Disclaimer: It all belongs to the brilliant mind of Stephenie Meyer.
Summary: Have you ever wondered about life? I have... it's not pretty.
Dead or Alive
Have you ever wondered about life? Have you ever wondered about the "what if"s? What if you had made a choice differently? Would your life be completely different or are some things meant to be? Is there such a thing as destiny or are we in full control of life's choices. You never know, but you always wonder.
And what about death? Are there really such things as heaven or hell? Does our soul really live on in those places according to the way we act during our lives? Or do we get reincarnated? Maybe religion decides what is in store for us after death. I guess everyone gets what they deserve in the end in some way.
But what did I do to deserved this? What can anyone ever do to deserved this kind of punishment? Shouldn't everyone deserve the same? Shouldn't life have a certain pattern it's bound to? You are born, you grow up, you pay taxes and you die. That should be the four things in life you can't escape from. Why then, am I dead? My cold body and still heart are more than enough proof of that fact. And yet I'm still here, still living.
Why am I caught in this half-life, neither dead nor living, with a perpetual thirst for the liquid of life? Why have I been turned into this monster? And if this is supposed to be some kind of reward, which by the way would be a very sick joke, what did I do to deserve this then? What could I possibly still do with my life now? Wouldn't it have been better if I just died young? What could I still achieve if I am to be around forever, but nobody should find out I do not age? Any major achievements would have people writing about me in history books and my cover would be blown.
It must have been a mistake, eternal life is not for me. And yet, I can't bring myself to leave either. Our ideas might clash and I might hate him for changing me, something about Carlisle draws me in. He's living proof, no pun intended, that we don't have to be monsters. That we can make a difference without standing out.
His thoughts keep me from leaving too. I read in his mind that before me, he was lonely. How can I leave him now and not feel guilty for doing so? He didn't mean for me to be tortured so and my mother did beg him to save me in any way he could. I don't think my mother meant it like this, but she did get her wish, I didn't die of the Spanish Influenza.
I guess I should be grateful at some point. I mean, at least I don't have to face eternity on my own. So, in a way, I can and can't make myself hate Carlisle for changing me. I might hate this cursed life and having to sit it out, I can't hate Carlisle for wanting someone to talk to, to really talk to, after being alone for so long.
What if I had had a choice though? What if all of us had had the choice at that time? Would there have been those who choose this existence willingly? I won't deny I was scared to die when I was admitted to hospital, but would I have been scared enough of the unknown to choose this existence? Now the answer is easy, no I wouldn't, but back then. I don't know. Maybe I would have.
A/N: Hope you liked it. Please review. Oh and you get to decided: Should I continue this or leave it here?