"Are we brothers tonight?" "I dunno,Sammy, are we?" That was always the question of the nights when we had any spare time. It both pained and satisfied us both when the answer was a whispered "No" and we climbed into one of the small beds in our motel room, pressing tight up against each other. It was Dean's way of making absolutely positive that I belonged to him, and for me, well...It always started with a long stare or a particularly pained glance, which was then followed by the royal question.
"Are we brothers...uhm...tonight Sammy?" Keeping my heavy eyelids closed I drew a long breath and pressed closer into Dean's side,glad that he hadn't yet fallen asleep on the motel room couch that we currently occupied. I gave a half-hearted groan and buried my face in the crook of his arm. Dean chuckled and started sliding down and off of the couch, a sneaky trick that we used to do when we were kids when someone was being pinned down on a chair or something.
With nothing to hold me up and far too tired to change positions I simply let my head flop onto the seat of the couch with not so much as a grunt. Then after a while of silence when I knew there should be some annoying "Dean noise" I painstakingly pulled my eyes open into a squint only to see that the movie we had been watching had been shut off, finished maybe and that Dean was nowhere to be found. Sighing, I grabbed the side of the couch and sat up, back popping annoyingly enough, and I slid off of the couch and dragged myself over to my bed. I stepped up to climb in as a hand suddenly grabbed my leg and half asleep already, I just fell to the floor and muttered a sound akin to a question as I landed on the rug with a thump.
"You never answered my question Sam." Dean's gruff voice cut through my sleepiness and I shook my head. "No I guess not...but-" I was suddenly cut off by lips pressed hungerly against mine and as they pulled away I frowned and leaned in closer to where a ghost of warmth had been. "C'mon Sammy!" Came in an impatient, loud whisper from the other bed. Dean patted the spot next to him and as I stumbled around in the dark he gave a sigh and pulled me up beside him.
"God Dean I'm so tired,can't we just..." But I wouldn't dare finish that sentence, no, not when I knew he needed this so much. During the daylight it was never mentioned, I always knew what to expect after an especially emotionally charged day. Dean ran his hands through my hair and I licked my lips. He knew that I needed this occasionally too. I needed some way to express my jumbled emotions about the day and, well our relationship was complicated...I loved him...we were so close that the only way to connect and ease each other's suffering was to ...anyway, I figured that these reasons matched Dean's and that was why a majority of nights like these I climbed in beside him and pressed my head against his chest.
"You should really cut your hair." Dean said quietly, still rhythmically running his fingers through my apparently overgrown hair. I smiled into his chest. "No way,in hell." "What will I have to do to persuade you?" I ran my hands over his torso and nipped at his chest. "You'll have to take off your ugly shirt." Dean froze, his hands still in my hair and swallowed. "You do it, my hands are occupied."
I snapped wide awake then, the breath caught in my suddenly dry throat. We never really went farther than...well...some dorky kids on their first date. I had been kidding really, but if Dean wanted that... With shaking fingers I slid off his shirt and for a moment just stared down at his bare chest with scared eyes. I heard the blankets rustling and then suddenly Dean was on top of me, lips brushing my forehead and hands massaging my torso. To shocked to say anything I reached up and ran my hands over his chest, causing Dean to clench his muscles and bring his hands down to undo my shirt. My heart was racing as I was suddenly shirtless and pinned down to the bed, my older brother literally straddling me. I gulped. This was not how...it was supposed to be...whatever Dean was feeling inside... he must be pretty torn up.
"Dean...?" His tongue flicked out to lick the side of my face and my eyes rolled back into my head. "Please Sam...I need you." I responded by wriggling from his iron grip and giving him a long open mouthed kiss. "You don't have to force yourself...we could just talk about it pressed up against each other like always." Dean's lip trembled and he bit it. "Sorry Sammy."
I grabbed his shoulder and flipped him down so he was positioned beneath me and wrapped my arms around him. "Don't be." Then we pretty much made out for what seemed like an eternity, the heat between us never fading, the need to comfort Dean ever present. The thing about my brother is that he never really vented his feelings to anyone else;his shell was too strong. But when we went to bed together, I could feel his emotions reverberating through my body so strongly sometimes I thought I might freaking explode. I'm sure that when I was the upset one Dean felt that way as well.
With Dean still below me in a tangle of sheets I whispered. "I'm sorry too." He swallowed and nodded and I knew that he was fighting valiantly to hold back tears. Our feelings now thoroughly and painfully passed between us along with each other's warmth, I felt the intense need to take away his suffering. I ran my thumb along his cheek bone and whispered. "Even if we aren't brothers tonight I would promise to be the older one...I'll protect you." Dean's armor cracked loudly, expressed by the tears now streaming down his face. I felt my heart lurch and I lay down beside him, pulling him into my chest and allowing him to bury his shaking face in it. I knitted my eyebrows together in concern and rubbed his arms and back. "Hey..." I felt my eyes tear up as Dean's sobs grew louder,with enough force to shake his shoulders so that my body started quivering along with his. "I-Sam It's just-I c-can't-" He made a squeaking sound like a wounded animal followed by an uneven intake of breath. This couldn't be happening...Dean never broke, never faltered. We had finally found a way to take care of our emotions and now it wasn't even working well enough to satisfy him?
I wiped the tears now beginning to creep down my face;I needed to be the one Dean could lean on tonight. I had to step up and take on HIS role for a change. "Shh...I'm here, nothing will happen to you, not on my watch." With those words I felt Dean's body calm it's shivering and his breathing to steady. Then he reached up and kissed me hard before ruffling my hair adoringly. "I'm still the big brother, Sammy." At that heat rose to color my cheeks and I offered him a small smile. Then he nestled his face into my neck and then heaved a sigh,pulling his arms around me. "... you forcing all of this on me...jerk." I whispered closing my eyes and pressing my mouth against the side of his face. He smiled into my neck and I felt his tears slow. "Bitch."