General Launchpad McQuack
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.
You have my permission to ignore this story if you don't like it.
I hope Disney owning Marvel works out. (Warner Bros. owns DC comics. So it's fair.) It matters what they DO with Marvel, don't it?
A possible future for Launchpad and "me"?
Anybody ELSE read "The Courtmartial of General George Armstrong Custer", a book about what MIGHT of happened if Custer lived to face courtmartial for his failure at Little Big Horn? Interesting book.
This story opens on a courtroom where my Launchpad is the defendant.
"Mr. McQuack, you are accused of a serious crime here. Theft of a priceless antique airplane, the Spruce Goose, when it was on loan to the Duckburg Aeronautic Museum. Yet you have a Legal Aide attorney. Are you sure you would not prefer to hire a lawyer with more experience?" The judge asked.
"Can't afford one, your honor." Launchpad replied.
"Your honor, I will take over the defendant's case, if you permit me to." a lady duck lawyer said.
"You're Stella Street- (1) Mr. McDuck's personal attorney, aren't you?" Judge Crater asked. (2)
"That is correct. Mr. McDuck gave me specific instructions to offer my services, at no charge to the defendant, as the defendant is a personal friend of his." Ms. Street replied.
I, who was sitting next to my Launchpad for moral support, slapped my forehead upon hearing this and muttered:
"That's the trouble with Mr. McDee. Just as I'm starting to work up a good mad against him, he turns around and does something NICE."
"Do you accept Ms. Street's services, Mr. McQuack?" Judge Crater asked.
And since my Launchpad, contrary to DISNEY'S opinion, is NOT the slightest BIT stupid, he replied:
"Yes, thank you very much, your honor. If Mr. McDuck's hired her, she must be the best."
"Then how do you plead in the charges filed against you, Mr. McQuack?" the Judge asked.
"Guilty with an explanation. I BORROWED the Spruce Goose without permission, but it was an emergency and I returned it- UNDAMAGED." Launchpad replied.
"Very well, then. You can begin your case, Mr. Prosecutor.," the Judge stated.
"Now, Mr. McQuack- you say you "borrowed" the Spruce Goose because it was an emergency- why then, did you not ask permission?" the Prosecutor asked.
"There wasn't time and they'd just say "no"! But it was necessary!" Launchpad answered.
"Then you are claiming the attack by the so-called "metal mites" on Duckburg gave you the right to steal the Spruce Goose?" the Prosecutor inquired.
"BORROWED!" Launchpad insisted. "The metal mites were eating everything metal in Duckburg and they were multiplying like mad. People tried to spray them with bug spray, the mites ATE the metal cans the spray came in! Other pilots tried to spray them from the air; the mites flew up and started eating their planes! Gizmoduck tried to spray them; they flew up and starting eating his suit! I HAD to borrow the Spruce Goose to stop them!" (3)
"You have access to a lot of planes. Why did you not use one of them?" the Prosecutor asked.
"They're made of metal. The metal mites would have eaten them. The Spruce Goose is made of WOOD. It's the only plane in the world made of only wood- NO metal. Howard Hughes did that to prove it could be done. The metal mites couldn't eat it. THAT'S why I HAD to borrow it- it was the ONLY plane I could spray the Metal Mites in safely! I used a plastic vacuum cleaner hose to aim the spray. Besides, I always thought it was a shame and a pity that plane was only flown once." Launchpad explained that last sentence a barely audible mumble.
Then, a whole slew of "people" entered the courtroom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States!" One of them said.
And then, the President himself entered the courtroom.
"Mr. McQuack, your actions certainly saved Duckburg and probably the world. I had declared a state of emergency existing in Duckburg BEFORE you borrowed the Spruce Goose. As President of the United States, I hereby declare that retroactively from the time a state of emergency was first declared in Duckburg, you, Launchpad McQuack held the rank of General in the US Air Force. I do this by the Civilian Emergency Mobilization Act (4) You were therefore COMMANDEERING that plane and thus committed no crime."
"Can he DO that?" my Launchpad sputtered at me in astonishment.
"He's President of the US. That makes him Commander in Chief of the US Armed Forces. I think he just DID it." I replied, equally astonished.
"General Launchpad McQuack! Rhubarb McQuack up in Heaven must be LOVING this! I bet the President knows about Rhubarb and that's why he picked the rank of General! The President has a sense of humor!" I laughed, delighted.
"Actually, I just picked General so he has the authority to commander a plane." the President replied.
"What does this mean? Am I REALLY a general? Or is just an honorary thing like those degrees some universities give famous people?" Launchpad asked.
"I'm not sure. Who knows, maybe you can arm your planes now, at least when you're flying for SHUSH, it being an arm of the US government. I think a general on US business can arm his plane if he feels like it. "I said.
Well, most people treated the title of "general" as honorary, but it did shake up people who are too quick to assume Launchpad is stupid. Which is fine by me.
A few weeks later, Launchpad recieved a letter from the lost troop of Rhubarb McQuack. The letter asked for him to come talk to them, they needed to clear their consciences by telling him the Truth about his ancestor.
Launchpad was curious and so was I, so we went to listen to what they had to say.
Eagle-eye had appointed himself spokesdog and did all the talking for all of them.
"When we heard about you being made General, we got to talking about Rhubarb McQuack. We got a little drunk and the Truth came out. We found out that each of us, unknown to the others had betrayed your ancestor." Eagle-eye began.
"We were born as slaves. Our parents had been born as slaves. Slavery was all we knew- then we were freed and drafted into the Union army. But freedom was unknown to us and the unknown can be scary. We had never made decisions for ourselves before. Even in the army, someone told us what to do, how to do it and when." Eagle-eye explained.
"Our master had been killed fighting for the Confederacy. Since that part of the South was then controlled by the North, his assets had been seized by the North, including US, his slaves. We were drafted into the Union Army and put in a segregated troop, with a DUCK as a commander. Your ancestor, Rhubarb McQuack. This was not exactly a reward for Rhubarb. The powers-that-be in the Army were annoyed at Rhubarb for rising up thur the ranks, for being successful without permission. They put him in charge of us to put him in his place. They set him up for failure and we helped them." Eagle-eye said.
"The South was WINNING for a large part of the Civil War. (5) What would happen to us if they won? There were rumors that even if the North won, we'd be returned to our masters, made slaves again, our kids would be slaves. Bringing in NEW slaves would be illegal- but slaves would be smuggled in anyway. We had little reason to trust Ducks or their promises. We were afraid of fighting and possibly dying, especially for nothing." Eagle-eye continued.
"So each of other betrayed Rhubarb , in order to save our own hides. I was afraid of going up so high in the balloon. Instead of mooring it to the TOP of Duckridge Hill as ordered, I moored it to the bottom. That way I did not go up so high. I also saw the enemy later then I would of, if I had obeyed my orders. And the ropes of the balloon got in the way, so Rhubarb's horse got tangled in them- which would NOT have happened if the balloon was moored to the TOP of the Hill, where it belonged." Eagle-eye admitted.
"One of us severed Rhubarb's sword, so the blade was parted from its hilt. Another of us glued the sword into his scabbard. Another tethered his horse to the wrong part of the hill, so it was near a steep cliff instead of an incline. Rhubarb could not tell from where he was sitting that his horse would be heading to a sheer cliff instead of the incline he had ordered it be left near." Eagle-eye confessed.
"We were trying to get Rhubarb to have to surrender, so we could spend the rest of the war in a nice, safe prisoner of war camp. When he refused to do so, when he fought anyway- when we say how we had humiliated the poor "man", we were ashamed of ourselves. And refused to admit it. Instead, we blamed him for our defeat. NONE of us knew what the others had done, only what he had done. And no one betrayal had been enough to stop Rhubarb-, to lose the battle- but all combined were." Eagle-eye stated.
"We wish to apologize for what we did, so long ago. Not only betraying Rhubarb, but for blaming him for our defeat." Eagle-eye finished. (6)
"Well..it seems to me that Rhubarb did make a big mistake...no, two of them. First, he ASSUMED you wanted to fight for your freedom. He should of ASKED, instead of taking that for granted. Rhubarb might have been able to reassure you if he had asked. He could of pointed out that by fighting for your freedom, you at least had the CHANCE of gaining it and by NOT fighting you had no such chance. NO guarantees, of course- except the guarantee that nothing would change if you did nothing." Launchpad replied.
"Second, you were able to betray him. You shouldn't of be able to trick him like you did.." Launchpad began.
"You don't get it! He TRUSTED us! Treated us like PEOPLE, not slaves- treated us like we were worthy of trust instead of treating us with suspicion. And we betrayed him because we COULD.." Eagle-eye lamented.
"You were scared! You were angry at Ducks, angry at the way Ducks had treated you. And I can't blame you for that. You took your anger out on Rhubarb because you could. And because he was your commander and you resented that, too. I guess I have to forgive you. It was my ancestor you betrayed, not me and he's long gone." Launchpad replied.
WHO KNOWS WHAT TOMORROW MAY BRING?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(1) Named after Della Street from the old Perry Mason stories. Free no-prize (which is appropiciate as Disney now owns Marvel) to anybody who can remember which Ducktales episode Mr. McDuck had a lady duck lawyer whose name they either didn't mention or I blinked and missed it. ""Till nephews do we part?" "The Bride wore Stripes?" My attention faded whenever Launchpad wasn't around.
(2) Well, Judge Crater had to go SOMEPLACE.
(3) I have no idea how "Attack of the Metal Mites" ended. Once I SUSPECTED Disney intended to have FENTON, sans G-suit, save the day, I turned off the set in disgust. I wouldn't trust Fenton with my bowling ball and I don't OWN a bowling ball. (Perhaps I should have warned you that I have a MEAN streak?) Kindly note I had Giz trying to stop the Metal Mites anyway. It's not his fault his suit is made of metal.
And as for Ugly Twerp inventing the bug spray used to kill the Metal mites, since when is UT a chemist? (Since it became convenient to the plot. And how else could Disney try and make UT into some sort of hero?)
I think the media, including Disney assume that the majority of their fans are geeks, nerds and dweebs ( most of their fans are normal people) and that geeks like other geeks (geeks usually hate themselves, never mind other geeks.)
(4) Which I stole from "Tears of the Singer" a Star Trek novel by Melinda Snodgrass. One of the few "Kiss of Death" stories in which the GUY dies at the end.
(5) I think the South was winning, at first.
(6) Ever see "Lord of the Rings"? Remember those ghost-solders, stuck haunting a cave until they fought a battle they had run away from in life? That's what the lost troop of Rhubarb McQuack kept reminding me of.