July 5
John took a deep cleansing breath as he stepped out of the shower. A hint of the morning sun began peeking through his bathroom window and cast an ethereal glow in the room. John wiped his hand across the steamed mirror and stood there gazing into his eyes. The steel blue grey color of them was a stark contrast to the red rim of his lids. He thought last night would be difficult for him. Every Independence Day, especially the evenings, had always been difficult after he left the service. He was glad he had someone that cared about him there to get him through the evening.
Though he had not been in the Army Special Forces for years, the sounds, the explosions, the unexpected pops heard during the prior weeks and after the 4th of July holiday kept him on edge more than usual. He was glad that he had a comrade in arms that understood what he went through at this time of year. Joss had been good for him. They had become friends over the couple of years they'd known each other. They truly enjoyed each other's company. They loved teasing and making snarky comments to each other. They shared meals and drinks when they had the opportunity. They'd learn to trust each other.
July 4
John thought about her as the sun began to set and he felt the need to reach out to her. He wondered how she handled the loud festivities that came with the holiday. He picked up the phone and started having second thoughts about calling her. She had a son and was sure that they were out with family or friends enjoying the day. John was feeling lonely and began to think he was the only one that struggled with the 4th of July and all that went with it. Unlike Joss, he had no family and minimal friends to hang out with during his down time from the numbers which happened few and far between. Though he was going back and forth in his mind he decided to take a chance and called her anyway.
"Hello," when she picked up the phone Joss sounded a little muffled and raspy. "Joss?" John said with concern in his voice. "Are you okay?" he asked. "I'm okay," she said breathily and unconvincingly. John didn't buy it one bit. "You don't sound like it," John ventured to call her on it. "What's really going on?" John asked her. "Well if you need to know, Taylor is with friends hanging out for the holiday and I'm…I'm feeling really off with him not being here. I guess I got used to him being here on…" Joss sighed. "This may sound weird John, but the 4th of July is not one of my favorite holidays." John knew exactly what she was talking about and felt a little guilty for feeling a sense of relief when he realized she shared his feelings. "I think I know what you're talking about Joss." I still struggle with this time of year. Not my favorite either," John said sympathetically and with a twinge of self-pity. He hoped she didn't pick up on that.
John was once again hesitant but he thought he would ask her, "Joss, it doesn't make sense that we're both having a hard time…by ourselves. Come over to my apartment. I'll make us dinner and we can just hang out and try to take our minds off the outside world." John closed his eyes preparing himself for the rejection. Joss' eyebrows went up at his suggestion and thought he must really be struggling if he is inviting her to his apartment. Their friendship had never included visiting each other's homes. Unbeknownst to her, John had been in her apartment a few times when she was at work or out with friends. She rose up from her sofa and decided to take him up on the dinner invitation in the hopes of pushing out the world and the loud noises that would assault her in the next few hours. "Text me you address John," she said softly and he smiled.
Joss decided that she'd better get dressed and get over to John's place while there was a little bit of sunlight left. She saw fireworks in the distance blazing against the purple-orange sky being set by overenthusiastic party goers. She smiled, shook her head and had to admit they were beautiful. Over the years since she'd been back from her tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, she realized it wasn't the sky rockets that bothered her – well not as much anymore. It was the loud popping of firecrackers and the startling blasts from M-80s that still affected her. She had come to expect the nightmares that plagued her at this time of year, as a reminder of her time away in the desert. Once again shaking her head she thought I can't believe after all these years, I'm still affected by the war.
John had put a couple of bottles of white wine in the fridge to chill and began prepping dinner. He turned the CD player on after popping in a Stevie Ray Vaughan CD. He figured that the guitar riffs could drown out the noise in the streets below as people set off their own fireworks. The blues of the music almost matched his mood. He sautéed scallops for an appetizer and boiled crab legs for the entrée. Garlic cheese mashed potatoes along with cheddar biscuits and green salad topped off the meal. His delectable molten lava chocolate cake would be perfect for dessert.
Joss found the apartment building and was taken aback at how luxurious it looked on the outside. She couldn't wait to see how it looked inside. As she suspected it was gorgeous. She knew that Finch had a hand in picking out this place for John. She was even more convinced as John opened the door letting her inside his apartment. It was stunning yet not overstated. Ceiling to floor windows had the most breathtaking view. She noticed the king size bed in the middle of the room. Hardwood floors throughout were an elegant touch.
"John, your place is beautiful," Joss said with a big smile while looking around the room. John loved it when she smiled. He thought she had the most beautiful smile and he often wondered how the apple of her cheeks would feel under his touch. He poured her a glass of wine as he put the finishing touches on the meal. Joss was thoroughly impressed and let John know. "John, I had no idea that you knew how to cook. I always imagined that you were a takeout kind of guy." John smirked and replied, "Well there are special occasions when I break out the pots and pans…when company comes over." "Is that so," Joss said with a smirk of her own while sipping her wine. "I'm glad to be so privileged," she said holding on to the smirk that crossed her lips. John decided to tease her a little more, "Well you should feel privileged Detective. It's not every day that a beautiful woman is invited to my domicile," he said with his arms stretched out, barely able to keep a straight face. And, Joss was barely able to keep the wine in her mouth as she swallowed hard and began to laugh. "Be careful Mr. Reese. You're beginning to sound like a vampire talkin' about 'domicile,'" she chuckled. "Should I grab myself some garlic to put around my neck for protection?" He gave her a wide smile as he walked into her personal space while taking a sip of wine himself. "Well that neck does look inviting," he whispered, as he ran a finger down her jawline to her chin and down her throat. He locked his now deep blue eyes with her dark brown ones and she tried to keep from blushing. She had the most beautiful doe eyes he'd ever seen and he felt his manhood begin to rise. He looked at her and she swallowed again. She turned away from him looking over at the CD player as she felt herself getting hot between her legs. "Stevie Ray Vaughan, huh?" she said trying to ease the sexual tension between the two of them. "The man died too soon, really good music." John stepped backward from her to give her a little room - well to give himself a little room. He felt the tension as well and wanted to throw her on the couch and have his way with her. "Yeah, I really started getting into his music after he passed," John said as he cleared his throat.
Dammit John, shake those thoughts out of your head, she's just a friend and you don't want to wreck that. But she's so gorgeous. Even without trying. He physically shook his head as he turned from her and headed back to the kitchen to finish up the meal. Joss turned back around just in time to see him shaking his head and she smirked once again. It's not like she was wearing a sexy dress and heels. She put on a pair of worn jeans that had a hole at the right knee, a pair of sandals that made her painted red toes stand out and a sheer top with a navy camisole underneath. And yet, she had gotten to him. Hell he had gotten to her too. He was wearing a pair of blue jeans, a worn blue t-shirt with a lavender oxford over it, and his bare feet. He had gelled his hair all to be damned trying to keep that gorgeous cowlick down. She always thought it was cute. She took a deep breath as she got up from the back of the couch where she was sitting and slowly followed him into the kitchen.
"Well John, you never cease to amaze me. Everything smells so good. I didn't realize how hungry I was until I walked into your place," she smiled. "I actually enjoy cooking," John said as he raised an eyebrow looking up at her, "but I rarely get the opportunity to do it. It has a calming effect on me I guess. To be totally focused on creating something. Creating something and not destroying," he said just above a whisper and as he barely moved his lips. Joss caught his mood shift and decided to open up the conversation a bit more. She thought the best way to do that was to be transparent about her experience with PTSD.*
"When I got home from Afghanistan…was finally home, for good, I thought I was okay," she admitted as she looked down at the wood grain of the island in the middle of the kitchen. John glanced up at her. Her breath caught in her throat and she felt her heart pounding a little harder. She tried not to relive times when she was out of control. Control was everything to her. Something she worked on daily. But, she also felt that her friend needed her to be real with him right now. She continued as she eyed the patterns of the countertop. "I actually made it home in the spring. I thought I was okay. It wasn't until a couple of weeks before the 4th that I found myself being irritable and jumpy. I would hear cherry bombs and M-80s going off periodically and it would just rattle me. I didn't make the correlation at first. As the holiday neared the noise just got more frequent as well as the nightmares. It felt like I was back in the war. Hell, I hadn't left it psychologically. I know that now. It was a day to day battle trying to keep my sanity." Joss' eyes were wet now as she tried to keep the tears from falling. John's jaw tightened as she continued her story. "I knew I needed help when my husband found me sitting in the dark, holding my knees up to my chest, rocking in a corner. He couldn't touch me. I wouldn't let him. I was back there trying to protect myself."
She couldn't hold the tears any longer. They fell from her eyes onto the countertop. But there was no sobbing like there was that night. Joss drew in a deep, ragged breath to regain her composure. John's eyes were now wet, but like Joss earlier, he would not let a tear fall. He continued chopping the cucumbers and tomatoes for the salad. Joss' hands were flat on the countertop now.
"I was yelling out, curling up into a ball trying to protect myself. I was reliving the day I got hurt. I felt the searing pain of the shrapnel tearing through my leg." She shook her head as she traveled back there. "I saw the guys in my unit flying in the air as we were hit time and time again with mortar strikes. I was resigned that I wasn't going to make it." She breathed in again and slowly released the breath grounding herself. That was a technique she learned in therapy. She learned how to bring herself back into the present, back into the room she was in, back to the people she was in the room with. "I had to go through extensive, long term trauma therapy John," she admitted. "I realized I couldn't do it by myself. Being in one-on-one therapy and in groups with people who had similar stories helped me manage my trauma." She looked up into John's eyes as tears continued to roll down her cheeks.
John continued to hold the tears back and his face was tightened as he slowly walked around the island where she was standing. He took both hands and wiped the tears from her cheeks. He felt a tear escape from his left eye and brushed it away quickly. He cupped her face and said, "Thank you," as he gently placed a lingering kiss on her cheek. He brushed her lips with his and pulled his face away looking into her eyes. Her eyes carried mixed emotions of sadness, confusion and love. This was no longer lust; it had become something deeper than that in what seemed like an instant for both of them. John saw how raw her emotions were and she was willing to open them up to him. Now he was the one that felt privileged. She had humbled him without even knowing it. He knew Joss was a strong woman but after sharing this moment with her, he had a new respect for her. He felt closer to her and wanted her in every way possible. He knew she had to be a part of his life for as long as possible.
Joss waited for him to open up. She knew she shouldn't push. He saw that she was waiting patiently for him to say something. He stepped back from her. He forced back the memories of, not only his experiences in the desert, but as a CIA operative. He just couldn't bring himself to open up as Joss had done. There was so much. Another tear dropped lightly on his left cheek as he whispered to her, "Joss I just can't right now." She walked closer to him and wrapped her arms around his back. She held on to him as his arms wrapped around her shoulders. "I just can't," he whispered again as his voice cracked. "It's okay John," Joss whispered as she rubbed his back. "It's okay." They held each other in a tight embrace for what seemed like forever.
After several minutes John loosened his embrace from Joss realizing that the Stevie Ray Vaughan CD had finished playing. He quickly wiped his eyes and gave Joss a quick, playful peck on the lips. He rushed over to the CD player as Joss had a look of surprise on her face. "John what are you doing?" she questioned. I thought before dinner we can work up an appetite. He popped in another CD and pressed play. Joss heard the first line of the song being shrilled by the Godfather of Soul, "I got ants in my pants and I need to dance," and a big grin crossed her face. She loved James Brown and this song was perfect for lightening the mood. She knew that she would revisit the conversation with John later, when he was open and more willing. She learned not to push. John was in the middle of the hardwood floor with his hand out waiting for Joss to come and join him. She sauntered on to the "dance floor" and they began doing their best James Brown moves. John grabbed the floor lamp and starting singing into it as if it was a microphone. Joss was laughing hysterically as she saw his silly side. She knew he had one but, she'd never seen it in its fullness. He then ran out of the room to a second bedroom as Joss asked where he was going. He came back with two pairs of socks. "Here, put these on," he said as he handed her a pair of white socks. She looked at him, eyebrows up and mouth open. "Seriously?"Joss asked. "Put 'em on Joss. You can't imitate James Brown without gliding across the floor," John commanded. She shook her head and put on the socks. "Hey, hey, hey" came from the CD player and from John. Joss started laughing again. She got up and joined John in his moves. Hips were shaking and they both were laughing. John went skidding across the living room floor on his knees and Joss was thoroughly impressed with his taste in music and his dance moves. She was glad to see he was a good dancer. Her mind started to drift in a direction she would never admit. So glad he can dance. I wonder if those moves would translate if he was horizontal? Joss bit her bottom lip as she found herself contemplating the possibilities of being with this man physically. They both knew there was an attraction between the two of them.
She snapped out of her daydream as she heard him call her name. "Joss. Where'd you go?" John asked curiously looking up at her with a smile. "I'm sorry John, I started thinking about that food, I've worked up quite an appetite," Joss lied. She then slid across the floor to meet him, perfect timing to land in his arms as he was getting up from the floor. They looked at each other chuckling and he stared in her eyes again. They both had worked up a hunger and a sweat. He took Joss by the hand and led her to the dining table and pulled out the chair for her. "Oh and chivalrous too," Joss teased. "Oh there are many things to learn about me madam," John kidded. "I would really like to get to know you better John," Joss said in the most lascivious way and she put her hand on her forehead and looked down at the table. She didn't want to say that out loud. She looked up at him sheepishly to meet his wide grin. He felt like a peacock. He got to her. She got to him.
John walked over to her with a bowl of salad and placed it in front of her. He then put his bowl down. He sat across from her with that smirk on his face and she wanted to kick him underneath the table. She reluctantly allowed herself to smile at him. Yeah, he'd gotten to her. "I'd like to get to know you better too Joss," he said with a lecherous grin. Joss began to blush again. They began to eat their salads. Joss noticed John's smile disappear. "Joss, I really mean it. Thank you for opening up. I know that couldn't have been easy." He spoke slowly, and looked pensive. He looked her in the eyes and reached out to touch her hand and squeezed it. She squeezed his hand in return as she simply nodded. After the salads he cleared the bowls and brought over the main course. They chatted and laughed for the remainder of the meal. The wine continued to flow and Joss oohed as John placed the dessert in front of her. He knew she had a sweet tooth and he did too.
As the last of the chocolate molten cake was being finished, John stood up from the table, grabbed his empty dish and walked over to Joss who looked up at him. "John I'm not finished yet. If you take this you'll pull back a nub," she said jokingly. John laughed as he stepped back from her. He ventured forward closing in the space between him and Joss again and said, "Calm down Detective, I just wanted to wipe the chocolate sauce from your cheek. He bent over before she could protest and kissed and then licked the sauce off. She turned to face him and kissed him tenderly. He put down his dish and kneeled before her deepening the kiss. She tasted good as he pushed his tongue inside. He lifted her from the chair and wrapped his arms around her. The fireworks show was not only going on outside now but there was one starting in John's apartment. They were totally distracted from the outside noises and focused on the sounds of their breathing and the music playing in the background. She held onto his shirt feeling his chest. He stepped away from her slowly and she looked confused. He grabbed her hand and pulled her over to the couch. He sat down next to her and grabbed the remote to the CD player changing the CD once again. Kenny Lattimore and Chante Moore began singing, "Things That Lovers Do". "Oh you have the right moves Mr. Reese," Joss purred.
John bent down to kiss her again slowly. She couldn't believe she was in this man's arms. He smothered her in kisses. He lay on top of her and she felt his manhood growing in his pants. She could barely breathe but loved every moment of it. "Joss" he said softly. Joss answered him as if she read his mind. "John, I don't want a quickie. I don't want to be a quick hit. And, I have to go home soon. Taylor will be home after the fireworks show is over." John understood but he couldn't say he wasn't disappointed. He sat up and held her close to him and he reassured her that he understood. "I want to be with you Joss," John admitted. Joss hesitantly agreed, "I want to be with you too John." She looked in his eyes as if she was unsure of what he meant. "I want to be with you in every way, not just physically," he said. She smiled up at him which made him smile. He knew he'd reassured her and he meant what he said. "It's going to be complicated but I'm willing if you are," he said. "I'm willing John." He held her chin up and kissed her gently on the lips once again. "Now regarding the physical part of the relationship" he said with that lecherous smile again," I will be taking a rain check, and I will be using it very soon." "Is that a promise Mr. Reese?" Joss asked breathily with a smile. "That's definitely a promise," John said looking into her eyes, the smile gone. He was deadly serious.
John helped her up off the couch and held her in his arms. They gave each other little pecks as she held onto him. He slowly started walking backwards toward the front door as he held onto her still giving her gentle kisses on her neck, chin, cheeks and eyelids. He let her go when his back was against the front door. "And now, Detective, as our evening comes to a close and you have to get home, I want to thank you one more time for keeping me company, and getting me through the day. This has been the best 4th of July I've had in a long time." His hands rubbed her back as he spoke. "Are you throwing me out John?" Joss asked coyly as she ran her fingers through his hair. John looked her in the eyes and said, "Yes, because if you don't leave now you will not be leaving tonight Jocelyn Carter." Joss held his gaze for a few more seconds and realizing he was serious, she took her hand and put them in her back pockets and said with a growl, "Gimme my shoes."
John helped Joss put on her sandals and he put on a pair of flip flops as he escorted her to the door. "Let me walk you down," John said. "John, I'll be okay. Besides if you follow me down to the car I may throw you in and take you home with me," she said with that familiar smirk as her eyebrows rose. He planted one last kiss on her lips. They were so full and inviting. "Um, that doesn't sound like a bad idea," John whispered. Joss managed to grab the doorknob that was behind her and turn it open. She pulled back from John's kiss reluctantly as she backed into the hallway smiling. As if he was reading her mind, they both yelled at the same time, "Rain check!" as she headed toward the elevator laughing. He closed the door chuckling to himself. "Yeah, real soon."
A/N: PTSD is short for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.