Small things- Chapter One: A Realisation
It had started out as small things, for both of them. At first they had barely known each other but little moments of friendship began to add up. Standing in a dumpster joking about roadkill furniture. Sighing over Castle's newest piece of idiocy. Contemplating violence when said idiocy went too far and hurt Beckett. They had an unspoken thing going when it came to Becket. She lived alone and had very little in the way of family. Over the years they had come to know her and they knew she would have their backs. They didn't have to talk about what they would do for her. Both of them knew they would go all the way to protect the woman they had come to see as a sister.
When the threat of a dirty bomb had loomed over the city, and Ryan and Esposito had been in a race against time to find their partners, neither of them had spoken of the sick panic clenching at their insides. But it was there. And when they found them, the relief of the moment had them giddy. So giddy, in fact, that they needed each other for support. They leaned on one another as doctors worked over Castle and Beckett; both of them remembering what it had felt like to see their friends slumped in each others arms, as cold and pale as death. They'd made quick work of getting them out of the freezing truck and Ryan could remember how still Beckett had been as he'd wrapped his arms around her; lending her his body heat. He'd caught Esposito's eyes as his partner had done the same for Castle. He'd seen the same mix of relief and fear. They'd sat down side by side on the bonnet of a nearby car and watched and waited. When they'd been told that their partners were out of danger it had been the most natural thing in the world to lean on one another but this time it was different. Maybe it was the relief, or the adrenaline, or just that they were exhausted but there was something different in the way they comforted each other. Something that had both of them thinking about the way it started- with small things. Something that had both of them sitting up at night remembering that small things had turned into big things. That the first sparks of friendship had grown into something solid. Something a man could depend on- no matter what the crisis.
Kevin Ryan sat on his couch; the one Esposito had joked about constantly for the past three years, and looked at the TV. There was some late night reality show playing but he didn't really see it. He saw chocolate brown eyes instead. Eyes set in a face that was as familiar to him as his own. When he had discovered that Jenny was cheating on him, Esposito had been the first person he had turned to. He could still remember clearly the business with Esposito's old partner. Ike Thornton. He could remember the nausea he'd felt as gun shots rang out in rooms that were suddenly far too many stairs away. He could remember demanding to know where his partner was, all the while fighting his panic and fury. He usually kept a tight rein on his temper but when Holliwell had hesitated, he'd forgotten everything except the need to know if his partner was alive. The relief that swept through him at the sight of a whole, unharmed, Esposito leaning over the injured Ike Thornton was enough to make his kneed weak. He'd sunk down beside the two men and let the feeling run through him in unchecked waves. But that was okay, right? Esposito was his partner. He had the right to care about his well-being. Even to the extent that he still had nightmares about endless flights of stairs and gunfire echoing from the walls as he ran.
He sighed. He was man enough to admit when he was bullshitting himself. He cared about Esposito a lot more than any other partner he'd ever had. Come to think of it he'd got in more trouble with Esposito than any other partner he'd ever had. Tat whole thing with Hal Lockwood was a prime example of the fixes they could get themselves into. He could still remember the burn of ice-cold water in his throat and lungs. The ridiculous crack Esposito made about Lockwood's mother. The look in that goons eyes as he stood over him with a gun. His partner's furious shouts as he braced himself for the impact of a gun… which never came. Beckett and Castle had saved them but something had started to change that night. And the events of the past few days had only acted as a catalyst for that change. With a rare burst of anger he leapt off the couch and began to pace. It used to be that touch was natural for the two of them. It still was. He found it the most natural thing in the world to touch the other man. But he was fairly sure that the contact he really wanted from Esposito was the type the other cop would be willing to give, or want. Kevin Ryan sighed as he sat down. He was at least halfway into being in love with his partner and feeling truly miserable about it.
Javier Esposito was sat on his couch staring blindly into space. There was loud music coming from the next door apartment but he wasn't really interested in listening. He was contemplating his partner and wondering just when it was that he got so messed up. Himself, that was, not Ryan. There had been a moment earlier when he'd thought he'd seen a flash of something in the other man's eyes. Something that had his pulse quickening. He thought back to when it had begun and realised that he didn't know. It had started with the small things and just got bigger, he supposed. That moment with the triple killer had been a big part of what he felt now, he realise. His memories of that night were blurred except for a few crystal clear moments. Running along behind Beckett; his gun drawn. Fear that had his blood running cold. Castle's shout that Ryan needed an ambulance and the sight of his partner's crumpled body on the floor. Esposito swore that his heart had simply stopped until he heard the other mans weak mumble from ground level. On suddenly wobbly legs he'd sunk down to untie Ryan and help him into a sitting position. His partner had been paler than usual, which was saying something, but Esposito had seen that he was going to be OK. And relief had hit him like a fist in the gut, so that- just for a second- he wasn't quite sure who was supporting who. Ryan had come out of that with a few bruises but it could have been so much worse.
Almost without his permission his mind skipped back to another night that could have had a disastrous outcome- thanks to him and his big mouth. He half- grinned. You had to admire a guy who could make a joke about catholic school whilst being plunged headfirst into freezing water. It took guts to jerk around a guy like Hal Lockwood but Ryan had managed it with considerable panache, despite their situation.
"Shoot out one of his kneecaps."
Esposito could hear Lockwood's voice as clearly as if the man was stood next to him. The sound of the gun being primed was one that haunted his nightmares even now. If Beckett had been even thirty seconds later then the other man would have paid a heavy price for a cheap crack Esposito made about a murderer's mother. That was probably the night that things really started to change. The moment earlier between the two partners had just shown Esposito that the change had been happening. He groaned. Who was he kidding? He was the one changed, not Ryan. He wouldn't risk the friendship they had, no matter what he felt for his partner. Even if what he felt might be something close to love.
Kevin Ryan stood outside his best fiend and partner's apartment. He didn't know what he was doing there. He was crazy; that was it. The stress of the last few months had driven him completely insane. In reality he was in a padded room in a straight-jacket. This was nothing but a hallucination formed by his fevered mind. He wished. He was fairly sure this was reality. Not even a hallucination could be this strange. He was about to do something that would probably ruin one of the best friendships he had ever had. Before he lost his nerve completely he reached out and tapped on the door. He wished his hands weren't shaking quite so much.
The last thing Javier Esposito expected to see when he opened his door was his partner, looking like a lamb sent to slaughter. There were smudges under his eyes and he didn't appear to have changed clothes since he'd left the precinct. He was still armed- Esposito could see the bulge of the gun at his hip.
"What's wrong, bro?" he asked and his partner jerked guiltily.
"Nothing," he replied but he knew Esposito didn't believe it.
"You look like hell," the Hispanic detective told his friend as he took his coat. Ryan had to school himself not to react to the sweep of fingers across his shoulder blades. That wasn't what the other man wanted. Don't linger, Esposito told himself. Just take the coat and move on. The last thing he wants is his work partner- he stressed the word in his mind- groping at him.
"What's on your mind?" he asked "Is it private or can I help you work it out?" He regretted his choice of words immediately. His mind nose- dived into the gutter as he thought of all the ways he could… work… his partner. He clamped down on those thoughts ruthlessly. They were not helping his "leave Kevin Ryan unmolested" campaign.
"I think you can help me work this out," said Ryan. Was it his imagination or did his partner look slightly flustered? Maybe, just maybe, this wasn't going to be as complete a disaster as he'd predicted. He took a breath and decided to plunge straight into the deep end.
"We're partners, right?" he asked. OK, maybe not the absolute deep end.
" 'Til the wheels fall off," was Esposito's immediate response. "I'd go to the wall for you, bro,"
"Same here," he told the other man. "We make damn good team, right?" he continued.
"What's this about?" asked Esposito, starting to worry about his partner's sanity. They were a fantastic team. Everyone who saw them in action said that.
"What if I care about you more than I'd usually care for a partner?" Kevin asked carefully, staring into the other man's eyes to gauge his reaction.
"We're good friends," said Javier, equally carefully. Blue eyes stared into brown but neither gave way. Kevin sighed. His partner was going to make this hard for him.
"What if I care for you in a … romantic way?" he elaborated and couldn't keep up his scrutiny of the other man's eyes. He studiously examined his feet, the carpet, the doorframe- anything that would keep him from having to see disgust in his friends face. Finally, the silence was too much for him and he reached out to grab his jacket.
Javier watched his partner walk away in a kind of numb haze. Finally, he figured out how to speak.
"Wait," he called "Kev, don't go." The other man paused but didn't turn back.
"It's fine, Esposito," he said tonelessly "I should never have come here. I'm sorry." Javier could have kicked himself. Underneath the carefully worded apology he could hear the hurt in the other man's voice. No matter how you braced yourself for it; rejection stung like a bitch. And Kevin thought that his silence meant rejection. Shit. He was officially an idiot. Words weren't gonna cut it though. Not this time. He reached out and, this time, allowed himself to linger. To brush fingers along tense shoulders. To appreciate the play of muscles under his fingertips. To trace lines up his partner's chest and throat until he was cupping Kevin's face.
"I think," he said slowly, making sure that the other man was looking him right in the eye "that if you were… romantically… interested in an idiot like me," he paused for effect "It would probably be about the best damn thing that's ever happened in my life." he finished on a husky whisper. They were close now; so close that their breaths mingled, and Javier could see the relief in the other man's eyes. Relief that, rather rapidly, turned into something mischievous and slightly sultry.
They seemed to be on the same page, Kevin decided, so it looked like the next move was his. It was the simplest thing in the world to lean in and press his lips to his partner's. He kept the kiss light at first, almost questioning, but the press of the other man's tongue soon made it easy for him to forget his vow to take things slowly. The kiss was heat and sweetness and fierce need all combined in one delicious package and gift-wrapped in the spicy scent that was part cologne and part Javier himself. When the need for air finally made them draw back Kevin was pleased to note that Javier's eyes were glazed over and he seemed to be having difficulty breathing. Leaning forward again he ran a teasing series of nipping kisses along the other detective's jaw line.
Kevin had no idea, Javier decided, what those nibbling little caresses were doing to him. Driven by a need to possess he ran his hands down his partner's chest to hook in the waistband of his slacks and pull him closer. With their hips flush against one another it was clear that the kiss affected them both equally. Javier felt his partner jerk against him as he sought another kiss and decided that they'd both be more comfortable in a bed. Or maybe the couch. OK definitely the couch. It was closer. But Kevin appeared to have other ideas. He spun them round quickly and Javier could feel himself losing his balance until his back was to the wall. Then Kevin changed the angle of the kiss and Javier forgot everything except the burning need to feel skin on skin. He was dimly aware of buttons popping and cloth ripping but he didn't care.
Kevin Ryan was desperately searching for some of the finesse that usually marked his lovemaking. He couldn't find any. The feel of his partner's skin was too drugging. He literally ached for Javier's hands on his body. He wanted this to be right though. Wanted this to be slow. Wanted to savour the experience.
"Javi," he murmured "Wait. Stop." He pushed at the hands fumbling at his belt buckle.
"Kev?" asked Javier, his voice blurred with desire.
"It's not that I mind having you against the wall," he told the Hispanic detective, amusement warring with lust in his voice "But I want to do this right."
"If you mean wining and dining then I think we're a bit past the dating stage, bro." Javier said bluntly.
"No, I mean on a bed and taking it slow. Savouring things," he took the other man's arm and pulled him towards the bedroom "Don't you wanna go slow with me?" he breathed in his partner's ear as he shut the door and flicked on a lamp. The remains of his shirt were discarded as he pushed his partner to the bed. He smoothed himself down the length of the other man's body and began to undo shirt buttons one by one, placing kisses on every inch of skin he exposed. Spreading the shirt wide he allowed himself the moment to just appreciate what he saw. The need to touch finally became too much and he ran his hands down his partner's chest and stomach and barely, just barely, brushed his fingers over the bulge in the other man's pants. Javier bucked up towards him, a strangled sound that he couldn't quite stifle escaping his throat.
"Kevin," he whispered "please." His partner grinned as he undid Javier's belt buckle with excruciating slowness.
"Oh Dios," the Hispanic detective breathed "Querida."
Did Javier know, Kevin wandered, how sexy he looked right then? Did he know what those whispered Spanish endearments and curses did to the Irish detective's control?
Later, Javier would deny with every fibre of his being that he ever begged. But right then he needed Kevin's hand on him.
"Kevin. Por Favor." he gasped, not even noticing that he had slipped into Spanish. Finally, finally, his partner touched him with teasing strokes from root to tip. Javier bucked against his hand, too far gone in pleasure to hear- or care about- the whimpering noises he was making. Somehow Kevin knew exactly what Javier wanted, needed, and set up a caressing rhythm that was just firm enough and just fast enough to drive him crazy. He balanced on the edge of control and, losing it, fell into a climax so intense that he was almost certain that, for a moment, he lost consciousness.
When he came back to himself, Kevin was watching him with an expression that could only be described as smug.
"Time for some payback," Javier whispered as he saw how hard the other man was inside his pants. He pushed the Irish detective onto his back and, in one smooth move, released him from his confinement.
"My turn, mi amante," he breathed as he closed his fingers around Kevin's engorged member. Kevin knew that he made a sound close to a sob as his partner stroked him but he didn't care.
"Javi," he moaned. Long forgotten words sprang to his lips. Words that claimed ancestry from the heart of Ireland.
"Mo ghra." My love. His partner gripped him firmly and Kevin surrendered to an orgasm that left him feeling like his bones had liquefied.
They cuddled together, spoon-style, slightly sticky but satiated.
"Wow," breathed Kevin finally "Why the hell did we wait so long to do that?"
"I'm trying to remember but my brain just melted," Javier breathed back. He felt, rather than heard, Kevin's chuckle. The Irish detective manoeuvred himself around until he was facing his Hispanic partner.
"Javi," he began, and his tone was more serious "What are we going to do about work?" he asked.
"We'll carry on as normal," the other answered "There's no laws against what we're doing. Nothing needs to change because we care about one another like this."
"You know how people feel about partners sleeping together," Kevin sighed "I don't want anyone to think that our work could get screwed up by our relationship."
"People will think that at first," agreed Javier "but they'll soon see that we fit together no matter what our relationship is." And he smoothed is hands over his lover's body to prove just how well they fit together. Kevin's breath hitched as the other man began to follow the path of his hand's with his lips. A sudden thought came to him and he clutched at Javier's shoulders.
"What about castle?" he gasped "You know what he's like. He'll probably write a gay sex scene into his next book!"
"Kev," sighed Javier "Stop worrying, shut up and kiss me." He grinned "In that order. As they kissed Kevin soon forgot everything except the need to possess and be possessed. It was a need that Javier was happy to fulfil.