The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone off to brunch. This is just an idea I had kicking around in my brain for a long time now. I get rid of one character and introduce another. Takes place after Cobra Commander changes back from a snake into a man and turns Serpentor into a snake. What happens next is…
The Undignified Demise of Serpentor I
"To say things are not going well with Cobra is an understatement," Destro grumbled to the Baroness as they entered the new base. "Not only was our last attempt to rule the world a colossal failure, but we lost our Emperor and gained Cobra Commander."
"Who would have thought that maniac would find a way to return to human form after becoming a snake?" The Baroness sighed. "And then he would find a way to turn Serpentor into a lizard! Insanity!"
"You took the words…" Xamot began as he and his brother met up with them.
"Right out of our mouths," Tomax finished. "It's like we're right back where we started over two years ago."
"Definitely a crisis in leadership," Xamot nodded.
"Hopefully it won't be a long one," The Baroness sighed. "If Mindbender can restore Serpentor to his human form he can regain control of Cobra."
"Wait, how can Mindbender restore Serpentor…?" Xamot began.
"If Serpentor ran into the jungle at our last base?" Tomax asked. "Didn't he run off?"
"He did but that Dreadnok caught him," The Baroness explained. "And now Mindbender is hiding him Serpentor in his labs."
"I had to pay off that loathsome Dreadnok Gnawgahyde ten thousand dollars for him but it will be worth it if Mindbender can discover a way to restore Serpentor to his original form," Destro sighed. "Personally I'm not in any rush for him to be restored. His lack of patience and domineering attitude was growing rather tiresome. It will be a nice break to not hear him scream for a while."
"Yes, he's not exactly one of Mindbender's best creations isn't he?" The Baroness sighed. "I've met two year olds with more patience than him."
"You realize that is your emperor you are talking about?" Xamot raised an eyebrow.
"Such talk could be deemed as treasonous," Tomax agreed.
"Oh what are you going to do?" The Baroness was annoyed. "Tell Serpentor as you feed him some crickets?"
"We're just saying that when or if Serpentor returns…" Xamot began.
"He might want to know exactly what his staff thinks of him," Tomax began.
"You don't think he'd be a lot more interested in that fifty thousand dollars missing from his personal accounts?" Destro said calmly. "And where that money went? Along with the knowledge that Crimson Guard Headquarters just got a new squash court complete with a mini bar?"
"Then again…" Tomax gulped.
"A little idle gossip is quite harmless," Xamot finished.
"I thought you would see it like that," Destro smirked.
"Personally I don't care who's in charge as long as I get paid," Zartan emerged from the shadows.
"Of course you wouldn't," Destro gave the mercenary a look.
"Are you really going to give me a lecture on loyalty?" Zartan scoffed. "Don't you think that's a bit hypocritical coming from you, a man who switches sides faster than a waffle maker? At least I'm honest about why I change sides. And it's only for financial reasons. Not stupid 'for the good of Cobra' ones!"
"You'd sell us all out to the Joes if they ever paid you for it!" Destro snapped.
"They wouldn't have to pay that much to sell you out," Zartan smirked.
"Why you disgusting…" Destro hissed.
"Destro! Baroness! We have a problem!" Dr. Mindbender ran up to them. "Serpentor is…" He stopped when he saw Zartan.
"Serpentor is what?" Zartan mocked. "Playing tennis? Gone waterskiing? Competing in the Miss America Pageant? Tell us Mindbender."
"All right," The Baroness sighed. "How much do we have to pay you to not rat us out to Cobra Commander?"
"Well let's see…" Zartan made a show of thinking. "There's my usual flat rate coupled with my loyalty tax. Plus there's also my confidentiality clause amount coupled with…"
"Just pick a number," Destro said exasperated.
"Well since you asked so nicely," Zartan smirked. "One million dollars."
"A million! That's highway robbery you…" Destro fumed.
"Destro…Remember your temper," Xamot advised.
"I am not paying a million dollars to this arrogant thug!" Destro snapped.
"Fine! We'll all chip in!" The Baroness rolled her eyes. "Cheapskate!"
"We'll deposit the money in your account…" Tomax began.
"At the end of the day…" Xamot added.
"Normally I would insist on cash but since this is a special occasion, I accept your terms," Zartan smirked. "Now Mindbender you can safely tell us all about Serpentor whereabouts without any fear of reprisals."
"I wish I could…" Mindbender groaned. "If I knew where he was…"
"What do you mean…?" Tomax began.
"If you knew where he was?" Xamot asked.
"As in you don't know where he is now?" The Twins asked at the same time.
"How could you lose Serpentor?" The Baroness shouted.
"I didn't lose him exactly," Mindbender protested. "I know I put him in a terrarium but I might not have locked it properly. Serpentor isn't really lost. He's just…misplaced."
"Misplaced? Mindbender you misplace your car keys! Not your emperor!" Destro snapped.
"What do you care Destro? You were getting tired of him bossing you around anyway?" Zartan scoffed.
"That's not the point you…" Destro was about to insult the chameleon like mercenary when something interrupted him.
That something was Cobra Commander humming. He was wearing his cowl instead of his usual mask. "Good morning staff! Isn't it a glorious day for Cobra?"
"I take that to be a rhetorical question Cobra Commander?" Destro groaned.
"Oh Destro. You can't let one tiny little setback get you down," Cobra Commander said in an uncharacteristically cheerful tone. "I think of every failure as a lesson from which to learn and grow."
"Since when?" Zartan asked.
"Okay everything is all unpacked," Zarana said as she walked in with her brother Zandar and most of the Dreadnoks, including a new member.
"Charming. Wait…Aren't you missing some of your team?" Destro looked over the Dreadnoks.
"Yes, where is that new one?" The Baroness said. "And who is that?"
"We left Gnawgahyde back at the old base to tie up some loose ends," Zarana said and pointed to a very large muscular black leather clad man with a pink and white Mohawk on his bald head. "Let's just say he's not going to be a permanent addition to our team unlike Road Pig here."
"Wait another Dreadnok?" Cobra Commander did a double take.
"Great. As if there weren't enough of them," Destro winced. "Do I want to know why you replaced Gnawgahyde with…your newest recruit?"
"For one thing he smells better," Zarana rolled her eyes.
"Yeah even we were complaining about his lack of hygiene," Ripper agreed.
"He was disgusting even for our standards," Torch added.
"That is an achievement," Destro said. "Please do not tell us what he did to offend your delicate sensibilities."
"Let's just say he made a real big mess in some of our vehicles," Zandar groaned. "Our mistake. We really thought he was housebroken."
"And there goes a little more of my will to live," Destro winced. "So I take it this gentleman and I use the word liberally is a step up from your last recruit?"
"It might surprise you Destro but there are some mercenaries out there that can use words with more than one syllable and read more stimulating novels than comic books," Road Pig spoke in a very cultured voice. "Although I admit I am not a Rhodes Scholar, I am quite well versed in a great many of the arts as well as several martial arts and weapons. Donald DeLuca, from Goblu Michigan at your service."
"I must say I'm surprised," Destro was taken back as Road Pig politely shook hands with him. "This is definitely a change from your current roster. I'm surprised that a man with your intelligence would be readily accepted by the Dreadnoks."
"W-Well that's mostly because he's with m-me!" Road Pig spoke in a different voice. "Hey there! I'm Road Pig! Glad t-to meet ya!" He went to shake hands with everyone. They stood there in stunned silence.
"You're pulling my leg right?" Cobra Commander blinked.
"Oh now this all makes sense," Destro groaned. "Now I see how the puzzle fits together."
"Look there's two of them in one body. Just go with it," Zarana sighed. "Donald is the brains. Road Pig is the brawn."
"And when they're not fighting each other for donuts or what to watch on TV, they are surprisingly effective," Zartan admitted.
"Where the hell's the other one? Thrasher?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Who bloody cares?" Monkeywrench snorted.
"I sent him out on an errand," Zartan explained.
"We like Road Pig and Donald better," Torch said. "Even Donald isn't as stuck up as that wanker!"
"What'd he do? Buy you all a beer?" Destro asked.
"How did you guess?" Donald spoke through Road Pig.
"I simply used my powers of deduction," Destro remarked.
"Fine, since we're all here then that saves me the trouble of calling you all together for a staff meeting," Cobra Commander said.
"Uh actually Cobra Commander I was just going to check up on my latest experiment…" Mindbender looked for an excuse. "Very important that I go back to my labs and…"
"And check on Serpentor?" Cobra Commander folded his arms.
"What? What are you saying Cobra Commander?" Mindbender coughed nervously. "You know that I am…"
"Oh save it Mindbender! Gnawgahyde ratted you out for fifteen thousand bucks," Cobra Commander hissed. "I know you have him stashed in your labs."
"Not anymore," Mindbender admitted. "Serpentor kind of…Got out."
"Mindbender!" The Baroness snapped.
"Oh like he wasn't going to figure that out eventually!" Mindbender pointed to Cobra Commander. "I know I locked that terrarium securely! I don't know how he got out! I…"
"Oh relax Mindbender," Cobra Commander waved. "I'm sure he'll turn up eventually. Come let's all go into the dining room shall we?"
"Since when does this base have a dining room?" Zartan blinked.
"I've set up a nice brunch in the dining room down the hall," Cobra Commander said. "Come now, let's all go eat and have a nice meal shall we?"
"All right! Grub! Now that's what I'm talking about!" Ripper said excitedly.
"Could go for a bit of tucker," Monkeywrench said. "Lead the way Commander!"
"Is it me or is Cobra Commander taking the news of Serpentor's disappearance rather calmly?" The Baroness whispered as the group went to the dining hall.
"Too calmly…" Destro frowned. "He's up to something."
"Maybe he's going to poison us all?" Torch suggested. "Like that Lucy Borgia dame Donald was telling us all about."
"While I do know the Commander is quite devious, I highly doubt that even he would murder us all at the same time with poison," Mindbender scoffed. "I think…"
"Let's just say it's a good thing I have some poison antidote pills hidden in my belt," The Baroness winced.
"How many do you have?" Xamot asked.
It wasn't long before the Cobras were in a large room at a huge table filled with a lot of breakfast foods. Servants came and placed squares of something warm that looked like a large quiche in front of them. "Go on! Eat!" Cobra Commander said.
No one did. Except for the Dreadnoks. The rest of the staff just stared at the food on the plate. Cobra Commander ate some food under his cowl. "Destro you're not eating. Go ahead, take a bite," Cobra Commander said.
"Uh…Would you believe me if I told you that I told you I just went on a diet?" Destro asked as he looked at his food.
"Destro I understand your misgivings but really, think about it," Cobra Commander said. "If I really wanted the lot of you all dead would I really go through all the trouble of simply baking a breakfast casserole to kill you? All I have to do is give my troops an order or simply attach a bomb to one of your tanks or something."
"You made a breakfast casserole?" Destro blinked. "As in you actually went into a kitchen and cooked a meal by yourself?"
"Oh crap, he is going to poison us!" Zartan winced.
"I am not!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Look!"
Cobra Commander pointed to the Dreadnoks eating happily. "See! Your Dreadnoks are still alive! And trust me if I wanted any of you dead, they would be the first to go!"
"He does have a point," Destro admitted. He tentatively took a bite of his meal. "I must admit…It tastes…passable."
"What do you mean passable? It's pretty good!" Torch grunted as he ate his with gusto.
"Not bad," The Twins said as they ate their food along with everyone else at the table.
"It is rather tasty," The Baroness ate hers. "I'm surprised Commander. Did you actually make this yourself?"
"I did. You see Baroness I am a man of many talents. And one of them is that I am a quite accomplished chef," Cobra Commander said proudly. "Admittedly I don't get a chance to use my culinary talents often. Especially these past several months when I didn't have any hands…"
"Here we go…" Mindbender muttered under his breath as he ate.
Surprisingly Cobra Commander didn't say anything for a few minutes. The group ate in relative silence. "What do you think his angle is?" Zarana whispered to Zartan.
"Knowing Cobra Commander, nothing good…" Zartan grumbled.
"My fellow Cobras," Cobra Commander stood up. "I'd like to thank you for coming together. Today is a new beginning for our organization. A day when we all finally put aside the petty disagreements and little squabbles we've had for the past two and a half years. Today we put all that aside and forget about who was right and who was wrong and focus on making Cobra even greater. Although to be fair most of it was all your fault but that's beside the point."
"So magnanimous in victory…" Destro muttered under his breath.
"Actually if you think about it, the entire Serpentor debacle was all your fault. I mean you are the ones who replaced me with an incompetent spoiled genetic mistake who had the patience of a hyperactive two year old in a candy store," Cobra Commander remarked. "And who basically made my life a living hell for the past two years, six months, five days and twenty something hours. But who's keeping track? The point is…I won. Serpentor is no longer in charge of Cobra. I am once again in charge of Cobra!"
"This is something to celebrate?" Xamot muttered to his twin.
"Now I don't want to brag but I like to compare my epic battle with Serpentor as the fight between Old Coke and New Coke…" Cobra Commander said. "Who are we kidding? New Coke was complete and total flop! And by New Coke I mean Serpentor!"
"Is this entire meal going to be about you gloating about your return to power?" Destro asked.
"No, I'm actually going to eat too," Cobra Commander admitted as he sat back down. He took a bite of casserole under his cowl. "And the taste of victory is so delicious."
"You do realize there is a chance that Serpentor can restore himself to his human form and will be back to challenge your leadership?" Destro reminded Cobra Commander. "I mean if you found a way…"
"I wouldn't worry too much about that," Cobra Commander smirked under his cowl. "I believe this time Serpentor is gone for good. Well mostly gone."
"Mostly gone? What did you do?" Destro gave him a look.
"What?" Cobra Commander said innocently.
"You took Serpentor didn't you?" Mindbender gasped. "You took him from my lab last night didn't you?"
"Who me?" Cobra Commander said in a mock tone of innocence. "Why would I do something like that?"
"Cut the crap, Commander," The Baroness snapped. "What did you do to Serpentor? Where is he?"
"Oh he's…close by," Cobra Commander remarked as he took another bite of his meal.
"What do you mean by 'close by'?" Zartan asked.
"Closer than you think," Cobra Commander said.
"Listen Commander, Serpentor may be a lizard now but he is still the emperor of Cobra!" Mindbender said.
"He's right. If anything happens…" Xamot said.
"All of Cobra's soldiers will rise up against you!" Tomax said firmly.
"Oh please! They don't care who's in charge as long as they get paid and the refrigerators in the employee lounges are filled with beer," Cobra Commander waved.
"He's got a point," Monkeywrench said between bites.
"It was some of those same 'loyal' Cobra soldiers that restored me!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Besides I just promised the enlisted men a pay raise and restocked the refrigerators so don't count on them to help you find Serpentor."
"That won't stop all of our men," Xamot huffed.
"And I just installed a new cappuccino machine in the Crimson Guard lounge," Cobra Commander added. "Along with a flavored syrup bar."
"That would stop the rest of our men," Tomax groaned.
"Trust me. Serpentor was not half as popular with the enlisted men as you think he was," Cobra Commander waved.
"Was? As in he's dead?" The Baroness asked.
"I never said that," Cobra Commander pointed out.
"So he's alive?" Zartan asked.
"I didn't say that either," Cobra Commander said.
"Well which is it?" Zarana asked. "Dead or alive?"
"Yeah there aren't exactly that many choices left," Torch agreed.
"Can't we just have a nice meal?" Cobra Commander asked. "Is it so much to ask that my staff agree to put aside our past differences and simply sit down to a meal without accusations or criticisms?"
"I'm guessing by that statement you haven't completely gotten your memory back or something," Torch gave him a look. "Because that's the only reason you would ask a question like that after all these years with this group."
"My God, Torch actually made a halfway decent quip," Destro blinked. "It's the end of the world as we know it."
"Not to mention surprisingly accurate," The Baroness admitted.
"As much as we hate to admit it…" Xamot began.
"The Commander does have a point," Tomax said.
"Like it or not he is our leader again," Xamot said.
"We need to show him some respect and try to make this work," Tomax said.
"And make Cobra a more efficient and harmonious organization," The Twins said at the same time.
"And the award for Fastest Ass Kissing goes to…" Buzzer remarked. Followed by several kissing sounds he made. The Dreadnoks all chuckled at this.
"Big words coming from a mercenary…" Tomax bristled.
"Who follows anyone who throws him a free donut!" Xamot finished.
"Hey! I'm a Dreadnok! I do not just follow anyone who gives me a free donut!" Buzzer snapped.
"Yeah! Our price is a wad of cash and a dozen free donuts!" Ripper agreed.
"And at least we don't finish each other's sentences!" Road Pig using his Donald voice snapped. Then he went to Road Pig. "Y-Yeah! We have our own brains instead of s-sharing one! W-Well most of us do."
"They got a condition! They don't count!" Buzzer pointed to Road Pig.
"Or add, or write or read…" Xamot mocked.
"You making fun of me, circus freak?" Road Pig stood up.
"Who are you calling a freak, you clown?" Tomax snarled as he and his brother stood up.
"Clown? I oughta…" Road Pig made a fist.
"SILENCE! ALL OF YOU! SIT DOWN!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I will not have my victory brunch ruined by your squabbling!"
"He started it," Road Pig muttered in Donald's voice. Then he went to Road Pig. "Y-yeah. They S-st-started it."
"No we, did-did not!" Tomax mocked.
"Are you making fun of my friend's condition?" Road Pig snapped.
"We're making fun of both of you period!" Xamot said.
"Oh yeah…" Road Pig started to get up.
"ZARTAN! Restrain him! And you two shut your pie holes!" Cobra Commander snapped as he pointed at the Twins.
"Let it go boys," Zarana put her hand on Road Pig's arm. "Those two wankers ain't worth it."
"Very well, for you lady Zarana we shall practice restraint," Donald spoke as he sat down. Then he went to Road Pig. "Y-yeah Zarana. We'll d-do anything you say and don't start n-nothin'! But those two better watch their backs later!"
"Oh this is gonna be good," Ripper grinned.
"Can't wait to see those four get into it," Torch nodded in agreement.
"When is this going to be over?" Destro groaned.
"You mean brunch?" The Baroness asked.
"I meant this stupid nightmare called my life!" Destro groaned.
"Just please everyone get back to eating," Cobra Commander groaned. "Just once I'd like a nice meal without a fist fight or a shootout occurring. Is that too much to ask?"
"You gotta admit this grub is pretty good," Buzzer said as he ate. "Very well cooked indeed."
"And the taste of lizard meat in this is so delicate and flavorful!" Monkeywrench agreed.
"Lizard meat?" Destro did a double take at the piece of food on his fork.
"This is good grub, Commander!" Ripper said. "Ooh! Hold on…I got a scale in my teeth."
"Yeah the descaling I had a little trouble with," Cobra Commander admitted. "You would think iguana skin would be easier to get off but…"
"Did you say iguana skin?" Mindbender choked.
"Iguana? There's an…" Tomax gasped.
"Iguana in this?" Xamot gasped. "Wait, wasn't Serpentor…?"
"Turned into…?" Tomax finished. They looked at their plates.
"Oh cripes…" Zarana felt a little queasy.
"You didn't…" Destro gagged.
"I did," Cobra Commander beamed. He took another bite of the casserole under his hood. "You know, Serpentor may have been a terrible emperor. But he's a very good first meal of the day."
"Oh crap…" Zartan groaned. "I'm not getting paid am I?"
"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Destro yelled.
"I think I am going to be violently ill…" Xamot winced as he pushed his plate away.
"Wait are you saying Serpentor is in this stuff?" Ripper asked.
"Nice for you to catch up to the rest of the class, Ripper! YES! Cobra Commander killed Serpentor and put him in a breakfast casserole!" Mindbender shouted.
"Oh well this is rather uncouth," Road Pig winced.
"I agree! Yuck!" Ripper winced. "Oh you crossed a line Commander!"
"We Dreadnoks may do a lot of rotten things, but I think even us like to draw the line at cannibalism!" Buzzer shouted.
"Technically it's not really cannibalism. Since Serpentor was a lizard and no longer any type of humanoid…" Cobra Commander shrugged. "Kind of like eating a very large very long pet goldfish that's outlived his usefulness."
"Oh well in that case," Torch went back to eating his meal.
"You're still eating that?" Monkeywrench shouted. "Dude that used to be a guy!"
"So? A lot of things we blew up and barbecued used to be guys," Torch gave him a look as he ate.
"Yeah but we didn't eat 'em after we burned 'em!" Ripper moaned. "I mean come on mate! Come on!"
"He wasn't a person anymore! It's okay to eat animals!" Torch said.
"So if you get turned into a pig it'd be okay to barbecue you?" Zarana snapped. "Oh wait, you're already a pig!"
"I feel so unholy…" Monkeywrench held his stomach. "Like we just broke one of the seven commandments."
"Okay in the first place Monkeywrench, its ten commandments," Destro raised his hand. "Second odds are you've probably broken them all already. And thirdly while murder is a definite negative on the list, cannibalism isn't."
"Really? You think that would be a given," Monkeywrench scratched his head.
"Why would you think there were only seven commandments?" Zartan asked.
"Well I thought they dropped a couple," Monkeywrench explained.
"No it's still ten," Zartan sighed. "Not that we follow those rules to the exact letter."
"It's not like I'm the only one still eating!" Torch pointed to Mindbender who was eating as well.
"Mindbender!" The Baroness yelled.
"What? It's not like this is the first creation I've made that I ended up eating," Mindbender shrugged. "It's not even the first creation I've eaten this week."
"Mindbender!" Destro yelled.
"I am not letting good food go to waste!" Mindbender said. "Oh I have a scale in my teeth."
"Excuse us," Xamot wobbly got to his feet along with his twin.
"We are going to go vomit in the hallway just now…" Tomax said. Both went into the hallway where familiar sick sounds were heard.
"Now who's uncouth?" Road Pig snorted.
"Commander why?" The Baroness yelled.
"Revenge mostly," Cobra Commander smirked under his cowl. "Not just on Serpentor but on all of you who stabbed me in the back! Just think of this as a little warning the next time you want to replace me! You might find yourselves replaced! Or replacing a main course. Whichever is easier."
"Know this! I am the one and only true leader of Cobra!" Cobra Commander stood up. "I hope you have all learned your lesson! Don't ever try to replace me again! This is the last I ever want to hear about that worthless loser Serpentor! Serpentor is dead! Long live Cobra Commander! He is gone! And will never, ever…Ever disrupt my life or my control of Cobra again! And that is the final word!"
RRRRRRUMMBBBLEEEEE!
The sound came from Cobra Commander's stomach. "Oh dear…" He blinked. "Uh excuse me…I have to go…the royal throne room and…Oh to hell with it!" He ran to a nearby bathroom.
"Sounds like Serpentor got in his final words after all," Destro winced. "Thanks to Cobra Commander I will never be able to eat a casserole of any kind ever again. At least not without a strong instinct to vomit."
"Could have been worse," Torch burped. "At least he didn't make Meatloaf."