A/N: All fics posted from this account are authorized reposts from a specific group of writers on AO3. For info on who we are and links to the AO3 fics, check out our profile! This fic was written by Maddie, Kate, and Melissa.
Shit. Aomine thought, spotting the police lights in his rearview mirror and pulling over. As he waited for the cop to approach, strategies began running through his head. He'd managed to talk himself out of quite a few tickets, and with any luck, this would be no exception.
Aomine rolled down his window and turned to look up and the officer… and his mind instantly went fuzzy. Oh no, he's hot.
"License and registration please," Kuroko said, holding out his hands for the papers.
"How about my license and a phone number to go with it?"
Kuroko gave the other an unimpressed look. "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" Kuroko asked him.
"Do you know how pretty your face is?" Aomine blurted out. Fuck.
"Yes, I do. Now, license and registration please. Without the phone number."
"I think I should be the one writing you up officer. The amount of sexy you are is most definitely illegal."
"You can't write up an officer," Kuroko said flatly. "Please cooperate, or I will be forced to arrest you."
Aomine waggled his eyebrows, never stopping. "Oooh, handcuffs, eh? Kinky~~"
"If you won't hand me your license and registration then please step out of the car."
"Hmmm, I dunno officer. I would much rather you come in here~"
"You understand that sexual harassment is illegal, right?" Kuroko asked, raising an eyebrow.
"It wouldn't be sexual harassment if you came in here and actually had sex with me, right?"
"No, then it would be rape," Kuroko deadpanned.
Aomine pouted. "Now that's completely uncalled for. I'm a complete gentleman. I'll even let you choose who bottoms."
Kuroko rolled his eyes. "Sir, please stop wasting my time. I just need your license and registration."
Aomine opened his mouth to reply but suddenly spotted a fast-approaching car out of the corner of his eye. He would have just given the officer a verbal warning, but then he noticed the car was directly on the path to actually hitting him. "Uhhhh… shit, get in here!" he exclaimed, grabbing Kuroko by the front of his shirt and pulling him in through the window of his car.
Kuroko let out a surprised squeak as he was jerked through the window and ended up face planting into the guy's crotch, arms and legs flailing a bit. "I will shoot you if you don't release me right now," he threatened after a moment to get over his surprise.
The passing car actually came close enough that it missed Kuroko's feet by barely an inch. "Okay, okay! Consider yourself released starting right now, I swear!" Aomine said, his voice dangerously close to cracking in panic, and he fumbled around blindly for the door handle, as Kuroko's limbs were blocking his view.
Kuroko tensed when he felt the wind from the car that he realized was probably going to hit him, although he couldn't quite tell since he face was still pressed to the fabric of Aomine's jeans.
"Um, I swear that wasn't just so I could get your face on my dick. I mean, the earlier shit was, but I was genuinely trying to save your life just now. But uh. Expressing your gratitude through a blow job would be totally acceptable."
"I am not giving you a blow job. Certainly not in this position." It took a bit of work, and a not-so-gentle hand pressing against Aomine's crotch for leverage, but Kuroko managed to push himself back up and maneuver his way out of the window.
"Was thAT REALLY NECESSARY?" Aomine squeaked, holding his crotch in pain.
"You weren't fast enough in helping me move. I had to do it myself," Kuroko replied. "So, yes, it was."
A pained groan and several muttered obscenities were about all Aomine could manage for the next several seconds until the pain lessened. "...Okay," he said eventually. "How about a 'thank you for saving my life' kiss?"
"How about I don't give you a ticket this time," Kuroko replied.
"So you're saying there'll be a next time? I knew it, you did like me after all!" Aomine smirked.
"I said that because I don't believe that you'll be driving safe in the future since you weren't now either," Kuroko told him.
Aomine held a hand to his heart, feigning hurt. "Why, you wound me! You'll have to take responsibility." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"I'm not a paramedic. I have no responsibility for your physical health."
"But I think this boner might be criminal. You might need to have a look at it, officer."
"Don't make me change my mind about giving you that ticket."
"No, wait, negotiations are still open! How about… instead of paying for a ticket, I pay for your dinner tomorrow night?"
"If I agree, do you promise to not talk about your very obvious erection during dinner," Kuroko asked, pointedly looking at said erection.
Aomine grinned triumphantly. "I'm sure I could manage at least that much!" he said as he rooted around in his car for a scrap of paper and pen. He scribbled his digits as well as first name and even added a doodle heart for extra cheese, then passed it to Kuroko. He could do romance. He just mostly chose dick jokes instead.
Kuroko rolled his eyes. "Well, Aomine-kun. I suppose I will be seeing you tomorrow night then." Kuroko said, and then turned around and started walking back towards his car, and if he was swaying his hips slightly to attract attention to his ass . . . well, no one needed to know that but him.
"I'D TAP DAT ASS!" Aomine called out, then floored it and drove away before Kuroko could respond.
Epilogue: First Dates Suck Ass
"You know, my dick is so hard, it could cut my steak for me."
"And that brings the total up to 12 dick jokes, Aomine-kun. One more and I may be forced to take drastic action."
"I may be forced to take some action too. Cuz this cock is screaming out for some lovin'."
Without hesitation, Kuroko pulled out his gun and pointed it wordlessly.
Aomine just looked at him for a moment, then smirked and said, "Haha, I have one of those too, in my pants… wanna see it?" He winked.
And that's how Kuroko and Aomine got kicked out of a restaurant. (And possibly the reason Aomine-kun ended up in the hospital with a hole in his leg… Who knows?)
BLOOPERS
NYOOOOOOM. A car approached and Aomine shouted "HOLY FUCK COME HERE BABY" grabbing Kuroko and shoving his face into his junk.