Exhausting, that's what this is. Keeping up this persona for the last year has been so exhausting. The new hair, the new clothes and the contacts, all to achieve popularity.
I sometimes wonder if it's really worth it. I mean, the friends I've gained don't care about me, they just jumped on the latest band wagon.
And I so would, if it weren't for Hanna. She got a bit ahead of me by getting into the in crowd before me so I knew I had to up my game to stay with her. Ditch the books, ditch the glasses, everything.
Hanna hadn't been spending much time with me after she started hanging out with Alison and her gang. But, after Alison had gone missing, I got my friend back. I couldn't let it happen again, I couldn't let me being a nerd lead to me losing her again. Because that would have destroyed me, she is my world.
It may not seem that way all the time, like when I told her she couldn't come to my party after those awful rumors that one time. But, I had to maintain this image I tried so hard to build up.
My other friends wouldn't have accepted having Hanna there after that, and losing their friendships would have meant losing my popularity.
The fact she got hit by a car when she should have been in the camp with me tears me up inside.
I just wish I could tell her how I really feel, that I've loved her since the day we met. But I am afraid that if I was to do that I'd lose her forever. Because it's one thing to accept someone is gay, bi, whatever the hell I am, but it's quite another to hear from one of your friends that they're in love with you. It'd be like when Lucas told her about his feelings all over again.
Thinking of what I've had to say to Lucas since changing my image also hurts. He was a great friend to me once, and now all he hears from me are insults. I loved him too, just not in the same way I love Hanna.
I know that Hanna is friends with Lucas now, and maybe that should make it much easier for me to become friends with him again too, but I can't. She's so much stronger than I am; she's prepared to be friends with anyone regardless of their social status and deal, no matter the consequences. I could never do that.
I don't know how Emily did it, the whole coming out thing. I can barely admit it to myself. I like making out with Noel, I really do. I just don't know if I love him.
What would that even mean though, if I loved a guy and a girl at the same time, but didn't like the guy as much? What does that make me, gay, bi, greedy, what? I just don't know.