This is my very 1st story.
Awesome, I know, right, lol.
I've never written, nor typed, a story before.
This story is not all that sad, surprising, not really.
I'm so sorry that this chapter is so long, it took hours to type!
Disclaimer: No, I do not own ASOUE, unfortunately. I wish I did.
A Series of Strange Events
Chapter 1:
The Berserk Beginning
Once upon a time, there was an elf named Bob. He had a singing unicorn for a pet, named Fluffy. Bob was the most littlest elf in all the of the villa-
I'm sorry, but this is not the story you will be reading. It has absolutely nothing to do with happy elves or singing unicorns. Instead, the story you will be reading is about, three orphans, two evil villains, some unfortunate news, and the adventure of their lives. If you choose not to read about such sadness, then I suggest you close this book, write all over it, throw it into a lake, put snake spit on it, cover it with dirt, then throw it into the fire in the fireplace to burn, never to be read again, and look for something happy like "The Littlest Elf", which can be found at your local library. Because all of the misfortune that will happen on the next paragraph is about to begin…
"Hey, wait a minute! I can write anymore! What's going on? My hand won't lift! Hey wait another measly minute-who are you?"
"I'm ! And I am taking over! This story is now mine! All mine! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"
"Hey! You can't take over someone else's work like that! It simply won't d-
Your name is Sunny Baudelaire? That's ridiculous! Sunny is a fictional character!"
"Well never mind you! Since I am now in control-not only will the Baudelaires be in it-but the Quagmires will too! Oh, and I know I'm not Sunny Baudelaire, she's just my favorite character-that's all!"
" Hey! You can't do that! They don't meet the Quagmires till the Fifth book! You're going to confuse everyone!"
" Well that's darn too bad! And since I am now in control-BE GONE!"
(Lemony disappears)
"There. Now that he's gone-I'll just continue the story in very big words until my head hurts! Now-on with the story!-Oh wait! One final detail…"
"This series will be hilarious."
"There. Okay!"
Their troubles started on the bay of Briny Beach. The day was foggy, so there were no people there to crowd it up. Well, there were people there-children I should say-who were all very clever and unreasonably attractive.
First, there were the three Baudelaire children. Violet, the eldest, was the most famous fourteen year old inventor her family and friends had ever known. If you knew Violet very well, you'd know that she'd always tie her hair up in a ribbon to keep it out of her eyes while she would be thinking of something to invent. Currently, as she was skipping rocks, she was thinking of a way to invent a device that would retrieve the stone after she had skipped it. Her friend, Quigley, was giving her ideas. You must be confused on who this Quigley is. Do not worry, I will mention him soon.
Klaus, the middle child and only boy, was a reader. Even though he was only twelve, he had read more books than any other twelve year old in the world. And he had the largest vocabulary. He had read shelves and shelves of books on almost every subject in his parents' library. You could say his mind was like a guide-telling you how to do something. Or you could say his mind was like a dictionary-telling you the definitions to usually large words. Currently, he was reading a book called, Fifteen Unusual Flowers That You Will Most Likely Never See with his friend Duncan. You are probably asking, Who in heavens name is Duncan? Well my dear friend, don't fret. I will get to him later.
Sunny Baudelaire was the youngest. She liked to bite things with her four very sharp teeth. She would bite on any thing she could get her hands on, and spoke in a strange vocabulary that only her siblings could understand. I should also mention that young Sunny was no bigger than a loaf of bread and hadn't reached her walking stage yet because she was going through a gangster stage. Currently, she was biting on a stick while her good friend Isadora was tickling her. Now, I know you are asking who Isadora is, but I promise you I will get to her.
Finally, I may tell you about Quigley, Duncan, and Isadora Quagmire. These three thirteen year old children were triplets, and were very proud of being so.
First there was Quigley Quagmire. Quigley loved maps. He was an excellent map reader and if you ever wanted to know where Sicily was exactly, he'd tell you.
When I last left you with him, I had said he was giving Violet Baudelaire ideas for her invention. Although, as he was doing so, he was reading a map that had all of Russia on it.
Duncan Quagmire was the second child in his family. He loved doing research, and planned on being a reporter when he grew up. He knew practically all of what was going on in the world. While reading with Klaus, he was jotting down notes about the fifteen flowers that he would most likely never see.
Isadora Quagmire was the youngest, and obviously the only girl. She loved poetry, and had written quite a lot in her lifetime, which all were couplets. She was considered a fine poet to all she knew and loved, and had thirty-seven notebooks filled with original couplets. As she played with Sunny, she was thinking about a couplet she could write about how foggy the day was.
Yes, these six children where all very gifted and wealthy. For the Baudelaires lived with their parents in an enormous mansion, and had an enormous fortune to go with it. As with the Quagmires who also lived in an enormous mansion with their parents along with an enormous fortune of diamonds, rubies, and emeralds. Yes, you could say these children were all very lucky and fortunate. But all that was about to change as Sunny sat up and said, "Packo poo noo noo." which probably meant, "Look at that mysterious figure emerging from the fog."
This is where all of the misfortune begins. It's not to late to check out "The Littlest Elf."
Everyone heard Sunny's gibberish and looked at her strangely, at least the Quagmires did.
(Author's Note: Ok, my head hurts now!! No more big words!)
Quigley, who was a distance away, and did not have good hearing like Violet, yelled, "WHAT'D SHE SAY?!?''. You are probably wondering who he was yelling to. That can be easily answered- he was yelling to the world.
"Quigley," Violet whispered. "Yeah?" he asked in his normal happy tone. "YOU YELLED IN MY EAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Violet yelled this very loudly and while she was yelling, bits of spit came out of her mouth. She might as well have caused an earthquake. "Sorry," he whispered lower than Violet. "Thank you," she said in her happy way. When Violet wasn't looking, he put his finger in his ear and tried to see if he had any of Violet's spit in it . There wasn't any.
A distance away, they saw Klaus stand up move few feet away from Duncan, and yell, "SHE SAID, 'LOOK AT THAT MYSTERIOUS FIGURE EMERGING FROM THE FOG', AND STOP YELLING SO Y'LL CAN GET Y'LL'S SMALL BUTTS OVER HERE!!!"
Violet and Quigley ran over to where Mr. Poe was standing with the rest of the children.
"Children, I am afraid I must inform you all on an extremely unfortunate event," Mr. Poe said. All the children stared at him blankly, waiting for him to give the news. "I lost the lottery," he said sadly. The Baudelaires and the Quagmires began to pat him on the back.
"That's O.K, there's always next Saturday," Isadora comforted.
"Yes, yes of course. I mustn't weep. Anyways, that is not what I wanted to tell you six." Mr. Poe replied. Again, the children waited in silence. "Quagmires, you know your parents were at the Baudelaire mansion, correct?" Mr. Poe began. The Quagmires nodded. "Weeeellllll, welll, wel-," He was interrupted by shouts of: "GET TO THE POINT!!" by the children.
"O.K, O.K, be patient, wel-" Mr. Poe was again interrupted. Only this time by Duncan, "ENOUGH 'WELLS'! WE WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE STUPID STINKIN' EXTREMLY UNFORTUNATE EVENT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"QUIET! Now look the extremely unfortunate event is…is…the Baudelaire and Quagmire parents have perished in a, mysterious, terrible fire that burned down the entire Baudelaire mansion," said Mr. Poe.
For what seemed like hours, the children-or should I say, orphans-stared at Mr. Poe, not believing what they had just heard.
"Duncan?" Klaus asked. "Yeah?" Duncan replied. "Can we stay in your house?"
"Sure you c-," This time, Duncan was interrupted by Mr. Poe who said, "No can do, a mysterious fire burned down your house too." "Phooey," Duncan whispered.
Violet and Isadora looked at each other and hit their brothers at the same time.
"Ow!" Klaus and Duncan yelled at the same time.
"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR CARING 'BOUT WHERE YOUR'E GOING TO STAY, IN STEAD OF THE SITUATION THAT JUST HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Violet and Isadora yelled at the same time.
"GABBA-GABBA FO FANNA!" Sunny yelled.
"Whaaat?" asked Isadora and Duncan at the same time.
"She said 'Look at Quigley'!"Violet and Klaus yelled at the same time.
They all turned to look at Quigley. Turned out Quigley had passed out.
"GASP!" yelled Violet.
"Sunny, go get me a wet towel." Violet ordered.
"WAKKA-NAKKA-GOO-POO-POO-REEP-CLAHG -WEK-SOULJA BOY!" Sunny yelled.
"She said 'Where am I going to get a wet towel?!?'," Violet translated.
Sunny ran off singing "Witch Doctor" in a chipmunk voice. She found a half buried bucket, ran to the water, filled the bucket with water, and ran back to the rest of the group. When she got to Quigley, she said, "Freaky, freaky, freaky…" and made a hand movement like she was singing a rap song. "…fresh," Sunny finished. When she said 'fresh', she poured the water on Quigley's face. Then threw the bucket aside, crossed her arms, and said, "Word."
The Quagmires stared at her. "Soulja Boy up in that oh!" Sunny sang while dancing the Soulja Boy. Everyone started at her. "Uh…Violet…no offense…but…um…your sister is scaring me," Isadora said.
" Your not alone. Everyone else is creeped out," Violet replied.
"Bakka-jokkartres-keenpiket-mer-rout!" Sunny yelled.
"FYI,SHE SAID 'Y'ALL ARE CREEPING ME OUT'!!" yelled Violet.
"By 'me' she meant Sunny," added Klaus so that he would have something to say.
"Enough!" yelled Quigley who looked really well and was standing next to Mr. Poe.
(Cries of 'your okay', and, 'bakka-poo-poo' filled the air.)
"ALRIGHT, I'M O.K! NOW LISTEN TO MR. POE! HE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY!!! Thank you for your time," screamed Quigley, with a normal tone at the end of his sentence.
"No, thank you. Anyways, I must take you to your new guardians. Well, actually to your guardian. Quagmires, your closest guardian is in Japan, and I cannot send you to that relative because they are currently in prison so you will just have to stay with the Baudelaires and their guardian. BTW, your guardians name is :Count Olaf. DUN, DUN, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!" said Mr. Poe.
"You were a bit dramatic on that last part, and since when do you use btw?" asked Quigley.
"I don't care, I can say what I want to, I'm a man," whined Mr. Poe in a baby voice. "Now then, get in the car," ordered Mr. Poe.
For all seven people to fit in the five seat car, Klaus offered to sit in the passengers seat next to the drivers seat with Isadora. In the back seat {getting in from the right car door} sat Violet, Quigley, Duncan, & Sunny on Duncan's lap.
"WE ARE SQUISHED LIKE SARDINES!!" yelled Quigley in the crowded car.
"NO YELLING IN THE CROWDED CAR!!" yelled Mr. Poe.
"YOU'RE YELLING! HOW COME YOU CAN YELL AND WE CAN'T?!?" yelled Quigley.
"BECAUSE I CAN! WHY ARE YOU YELLING ?!?" yelled Mr. Poe.
"JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT!!" yelled Quigley. This made the girls giggle.
"OH!" yelled Mr. Poe.
"YEAH, OH!!" yelled Quigley.
"CAN WE GET A MOVE ON?!? I'M STARVING BACK HERE!! LET'S GET A BURRITO!!" yelled Duncan.
"YES WE MAY, AND NO BURRITO!!" yelled Mr. Poe.
"CRAP!" yelled Duncan.
"SHUT UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Klaus.
That shut everyone up, except Duncan.
"But, I'm still hungry," said Duncan quietly.
"SHUT UUUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!" everyone shouted.
"OK, OK, pushy people," murmured Duncan.
So the Baudelaire and Quagmire children-or should I say orphans-set off to their new guardian, who they hoped to be as sweet and kind as their parents used to be.
But I am ever so sorry to say, that their new guardian was the complete opposite of 'sweet and kind'.
Did you like it? I know it's super long! This took so long to type! I wonder if I put too much detail. So, did you like it or not? Tell me in your review. {BTW} {The adventure won't happen until chapter 2.}{P.S.}{When I say this took hours, I mean it. On this notepad thingy, it's seven pages long!}
REVIEW PLZ!
;)