Episode 100.
Need I say more?
It's rough...I may still revise. But not quite yet. Complete for now.
"Hey, Cam…you seen Bones anywhere around?" Cam looked up as Booth appeared in the doorway to her office. She frowned as she took in his jovial expression, seeing beneath the smile to the lines of stress carved into his face that hadn't been there only a short year ago.
"Hi, Seeley. No. She's…out to lunch." Cam decided to edit her words slightly.
"Oh." She watched as Booth's right hand crept up to the inside pocket of his suit jacket as if checking for something. "Right. It is lunchtime isn't it." Booth fidgeted. "I'll…uh…I guess I'll catch her later." He started to leave, pulling the item from his pocket as he turned away, his head bowing to look at it.
"Seeley!" Cam raised her voice, trying to stop him.
He turned, an air of reluctance radiating from him like a neon sign. "Yeah, Cam?"
Cam cringed inwardly as his standard response to her calling him Seeley did not make an appearance. Briefly she wondered at the fleeting wish to hear her full name come teasingly from him once again.
"Okay, Seeley…what's going on?"
"What?" Booth raised brows at her, his expression guileless. His hands toyed with the item he'd pulled from his pocket, turning it around and around with an almost compulsive air.
"You. Brennan. That…" she nodded to the envelope, "Is that for her?"
Booth frowned for a second at her, and then his face clouded over, "No, Cam." A sigh escaped him. "It's not for Bones."
Cam stood and came around her desk, moving to stand close to Booth and knowing when he flinched that there was something very wrong. "Come on, big guy, give. I know you too well. What's wrong?"
He hastily moved to stuff the envelope back in his pocket, but she was too quick for him. Stealing it from his hand, she had enough time to glance at the front of it before he snatched it back.
She gaped at him. "Oh, lord… Addressed to Cullen? Booth? What…"
His eyes met hers for a brief second, and the cool defensiveness in them threatened her, telling her to back off. Being Cam, she didn't back down easily. Instead she moved closer to him. "Booth, what are you doing?"
She looked at him and realized that he was no longer paying her any attention whatsoever because his gaze had been drawn across the wide expanse of the lab. Frowning, Cam moved to stand at his side, following his stare across the room.
She watched as Dr. Brennan tilted her head to smile up at her lunch date. The words she spoke to the tall man, a professor at the nearby College of William and Mary, were lost in the distance, but the unmistakable pleasure on her face was not. Cam watched as the man tipped his own head down, meeting Brennan's lips in a kiss that lasted just long enough to be more than casual.
A slight, unidentifiable sound brought her gaze back to Booth. His entire body had gone so utterly still that she wasn't sure he was even breathing anymore. Then, he turned his head to meet her stare, and his eyes held hers for a brief second, the unmistakable agony in their brown depths bringing a soft sigh of understanding from her, "Oh."
Booth leaned against his vehicle and watched as Bones slid out of Angela's car. He raised a relaxed hand to Angela in response to her wide smile of greeting and forced a half smile to cross his face. Angela blinked, and her own grin faded a bit at his expression before his attention was captured by Bones.
"Booth? What are you…? Do we have a case?" Booth watched as Bones eyed him curiously, her gaze taking in his casual attire and the car he was leaning against. He noted the light of appreciation in her gaze as she eyed his pride and joy, the 1966 Shelby GT350 Fastback that he had lately spent a great deal of his time restoring.
"No." Belatedly, he remembered that she had asked him a question and he answered hastily as Angela pulled away from them, seeking a parking space in the front lot of the Jeffersonian. "No case, Bones."
"Oh…" she looked at him curiously, "If you're here to take me to lunch…" She gestured towards where Angela was attempting to pull into a spot. "Ange and I just got back."
Booth let a smile cross his face, trying to reassure her, but the memory of her returning from a lunch a few days ago soured his attempt. "No, Bones. I…" he hesitated. "I'm not here to do lunch."
"Oh." Bones frowned at him, not comfortable with his tone, but unsure why. "Well…if it's not a case…and not lunch…" She tipped her head to peer at him curiously, "Then…?"
"Why am I here?" Though he tried to keep it out of his tone, Booth's control slipped slightly and he heard the harsh note that entered his voice.
"Um…yes." Bones's frown grew a bit deeper, her tone more unsure.
Booth sighed, dropping his head and crossing his arms over his chest. He felt the tension in his own arms as he tried to keep a tight hold on his emotions. "Look…Bones…we need to talk."
"Talk?" Bones was looking at him like a lab specimen, and Booth tried not to resent the steady stare.
"Yeah, Bones. I've got something…" He sighed. "Look, I don't know how to…"
Brennan frowned at him. "If you have something to say, Booth, then say it. Quit beating across the bush…" A faint smile tipped the edges of Bones's mouth, hinting at the fact that she had deliberately mis-worded the phrase so Booth could correct her.
"Okay." Booth ignored her misquote entirely, unable to participate in their normal friendly banter when his gut was roiling with tension. He decided to take Bones up on her word, hating the shredding sense of impending doom that had taken control of him.
Quietly, he broke his news to her, "Cullen will be calling you this afternoon to set up an…interview…for you."
'Interview?" The perplexed tone in her voice was exactly what he'd expected.
"Yeah." Booth looked up and away, unable to meet her eyes, unwilling to allow her see what lurked in the depths of his own gaze. "I think there are about four agents he wants you to check out and see if you can work with them."
"Work…" Bones's voice broke off, and her sudden silence forced him to drop his gaze to meet hers. His jaw tightened as he watched a range of emotions play across her face. Puzzlement gave way to dawning realization, then a frown of disbelief as she searched his face for any evidence of amusement at her expense.
He could tell when her mind settled on the correct interpretation of his announcement. He watched as she started shaking her head in negation and he fought a battle within himself, forcing his own emotions to lie deep.
"But, Booth…we…remember, we…" He tried not to cringe as she started to stammer, knowing that the idea had hurt her and hating the fact that he had to be the one to cause the pain he could hear in her tone.
"The center must hold…and we're the center, right?" There was a frenetic note in her voice that tore at him despite the overwhelming sense of despondency that he had been fighting within himself since a fateful night over a year ago.
Quietly, he answered her, "We…were, Bones…but…" He remembered the long-ago conversation and drew from it, "But we're not 'okay' anymore, Bones." He closed his eyes at the pang the words shot through him even as he said them.
Pain drew his brows down as he opened his eyes again to peer down at her, willing her to understand the emotion behind his simple words, "I'm not okay, anymore, Bones."
"But we're partners, Booth…" Bones stared stubbornly up at him, her brow furrowed as she tried to fit together the pieces of the puzzle that had suddenly become her partner. "You said…" She swallowed hard and he flinched at the betrayal he could see beginning to show in her eyes as her voice dropped to a whisper, "You said we could still be partners."
Booth made a small sound deep in his chest, closing his eyes again as he tried to rein in the words that were trying so desperately to escape from him. "I know what I said, Bones. And I meant it…"
His brown eyes opened, locking with her worried blue gaze. "I meant it, Bones, with everything inside of me. I did." His voice was quiet, earnest, with a profound thread of sorrow that deepened her frown as he stressed the past tense.
"Then why are you…"
"Because I just can't do this anymore, Bones. I thought I could." Booth swallowed hard, lifting his eyes away from the dawning understanding that was beginning to cloud Brennan's gaze as she stared up at him. Rolling his eyes skyward, he gritted out, "God knows, I've tried."
He dropped his eyes back to hers, searching her face for some hint of empathy, an inkling of her understanding what he was going through. What he found was fear--fear and a burgeoning glint of anger. Though not unexpected, the emotions he saw in her face saddened him.
"What, Booth?" Her voice held defensive anger and a hint of belligerent challenge, "What can't you do anymore?"
Booth answered her anger with a calm solemnity that hid the pit of agony deep within himself that he had been concealing for far too long. "It's been a year, Bones." His voice was soft, his eyes searching hers.
"A year of me watching you…" His voice broke and he paused, clenching his jaw tightly for a long moment before he closed his eyes and continued, "Watching you move on… Watching you move past that night…"
He opened his eyes again, his voice dropping to a low mutter as he tried to contain the rising wave of pain and sorrow, "And I haven't, Bones." He shook his head, the brown depths of his gaze filled with what he was trying to keep out of his voice, "I gambled, Bones, and I lost…"
He tried a smile, but knew by the tightness in his face that it was a pitiful effort as he softly confessed, "And, I can't seem find a way to move on…"
Bones drew herself up tightly, wanting anything but to acknowledge the reality of what Booth was letting her see in his face. "What about...?" she began.
Knowing what she was going to say, Booth interrupted softly, "No, Bones. Anne, Heather…" He shook his head with a wry twist to his mouth, "Nothing there. They couldn't give me what I wanted…what I need…."
He sighed, admitting with quiet resignation, "Because I don't have what I need to give them."
"I…don't understand, Booth." The anger disappeared from Bones's face, chased away by a taut look of uncertainty and fear that Booth had prayed not to see. He watched, his eyes bleak as Bones pulled away from him, emotionally first, and then physically as she leaned back slightly.
"Yeah…Bones…yeah…you do understand. You just can't make that leap, can you?" Defeat lay heavy across his shoulders and they sagged before Booth drew in a deep breath. He met Bones's wary gaze and reached out to trace the line of her jaw gently with one thumb.
Bones frowned up at him as he stared at her for a long moment, his eyes roving like a caress over her face. He knew that the emotion he was feeling was no longer under his control, that his eyes were betraying him, as Bones leaned slightly towards him as if drawn by his gaze even as her own eyes widened in what was unmistakable anxiety at that same emotion.
"I came here today to say goodbye, Bones." He could hear the thickness in his own voice, and swallowed hard.
"Goodbye?" Panic flared to life in Brennan's blue eyes and Booth winced inwardly. Her pain was his, but for once, his own pain was too vast for him to set it aside for her.
"Oh…you're going on vacation…" Bones began, desperation beginning to color her voice as she tried for a relieved tone and a logical explanation.
"No, Bones." Gently Booth cut her off, not letting her sublimate the issue. "No vacation. There was an opening in the FBI offices out in Washington State…"
He waited. Everything he hadn't said loomed between them, and he waited.
He watched as she searched his face, her blue eyes darkening as his meaning sank home. Her utter stillness as she stared up at him was like a tension-filled time bomb, and for a moment, Booth found himself feeling a shred of optimism, a small glimmer of hope that maybe she would find the strength within her to give them a chance.
He watched as, with a sigh, all the tension left her body, her blue eyes grew shuttered, and she turned an unruffled, thoughtful stare up to him, "Fine, Booth. I…won't say good luck…"
She tipped her head and her lips turned up in a slight smile, only the slightest hint of stress evident in her face, "I don't believe in luck after all…but…" Bones drew in a deep breath, "I wish you well. I am sure you will excel."
Booth blinked slowly, sucking in a fortifying breath as her words drove through his gut like a red-hot poker. "Yeah, Bones."
Knowing what she was doing didn't help. Knowing that her response shouldn't have surprised him didn't stop the agony.
A creeping numbness washed over him, rolling in from the tips of his fingers and toes until it reached the center of his chest and lodged there in an agonized wad. "Thanks." Booth nodded stiffly, feeling the tightness of his face as he tried to smile.
He became vaguely aware of another presence nearby as he shoved shaking fingers into his jeans pocket, trying to pull out the keys to the Shelby so that he could make his escape. It wasn't until Bones spoke again that he realized who had stopped to hover just outside of their personal space while they had been talking.
"You see, Ange…" The quiet words cut through the air as Bones turned on her heel and walked around the front of the car, her determined stride carrying her swiftly towards the other woman. Booth raised his eyes to see Angela staring at them with a stunned expression as Bones continued bitterly, her voice full of self-righteous certainty, "I've told you. Relationships are ephemeral. I learned it years ago…my father, Russ…Booth…everyone leaves…"
A white hot flare of rage roiled through him at her words, searing the numbness away and leaving pure scorching wrath in its wake. Before he was fully aware of his own intentions, he went after her. A handful of long strides brought him around the front of the car.
No longer entirely in control, Booth knew that his grip on her upper arm was tighter than it should have been as he grabbed Bones and used her own momentum to spin her around to face him. Understanding Bones as well as he did, he threw up his left arm, blocking the right hook that he knew would be aimed at his face.
He ignored her surprised grunt of pain as their arms collided and then mirrored the grip he had on her left arm, holding her to keep her from running from him. For the first time in six years, Temperance Brennan looked up into the face of her partner and saw the latent anger, the hidden, unplumbed depths of rage that he was capable of as his brown eyes glinted dangerously down at her.
His voice was a harsh rasp of barely suppressed anguish as he growled, "Damn you, Bones…don't. Don't you dare lump me in with them." A muscle twitched in Booth's jaw and his voice shook with the effort not to bellow the words into her upturned face.
"Why not, Booth?" Sarcasm was thick in her voice. "You're leaving. Just like them. You lied. Just like them." Anger warred with despair and accusation in Bones's voice as she glowered up at him.
Peripherally aware of Angela's horrified gasp, Booth spun Bones around so that his broad back shielded them, buying them the barest amount of privacy. Unmitigated fury radiated through him, fueled by months of suppressed pain and he swiftly released his grip on her upper arms, afraid of hurting her.
Taking two steps forward, he forced Bones to step back with the sheer strength of his presence. He watched her eyes widen and the flush of anger drain away from her cheeks as, for the first time in their long and tempestuous partnership, he turned the full force of his own anger on her.
She stopped as her back came up against the warm steel of the vehicle behind her and her chin angled upwards defiantly as she realized that she had given ground. Booth angled his body so that they were breathing each other's air and his eyes never left her face as his voice trembled with the effort of retaining the tattered shreds of his self-control.
"Yes, Bones…I'm leaving." He watched her brow knit and the mingled panic and anger flare on her face and moved swiftly, knowing she was about to make a break for her comfort zone—the lab.
He slammed both hands down onto the roof of the car on either side of her, confining her with his arms but taking great care not to touch her as he pinned her in place with a cage made of his own body. "But before I go, you're going to damn well listen to me."
"Fine." Bones's voice was cold. "I'm listening." She folded her arms across her chest and stared up at him with challenge in her eyes.
Words fled. Coherent thought dispersed. Booth felt a snarl of frustration rumble through him, saw her eyes widen in sudden shock as all of the pain, hurt, anger and despair he was feeling finally shattered his restraint.
Without conscious thought, he yanked his hands away from the roof of the car, catching either side of her face in his palms as he tangled his fingers deep into her hair. Without giving her time to think or respond, he pulled her forward and slanted his mouth across hers.
Her gasp of surprise gave him entry and he deepened the kiss with an urgency that refused to be denied. Pouring every bit of the agony that had ripped at him for the past year into the contact; he delved deep, tasting her fear as if it were his own.
He could feel her hands rise to his chest, felt her trying to push him away, but for once in their relationship, Booth was unable to allow her to set a pace that was comfortable for her. For once, he took what he desperately needed and prayed that the intensity of his feelings would push past her fears and finally reach the woman he knew was terrified of her own depth of emotion.
He moved his mouth on hers, drinking in her taste, her sweetness, trying desperately to show her through the contact what he was feeling. As he deepened the kiss, his anger softened, and his mouth on hers gentled. A groan of exquisite agony ripped from him when he felt her hands quit pushing at him and make fists in his jacket.
He opened his eyes slowly, releasing her lips, tasting her on himself. He pressed his forehead to hers, his breath shuddering from him for a long moment as he tried to calm the trembling that was rushing through him like the ague. He pulled back from her gently, his heart and soul in his gaze as he waited for her to open her own eyes. When she did, he felt a faint tremor of hope thrill through him when he saw the dazed softness of her stare.
"Booth…"
"No. Shhhh…" His hands reflecting the tender sadness he was feeling, he ran his thumbs gently across her cheeks, marveling at the softness under his hands.
He drew in a deep breath and confessed quietly, his voice steady, "I love you, Bones. A simple truth. No lies. No questions. No doubts."
He didn't allow her time to question or comment as he continued, "I told you that once before and I got scared and screwed it up. Not this time. I. Love. You." Booth enunciated each word with succinct clarity, never wanting her to ever find any ambiguity in his statement.
"I told you before that I'd die for you…that I'd kill for you…and…" Booth sighed, knowing that his words were the depths of his soul being bared to her, "God help me, but it's true. I have never lied to you about that."
His eyes darkened, and he held her face in the cradle of his hands, not letting her turn away from him as he captured her eyes with the somber depths of his stare, "But, there's one thing I can't do anymore, Bones…I can't live like this for you." His voice cracked.
Swallowing hard, he finally had the strength to confess, "This past year, I have lied to you. Every single time you've brought another man into your life, Bones, I've watched, I've smiled, I've been the partner you want, the friend you need." His throat closed, and for a long moment, he fell silent. Between his hands, he felt her swallow hard, her eyes closing against his words.
Her mouth opened, he felt the tension in her jaw, and he rushed his words, trying to keep her from speaking, "But, I've had to lie to do it…so I guess, in that respect, you do have that much right…I have lied." His own honesty ripped at him, his sorrow at his own deception darkening his voice.
He paused, swallowed hard, and demanded with his eyes that she see what was in his heart, "But I can't do it anymore, Bones." All the anguish of the past year roughened his tone. "I've been standing on the outside looking in, wanting what you won't let me have, fighting for something you won't let me win.
The passion in his voice deepened with the agony of failure and the horrible taste of defeat, "God, Bones…I can't move on because every day I'm with the person I want to be with…nobody else comes close. And even though you mistakenly think you're not enough for me…I know you are everything I need."
"Booth…I…can't…" The quaver in Bones's voice sent a shudder of fear up Booth's spine and he ignored her words, trying desperately to make her understand.
"I've spent six years teaching you to how to put your head in neutral and your heart in overdrive, Bones. And you've learned. No matter what you think…you are capable of change…I know that. It's just your fear that keeps you from seeing it too…" The fire of conviction that lit his brown eyes met only the fear and distrust in hers.
"No…I…Booth…" Between his hands, she tried to shake her head, the panic rising within her cooling her skin enough to where he could feel it.
He sighed, pleading with his eyes for her to believe him—to believe in him. An atavistic shiver of real fear spiked through him as she closed her eyes, shutting him out.
His voice deepened, a note of defeat creeping into it as he watched her reaction. "But, I've spent this past year learning from you, too, Bones. I've learned that there comes a time when you can't listen to your heart anymore, even though you know it's right about someone."
"I know I said I'd never leave you, Bones." He smiled sadly down at her as her eyes flew open. "And I didn't lie. I'll always…" His voice broke. He pushed past the sound, knowing it was only a faint echo of what was happening deep inside himself, "You will always have a part of me with you…I can't take it back…and…" His voice held resigned grief, "I don't want to…"
He stared desolately down at her, watching her eyes grow more and more wary. "But unless something changes…unless you can…"
"Let me go." Her voice was a wispy thread of sound.
Booth cringed. He let his head drop, felt his forehead touch hers, and, for the last time, breathed in the air she shared. "Bones…" It was as close to begging as he was able to bring himself to do.
With a quiet utterance of four words, she ripped his heart out and ground it under her heel, "Don't. Call. Me. Bones."
The numbness returned after a blinding flash of pain. Gut-shot, Booth dropped his hands and straightened. He opened his eyes, expecting to see anger and resentment in her gaze as she glared up at him. Instead, he met a blue gaze filled with terror and pain, resentment and betrayal.
She slipped like a wraith from in front of him and, this time, he let her go. Blindly, he stared at the hood of the Shelby, seeing nothing, hearing her footsteps as she made her way swiftly up the sidewalk towards the lab.
He felt the grating tension in his jaw and realized he was grinding his teeth. Slowly, Booth pivoted to watch her as she walked away.
"Goodbye…Temperance…" The words were a soft breath of a whisper that barely made it past frozen lips.
Having only heard the parts of the conversation that included the fact that Booth was indeed planning on leaving, Angela was ready to tear into the FBI agent. "You're leaving? How could you do that to her, Booth?" Angela's voice was filled with accusation and dismay as she started to turn from where she was also watching Brennan's hasty departure.
As she turned, the expression on Booth's face froze her in place. She stared at him in shock and dawning understanding as he, oblivious to her expression, continued to watch Brennan storm away from them.
Angela stared, transfixed by the naked agony on the face of the man in front of her. She watched as his jaw firmed and his chin lifted, the grit of his teeth showing in the leap of muscle below his ear.
"Oh my god…" She breathed the words quietly as she realized what had just happened. She moved closer and raised a hand, reaching out to cup his face as the raw emotion on his face transformed her anger into concern.
Booth flinched away from her touch, his movement instinctual, that of a wounded animal. Tearing his eyes from the rapidly departing figure of his former partner, he glanced down at her best friend who was staring up at him with tears in her expressive eyes. He blinked once, twice, and then a third time before the light of recognition finally entered his dark eyes.
"Oh god…" The desolation in the brown eyes that met hers made Angela cringe. "Booth…what…?"
"Take care of her for me, Ange." The request was spoken softly, with a depth of caring that was unquenchable.
"I…" Angela stopped her protest before it began. The tears Booth wouldn't allow himself to shed rolled from her eyes as she spoke with equal gentleness, "I will, Booth. I promise."
"Thanks, Ange." With military precision, Booth pivoted on his heel and started around the front of the Shelby, digging into his pocket for the keys. He opened the driver's side door and started to sit. Angela's voice stopped him.
"Booth… She wanted to plead with him, to ask him to give Brennan more time to come to terms with her own feelings. Her eyes told him what she couldn't bring herself to say and he answered her in the same manner.
Without another word, he folded himself into the front seat of the Shelby and pulled the door shut. The engine turned over with a muffled roar of power and Angela watched as, without another backwards glance, Special Agent Seeley Booth pulled away from the Jeffersonian and the six years of memories that it held.
The living room was dark, the only light coming in from the window and casting a faint glow across the floor as the door quietly opened. A shadow stepped inside and reached for the light switch.
"Booth?" The light flipped on under her hand as Bones took another step into Booth's apartment.
Her eyes scanned the room, searching for the person who had never failed to be there when she finally felt comfortable enough to seek him out. Her eyes widened as they took in the disconcerting lack of a human presence.
Swallowing hard, she moved towards the bedroom, calling out, "Booth? I know it's late, but I wanted to tell you, I've thought about the things you said today and…"
Her voice broke off as she pushed the bedroom door open to be greeted by the sight of a stripped mattress and an open, empty closet. She pivoted in place to look back into the living area, her eyes finally registering the fact that the apartment was no longer a home.
The little touches that made the place 'Booth's place' had disappeared. Framed photos, small knickknacks, and the sports memorabilia— all of it was missing while the larger furniture remained, paying silent homage to what the room used to be.
Bones drifted across the room once again, her eyes blank as she sank to sit on the edge of the couch. Six years of shared beers, shared take-out, and shared laughter drifted around her as she stared vacantly at the spot where the television used to be.
A harsh sob wracked the silence and Temperance Brennan pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around herself, and wept for what she had let her fears drive away.