101 Things Not To Do On The Job

by sirenxas

As the title suggests, go on a journey with the crew as they show you what not to do while on a job. Based on my own randomness and actual in-game experience with the AIs. Alternate Universe. Rated M for language. I may not actually do 101 things, but I wanted breathing room. Characters may not match their in-game personalities. Takes place during Payday 2. On Hiatus as of 2/2016.

1. Chapter 1

1 out of 101 things NOT to do while on a job… Take a Smoke Break

"Dallas! Dallas! God damn it! Hellooooo?" Chains screamed while surrounded by a bunch of SWAT team members. He anxiously kept jamming bullets into his secondary weapon up until he couldn't lift the gun anymore.

Dallas stood by the side of the only good china store in town, calmly smoking a cigarette.

"Come the fuck on!" Chains cried. The clock was counting down until he was literally in chains. Or handcuffs. Or both.

"ARGH!" Hoxton fell over, now down. Chains cussed.

Suddenly Chains was pulled up by an officer with a shield and taken to an armored automobile.

"Dallas? Dallas!" Hoxton yelled. Thus, the cycle began again.

"Hey, dude. Can I get a smoke off you?" A random civilian asked.

"Eh, sure whatever." Dallas replied, handing a cigarette to him. I have to continue looking not suspicious… Even though I'm wearing a freaky yet patriotic clown mask.

"Look at those two morons. One's getting arrested for robbing a bank and the other's close to dead I think."

Dallas felt his eyes grow as big as saucers behind his mask. The cigarette dropped from his mouth onto the pavement.

"Oh shit! They started without me! I'll never earn the end of this from Vlad or Bain..."

2 out of 101 things NOT to do while on a job… Get Gifts For Girlfriends

"Okay, I've disabled the cameras." Wolf said, walking out of the jewelry store's security room. "Tack for letting me borrow the saw, Chains."

"No prob, dude." Chains said, putting the saw away into his favorite duffel bag.

"Guys, where's Hoxton?" Dallas asked, after he finished tying up the last civilian.

"Oh, none of these are her or even my colors..." Hoxton pouted, lifting another pair of earrings to his face. "Are you sure that these are the only ones that are in my price range?"

"Just take anything you want!" The cashier cried. She was tied up and yet scared shitless.

"Ah. How about these emerald earrings? $200 is okay?" Hoxton asked, holding up a pair of emerald fancy earrings worth $500.

"Yes! Yes! Just take it..." The terrified woman screamed.

"Hoxton! Hoxton! Sluta med det där! Sluta! Someone will see!" Wolf yelled through the wall.

Suddenly a voice could be heard through the walkie talkie Dallas was carrying.

"Fuck me. We got company. It should take 'em a minute to get here..." Dallas shouted at the other guys. "Chains, ammo status."

"My ammo bag only has one use left..."

"Crap! Wolf, trip mines?"

"Only two left. That färd to those four stores for the Ryska, did what do you say… depleted my supply."

"We're screwed. We're so screwed. I only have two uses of my doctor bag. We aren't gonna make it out alive. Alright, panic mode. Everyone grab a ba-"

Suddenly police sirens rang out.

"How about the rubies? I think they'll go good with the mask. My chick loves the mask. Whatcha think?" Hoxton asked.

Dallas grabbed Hoxton by the wrist and dragged him to another display case. Dallas crouched down.

"Ooohhh pearls! I lov-" Hoxton was interrupted mid-sentence by a giant bullet to his chest.

Wolf and Chains looked at Dallas.

"What? You can lead a horse to a safe place but you can't make him save himself. Besides, he deserved it..." Dallas muttered quietly, not loud enough for the police to overhear.

"Du är så körd i huvudet..." Wolf whispered.

"Whatever you said, I most likely agree with you." Chains said, smiling.

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Wolf speaks Swedish. I don't know or speak Swedish. So I used Google Translate. So if it's wrong, that's why.

Wolf's Glossary (in order of apperance): tack → thanks, färd → trip, Ryska → Russian, Du är så körd i huvudet → you are so fucked in the head

Author's Note: I just started playing Payday 2 like a few days ago. And I didn't play Payday: The Heist. So yes, the character's personalities may not match up to the game in this story. But I wrote this mainly for fun! :) (Please enjoy and review and favorite and… everything else!) Each chapter will include 2 things not to do. Doubt I will actually do 101, but I wanted breathing room.

Plus, the 1st thing has actually happened to me. On many occasions. Damn you Dallas! By the way, thank you for reading!