LEAP DAY
I. Haremageddon
BREAKING NEWS:
New queen of Hueco Mundo has declared the 29th of February as a national holiday...for some reason. Breath smelled of alcohol and ice cream. Story at 11 following "Karakura's Finest Asses."
In most places, an extra day in the calendar doesn't amount to all that much. But this isn't about most places. Karakura Town is most definitely not most places. Every five years, the delicate spiritual balance holding Karakura Town together is fractured. When that happens, there is no predicting what may emerge from the tears formed by the fracturing. This year...is no exception.
In the middle of the town, between the buildings and streets and posters advertising "Macho Man Chady Savage vs. Hulk Kanongan: Match of the Millenium", a tear opens in the fabric of space and time. And what steps out...is beyond anything the people of this town have ever experienced.
A slim, gray figure steps out, and chews on a carrot, as people look on. He says one thing.
"Nyeeeh, what's up, doc?"
Suddenly, numerous gigantic creatures, furry and with large ears, hop out of the portal. Karakura Town was being besieged by an army of giant rabbits.
Soon, the town was overrun by the giant hares. A figure in a black cloak stood atop a building. "Foolish fools who do foolish things so foolishly! Now you will suffer at the hands of my furry minions! And then, you foolish fools will understand the power I've gained from my dimensionsal travels!" The figure took off their cloak. Rukia Kuchiki laughed evily as her furry minions overwhelmed the town.
Ichigo Kurosaki looked from his window. The doors had been bolted shut. "Why does all the weird shit have to happen here?!" he complained. "Now who the hell's gonna fix this mess?!"
Elsewhere, two people wearing bunny costumes stood in the street, the giant rabbits ignoring them. "See? Told ya my secret formula would work!" said the male. "Yeah, well, your 'secret formula' smells a LOT like pee! You couldn't even find something else that smells like rabbits? Preferably something less disgusting?!" said the female. "Well excuuuuuuuuuse me, princess! Maybe next time I'll just stuff a couple of the big-eared bastards down your bra, I'm sure they'll just love that!" "You are such an ass." "And you LOVE it!"
Suddenly, two smaller rabbitoids approached the bickering couple. The taller one was completely white, while the smaller one was brown, with a large blue "N" on his chest. "Wonder what these two clowns're up to, Quik." said the taller one. "Dunno, Trix. But they seem a bit...off. Hey, jokers, what's with all the hullaballoo?" The bickering couple stopped arguing. "Oh, uh, sorry about that. We, were, um..." began the male, before the female spoke up. "This doofus was trying to say that Lucky Charms are a more nutritious breakfast option than Trix! I've just been doing my civic duty in making him see the error of his ways." "You damn well better have!" said the Trix Bunny. "Why, I oughta beat some sense into you myse-"
The male bunny suit pulled out a shotgun and blasted a hole in the Trix Bunny. Cereal poured out of the hole. The bunny collapsed to his knees as the female bunny suit quickly pulled out a katana and decapatated the Trix Bunny, as more cereal sprayed out of the neck. "Trix! You bastards!" yelled the Quik Bunny. The male removed the head from his disguise, revealing a red mask. "Hey, Nelly, all this cereal is pretty sweet, but y'know what'd go great with it all?" The female removed her costume head, revealing green hair. "Oh, I know Wadey. A few cups of CHOCOLATE MILK." she said with a menacing grin on her face.
The Quik Bunny pulled out a hand-cannon armed with chocolate milk. "Ya want chocolate milk?! Come n' get it, ya murdering ********!" He fired at the mercenary and Arrancar, who easily dodged. Nel easily maneuvered around the blasts and cut the cannon in half before kneeing the bunny in the stomach. "Stupid *****! I'll serve ya with milk once I'm thru with you!" He motioned his hands towards a sewer hole, and out of the hole came a large volume of chocolate milk. He motioned it to attack Deadpool, and by the time the attack was finished, Deadpool was gone. He teleported in front of the Quik Bunny. "H-how'd you do that?!" demanded the bunny. "Simple really. You're just a rabbit..." He punched the bunny in the gut so hard that his "N" shattered into pieces. "...I AM A MAN!"
The two removed their bunny suits (Nel wearing a Virizion-style hoodie) and Deadpool held his gun to the bunny's face. "So, Hoppy-pardon me for assuming your name, although ya gotta admit there's a pretty good chance it's Hoppy-what's the plan?" "Up yours, *****. I ain't tellin' you squat." "Careful there, fluffybutt...Wade here's a gentle soul, but he can get nasty when he's angry." "Oh yeah, I can tell how gentle a soul he is by how he blasted a hole in a guy two minutes ago. Get bent." Deadpool sighed. "Hard way it is then." Deadpool pulled out one of his katanas. Screams of anguish could be heard. Deadpool stood holding the bunny's leg-naturally, chocolate milk poured out from the wounds. "Alright, hopster, ya wanna come clean or do we go for your straw?" "OH FER-ALRIGHT ALRIGHT, I'LL TALK! HER MAJESTY'S PLANNING ON SUMMONING SOME ANCIENT BEAST OR SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN, AND SHE WANTS TO MAKE SURE WE HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OVER THIS HELLHOLE FIRST! THERE, NOW GIMME BACK MY GODDAMN LEG!"
"There, see, was that so hard? Lesgo, Nelly." said Deadpool. The two started walking away. "Oh yeah, silly me! I almost forgot the part where I beat you to death!" Deadpool proceeded to viciously beat the Quik Bunny with his own leg, as chocolate milk sprayed everywhere. "Well, that's one way to get a healthy breakfast." said Nel. They walked away for real.
In the center of the city, Rukia was sitting on a throne, and was wearing a white Playboy Bunny costume. Giant rabbits hopped about. Ancient runes were on the ground. "Hmmmm...I can sense the life force of a few of our kind ebbing away...this cannot stand! CHILDREN! Go forth, find the murderous naives that slew your brothers, and feast on their broken corpses!" The legion of bunnies hopped away. "I'll not have any interruptions. None! O, Great One! As soon as you've revived, we may begin the process of cleansing this dirty world! Starting with these filthy humans!" Rukia proceeded to cackle menacingly.
II. Down the Rabbit Hole
Deadpool and Nel were in an alleyway, with Deadpool looking through his phone. "M'kay, that's two of the hoppy little furbags down. If anything else, we can make a killing in the 'lucky rabbit's foot' biz when this is all over." he said. "Ugggghhh." grumbled Nel. "Hey, people usually wait til the punchline to groan at what I'm saying. Actually, it's probably a LOT sooner than that. Sometimes even before I say anything...I'm gettin' off track, what're ya grovelling about?" "I'm hungry..." "We literally just had cereal AND milk! How're ya still hungry?!" "Don't yell at me, okay?! I'm hungry cuz I'm hungry ya big meanie!" She began to throw a fit as Deadpool tried desperately to calm her down.
After a while, they sat hugging. "I'm sorry Wadey." "I know, I know." "I get cranky when I'm hungry." "Yeah, yeah, I know. Look I'll buy ya somethin' and then we can go back to whacking the ears off these bunnies, deal?" "OK!" She suddenly sprung up, cheerfully. "I saw a McDonald's a few blocks down the road, better get a move on!" She began walking, humming to herself. "My God, she's like a little kid! Would it kill her to act her age?!" Deadpool said to himself. "Oh, sweet merciful IRONY!" said one of Deadpool's inner voices, which popped in as a yellow text box. "Where to even begin with that one?!" said the other, in a white text box. "Shut up." responded Deadpool. He grabbed the text boxes out of the air and, against their protesting, threw them in a nearby dumpster, and ran after Nel.
At the (surprisingly open) McDonald's, Lille Barro was enjoying a relatively calm first day at his new part-time job, all things considered. So confronted with the green-haired Arrancar and odd man in the red costume, the Quincy could only muster up five words: "May I take your order?"
"Hiya! I'll have the McRib with a large drink, pretty please!" said Nel cheerfully. "Very well, that'll be-" "Um, hold up, aren't you forgetting something?" "Pardon?" "Aren't you supposed to ask me if I wanted another McRib for a dollar more?" "Well, ma'am, in my honest opinion, having gotten a good look at you I don't think you need the extra McRib." "Mc-scuse me?!" She proceeded to punch the Quincy in the throat, knocking him to the floor.
Deadpool heard somebody approaching the building. "Jinkies, it's the hop-brigade! We gotta hide!" he said. "But what about my food?!" "FFS we'll eat after, just get behind the counter! I've got an idea!" They leapt behind the counter. Two rabbits hopped in: a small white rabbit wearing a red suit and tie, and a taller grey rabbit with a black suit, top hat and monocle. "Oh, to be forced to enter such an undignified establishment as this...how repulsive." complained the grey rabbit. Suddenly Deadpool rose up from the counter, unmasked (his face being unscarred) and wearing Lille's uniform. "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, may I take your order?" he asked. "Wrong restaurant, dummy!" whispered Nel.
"Yes, well, we have no intention of purchasing anything from this vile establishment." said the grey rabbit. "We are simply here because there are reports of ne'er-do-wells visiting here, and Her Majesty would like them dealt with." "Come now, Herriman, it doesn't appear they're here. We're going to be late for our prior engagement if we don't hurry." "Maybe they aren't here, maybe they are. And I'd prefer if this Van Wilder-looking fellow told us himself." "Gentlemen, please." began Deadpool. "Just look at my face, and not just because I'm gorgeous. Do I look like I'd hide something? I'm too Canadian for that...eh." "Canadians are natural-born liars." said Herriman. "...Is that a widely accepted thing now...?" whispered a confused Nel.
"Well, if you are indeed telling the truth, then obviously you wouldn't mind showing us your kitchen?" asked Herriman. "Oh, pfft, not at all. I'll give ya the grand tour, hell, I'll let ya know what we put in half this crap. Here's a hint: it's the souls of orphaned yanderes." As Deadpool led Herriman and the White Rabbit into the kitchen, Nel snuck close behind. "And here's where we fry the...well, fries." As Deadpool showed Herriman the fasscinating world of making processed food, Nel snuck behind the White Rabbit and drove her Zanpakuto through him, covering his mouth and dragging him away. "Alright, this conversation has been enlightening, but would you mind taking us through the-hang on, where is my companion?" Herriman spotted blood on the floor. Before he could react, Deadpool grabbed his head and shoved it into the frying grease, holding it for a few moments before ending the rabbit's misery via decapitation. Deadpool stood over the body. "You weren't really paying attention to my schpiel. And I was just getting to the fun part..."
Nel rose from her hiding place. "Ahhhh, that felt good! Can we get some food already, pwease?" "That's literally all you've thought about huh? Fine, let's-" Deadpool stopped. He looked down and saw the headless Herriman begin to twitch. "How the-" Numerous wire-like appendages burst from the neck area and grabbed the White Rabbit's body. The appendages pulled the bodies together. When it was over, Herriman's body rose up...now possessing the head of the White Rabbit. He cracked his head into place. His eyes glowed red. "Such a dire lack of manners. Now what should be done..." The composite rabbit picked up Herriman's top hat and put it on. "Ah, yes, but of course. The only available option. My sincerest apologies, but I'm afraid I must kill you both."
The composite rabbit reached into his mouth and pulled out a large broadsword. He swung madly at the two, who quickly leapt behind the other side of the counter. "You can run, cowards, but your deaths have been predestined!" yelled the rabbit. Deadpool peeked over the counter. "Yeah, well, keep thinking that, harebrain, cuz you've got no idea what we're gonna do to ya!" He ducked back. "What the hell are we gonna do?!" he whispered. "Can't we just shoot him?" asked Nel. "Oh, c'mon, since when has it ever been that easy to-" Nel grabbed one of Deadpool's pistols and nonchalantly emptied it into the rabbit, who slumped to the floor dead. Deadpool peeked back up. "...oh...well shit." he said.
"Welp, to the victor go the spoils!" said Nel cheerfully. She grabbed the rabbit's broadsword as Deadpool looked around the back. "Holy poop on a stick, wouldja look at this!" he yelled as he brought out a sniper rifle. "Looks like cashier-dick was holding out!" "Eh, I'm sure he won't mind if we borrow it. Or pawn it off." "A girl after my own mindset. Let's jack his wallet and grab as much grub as we can!" And so they did, walking out of the store with fast food and stolen property in-hand.
III. Insert Witty Chapter Title Here
"I can't believe the buses're still running with the rabbit crap goin' on!" exclaimed Deadpool to the bus station attendant. "Yeah, well, gotta make money somehow. So you want the express or the yokel?" "Um...don't you mean local?" "No, I mean the yokel. On that bus there's a country band that you can pay to play old-timey folk songs." "Do they take requests?!" "Nope." "Gimme two for the express."
A while later the pair stepped off the express bus into the opposite side of town. "Alright, now if my handy-dandy-thingamajigger is right, the center of this mess should be riiiight-holy shit, is that a movie mart?!" exclaimed Deadpool. "Um, shouldn't we be focusing on beating these rabbits now that we're here?" said Nel. "Sweetheart, we're not getting paid for this gig, so we've gotta get a return on this thing somehow, remember?" "Hmmm, guess I still have a lot to learn about this line of work." "Goodie goodie gumdrops, now I'll teach ya one of the finer aspects of the tights n' spandex life..." Deadpool proceeded to violently break down the door to the movie store. "...copious amounts of property damage!" "Isn't that rather counterproductive?" "No worries, all we gotta do is find some rabbits n' break one of their necks, and then no one'll give two shits about the property damage!" "If you say so."
The two began sifting through the movies. Deadpool stumbled upon one that made him gag. "Ugh, God, not this piece of anal waste!" he said. "Oh, come on, it has that Hugh Jackman fellow on the front, how bad can it be?" Deadpool was holding a copy of "X-Men Origins: Wolverine". "Lemme put it this way, this thing is so bad it proves that Jesus died in vain and changed his middle name to 'Fucking'. Now speaking of anal waste..." Deadpool proceeded to put the DVD in his pants and begin rubbing it before unceremoniously placing it back. "Was that really necessary?" asked Nel. "I dunno, was this really necessary?" Deadpool held up an action figure of the Deadpool from the "Origins" movie. "What in Hueco Mundo is that?" asked Nel. "The result of a reaaaally bad acid trip, least that's what I think." Deadpool pulled out his gun and shot the action figure. "Oops I killed him. Moving on." he said.
"Hunh, what's this now?" Nel said. "'Bleach: Fade to Black'...why's Ichigo on the front of this?" "More to the point...who's this Ichigo and where can I go to shove my boot up his daywalker ass?" asked Deadpool. "Oh, stop. He's just a friend. Who I may have glomped a few times." "Karakura Chainsaw Massacre it is then!" "Waitwaitwait, before you relentlessly murder somebody, shouldn't we at least see what this movie's about?" "But...but my chainsaw..." "Your chainsaw can wait." "But I wanna make violence!" "Movie now, or no violence." "*sigh* yes, mom..."
As they watched the movie, Nel's demeanor shifted: "OK, OK...so wait, who are those two?...wait, why is Kisuke wearing a captain's haori?...oh my God, will you stop repeating Ichigo's name over and over, not even Orihime says it this much...uggh at least it's almost through-oh, it's raining, of course it's bloody raining. WHY WOULDN'T IT BE?"
As the credits rolled, Nel sat in silence, her eyes shadowed, her anger reaching its breaking point. Suddenly, a grey rabbit with a moustache wearing a space pilot uniform popped up from behind the couch and yelled "DO A BARREL ROLL!" Nel impaled him with her sword, flung him over the couch, and proceeded to batter him with a barrage of punches before grabbing him by the ears and flinging him around. She held the battered Peppy up by the ears as the words "FINISH HIM!" appeared and pulled out a sacrificial dagger, carved a line into his chest, and thrusted her hand into the carving. She yanked out his heart and burst it over her head, bathing it in rabbit's blood, before letting the bunny's corpse fall to the ground. More words appeared: "Nel Wins. Flawless Victory. FATALITY."
Deadpool sat on the couch, curled into a ball. "Probably should've put the brown pants on today." he said.
Nel, breathing heavily, stared at Deadpool, her face covered in the dead rabbit's blood. "...I gotta tell ya, Nelly...I'm gettin' a little excited here. I mean, we can just ignore it and move on or-" "SHUT UP AND PUT YOUR MOUTH IN MY MOUTH." She lunged onto Deadpool and...well I don't have to explain what happens next, do I?
Hours later, Deadpool, without his costume, sat on the floor as Nel slept on the couch. Deadpool looked up, and saw what appeared to be a man in a dark, sinister-looking bunny suit standing before him. He reached for his gun. "Put the gun down, Wilson. It'll do you no good." "How the hell do ya know me?" "Unimportant, as is how I entered here without your noticing." "You...you're not even a real rabbit. What's with the dumb bunny suit?" "What's with your dumb man suit?" Deadpool was silent. "Wilson...do you believe in the concept of miracles?" "The hell's that got to do with-" "Like how it's a miracle you're still alive after contracting terminal cancer? Or how about how you found someone to fix that damaged face? Or more significantly, how a woman who once stated that she detested mindless violence still finds you charming enough to stick around?" "Who the fuck are you?"
"My name is Frank, Wilson. And I'm here to help you with another miracle. You two escaping alive. Although...you may not enjoy the options."
IV. Making Clever Chapter Titles is Hard, OK
"You're here to help me, huh? 'Frank'? Seriously, 'FRANK'? That's the best name you could come up with?" asked Deadpool. "Don't start with-" "Who's the most evilest mastermind you can think of, hm? DARTH VADER! DOCTOR DOOM! FRANK THE FLOPPY-EARED ASSHAT!" "Shut up." "God, just look at yourself, man, you look like Peppy over there fucked an old shaggy carpet, and not even good fucking, I mean hate-fucking, like they regretted every goddamn second of it-" Frank placed his hand on Deadpool's forehead as the scenery began to change.
Frank transported them to Rukia's throne area. "Wilson...do you see what's happening here?" "Yeah, one of Hugh Hefner's Asian extras got out and she's trying to summon Bunny-Cthulhu, what else could it be?" "Imbecile! This is the one who is destroying Karakura at this very moment. And the 'Bunny-Cthulhu' you speak of is an ancient entity that will help her finish the job-and expand it to the rest of the Earth." "M'kay, so why're you showing me this? Trying to be all spooky and foreboding n' shit?" "Listen to me for one second, Wilson. For your life and the life of the green-haired one are at stake, here. Let's continue, shall we?" Frank teleported the two of them away.
Frank teleported them to a laboratory. "Wade...does this place seem familiar to you?" Deadpool stood in silence as thoughts raced in his head-being repeatedly tortured, beaten, and subjected to numerous experiments, before witnessing his own escape from the facility. "Why'd you bring me back to this hellhole? What exactly about my last stay here made you think I wanted to come back?" "I thought a little familiarity might help with what I had to show. Look at your reflection, Wade." Deadpool looked, and saw staring back at him his scarred visage. Angrily, he pulled out a gun and shot the glass, shattering it. "So is there a point to all this, or are you trying your damndest to piss me off?" "A shocking image, to be certain. Most would call it ugly. But..." "But what?" "But while that horrific visage has been amended...can the same be said of the inside? My point, Wilson...is that I want to see if your inner ugliness has also been amended."
Frank teleported the two back to the movie store. Nel groggily awoke. "Hrrrmm...Wade? What's going-who's the dipstick?" "Wade. I'm going to give you an out. This world is doomed. And if you genuinely care for this woman's life then you will both take my offer. But if you are as inwardly ugly as you were on the outside, then-" "Now just shut your overblown, profound mouth up, 'Frank'. Y'know what, no, let's not even pretend anymore. Why would one of these little bunny bastards be helping me out, anywho? Every one of you freaks has tried cutting my ass in half the moment you saw me. So what's in it for you, 'Frank'? Or should I say..." Deadpool forcefully took off Frank's mask-revealing a white-haired man with a scar over his eye. "...Cable."
Cable looked around awkwardly. "...OK, what gave it away?" "Dude, the teleporting and psychic suggestion stuff is trademark you. Also, I've watched Donnie Darko, like, 26 times. Your Frank impression sucks." "Really?" Nel nodded her head. "It kinda does." she said. "OK, well, that aside-um, hi ma'am, I'm a friend of Wade's." "I gathered that much." "Dude what the funken wagnell are you doing here? In a freaking bunny suit, no less?" asked Deadpool. "Well, er, I heard you were in this universe and wanted to scout out what was going on. The Frank thing was the perfect disguise." "Not the word I'd use." whispered Nel.
"So what's the deal, Nate? Wanted to hang out with me and felt a mind-fuck in a bunny suit was the best method?" "Wade, just hold on a second. As overtly profound-and apparently poorly imitated-as that showing was, my message is the same. I have time travel tech. I've seen what kind of power she's planning on summoning. And I'm telling you that you have no chance here. If you're not the heartless lunatic people think you are, you'll come with me." "Easy for you to say, Mr. Time Travel." said Nel. "And do you plan on bringing other people, or will you leave them to die?" "Well..." "The fuck's wrong with you, Nate? Mr. Freedom Fighter from the Future suddenly thinks that staying and fighting's pointless. This thing scare you that badly, Nate?" "...so you're not listening to me, as usual, eh Wade? You're making the worst kind of mistake here. You're going to die." "Technically speaking I'm kind of a ghost, so in a way I'm already dead." said Nel. "And you know me, Nate. I can't die. I just keep springing back up like a damn cockroach. Whatever the hell this thing is, we'll make rabbit stew out of it." Cable stood in silence for a moment. "...stubborn bastard. Screw it, you're right." "Good to hear. Now let's go hunt some wabbits."
"But seriously dude, take off the bunny suit, you look like an asshole."
V. Stop Pressuring me OK, Titles are Hard
The trio stood behind a building, and looked towards Rukia's throne area. "So what's the plan? Shoot up the little psychopath before she summons whatever she wants to summon?" asked Deadpool. "Well...I'm not seeing any other alternatives." said Cable. "You see me complaining?" responded Nel. "Alright, cue the theme music!" said Deadpool, as "Eye of the Tiger" began playing. The three got into Cable's battle van.
As they approached, however, they were stopped. Bugs Bunny, flanked by a group of Bunnytroopers (yes, Stormtroopers with bunny masks), stood in the middle of the road. "Nyeeeh, what's up doc?" "Aw, dammit." grumbled Cable. "Nyeeeh, ya mind steppin' out of the loser cruiser, bubs?" said Bugs. "Any ideas?" asked Nel. "Do as he says. We're outnumbered and outgunned." answered Cable. The three stepped out of the van.
"How are ya folks doin' today, alright I hope?" "We don't want any trouble, hoppy." said Deadpool. "Nyeeeh, probably shoulda thought of that before drivin' round here with a buncha weapons, doc. So whadda ya here for, anywho?" "We're here to scalp your boss, I mean...no, no, that's pretty much what I meant." said Deadpool. "Well if ya haven't realized it yet, I'm kinda under contract not ta let that happen, bub. Buuuut lucky for you, I can at least take ya to talk with her all personal-like. But first...I'm gonna have ta ask ya to hand over those nice weapons of yours. No questions asked."
Bugs walked over, guns in hand, and confiscated Nel's sword and Deadpool's weapons. He approached Cable, who remained unmoving. "Ya know, doc...If you're gonna stand there eating shit, ya might as well not spit it out. Chew, swallow, repeat, ya get what I'm sayin'? Now, weapons please?" After a moment, Cable reluctantly handed over his large blaster. "Much obliged, doc."
"Now then...let's see the rest of it." "We don't have anything else." "Oh, please, sweetheart...there's obviously more. There's always more." Bugs motioned for one of the Bunnytroopers to grab Deadpool. "Hey, watch the polyester!" "Nyeeeh, take him to the back. Ask him nicely to show us the weapons." The trooper did so.
"So what the hell's your grand plan anyway?" demanded Cable. Bugs responded by aiming one of his guns at Cable. "Chew, swallow, repeat, doc. Now didn't I say no questions? See, I'm tryin' to be nice here, but it's in one ear and out the other, huh?" "You don't have to do this." said Nel, and Bugs pointed his other gun at her. "Uh uh uh, loose lips sink ships, doll. Now, any other situation I woulda just killed all of ya on the spot. I don't want ya to get the wrong impression of me, y'know?" "Just take the weapons and we'll leave peacefully." "Shut up, Nel." "I'm talking to the man, Nathan." Bugs readied his weapons. "Nah, sweetheart, ya really aren't."
He held his weapons for a few moments before pulling them away. "Nyeeeh, I ain't gonna kill ya." A few moments of silence. "Wait, wait..." said Bugs. "...aw shucks, of course I am!" He raised his guns, but before he could fire, he and the Bunnytroopers were engulfed in a large explosion. Nel and Cable, stunned, looked around. Deadpool stood on top of the van, holding an RPG. "That's for touchin' the polyester!" he exclaimed. "And, y'know, trying to kill us." said Nel. "Oh, yeah, that too." "Asshole."
The three returned to the van. Cable looked down and saw Bugs' decapitated head, on fire. "Swallow that, 'doc'."
On their way, Cable (who was driving) asked, "By the way, Nelliel, where're your two sidekicks?" "Hm?" "I know you have those two knuckleheads that follow you around, where are they?" "Oh, Pesche and Dondochakka? Well, they were getting kind of clingy and wouldn't let me leave, so I provided them with a distraction?" "'Distraction'?" "Yeah, I gave them a Nintendo 64." "That's...quite the distraction. Did you at least give them some games?" "Oh, of course. Not exactly sure how they're taking to it, though..." Elsewhere, her two Fraccion were playing Superman 64 and singing in unison, to the rhythm of the John Williams Superman theme: "Supermaaaaan, he flies through the rings~. Supermaaaaan, he does other things~. Just kidding, he ooooonly flies through riiiiings, that's all that he doooooes and it's not even good~."
Shortly after, the trio arrived at the area where Rukia was performing a summoning ritual. They exited the van and drew their weapons. "You're too late, mortal scum." said Rukia. "Says you, Asian persuasion. You're allllll outta continues." said Deadpool. "You're alone, you can't possibly-" "Alone, hm? Is that what you think? Sorry to dissapoint you, but I'm as far from alone as can be~." The emblem Rukia was standing on began glowing. She laughed as demonic energy surrounded her. She emerged wearing a Chappy costume.
"That...THAT is the ancient evil that we were soiling ourselves over?" asked Nel. "Well, uh..." began Cable. "Maybe my calculations were off a tad bit..." "Oh, for-Alright, look, lady, let's make a deal." began Deadpool. "I'm listening." said Rukia. "Last I checked this is how squabbles are usually settled. If we win, you take your sorry ass back to whatever pellet-poop hellhole you crawled from." "Very well. And if I win?" "You can take Nate." "...what?!" demanded Cable. "Trust me, Nate. It's the only way." "The hell're you talking about?!"
"So be it. Name your game." said Rukia. "Alright then, we challenge you to-" Deadpool pulled something out of his pocket. "-a children's card game!" Yu-Gi-Oh cards. "...are...are you serious?" grumbled Nel. "Whether or not I end up being sexually assaulted is based on whether we win...a children's card game?" added Cable. "C'mon, it's all I could think of on short notice." "This is so freaking-" "Very well, challenge accepted." said Rukia without hesitation.
"Don't worry, I got this covered. She probably doesn't even have any good cards!" "I summon three Blue Peeps Whitey Dragons!" Sure enough three dragons appeared. "I don't understand why they're called that!" said Cable. "Nobody does, it isn't funny." answered Rukia. "Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?" asked Nel. "Yeah, so?" "That's against the rules, isn't it?" "Screw the rules, I have bunnies!"
"Any ideas, King of Games?" asked Cable. "Well, just one...I summon-" Deadpool looked at the screen. "By the way, if any of you have objections to how we're not following the rules of Duel Monsters, I have a couple of options. Option one, leave a consise comment or explanation. Option two, FUCK YOU." Deadpool pulled out a card. Elsewhere, at the McDonald's, Lille awoke from his slumber. "Ugh...what in the world was-" He was then teleported to the area of the duel, and began glowing and rising into the air. He began transforming.
He transformed into his second Vollstandig form. "-MEGA ULTRA CHICKEN! CHICKEN ARISE, ARISE CHICKEN!" As the transformation finished, everyone remained silent for a moment. Then Cable spoke up. "My God...he looks like a goat had hate-sex with a lawn ornament." "He looks like what happens when a rooster's late to its own abortion." added Nel. "It's kind of like a snake and a duck tried adopting a kid but couldn't find anything nearly as unspeakably horrifying, so they found some blonde-haired kid and taped chicken parts on him. Or they just fucked normally. Either or." added Deadpool.
"AHHH, Mega Ultra Chicken! It's not possible! Nobody's ever been able to summon him!" yelled Rukia. "Really? Is it because he's super rare and junk?" asked Deadpool. "No, it's because he looks like a flamingo puked snot out of its ass and stopped halfway! No sane person would dare summon something so abominable!" "Yeah, well in case you haven't noticed, I'm one-hundred percent certifiably insane! ATTACK, MEGA ULTRA CHICKEN!" Lille began spinning rapidly like a drill, and dove towards Rukia. "NOOOOOOOO!" she screamed, as an explosion engulfed her before eventually collapsing in on itself. When it was over, she and Lille had disappeared. "They're gone..." uttered Nel. "RIP, Mega Ultra Chicken. You fought well, even for being a crime against decency." said Deadpool.
"So, what now?" asked Cable. Nel's stomach growled. "Urr, I think that's my answer." They began walking away as Deadpool put his arms around the two. "Ladies and germs...I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." he said.
As they walked away, a blonde-haired girl in a pink dress and pigtails stood watching them. She giggled to herself before promptly vanishing.
With the trio long gone, Lille emerged from beneath the rubble. "Ugggghhh...why does it feel like I've been viciously insulted...?" In front of Lille was a small white rabbit. "A simple rabbit...? Is this all that's left? How sinful-" The rabbit proceeded to jump on Lille, biting at his throat as blood began spraying everywhere. Lille screamed, and cursed the fact that he left his Holy Hand Grenade at home.
ZA ENDO