A/N: Hiya, everyone! This is my first Gintama fic, so I'm super excited right now! The show is just so much fun, and a little intimidating to write for to be totally honest. But I'm pretty satisfied with this. I have ideas for a few more short stories for various characters and pairings and genres, so I'll be uploading them under this title for convenience sake. I hope you all enjoy! And let me know if there's any ways I can improve. Criticism is definitely appreciated :)

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything related to Gintama. I just like playing with the world.

Summary: A poor shopkeeper has a run in with Gin and Kagura. Luckily, a Shinsengumi officer shows up to help... Right?

Genre: Humor

Pairing: KaguraxSougo in the mildest sense.

ENJOY!

Fat People Are Fat Because They Hang Around Vending Machines Too Much!

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"Oi. This stupid thing is broken." The statement was punctuated by a wince-inducing thud against the side of the 'thing'.

From the moment they walked through the doors of his shop, Yusei Iechimosu knew that those two were gonna be trouble for him. Something to do with the dead look in the man's eyes, or the fact that the girl was obviously a China girl (not that Yusei would ever stereotype someone like that …). Or it could've been the fact that the petite little redheaded girl had been and was still carrying the fully-grown man on her shoulders as though he weighed less than Yusei's wallet.

"Well, Kagura, what can you expect from a place like this? One-hundred Yen shops are only useful for their selection of side-walk candy and cheap shoes. Of course a classy vending machine like Akura Prime has no place being here unless it's broken."

Offended, Yusei dabbed at the sweat beading up on his forehead with the handkerchief he kept in his pocket. "Hey now, that's not-"

"Hey, Fatty, this machine won't give me my pickled-seaweed. Are you trying to get over on us or something?"

"Who are you calling Fatty, you brat?" he demanded, self-consciously straightening his Kimono. "You have to put money in before you can get something out of it."

"I already did. It said to pick a number. I picked 5 yen and put that in."

Floored by her stupidity, his jaw dropped, and a vein twitched in his forehead. "That's not how a vending machine works! Everything in there costs a minimum of 150 yen! How can you not know how a vending machine works? Either of you!? Aren't you a grown man?" he demanded.

Raising his hands in a defensive gesture, the man placated, "Now, now.. No need for name-calling, Fatty."

"Just now! You just called me a worse name!"

"You're definitely trying to get over on us," the redhead girl decided, narrowing her eyes and cracking her knuckles. "Pickled-seaweed doesn't ever cost 150 yen!"

"That's because there isn't any pickled-seaweed in that machine!" His face flushed with anger and frustration as he did his best to avoid yelling outright at them.

"Oi, Gin, his face kinda looks like a tomato now that it's red and round!"

"Very astute, Kagura-chan." The white-haired man nodded sagely. "He's even full of juice like one."

Wiping the sweat off his brow again and turning redder still, he barked out, "It's a condition! It runs in my family!"

"From the look of things, I'd say no one runs in your family."

Yusei was reduced to little more than angry sputtering at that point, violently swiping at his forehead and jaw with the handkerchief. Meanwhile, the two returned to their perusal of the vending machine as though nothing had happened. Just as he had worked up the anger to kick them out proper, the girl's eyes lit up with excitement. "Gin! Look! It's pickled-kelp! That's like fancy pickled-seaweed right?"

"Eh? I wouldn't say that exactly..."

"Give me another 120 yen," she told the man on her shoulders, holding a hand up to him expectantly.

"What happened to the money you took from Shinpachi?"

"Eh? I never took any money from him."

"Earlier today, he made me pay for his lunch because he said you took it."

Puffing out her cheeks, she glared up at him. "I'm saying I didn't take it," she maintained, grip tightening on the man's legs, which made him yelp. "Shin-chan probably spent it on dirty magazines and other obscene things. He's at that delicate age right now where that's the only thing his filthy mind can think about. Uh-huh."

Face contorting painfully as she punctuated her statement with a squeeze of his ankles. "What are you trying to do, break my legs? Lay off. I'm not gonna give you any money."

"Gin~!" she whined, looking up at him with sad, pleading eyes.

"Nope." He crossed his arms. "And young ladies shouldn't make such unbecoming faces. It makes you look like you've been sucking on a lemon for too long."

She tsked. "Useless old man."

Then, without any preamble, the girl dumped him off her shoulders, right on top of a display of skin-care products Yusei had just arranged. The man landed with an alarmed shout and a crash, shelves breaking under his weight and sending products flying across the store.

Feeling his stomach drop, Yusei demanded, "You didn't just-!" But they cut him off again.

"Ow, ow, ow! Kagura! What the hell is this?" He held up his arm and poked at one of the sleeves. "You really ripped my Kimono, Kagura! Who's gonna pay for that, huh?"

Spitting off to the side, she crossed her arms and glared down at him. "It wasn't me! The poorly structured shelves did it, uh-huh." Turning to Yusei, she threatened, "We could sue you for something like that, Tomato-boy!"

What was happening to his store? How was he supposed to handle these two? For the first time in a long time, Yusei genuinely had no clue how to get these two idiots out of his store.

Just then, the front door bell tinkled, and relief lit up Yusei's face as he saw the Shinsengumi uniform. He would take care of this mess.

The young man stepped inside and over a few stray items that were scattered all the way to the door. His expression didn't even twitch at the sight, and glancing over at the man, where he still lay all smushed up into the shelves, he greeted them impassively. "Hey, boss, China."

"Ah, Okita-kun." The white-haired samurai waved.

The remark had made the girl bristle for a moment, but she shot him a cold look. "Super sadist." Then glancing between the machine and the Shinsengumi officer, she demanded, "Give me 200 yen. I'm a bit short."

'The price has gone up?'

He looked her over briefly. "That's true. You're ugly too – though I don't really see why I should pay you."

"What the hell did you just call me, you fish-faced bastard!?"

"Oh no. It looks like I hurt the China-princess' poor feelings. How ever will I live with myself?"

The redhead was positively seething now, her eyes flashing a dangerously. Rising to his feet quickly, the white-haired man sweat-dropped and placed his hands on her shoulders. "Kagura, Kagura, Kagura... Don't get all worked up about this, or anything."

"Who's getting worked up?" she questioned, chin held high as she puffed her chest out. "At least I'm not the one whose face looks like it caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer."

Frowning mildly, the officer shook his head. "Oi. There's no need to be so mean to the shop keeper. I'm sure he didn't ask to be born with such unfortunate features."

"She wasn't talking about me!"

"Now, you're trying to insult me?.. And after I defended you too..." He looked like he was disappointed in him. "Your mother must be very upset with you."

Shaking his head and glaring at the young man, Yusei went on, "Look, Officer. These two have been disturbing my customers. Can't you do something about it?"

The China-girl leaned over towards the white-haired man and cupped a hand over her mouth, which did very little to muffle her voice. "Hey, Gin, where are customers he's talking about?"

"You shut your mouth, brat! I've had it with you!"

"Eh, it's no wonder he doesn't have any customers the way he treats them." The samurai nodded to himself.

As he headed over to the opposite side of the store where the snack cakes were kept, the young man explained, "I'm afraid I'm on important Shinsengumi business right now..." He loaded his arms up with a variety of junk food from the shelves and even a few magazines off the rack. "I don't have time to get involved here."

Scratching his jaw, Yusei glanced between the goods and the officer. "What sort of business would that be? It looks like you're just getting snacks."

The officer nodded. "I'm gonna have to confiscate these, sir. It's vital to our investigation."

"What~!? You're just going to steal from me now?"

With a sigh, he shook his head. "I just told you I'm … confiscating them for our investigation."

"You can't do that!"

"Oh?" His eyes narrowed dangerously. "Am I gonna have to run you in for obstructing an officer?"

At the insinuation, Yusei's eyes nearly popped out of his skull. How could an officer of the law say something like that?

"Oi, Fatty, if you're giving away stuff, give me enough money to buy my pickled-kelp."

Glancing at the redhead, the Shinsengumi officer sighed. He walked over to the vending machine and glanced at her. "Which one did you want?"

Hope filling her eyes, the girl brightened at once and jabbed her finger towards the upper-right corner of the machine. "It's this one! B-3! The one with Sadaharu's picture on it, uh-huh."

'Does she mean Hidekichi Miyazaki?' [A man who broke a record for sprinting when he was 105 and became a sort of celebrity. He has thick white hair.]

The officer shifted his snacks to one arm and pulled a wallet out. "Fine, fine." After putting in the right amount and retrieving the package of kelp, the girl pressed against the glass the whole time, he grinned cruelly all of a sudden and dropped it on top his other thefts. "Heh. Thanks for the snack, China." He waved the wallet in her face.

Her eyes widened, hand flying to her hip. "Huh? That's the wallet I stole from Shin-chan!" Eyes flashing, she glared and lunged for him. "Give it back, you sadistic bastard!"

Miraculously given the number of things he was holding, the officer gracefully ducked her and sprinted for the door, the redhead hot on his heals and dodging the items he threw at her. After a moment, however, the China-girl's threats and the Shinsengumi officer's taunts faded into the distance, leaving Yusei's wrecked shop in silence.

Then, the white-haired samurai dislodged himself from the shelf with a creak, which was followed by another crash as the shelf fell over and took the other aisles down with it.

Headed for the door, the man stopped to place an encouraging hand on Yusei's shoulder and smiled. "Don't worry, Tomato-san. There's still plenty more food for you to eat."

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A/N: There you have it. What did you guys think? Let me know with a review! I hope y'all enjoyed it.

For those of you who've read any of my other works, you know I usually avoid honorifics when I write. So why am I using them here? Well, to be honest, it just didn't sound like Gintama to me without them in some places. So that's why.

I hope you stick with these little short stories! Next up: Katsura's radio show.

THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE!

Onward!

- Alyssa