It was never something he wanted to expose. It was never something that was supposed to become more than a dream, a fantasy of sorts. He had meant to keep it locked away, buried as deep as the relics beneath the kingdom he'd lost. How could he have passed up the chance at greatness? Fate had offered him a chance so unthinkable, so rare, how could it not have been a sign? Of course, he had snuck in a few frost giants, but he never planned that Thor would start a war with them that would actually carry over to all of Asgard. He'd merely done it to prevent the inevitable crowning of his dearest brother from becoming king. Not out of jealousy, as so many claimed, but out of selfishness. His brother was everything to him, and he knew the second that Thor was crowned king Loki would be locked away to watch the kingdom fall away. He would be forced to endure whatever Thor brought upon the kingdom with his childish antics and be there to comfort him when Asgard went to ruin, unable to speak up and defy his power.
When Thor had been exiled, Loki never thought it would be the last time they would speak. In those few moments after Thor disappeared into the abyss he had vowed to go though with his fantastical, ridiculous dream if only to get his brother back. His father, well, his adopted father didn't bat an eyelash as Loki fought for his brother's freedom. The rest of the plan was laid out in Asgardian history, the mighty triumph of Thor over his evil younger brother, who was not his brother at all, but a blue-skinned maggot, undeserving of any compassion. The pond slime that even the lowest of creatures would not dare touch.
And what of Thor? He came back to Asgard with his beloved Mjolnir, the cursed weapon that still held a higher respect in Thor's heart than he. Oh yes, Thor had returned, but he had brought more treachery back with him than Loki ever could have planned. A mortal woman, a scientist, even the woman's notebook had taken precedence over what little love for him there had been. Yet, Thor claimed to still love his brother as he pulverized him with his hammer. Loki had only wanted respect; he had only wanted his own family to treat him as equal. Destroying that wretched planet that he was birthed from was the only way, but when he tried, Thor ruined everything once more. And then, as he was clinging to his father's staff for dear life, Odin still found it necessary to scold him. What more did he have to life for? What more could he do? In what way could he right his wrongs? There was nothing left, only numbness deceit awaited him in Asgard. So he released himself from that world.
But, as fate would have it, he descended into something far worse. Sent to wander aimlessly through desolate planets and unforgiving landscapes of destruction and toil. It affected him, more than he knew. Earth was a treasure compared to those other planets, and just the thought that his brother might be watching was enough. He would show them that he was made to rule.
Even so, as he descended to Earth, he knew he would fail. He was destined to fall short, and as he captured the scientist that Thor had raved about, he came to understand that there was no way he would win. He lacked a key ability, though at the time he thought he lacked nothing. Love. A simple word, a foolish one at that. But as he consumed the mind of the scientist, he saw through his memories a side of his brother he had never seen before. His own brother, who he had been with his whole life, had never shown that type of affection, not once. It made his insides twist, a feeling of emptiness and oddly, betrayal. These pathetic mortals had received something he had been fighting for his entire meaningless life. In mere days. It rendered him senseless, throwing him into an anguished rage. He'd killed thousands and nearly killed the same brother that prompted him to start this ridiculous quest; and through it all he'd poisoned himself. He'd poisoned himself with an incurable infection, a disease in which there was no cure. He was a monster.
"You must eat, my brother," the gentle rumble of Thor's voice broke his thoughts and sent a lash of bitterness through his chest. A silver platter sat in front of him, stocked with prime cuts of boar, ripened fruits and succulent greenery that would send most into a frenzy. But the very thought of eating disgusted him, the act of feeding himself made his skin crawl. He deserved nothing, least not hospitality. His brother unknowingly mocked his self-loathing, acting as a demon and attempting to convince him into collapse. He didn't know who to listen to anymore; the angel on his shoulder had been lost long ago.
Thor sighed, sitting heavily in the chair next to him. The massive Table of Feasting was overflowing with food, and Loki could sense his brother's frustration without even seeing his face.
"You vex me, Loki. Am I truly a stranger to you?"
Loki's jaw clenched, refraining from screaming that he was entirely right.
"I am sure you have other duties to attend than reconciling a traitor." He looked up, his emerald eyes locking with Thor's. He could see the sadness in his brother's eyes, but chose to ignore it.
"You are not a traitor to me. You were distraught—"
"And were you not?" Loki interrupted, his voice rising. "Were you not distraught after believing your brother dead?"
"Do not accuse me of—"
"I accuse you of nothing," Loki growled. "I merely point out that you did not drown yourself in blood when you were lost."
Sorrow clouded Thor's eyes before he looked away. Loki felt himself begin to tremble and he gritted his teeth cursing himself for being so soft. He had done this to himself; he had suffocated his own chance at being anything more than a groveling mutt, begging for scraps from those whose families he had destroyed.
"Do you remember when we went on our first hunt?" Thor asked suddenly.
"It is hard to forget being chased by a Scoffin," Loki smiled weakly, a rush of memories coming back to him.
"How foolish we were," Thor mused, shaking his head.
"I recall you wielding a wooden sword as protection."
"Indeed, and fine protection it was!" Thor gave a booming laugh.
Loki blinked slowly, trying to distance himself from his brother. The way he was smiling…it was not the smile he had seen engraved in the scientist's head.
"Even so, I would have died that day if not for you."
"Surely you jest," Loki snorted, but Thor shook his head.
"You deceived the beast, sending it off the side of the mountain, do you remember?"
He did, but he also remembered Odin discovering the Scoffin's body and hailing Thor a hero for slaying the reptilian creature, and Thor had done nothing to persuade him otherwise. "Yes, I remember."
"I have not forgotten that day."
"How could you? Your father had it written on every tablet and scroll he could find."
"Yes, I thought you might remember it that way." Loki looked up, meeting Thor's eyes once more. They flashed mischievously for a moment, as if he were hiding something.
"What?"
"I remember that day, Loki, because it was the first time I was envious of your power. I loathed the way you could use magic, trick mountain dwarves and deceive creatures ten times our age. I could do nothing more than make sparks at my fingertips."
The words made his head spin, an inconceivable feeling of warmth spread through him. It was probably an elaborate lie…no; Loki could sense the truth in his words.
"Even after I was given Mjolnir, I felt I could not best you. Where I excelled in combat, you triumphed in reason." He rested a hand on Loki's shoulder. "During my exile I discovered that my strength would not be enough to rule a kingdom, so I mirrored you. Through you, brother, I found the ability to humble myself and live without expecting greatness."
Loki stood, turning away before Thor could see the redness of his eyes. How pathetic he was, tearing up over a few words; it made him sick. He's lying. He has to be lying. Thor followed, and Loki could hear the smile on his lips as he spoke again,
"When I found out you had lied to me, I was not angry at you, but angry at myself. I finally understood why you did it," Thor's voice began to shake. "I-I was so angry that I didn't see it earlier. It was I all along, wasn't it? Was it not I who drove you to this place?"
Loki froze as the world around him began to swim. How long had he waited for those words? Such a simple statement, but it was everything to him. His vision blurred and he felt a hot tear begin to trickle down his cheek. He swiftly wiped it away and faced his brother. He smiled, lifting his palm to Thor's cheek.
"It was my own doing. Never blame yourself for what I have done."
Thor shook his head. "I do not blame, I know it is true."
"Then know that it no longer matters," Loki released a shuddering laugh. Finally. He clenched his jaw, trying to will himself from crying, but when he saw Thor's eyes pool with tears, he couldn't contain it anymore. He had only seen his brother cry one other time, when he had lied to his face about Odin's death.
"I was so blinded…if only I had seen what I was doing to you—"
"Be still, my brother. It's all right. How could you have known?" Loki's voice was gentle, a warm smile on his face.
"I could have caught you, I could have caught you before you let go—"
"No," Loki shook his head defiantly. "It was best you let me fall."
Suddenly Thor's arms were wrapped around him, pulling him into a crushing embrace. The constricting feeling of something as simple as a hug was alien to him. He was so used to jumping away from contact, the last time he'd come close to hugging his brother he'd shoved a blade into his belly. He felt Thor shudder with near sobs, devastated at the realization of what he had done to his brother. Without a second thought, Loki lifted his arms, returning the embrace.
"I'm so sorry…" Thor murmured, his voice muffled by Loki's shoulder. "It was I who betrayed you."
Loki shook his head. "Love is whatever you can still betray. Betrayal can only happen if you love."
SO MANY FEELINGS. ASKJDSNKDSD. I CAN'T.
seriously though, what is my problem with weird angsty avengers oneshots. every time i see this movie i am compelled to write another one.