slept with Santana and didn't tell him anything about it.
I was brought out of my own thoughts by a hand on my chin. Finn turned my head gently and I cringed when our eyes met.
"What's wrong?" He asked, bringing his other hand up to smooth the lines in my forehead. His gentleness making me want to burst out crying. "You're all frown-y. Are you ok?"
"Y-yeah, why do you ask?" I asked, letting out a nervous laugh. I pushed gently his hands away, and stood up from his bed.
"Well, you talk like a lot and you haven't say much" Finn said and even thought I was giving him my back, I knew he was shrugging his shoulders.
"I-I'm alright. Why don't you keep telling me about your game?" I said, opening the notebook and going through the pages just for the sake of keeping my hands occupied. I flinched when Finn's hands turned me around. Seriously, why did he keep sneaking on me that way? He was going to kill me of a heart attack.
"I have a better idea" Finn said with a cocky smile, and then took the notebook from my hands and threw it carelessly towards his desk; my gaze followed the item sadly. I felt his hands on my cheeks and turned my face, our gazes locking once again. His smile widened and he leaned down, kissing my lips softly. I closed my eyes tightly and brought my hands to his shoulders, squeezing the fabric of his t-shirt.
Finn pulled away from my lips and I opened my eyes, finding his hopeful gaze. My stomach dropped because he usually had that one when he wanted to get something out of me. He put his hands on my waist and kissed my cheek, starting to leave wet kisses down my neck. I swallowed hard, squeezing even more the fabric on my hands. This was bad. This wasn't making me feel any better.
"Mom's going to be out all day. Burt's out of town because of a client, and I think Kurt's shopping with Blaine which usually takes like all day" Finn whispered on my neck, his hot breath making me shudder. Both because of the effect he had on me and because I knew perfectly what he was suggesting with that; and he confirmed it when he started to lift my shirt.
I wanted to stop him, but I wasn't sure how. I'd learned a lot of things while being in a relationship with Finn, but I never learned how to say no to him. So, I let him take it off, knowing I was silently agreeing with what he had in mind.
Finn put his hands in the back of my tights and lifted me off the ground, while kissing me on the lips again. I automatically wrapped my arms and legs around his body for support. He sat on his bed and broke the kiss, his lips now working a way down my jaw until he reached my chest; his hands started to fumble with my bra. I closed my eyes tightly, swallowing hard, fisting my hands in the hair at the nape of his neck.
"It's alright I'll guide you" She said, taking her hands and pulling them away, her bra coming along, exposing her breasts completely.
He was on top of her, his warm making her feel safe and comfortable. She wasn't completely sure but he's been so patient and he was good and she really loved him so she just accepted. And his sweet kisses and the way he touched her, making a huge effort to be gentle, made her be sure of what she was allowing him to do.
She licked her lips and surged forward, starting to leave kisses between her breasts. She groaned, tangling her fingers into dark hair, trying to pull her even closer to her body.
I came back to reality when I found my fingers tangled on a hair that was too short for what I was really expecting. I started to feel guilty for all those images that flashed through my mind. I wasn't sure why this was happening now; probably my brain forcing me to tell the truth. I pulled at the hair in my hands, stopping Finn's movements, thankful of the fact that he was still fumbling with my bra's clap.
"What's wrong?" Finn asked with a frown. I pulled completely away from him and climbed out of his lap quickly.
"We can't do this." I said, looking frantically for my shirt around the room. I found it huddled on the floor near the desk.
"Why? We're together and we already did this before." Finn practically whined.
"I know but…" I trailed off, putting my shirt on again. At this moment I was absolutely unable to turn around and look him in the eye, so I stayed with my back to him. I felt like a miserable person for thinking in Santana while we were about to have sex.
"But?" Finn asked. "Are you in that weird mood when you just can't stand being in my presence today? Because I should tell you we agreed on spending time together for the sake's of saving our relationship, Rach. I'm trying, because I don't want us to break up like last summer."
I shook my head. There he was again. I was trying too, I really was.
"You know, I said no to Puck's invitation to come over and play videogames because you wanted us to spend some time together and now you're acting weird and-"
"It was Santana" I blurted out, turning around with glare. I couldn't take it, I needed him to stop talking before I hurt him. Physically hurt him. He always put Noah first and I was aware that he was his best friend, but he spent more time with him than with me.
"What?" Finn asked, confused. A frown was marrying his face and he was studying my face, while waiting for an answer. That made me feel uncomfortable.
I took a deep, long breath because I shouldn't have started that way; but his words felt like he was digging a sharp knife on my chest and I needed him to stop. "I wasn't supposed to say this to you. In fact no one was supposed to know this, but apparently everyone knows now. So, you need to know and you need to hear this from me"
Finn's frown deepened and I came to sit beside him, his eyes never leaving my face. "Do you remember the time you asked me to tell you who was the person I first slept with?"
"Yeah, you refused to tell me." He answered, his tone harsh. "And we agreed we never would bring that up again."
"It was Santana. I slept with Santana" I told him. Finn looked to his front, with an expression so alike at the one he had at the machine shop, when he's trying so hard to figure out which piece to use. I bit my lip nervously, patiently waiting for an answer. I frowned when he started to chuckle.
"No, that can't be." He finally said.
"What?"
Finn looked at me with amusement. "Why are you telling me this? Santana hates you. I mean, if you want me to pay attention to you, you don't have to do this, Rach, seriously, I promised you I will be a better boyfriend" He said, taking my hands.
"I'm not lying, Finn." I told him in disbelief. This was really hard for me and he wasn't going to believe me? Probably this wasn't a big deal, after all.
"Come on, Rach. She thinks you're a loser and she throws insult at you every time she sees you. And honestly she wouldn't sleep with you because you aren't that-" He stopped abruptly, looking at his front again with a frown. I scoffed and pushed his hands away, standing up, and starting to chuckle out of nowhere. I am not that what? Pretty? Hot? Good enough?
"Rach, I didn't mean-"
"Finish it!" I snapped, glaring at him.
"Rach—"
"Finish what you were going to say"
Finn stood up and tried to reach for my hands again, but I took a step back from him, crossing my arms.
"I didn't mean it to sound that way. I was just… You started this! You always do this. You say these absurd things to me and then I'm the one who always ends looking bad!" Finn said, desperately trying to fix his mistake. I knew him; I knew him like the palm of my hand, and sometimes it amazed me his ability to put his finger on really deep wounds.
"I'm trying to be honest, Finn. I tried. I-I told you the truth so when it reached your ears you wouldn't feel like a joke… but it seems like I'm the joke here." I said, my voice starting to break and I hated myself for it. "Why is so hard for you to believe that she can have sex with me?"
Finn looked away, and I nodded.
"It happened, want to believe it or not. And you know, this is exactly why I did what I did with Noah, for what you broke up with me in the first place. Why I couldn't just leave the subject alone. Because I know how hot she is and I know how much better than me she is. And how you went and slept with her after you rejected me."
Finn studied my face for a moment and I just couldn't believe he was still trying to decide if believe me or not. I couldn't believe this was still haunting us. I felt the first tears fall from my eyes and I hated myself for crying in front of him. He didn't deserve to see me like this.
"So, that's why you went and sleep with her? Because you wanted to show me that you were hot enough?" Finn asked.
"No!" I shouted. "I slept with Santana because I wanted to hurt you! Because I wanted her to have what I denied to you! Because I know how miserable you were after you slept with her and I wanted you to remember just not that but that she got what you so desperately wanted!"
I blurted it all out. I couldn't keep it in anymore. He was hurting me even more than a year ago and I didn't care anymore about his feelings. I honestly wasn't sure I care anymore about this relationship, either. I loved him, but I was starting to feel this wasn't worth it.
"I can't believe you." Finn said, stepping away from me. I chuckled in disbelief. I knew him and it didn't surprise me that he was going to start now with the martyr show.
"Then why did you… why did you accept me back when I asked you another chance?"
"Because I love you"
"Bullshit!" He shouted making me jump by the force of his voice. "You wanted to hurt me, you don't hurt the person you love!"
"Exactly" I said, nodding. "That's how I know you don't love me. That's how I know I'm just your safe harbor."
"I do love you, Rachel."
"You don't. You think you do because I'm always here. I'm always giving you last chances but I'm done. When Santana told me she blurted out our secret I was worried of how hurt you would be, and decided to tell you myself; and here you are making me feel miserable. Throwing my biggest insecurity in my face and laughing at me and I can't take it anymore."
"Are you breaking up with me?" Finn asked.
"Yes" I said softly, looking directly into his eyes. I was hoping he could see all the pain I was feeling, but I was starting to think he had never been able to see and understand the huge effect he had on me.
"We promised we'll try."
"I tried"
"No, you didn't! You just were waiting for a slip to just throw me away!" He exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.
"A slip to throw you away? How about last week, when you went with Noah to fight club and didn't have the decency to call me until the next morning? What did I say, Finn? Yes, sweetie, I already have breakfast but I can bring you your cupcake. I call it trying. Or how about… let me choose." I said, raising my pointer finger to my lips. "Oh, yeah, just two days ago, when I called you fifteen times at your cell phone just like I told you I would and you said you were going to be waiting; and then I found out you didn't answer because you were at a party to which you preferred to go with one of the cheerios. And this freaking morning I was dying from the guilt because you were going to get hurt for something that happened so long ago and we didn't even were dating. I call it trying, Finn Hudson, I don't know about you!"
I took a deep breath, feeling my chest getting light from finally getting that out of my system. He had the decency to look guilty and I turned around and picked my notebook and backpack from Finn's desk, not even able to see him in the face anymore.
"So, that's it! You're going to throw that at me and leave!"
"Yes, Finn! I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. I can't come back to you anymore no matter how much I want to. You are destructive for me. The love I have for you is destructive and I need to back off before you swallow me whole. So please, don't talk to me, don't even look at me. I'm done" I told him, walking towards the door.
"Rach…" I heard him say weakly, but I didn't turn around. I needed to get out of there before I started to really process what happened and the sobs wrack my body. I didn't need for him to see me crying anymore because he would try to comfort me and I would fall once again in his arms. That was just the way we worked and I needed to get away from him before it was too late.
A/N: Alright. I can't believe I'm actually doing this. I suck at multiple chapter stories. I have a few still in process I haven't had the courage to publish because... I don't know I don't feel like it, oh and I suck. But I'm trusting I can with this one, and I'm doing it because I just totally love the idea of Rachel and Santana together (They're my favorite characters) and some of you wanted a sequel of "Inked in my memories". So, I hope you liked this start, and feel free to tell me what you think about it, good or bad.