Ah… Are we seriously doing this?

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Ah… seems like we are doing this, huh.

Okay, this is not a story unlike any you have ever heard of before. Rather, chances are that if you live in Japan or enjoy Anime/Manga, this is the type of tale you're already sick of hearing.

After all, tales like mine are almost always seen through the eyes of annoying protagonists who look suspiciously like the main character of "SAO". Ah, by the way, yes. I'm but the latest installment in the seemingly endless iterations of the "Kirito" system. I like to refer to myself as "Kirito ver. 900.000.000".

Umm… Oh, I'm missing the point, aren't I? Yeah, I died.

I died nine years ago in a rather embarrassing way. It wasn't the type of honorable death that'd make others cry after hearing it. No, it certainly wasn't. I didn't leave any great quotes behind either. I lived my life stupidly, and my last words reflect that just fine. In a way, my last words were very fitting for a man like me, "Luke Sanders"

"Hold my beer. Check this out".

Ah… though it is okay to call it embarrassing, it was also kind of cool in its own right. Those were some amazing last words, huh.

But my "life", technically, did not reach its conclusion back then. Leaving my former identity behind, I, "Luke Sanders" somehow live on as "Dazai Kamui", son of Dazai Kazuma and Dazai Megumi. Yeah, I too think that my parents' names are suspicious as hell.

Ah, but don't worry, I don't live in any "Wonderful World". I certainly don't feel "God's Blessings".

I live in Japan. Yay.

However, I live in Japan as a twenty-two years old American man trapped in a nine years old Japanese boy's body. So, obviously, there are certain things I'm not enjoying. School, for example, is not something I necessarily enjoy. After all, as a normal twenty-two years old guy, having to frequent a bunch of snooty brats has me seriously peeved.

School did teach me something very important though.

Before going to school, I thought that I was randomly reincarnated somewhere in the same boring world I already knew. I thought for sure that the "Isekai" genre was giving me a titanic middle finger, probably saying something like "You're not Japanese enough to go to a different world!" and shoving me away to the "supernatural/comedy" genres.

I was proven wrong when I met Issei. Yes, that Issei.

"Hi! I'm Ise and I love Oppai!"

Shut the f*ck up – That's what I thought when I met him. He was a small version of the very familiar "Oppai Dragon", Pervert of Perverts, the "One True Pervert God-Emperor" and this generation's "Red Dragon Emperor" himself.

He was also the cause of my most painful epiphany to date. I'm not the main character in my own sh*tty story – no, I'm something way worse. Compared to this, my death, which was insanely stupid and I absolutely refuse to ever talk about it, was actually honorable. For you see, my dearest readers, I'm but a character in someone's sh*tty fanfiction. I'm an OC in a F*CKING High School DxD FANFICTION!

This knowledge drove me straight to nihilism.

The adage "Ignorance is bliss" was suddenly way more meaningful to me than before.

So I'm salty beyond compare right now. But my humiliation did not end there, oh no. Later that day, out of sheer despair, I unlocked my own Sacred Gear. I have two of them. And they're two of the most cliché powers I could think of. I refuse to talk about them right now.

"Kamui-chan…?"

Aaaaaand that takes us to the present, out of my thoughts.

"Kamui-chan, are you feeling better?"

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Sigh… After that… revelation, I had an "episode". More accurately speaking, I went bananas and laughed like a psycho in the middle of the classroom, only to cry rivers afterwards. Then I hyperventilated and passed out, hitting my head with something as I fell (if the throbbing pain I'm feeling is any clue). I guess my teachers called my parents at some point after that.

I woke up in time to see my homeroom teacher, Ms. Tachibana Nozomi, yell at a crying Issei. Apparently, they blamed him for what happened. They are not wrong, but they are not right either. I was able to defuse the situation by assuring Nozomi-sensei that Issei did nothing to me.

I was taken home afterwards though. That was two days ago. I vehemently refused to go back to school.

… Mostly because I'm having too much fun playing with my Sacred Gears. Hey, they may be cliché as fuck, but supernatural powers are supernatural powers, right?

"I'm okay, mom". I answered lazily. I feel like shit, but that's just because I'm overusing my Sacred Gears. Apparently, if a little kid like me uses them, he's bound to lose a lot of stamina in the process. I'm not stopping though.

I'm currently lying prone on my bed, face deep in my pillow.

"Kamui-chan, Issei-kun and his parents are here. They're here to say sorry".

What?

F*ck. I have to stand up now.

"I'll be there in a minute, mom".

So, he's not off the hook yet? Even though I told Nozomi-sensei that he did nothing to me… f*cking teachers.

With a lot of effort, I push myself off of my wonderful, soft bed and head downstairs, where I saw Issei, looking depressed, and his parents talking with my dad. I'm officially irked.

"Ah, Kamui, your friend and his parents came here to talk to you". My dad said. He's looking smug for some reason.

"Ah, Kamui-chan!" Issei's mother said upon noticing me, looking slightly ashamed. She had that look, you know? That look of "I'm very sorry!" people sometimes have. "Ise wanted to apologize, so we came here". She pushed him forwards even before she finished saying that.

Issei looked like he really liked our floor, his eyes were glued to it.

"I'm very sorry". Aaaaaand he's crying. I managed to see a glimpse of water on the corner of his eyes, which irked me further.

At this point I felt my eyes growing darker. Don't ask me how, but I've always been able to feel this things. Things kind of blur out when it happens, and thinking becomes difficult. It's like my consciousness slips away very slowly until I'm looking straight at something with, according to people who know me, – or rather, people who knew Luke Sanders – a mix between a dazed expression and a deadpan, and it's apparently eerie as hell.

They probably kept blaming him unfairly. I don't like that. People always blamed me for things that I didn't do…

"Why are you apologizing, Issei?"

I saw everyone in the room, including Issei's parents and my parents, stand straighter. My voice, although still sounding like that of a child, sounded mature and stern. Good. I'm trying to lecture these people, you know?

Issei looked at me for a moment, and I flinched slightly. When we met, the kid had a toothy smile on his face as he proudly declared his love for Oppai. Though it caused me a serious existential crisis, it wasn't his fault. It's not his fault that I'm stuck in this universe as damn character in a fanfiction. So I'm feeling very guilty now! He shouldn't look that gloomy, damn it!

"Because I did something bad?"

"Like hell you did! You did nothing!" And with that, the stern voice was replaced by an outraged voice. I haven't talked like this since a jerk in my previous life said, and I quote, "Emilia-tan is better than Rem", which resulted in a two hours discussion.

"What did you say to me back then, Issei?"

"I said "Hi. I'm Ise and I love Oppai"?" His mother immediately slapped her own forehead.

"Damn right! I love Oppai too! High-five, man!" I raised my right hand up in the air, and Issei's eyes widened. He almost immediately raised his hand up too and then the floor below us cracked under the weight of world's most awesome high-five in history. The sheer testosterone of it equaled that of the most badass action movie.

The gloomy expression on Issei's face melted like ice in front of the warmth of his sunshine-like smile. He started bouncing up and down like the sugar-addicted brat that I'm pretty sure he is. A much better sight than before.

"Big Oppai are the best, aren't they?" Issei said. My mother gasped, looking offended.

"Now, now, Issei-kun, true men adore all Oppai equally. There's an especial charm even to the smallest of Oppai".

"Kazuma-san! Kazuma-san!"

"Hai, Kazuma desu".

"Our kid said something really good just now, didn't he? He'll be a great man one day!"

"Isn't he just a pervert though?!" My dad tsukkomi'd like an expert! I knew it! My parents' true identity is…!

Author's Note:

I'm Ultimate-Class HikkiNEET and this is my first story. Ah… what can I say about this? …well, this all began when I thought "What if the Perverted Trio were more than just three perverts? What if they were the holders of three legendary Sacred Gears? What if they were childhood friends?" The answer to that may or may not be this fanfiction. I'll be honest enough to say that I'm only posting this as it is because I have a habit of deleting whatever I write before posting it. I'm not really confident in my own skills as a writer.

So, yeah, Issei and Vali will be childhood friends in this story. All three of them will share the role of protagonist and I will write chapters in Issei's and Vali's POV.

I would really appreciate a beta-reader. I'm not a native English speaker and I think it shows a little too much. I want to write a story that everyone can enjoy, that's why I seriously need some help here. At least until I get used to writing.

Please Review. Let me know if you liked this chapter or if you think that it is cr*ap of the highest order. If it's too bad, I'll just delete and try again later.

See ya later! I hope!