She's gone
Blood.
On the wood floors.
Blood.
On the neatly painted walls.
Blood.
On cold, heartless hands.
Blood.
Dripping off the knife.
Blood.
Oh, she's gone, yeah, I love you girl, I love you girl.
"Ji Yong Oppa?" Han Ki called.
"Deh!" I replied, as I walked up behind her, carrying a tray of food and drinks.
She had been out in the court yard, studying all morning. I decided to bring her lunch.
"I brought your favorite, roast beef, on white bread, with tomato and lettuce. And of course a strawberry milkshake. I figured you needed a pick me up, just about now." I put the tray down beside her on the bench, tossing a fake smile her way. They come so easy.
She didn't notice the smile, she never does, she smiles back quickly. She proceeds to pick up the sandwich, take a small bit and continue her studying. It's been like this for years, I've loved her for about 8 years, I'm 22, I've devoted the better part of my life to her and she doesn't even notice. Even I think I look stupid, I will cut off a lingering attachment. Yea right, I say that every time. I stand there, waiting to see if she's going to say something. It takes about 5 minutes before she looks up again.
"Oppa, you should head home, I can take care of myself."
That's a lie, she called me this morning asking me to come over. She said she needed help studying, and she wanted company. I start to walk away. Stop pulling me in, and pushing me away.
"And Oppa?"
I turn, hoping, begging her to say one word. One simple word. But already feeling the sting of disappointment.
"Deh?"
"Cahmsamnida." she smiles, but something in her expression made me think of something ending. It had a finality to it, almost as if she was thanking me for everything I had done for her but saying she was done with me.
I still remember a couple years back, she was in a moment of weakness. Her boyfriend of 2 years dumped her, she had locked herself in her room for days. I finally convinced her to let me in with some food.
All she did was cry on my shoulder, eventually she stopped and nibbled at the food. I, as usual, pretended to smile, to be the happy, silly oppa she knows. That's when it happened. She told me she was sick of being hurt, she smiled at me through her tears and said, "Oppa, why don't we date? You would never treat me badly, you never have."
I was at a loss for words, I wanted so badly to accept her offer. But I looked at her tear stained face and knew that it couldn't happen like this, this was just a moment of weakness. Only a week later she had a new boyfriend, and it wasn't me. I knew that she had said that out of hurt and disparity, but still, somehow it stung greatly when she introduced us. I still remember it, I remember every moment with her in vivid detail.
Some say my clear, and vivid memories of her are creepy, but I'm so serious about her. Why else would I stay by her side, tortured with being just a friend, for eight long years? She's always on my mind, even after I cut off, no, attempted to cut off all attachment to her. I can't understand why I stay by her, what draws me. Why is my attachment to her so intense? I've never been able to figure it out, I've been asking myself over and over just delve further into the confusion of it all. I think I'm pathetic, I keep thinking about you.
"Jiyong?" She calls me back.
"Deh?"
"I," She pauses, "I think it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. I mean, I have a fiancee now and he's not comfortable with me seeing you."
I just nod and continue walking, not even looking back. I just went home, not feeling anything anymore. I didn't plan too, not even when I grabbed a knife and got into my car. Originally it was for me, but before I knew it I was pulling into her drive way.
I grabbed the knife and got out of the car. I knew the door would be unlocked, a bad habit from when she spent a summer in a suburb in America. It was pouring rain, thunder rolled through the ground and it seemed like every half a second lightning was ripping the sky in two.
The door swung open, noiselessly in a wide arc, revealing her kitchen and living room. I quickly make my way to her bedroom, my plans still not even evident to myself, until I swing open that door to see her lying to peacefully, completely immersed in a subconscious world. How could she sleep so peacefully after tearing me to pieces?
I would show her what it feels like to be torn to pieces, ripped apart tiny piece by piece. I feel the knife, heavy in my hand, turning it slowly in my palm. I start with her fingers, I hear screaming from somewhere, but it's distant. One by one her fingers come off, blood soaking me and the sheets. Soon I run out of fingers, suddenly the screaming gets louder, unbearable even. I need it to stop, I don't even look at what I'm doing when I stab her through her chest over and over.
It stops and I breathe a sigh of relief, slumping against the side of the bed.
Oh, she's gone...
Based loosely, on G-Dragons She's gone. Jiyong's loved a girl for the better part of his life and he can't take it when she decides they can't even be friends anymore.