Hey all, I am new to the Card Captors fanfic scene, taking a break from my
Weiss Kreuz. ^^ I've been wanting to write some CCS for a while though. I
haven't read too many CCS stories on here yet though, so if this has been
done a million times, bare with me. ;) Anyhow, I'm using their
"Americanized" names, just because I feel like. Li is so much simpler to
type out than Syoran. :P (I am so lazy!) Anyhow, this fic was kinda
inspired by the episode where Meilin thinks she's useless to them and is
gonna go back home. I love her so much, as bratty as she is, I think she's
my favourite. ^^ I think I might be writing a bit of Meilin angst stories
if I continue on. But that depends on replies… *lame and cheap attempt to
garner reviews* Anyhow, this is a song fic, using Limp Bizkit's song
"Boiler". Anything in ~ ~ italics is song lyrics, anything else is just
part of the story. This is all from me, oh hold up. The characters are
older in this story, probably about 17 or so. Just thought I'd mention
that! ;) I hope some people out there enjoy this, and please review!! I
will love you affectionately forever!! ^^
*cries* Okay so my italics probably won't work, because I had to upload and dlete this damned thing about three or four times already to see if I could get it to work, but nooooo! For some reason when I upload it as an html document, it fucks everything up! So I have to concede and let it win, and just submit it as a word document. *grumbles and growls at ffnet* So please be nice people and leave me nice and pitying reviews! ;(
~*~
"Meilin, would you mind going out or something? Sakura's coming over."
"Meilin, can you cook me and Sakura something for supper? We're going out."
"Meilin, me and Sakura totally trashed the living room, would you mind cleaning it?"
Okay, so maybe the last one never happened, but I wouldn't surprise me if it ever did. To think, that all comes from my supposed best friend. God I really hate him sometimes! He's so blind, and so stupid. He makes me wonder why I ever bothered to move over here. I guess I just thought that maybe there could have been some chance that he'd open up to me, and realize everything that I had already seen. Nope, guess I set my sights too high, yet again.
~Maybe life is up and down
But, my life's been what to now?
I crawled up your butt somehow
And that's when things got turned around~
We used to be so close, you and I. My whole life always revolved around you. Everything I've ever done was for you. You were always the only thing that ever mattered to me. You were my life, my reason for living. I used to feel like you felt the same way, that I was important to you. You used to care about me, didn't you? Tell me I never dreamed it. And now, ever since Sakura has come along, it's like I'm nothing. Just some old toy with too many nicks and scratches; some toy you held when you were sick, who comforted you and cared for you, and now that you're not sick anymore, you just throw it away, not wanting to chance it making you sick again. Is that how you think of me? Is that all I am to you now, some little wind up toy that you purposefully set off whenever you want amusement? Yeah, that's right. You think I'm deaf, you think I don't hear you when you talk to her?
"Geez Sakura, I don't know what to do with Meilin half the time. She just has this way of going on and on, and I try to act like I care, like I give a damn about what she's saying, but I just don't. She never takes the hint either! She's like some little wind up toy that just goes and goes, there's no stopping her."
That one hurt. And you actually had the nerve to ask me later that night if anything was wrong, wanting to know why my eyes were red, if I'd been crying. I wanted to laugh at you, to just pack up everything and leave. You'd fall apart without me here; you realize that, don't you?
~Looks like I'm 'a do everything myself
Maybe I could use some help
But hell, you want something done right
You gotta do it yourself~
I do everything for you. I buy your food, I cook your meals, I clean your house, I remember every little important date that you forget. Oh, but let's not remember you and Sakura's anniversary. Oh would you have been lost without me then. Not only did you totally forget about it, about how you had promised her weeks ago that you would cook her a meal and buy her some nice present, that you would make that day a special time for her. Right, great job on that one. She loved the dinner you cooked her, and it made me sick when you just sat there and took all the praise on the meal that I had so graciously slaved over for you. And you just soaked it all up. And her present. You didn't even remember the significance of it, did you? You were so worried and scared about how angry she'd be at you for not having a present for her, and me, being the generous soul I am, looked through my little box of old jewelry, looking for something that I never wore anymore, that she had never seen. I guess you had forgotten it too, didn't you? When I pulled out that little charm necklace, your eyes just lit up, and for a second, a split second I thought maybe it had jogged your memory. I was so naïve. "Oh Meilin, she'll love it! Where did you get this?" I wanted to slap you. So badly! You don't remember much about our childhood, do you? You gave me that necklace. But I guess it didn't mean anything to us anymore, so I thought it only fitting she should have it.
~It used to be a lie
And now it feels pathetic
And now I get it
What's done is done
You just leave it alone
And don't regret it~
All you ever do anymore is use me. Everything you can't do, or everything you forget to do, always falls back on me. I remember when I first came here. Everything was so different. As annoyed with me as you'd act when everyone else was around, it was a charade. As soon as we were out of a crowd, back home, you would come back out. After a long day, when you were tired and upset, you would come and find me, and we'd talk, and you'd hug me. Everything would be all right after that, because I was a little like your safety blanket. When things got crazy, and out of hand, you'd turn to me, and I would make it all okay. I thought it was because you'd cared about me. But now I know differently. I was so dumb. How could I have fallen for you?
~Why did I have to go and meet somebody like you? (like you)
Why did you have to go and hurt somebody like me? (like me)
How could you do somebody like that?
I hope you know that I'm never coming back~
So this is it I guess. I'm tired of playing your game. I'm tired of staying here and watching you, being with someone that isn't me. As much as I've been through with you, and as much as I know better, and know that after you I deserve someone better, I can't help but still want you. You're all I've ever known, and I can't handle someone taking you away from me. I need you, and it makes me sick. I hate myself for being so weak, and for needing someone who treats me so badly. All I ever wanted was for you to love me, to return the affection I gave you. Is that so much to ask for? Even if you don't love me, couldn't you at least be a little nicer to me? Instead of yelling at me for getting in the way, why don't you take my help and tell me what I can do to be useful to you? Instead of turning your back on me when I'm crying, why can't you hold me, and tell me things will be okay? Why can't you be my friend, instead of being my boss?
I hate you so much.
But I love you. And for that reason, I hate myself.
~Depending on you is done (is done)
Giving to you is done
No more eating, no sleeping, no living
It's all just what giving to you and I'm done (and I'm done)~
So I'm saying goodbye. I'm leaving, and I'm not coming back. I hope you fall apart without me. I hope this makes you cry. I hope you hate yourself for doing this to me. I hope you feel like shit, I hope you realize how much of an asshole you are. I hope you buy me flowers, and I hope you cry every time you think about me. I know Sakura will take my place, and that she'll make sure you get over me. I just want you to know that I don't blame her. I don't blame her at all. I just hope you treat her better than you've treated me. You better make her happy, or else this will just have been a wasted effort. I just want you to know that I blame you. This is all your fault. I hope you realize that, that you realize your mistake. That's what I really want. I want you to admit that you made a mistake. I wish I could hear you say it; hear you tell me that you're sorry. That's what I want you to say. "I'm sorry Meilin." I want you to say it. Yell it; when you buy me flowers, I want your apology too. I deserve at least that much.
Goodbye Li, I'll love you forever.
~Meilin
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Li?" Sakura races up to the second floor, Li had said something about the bathroom. Rounding the corner at the top of the stairs, she saw Li on the floor, his head resting on his knees. "Li?" Her eyes fixed on her boyfriend, she watched as his hand pointed to the open door. The bathtub, full of water. But the water was red, and Meilin's body was very pale. With a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, Sakura kneeled down beside him, a hand rising to her mouth. "Li, you might want to read this." She placed the pink-hued parchment paper in Li's hand, urging him to read it. He looked up, his eyes misty, and began reading.
"Meilin, would you mind going out or something? Sakura's coming over."
*cries* Okay so my italics probably won't work, because I had to upload and dlete this damned thing about three or four times already to see if I could get it to work, but nooooo! For some reason when I upload it as an html document, it fucks everything up! So I have to concede and let it win, and just submit it as a word document. *grumbles and growls at ffnet* So please be nice people and leave me nice and pitying reviews! ;(
~*~
"Meilin, would you mind going out or something? Sakura's coming over."
"Meilin, can you cook me and Sakura something for supper? We're going out."
"Meilin, me and Sakura totally trashed the living room, would you mind cleaning it?"
Okay, so maybe the last one never happened, but I wouldn't surprise me if it ever did. To think, that all comes from my supposed best friend. God I really hate him sometimes! He's so blind, and so stupid. He makes me wonder why I ever bothered to move over here. I guess I just thought that maybe there could have been some chance that he'd open up to me, and realize everything that I had already seen. Nope, guess I set my sights too high, yet again.
~Maybe life is up and down
But, my life's been what to now?
I crawled up your butt somehow
And that's when things got turned around~
We used to be so close, you and I. My whole life always revolved around you. Everything I've ever done was for you. You were always the only thing that ever mattered to me. You were my life, my reason for living. I used to feel like you felt the same way, that I was important to you. You used to care about me, didn't you? Tell me I never dreamed it. And now, ever since Sakura has come along, it's like I'm nothing. Just some old toy with too many nicks and scratches; some toy you held when you were sick, who comforted you and cared for you, and now that you're not sick anymore, you just throw it away, not wanting to chance it making you sick again. Is that how you think of me? Is that all I am to you now, some little wind up toy that you purposefully set off whenever you want amusement? Yeah, that's right. You think I'm deaf, you think I don't hear you when you talk to her?
"Geez Sakura, I don't know what to do with Meilin half the time. She just has this way of going on and on, and I try to act like I care, like I give a damn about what she's saying, but I just don't. She never takes the hint either! She's like some little wind up toy that just goes and goes, there's no stopping her."
That one hurt. And you actually had the nerve to ask me later that night if anything was wrong, wanting to know why my eyes were red, if I'd been crying. I wanted to laugh at you, to just pack up everything and leave. You'd fall apart without me here; you realize that, don't you?
~Looks like I'm 'a do everything myself
Maybe I could use some help
But hell, you want something done right
You gotta do it yourself~
I do everything for you. I buy your food, I cook your meals, I clean your house, I remember every little important date that you forget. Oh, but let's not remember you and Sakura's anniversary. Oh would you have been lost without me then. Not only did you totally forget about it, about how you had promised her weeks ago that you would cook her a meal and buy her some nice present, that you would make that day a special time for her. Right, great job on that one. She loved the dinner you cooked her, and it made me sick when you just sat there and took all the praise on the meal that I had so graciously slaved over for you. And you just soaked it all up. And her present. You didn't even remember the significance of it, did you? You were so worried and scared about how angry she'd be at you for not having a present for her, and me, being the generous soul I am, looked through my little box of old jewelry, looking for something that I never wore anymore, that she had never seen. I guess you had forgotten it too, didn't you? When I pulled out that little charm necklace, your eyes just lit up, and for a second, a split second I thought maybe it had jogged your memory. I was so naïve. "Oh Meilin, she'll love it! Where did you get this?" I wanted to slap you. So badly! You don't remember much about our childhood, do you? You gave me that necklace. But I guess it didn't mean anything to us anymore, so I thought it only fitting she should have it.
~It used to be a lie
And now it feels pathetic
And now I get it
What's done is done
You just leave it alone
And don't regret it~
All you ever do anymore is use me. Everything you can't do, or everything you forget to do, always falls back on me. I remember when I first came here. Everything was so different. As annoyed with me as you'd act when everyone else was around, it was a charade. As soon as we were out of a crowd, back home, you would come back out. After a long day, when you were tired and upset, you would come and find me, and we'd talk, and you'd hug me. Everything would be all right after that, because I was a little like your safety blanket. When things got crazy, and out of hand, you'd turn to me, and I would make it all okay. I thought it was because you'd cared about me. But now I know differently. I was so dumb. How could I have fallen for you?
~Why did I have to go and meet somebody like you? (like you)
Why did you have to go and hurt somebody like me? (like me)
How could you do somebody like that?
I hope you know that I'm never coming back~
So this is it I guess. I'm tired of playing your game. I'm tired of staying here and watching you, being with someone that isn't me. As much as I've been through with you, and as much as I know better, and know that after you I deserve someone better, I can't help but still want you. You're all I've ever known, and I can't handle someone taking you away from me. I need you, and it makes me sick. I hate myself for being so weak, and for needing someone who treats me so badly. All I ever wanted was for you to love me, to return the affection I gave you. Is that so much to ask for? Even if you don't love me, couldn't you at least be a little nicer to me? Instead of yelling at me for getting in the way, why don't you take my help and tell me what I can do to be useful to you? Instead of turning your back on me when I'm crying, why can't you hold me, and tell me things will be okay? Why can't you be my friend, instead of being my boss?
I hate you so much.
But I love you. And for that reason, I hate myself.
~Depending on you is done (is done)
Giving to you is done
No more eating, no sleeping, no living
It's all just what giving to you and I'm done (and I'm done)~
So I'm saying goodbye. I'm leaving, and I'm not coming back. I hope you fall apart without me. I hope this makes you cry. I hope you hate yourself for doing this to me. I hope you feel like shit, I hope you realize how much of an asshole you are. I hope you buy me flowers, and I hope you cry every time you think about me. I know Sakura will take my place, and that she'll make sure you get over me. I just want you to know that I don't blame her. I don't blame her at all. I just hope you treat her better than you've treated me. You better make her happy, or else this will just have been a wasted effort. I just want you to know that I blame you. This is all your fault. I hope you realize that, that you realize your mistake. That's what I really want. I want you to admit that you made a mistake. I wish I could hear you say it; hear you tell me that you're sorry. That's what I want you to say. "I'm sorry Meilin." I want you to say it. Yell it; when you buy me flowers, I want your apology too. I deserve at least that much.
Goodbye Li, I'll love you forever.
~Meilin
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Li?" Sakura races up to the second floor, Li had said something about the bathroom. Rounding the corner at the top of the stairs, she saw Li on the floor, his head resting on his knees. "Li?" Her eyes fixed on her boyfriend, she watched as his hand pointed to the open door. The bathtub, full of water. But the water was red, and Meilin's body was very pale. With a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, Sakura kneeled down beside him, a hand rising to her mouth. "Li, you might want to read this." She placed the pink-hued parchment paper in Li's hand, urging him to read it. He looked up, his eyes misty, and began reading.
"Meilin, would you mind going out or something? Sakura's coming over."