"When the stars are the only things we share, will you be there?"
"Well, do you know what? Us not seeing each other makes it a little more equal because it's what you want and happily it coincides with what I want."
"Yes!"
The words slipped from my mouth in the heat of the moment, capturing my breath in my throat for a few moments as I watched him walk away. The realisation of what I'd just said had sunken in and I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to get rid of the sick feeling that had risen through my body, the familiar feeling of regret. They were meaningless words thrown back at him in spite for arguments sake. I had managed to run before I could walk yet again. It didn't matter how much I wanted to take them back, they'd already been said.
I watched his figure walk away amongst the sea of people that surrounded the corridors of the ward until I could no longer see him. Tears stung my eyes as I held my head down towards the floor, walking as fast as my stiletto clad feet would take me until I reached my office. I slammed the door shut, throwing my body back against the door as the tears suddenly released themselves and fell freely down my cheeks. Everything I touched, I ruined.
"Are you alright Connie?" I jumped a little and quickly wiped away the fresh tears before carrying on over to my desk, pretending like nothing had happened, like it were a figment of his imagination. "I am here if you need to talk. I can tell something is bothering you." I raised my head and brought my eye line to his, words wanted to blurt out but I had to fight to hold them back. For a moment I considered telling him about Gina and about Sam however I regained the control and just settled for, "It's ok. I'm fine." I lied. It was the only selfless thing I could do. I could see the pain in his eyes, his face etched with tiredness and worry as he came to work simply for some respite. When he was here, he could delve into another world where he had to care for someone else without all the emotional attachment. I see him breaking more and more each day as the Gina he once knew ebbed away a little faster than he'd initially expected, time slipping away from his grasp, the time he thought would never fade. I just wanted to cry for them. Before I knew it, Elliot appeared in front of me, his arms wide open, inviting me in for one of his big bear hugs and I accepted, crying for him and Gina and praying she would do the right thing.
"I bet you feel better now after that." I wiped away the tears that still pooled in my eyes, determined not to shed anymore. "Much better, thanks." Gathering my paperwork and possessions from my desk, I neatly placed them in my bag, averting my gaze away from Elliot as I could feel him watching me carefully. He didn't believe me and I didn't believe myself but I had to deal with my guilt alone. "You will phone me if you have to talk won't you? It's not as if I've got much to do tonight whilst Gina's away." I nodded, finding it hard to conceal my knowledge of her actual destination. "I'll be ok, honestly. Just one of those days." He smiled with a little reassurance and I smiled warmly back at him. I hooked my bag onto the crook of my arm and walked out of the office.
"I'm sorry Gina, you'll have to ask someone else. I've already made the application for you, besides you and I aren't even close."
"You know, when I look back on other people I have helped, I've not done because we were close, I've done it because I could."
"Well maybe I'm not a helpful person. I'm more your merciless hatchet faced type."
"That's the type I need. Most people say life should be saved at all costs but you and I know how most lives end."
As I emerged from the lift, I stopped dead in my tracks as I looked on to a frail and struggling Gina as the world flashed by her, ignoring her as she couldn't manage to pick up her bag beside her. Slumped in shame and embarrassment, unable to move, it was then I realised just how fed up of living she was. Without another thought I picked up the bag and guided her towards the waiting taxi. Her face a picture of relief at a familiar face, smiling brightly like she always did, almost guilt tripping me into going with her but I had already made my mind up. Loyalty was part of friendship. I just had to choose which friend I had to be loyal to. I couldn't watch her go by herself. No one deserves to leave this world alone. I shuffled up beside her, her hand placing itself against mine, a smile upon her face. This would be her last journey, and I was glad I could spend a little more time with her.
"What made you change your mind?"
"Elliot."
"What did he say?"
"It's not what he said, it's what he showed."
"Care to enlighten me?"
"His love for you. If he knew I let you go this alone, he'd never forgive me. At least this way, he'll learn to forgive me, perhaps."
"I've asked a lot of you and I'm so grateful. I can't tell you how happy I am that you're doing this for me, for us. He'll grow to understand and he'll learn to forgive, me that is, not you. What I'm doing is selfish and it's going to hurt him but I can't let them go through with this any longer. I can't go on any longer."
"Don't, you'll set me off."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
I glanced out into the scattering of cotton wool cushioning the clear blue sky, lost in its tranquillity, if only for a few moments. All my worries drifted away with the clouds, relieving the pressure from my mind. I placed my hand upon Gina's and rubbed it gently as she stared out thoughtfully, I knew she wished it were Elliot taking residence in my seat. She turned and smiled as a few tear drops resided down her cheeks. Taking her face in my hands, I brushed the tears away with my thumbs, giving her a sympathetic smile.
"Tell me what's troubling you."
"Me? Nothing."
"You think I haven't noticed. It's not just me stressing you out. You're hurting."
"I'm fine, seriously."
"When I look in the mirror, I see that exact same fear and pain staring back at me. So don't you dare try and fob me with the 'I'm fine' act because I can see through it."
"I'm pregnant."
"I thought as much. You look different. Radiant. It suits you. Congratulations."
"Thank you."
"Is it Sam's?"
"What?"
"Is it Sam's? Your registrar."
"How did you..."
"It's in your eyes. It's that sparkle you become recognisable to. I've seen you with him and I see your eyes glitter every time he enters a room, that side wards glance and the little smile that tugs your lips. You've got good chemistry you two. I've gotten awfully good at working out everyone's secrets lately, all this being restricted to hospital beds. That ward is like watching an episode of Jeremy Kyle most days."
"Is it really that obvious?"
"Probably only to me."
"I haven't told anyone yet apart from you obviously."
"I'm not exactly going to be telling anyone. I'll take your secret to my grave."
"I didn't mean that."
"I know you didn't. I'm guessing you're finished and he doesn't know?"
"I ended it with him today."
"And now you're hurting?"
"Like hell. Am I an open book to you or something?" My jaw hung open slightly in astonishment. I guess not even I can hold a secret in Holby these days. "Everything is just a bit of a blur. I don't know what I'm going to do but I'll figure it out."
"Tell him. Maybe he'll want to do what's right. He might want to get back together."
"That's what I'm worried about."
"Is it not what you want?"
"I'm just scared, scared of committing myself to another man who'll break my heart once more. I don't think I could go through with that again, not with a baby."
"Give him the chance to prove to you he's a good man. If you let him in a little things will appear different to how you imagine them. Even if you can't work things out as a couple, at least you can say you've tried."
"We'll see."
"Promise me."
"Why?"
"Because if you promise me, you'll do it."
"I'm not promising."
Her fingers entwined with mine, resting upon my lap comfortingly and she gave me that look, the look that guilted me into helping her all those weeks ago. It was her way of repaying me, looking after me in a sense even when she won't be here, the thought saddening me as I could feel the tears pricking my eyes. "Promise me?" She squeezed my hand gently, urging me to reply. Her eyes found mine and I reduced myself to a crumbling mess, the tears freely flowing. "I promise."