I'm afraid the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any X Men Evolution characters has taken off. This is set in the regular series. I just had this weird idea. Everyone knows Storm has claustrophobia and Lance is afraid of flying. But what other phobias lurk in the minds of the X-Men and Brotherhood?
The Only Thing To Fear…
"Okay here is a public service announcement," Scott said as he walked up to a group of X-Men and New Mutants studying outside. "Do not go on the roads. Kitty is practicing her driving."
"Thanks for the tip," Ray winced.
"Yeah now all we have to do is alert the highway patrol," Bobby snickered.
"The way Kitty drives I have a feeling they'll figure it out on their own," Rogue said. "I'm surprised you didn't get roped into giving her another lesson Scott."
"I almost did. The only way to get out of it was to make up a lie saying that I suddenly developed amaxophobia," Scott groaned.
"Amaxo-What?" Bobby asked.
"Amaxophobia is the fear of riding in vehicles," Scott said. "Especially when Kitty is driving."
"You got that idea from my list didn't you?" Jamie asked Scott.
"Yeah. I owe you for that one," Scott admitted.
"List? What list?" Bobby asked.
"Got this list of phobias, you know? Things people are afraid of," Jamie said as he took out a piece of paper. "You know how Storm has claustrophobia? Well I just thought it would be neat to have a list of things that other people are afraid of."
"You mean how like Kurt has a fear of fire?" Rogue pointed to Kurt.
"You would be a bit nervous about fire too if you were tied to a stake and a mob of angry villagers were in a competition to strike the first match," Kurt gave her a look. "How did you know…?"
"Kurt…Powers? Skin? Memories?" Rogue gave him a look. "Any of that ring a bell?"
"Oh right," Kurt blinked.
"According to this the fear of fire is arsonophobia," Jamie looked at the sheet. "Anybody else got one?"
"Well I know for a fact that Bobby here is scared of spiders, birds and anything that's hot that isn't a pizza," Ray scoffed.
"I'm not afraid of spiders! I just don't like them!" Bobby snapped. "And I have no problems with birds in the sky or outdoors. Only when they are in the house and try to peck my face off do I have a problem with them!"
"Yeah right," Ray snorted.
"And thirdly…I'm an ice type mutant! Hello! Of course I'd be a little wary of fire and hot rooms!" Bobby said. "It's not fear. Just common sense."
"I know fear of spiders is arachnophobia," Kurt said. "And we just said fire, so what's the fear of birds?"
"Orinthophobia," Jamie told him.
"I am not afraid of birds!" Bobby snapped.
"Sure you're not Bobby," Rogue rolled her eyes. "Hey look at that cute robin above us."
"Robin? Where? Where?" Bobby shielded his head and looked around. "Where is it? Don't let it poop on my head!"
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury…" Rogue made a motion with her hands. "I rest my case."
"Gotta give it to her," Amara admitted.
"Told you, he's afraid of birds," Ray admitted.
"Hey! Bird poop has germs! Really bad icky germs!" Bobby defended. "You can get bird flu and get sick and die from it! That's a fact people!"
"Now that we all know what Bobby's scared of does anyone else have any other fears?" Amara asked. "I know I'm kind of afraid of flying. Mostly because of my powers. If I stay away from the land too long I get sick."
"Fear of flying is aviophobia," Jamie said. "Anybody else have some odd ones?"
"Ablutophobia is the fear of bathing," Ray said. "Which I admit I kind of had when my powers first manifested."
"Why would you be afraid of bathing?" Scott asked.
"Hello? Water? Electricity? Not a good mix," Ray gave him a look. "Or very healthy. Especially for my high school gym class in the locker room if you get my drift."
"Oh right…" Scott nodded.
"I got better once my powers were under control!" Ray said. "I'm not Toad you know?"
"Hey!" Todd popped his head out of a bush. "I resemble that remark!"
"Way to go Toad," Pietro said as he came out with Lance, Fred and Pyro. "So much for stealth."
"Well this is just a perfect touch to a perfect day…" Scott growled.
"For your information I do not have a fear of water or bathing," Todd snapped. "It's soap I have problems with because it chafes my skin!"
"And water doesn't do that much good combating Toad's smell anyway," Lance groaned. "Trust me on this one."
"What are you losers doing here?" Scott groaned.
"Well we were going to go for ice cream but then we heard Wolverine screaming and saw Kitty driving on the road ahead," Lance indicated the road with his thumb. "So we decided to get off the streets while we could and…"
"I get you…" Rogue said. "Say no more."
"So you decided to spy on us?" Kurt asked.
"Huh?" Todd blinked.
"Uh yeah, spy. That's the plan," Pietro said quickly.
"Do I really want to know what you losers were really doing?" Rogue groaned.
"I plead the fifth," Lance said.
"We couldn't help but overhear your conversation about fears," Pietro preened. "I of course have no fear."
"Please! You make Toad look like that guy who stood in front of that tank in Tiananmen Square," Pyro scoffed.
"Yeah!" Todd nodded. "Wait…what?"
"I am not scared of anything!" Pietro said.
"Except of course growing old, being slow, thunderstorms, bees, insects, really big hairy spiders, Mystique, your father, your sister, getting zits, beavers," Pyro counted on his fingers.
"Losing your legs, losing your looks, that really old cat down the street," Todd added. "You know the one with the cross eyes?"
"Wait are you talking about the cat that also has that kink in its tail and always looks like it's watching you?" Bobby said.
"That's the one!" Todd said.
"Well to be fair that cat is really creepy looking," Bobby shuddered. "It's like it knows what you're thinking."
"Not this again…Bobby there is no such thing as a telepathic cat!" Rogue snapped.
"How do you know that? It could happen!" Bobby said.
"No it couldn't! Bobby…Wait did Pyro just say beavers?" Scott blinked. "You're kidding right? You're afraid of beavers?"
"Have you ever seen a beaver up close?" Pietro snapped. "Their teeth are strong enough to chew your legs off! And they're rodents! Which means they're basically very big, very strong rats that can swim!"
"What's the fear of beavers?" Kurt asked.
"And if you look into their beady little eyes it's like they want to chew you up!" Pietro imitated beaver teeth with his fingers. "They look right at you with this look that seems to say…I want to eat you up! I want to chew through your legs! I'm tired of eating wood! I want to eat human flesh! Yum!"
"Droferanophobia," Jamie told Kurt. "According to this that's the fear of beavers."
"And what sane person isn't scared of Mystique and my family?" Pietro snapped. "Especially my sister! I mean come on!"
"He's also scared of birds," Todd added.
"I am not scared of birds," Pietro bristled. "I just don't like it when they poop on me! You know bird poop carries a lot of diseases you know?"
"That's just what I said!" Bobby said.
"No, you were scared of the robin pecking your face off," Ray said.
"I was not!" Bobby snapped. "I didn't want it to poop on me!"
"Robins? Robins aren't half as worrisome as crows," Pietro said. "Think about it. Robins only eat seeds and a couple of bugs. Crows eat everything! Dead animals, garbage, eyeballs…"
"And seagulls! Seagulls eat all kinds of trash and who knows what diseases they pick up?" Bobby shouted.
"Exactly!" Pietro said.
"I wonder what the fear of bird poop is?" Jamie looked at the list.
"Why do I have the feeling this conversation is going to be continued at dinner time?" Scott groaned.
"Well according to this bacteriophobia is the fear of bacteria," Jamie looked at the list with Bobby and Pietro. "And scatophobia is the fear of feces but that's not specific enough."
"I know I lost my appetite," Rogue groaned.
"Alektorphobia is the fear of chickens," Bobby looked at the list. "Who is scared of chickens? Seriously?"
"Well that depends," Fred said. "Are we talking one chicken or a huge flock of them? Because if there's a flock of more than thirty I can kind of understand that. I used to work at a chicken farm when I was a kid. Trust me on this; you do not want to be on the wrong end of an angry chicken swarm."
"I see…" Scott blinked.
"That can be pretty painful, believe it," Fred went on. "Especially when they go for your eyes and your crotch. Watch out."
"We get the picture, Blob…" Lance rolled his eyes. "Blob I have to ask…Were you ever attacked by chickens?"
"Not really. They always ran away whenever I showed up," Fred nodded. "I became real valuable on that farm."
"Is this the same chicken farm that went out of business after you had a few midnight snacks?" Pietro asked.
"Okay first of all, it wasn't just me!" Fred snapped. "A lot of other people were taking their work home for dinner too! And that farm was mismanaged from day one! I mean who puts a mini merry go round inside a chicken coup so the chickens could ride in it? And making that thing speed up so half the chicken's feathers flew off? That just wasn't right! Don't get me started on all the messes I had to clean up because of that stupid thing. Broken eggs everywhere…All on the walls and the ceiling…"
"Blob…Is that one of the reasons those chickens were so angry at that farm?" Rogue asked.
"That and the deep fryer I got one Christmas," Fred nodded.
"What else is on that list Jamie?" Scott asked, desperate to change the subject.
"Here's a funny one," Jamie said. "Consecotaleophobia, the fear of chopsticks."
"My cousin Ernie had that," Fred spoke up. "Oh he hated those things. Especially since he nearly choked to death on them a couple of times."
"Really?" Scott sighed.
"It was odd because he never ate Chinese food," Fred said. "But he would use those chopsticks at the annual Possum Eating Contest. Don't know why. He always said that they made him eat faster. And yet every year he would come in second place to my Aunt Ralph."
"Oh no…Not another Aunt Ralph story…" Rogue shuddered.
"Aunt Ralph?" Bobby blinked.
"Blob has a lot of…colorful relatives," Lance explained.
"Let's just say there are a lot of freaks in that family," Pyro said. "And not all of them were mutants."
"Big talk coming from someone whose parents were drug dealers and edible lingerie salesmen," Fred gave him a look.
"Technically the lingerie wasn't really edible," Pyro said. "My parents took so much drugs sometimes they just ate it. For some reason my father really liked the taste of corsets. Except of course those in his personal collection. You know the ones he liked to wear for special occasions like the Fireman's Ball and the Bait Salesmen fashion shows."
"And there's another piece of the puzzle that I really didn't want to know about," Scott winced.
"Somebody please change the subject fast before my will to live is completely gone?" Rogue moaned.
"Hey here are some good ones," Todd pointed to the list. "Bufonophobia is a fear of toads and blennophobia is a fear of slime!"
"My Uncle Ben would really not like Toad," Fred snickered. "But my Aunt Sadie would really love him. Did I tell you about the time she ran off with some guy in a frog costume?"
"Too many times!" Rogue snapped.
"This is the real reason you left the Brotherhood isn't it?" Kurt asked Rogue.
"Pretty much," Rogue said. "I could have gotten over Mystique's betrayal if I didn't hear stores every night about how Blob's Cousin Mark kept betraying his wife with his boyfriend Chuck and his car Lorene."
"It was Lorene that really drove Mark's wife Mindy over the edge," Fred spoke up. "Actually both Chuck and Mindy got mad at Mark because he spent more time with that car than the two of them. It was the scene Mark made at a car show that got them so mad they killed Mark, stuffed his body in the Lorene's trunk and shoved the car off a cliff."
"Oh lord…" Scott winced.
"That really made them bond and become best friends," Fred said. "Last I heard Mindy and Chuck went into business together and opened up an erotic bakery in Mexico."
"You are making this up!" Amara snapped.
"No he's not," Lance sighed. "Trust us. We've seen the postcards."
"Including the one from their trip to Tijuana," Rogue winced. "Don't ask."
"I wonder if Kitty's back yet and wants to go for another drive?" Scott looked behind him.
"Here's a funny one! Phobophobia! The fear of phobias!" Todd chuckled.
"That's a dumb one," Pietro said. "How does anyone develop a fear of phobias?"
"I'm starting to get a good idea," Rogue groaned.
"Here's a weird one…" Jamie said. "Arachibutyrophobia is…."
"The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth," Fred finished. "I know that one. My cousin Bubba Luanne had that. Her husband and brother in law started up their own peanut butter and bean paste processing plant. Didn't work out that well. Especially when Bubba Luanne's husband accidentally knocked her into a vat of recently processed peanut butter and pickle mix."
"Peanut butter and….?" Scott said. "No…I am not going to ask!"
"Is there a fear of listening to Blob's stories in there?" Kurt asked. "Because if there isn't I got a great one! Bloboblabaphobia!"
"Why are we not just beating the crap out of them?" Rogue asked. "Seriously, it's not like we don't have a good reason to!"
"Hey! That's not nice! Especially since we ain't done anything!" Todd bristled.
"WHO PAINTED SMILELY FACES ALL OVER MY MOTORCYCLE?" Logan was heard yelling. "AND WHY IS THE GARAGE FILLED WITH WHIPPED CREAM?"
The X-Men looked at the Brotherhood. "Circumstantial evidence," Todd said nervously. "Anybody could have done that."
"WHO BURNED ALL THE TIRES? AND IS THAT SLIME ON THE WALLS?" Logan yelled. "WHERE ARE YOU YA LITTLE PUNKS? I KNOW YOU BROTHERHOOD MORONS ARE HERE SOMEWHERE!"
"Uh oh…" Todd gulped.
"Oh I have a question. What is the fear of sharp pointy things?" Pyro asked. "You know like Wolverine's claws?"
"Aichrophobia," Jamie said.
"That's the one!" Pyro said as the Brotherhood ran off. "See ya!"
"You know what I'm really afraid of?" Scott sighed. "That one day those morons will figure out how to use Blob's stories to win battles. If they ever do we're all dead."