A Mother's Love
A/N: I was away for my two week holiday, without a computer or Internet in sight. I started having fanfiction withdrawal symptoms and so, to compensate, I browsed deviantART with my mother's phone (just don't tell her that, please). While there, I came across one of the most beautiful and sad pics of Azula I have ever seen. The pic is called "BitterSweet" by rinoaneko. You honestly do need to look it up, it's amazing. (In case you can't look it up, it's a pic of a crying Azula being embraced by Ursa. In the author's note at the bottom Ursa promises never to leave her daughter again.)
So anyway, looking at this pic I actually felt sorry for Azula; something rare from me, seeing as I love, love, LOVE to hate that chick. (I know, I'm a mean person. Sorry, Zula.) With nothing better to do I lay on the bed that was assigned to me for our stay at my aunt's house and thought about Ursa and Azula, the whole reunion thing and how, like the artist rightfully states, Ursa coming back was all Azula really wanted and needed.
Then my Zuko fangirl side kicked in and asked my "I feel sorry for Azula" side the million dollar question: How would Zuko feel if that picture were true? After a lot of huming and hawing and excuses and whatnot, I had to admit that one of his primary emotions would be jealousy.
This idea and concept firmly in my brain, Ash's pleas for another emotion-filled Zutara fic, boredom, fanfic withdrawal and my sister's exam pad invitingly lying three feet away from me caused this fic to be written in say… half an hour?
This one is totally from Zuko's point of view with a smidge of Katara here and there. So yeah, I know I'm being mean to Azula yet again, but I love Zuko to bits and I feel that everybody knows how she'd feel if Ursa returned. Azula jealous doesn't exactly take much imagination (no offence to any Azula lovers!) And this one, unlike most of my other Avatar fics, is NOT strictly Zutara. The shock and horror. I just felt putting 'real' Zutara moments in would take the focus away from their mothers. And besides, thanks to The Crossroads of Destiny we all know they bond over their mothers.
I'm rambling, and should stop. This author's note will come to a close shortly, after these messages: I do not mean to offend anybody in any way. I know I portray Ursa as a bit of a 'bad guy' in this fic, but PLEASE understand she's not. Nor is Azula, actually (Another shocker there). Ursa is only human, and as a mother she wants to protect in the biggest way possible. In this case, this means helping her broken daughter, not her strong son. In Kya's case it's the opposite: Katara, thanks to Zuko and the Southern Raiders ninja mission, has learned to let go and live without her mom being around. Sokka just shut the image of his mom out, the way I see it. So Kya knows Sokka needs to be shown that she still loves him too, even if he has 'forgotten about her'. He needs to know that she still cares for him with her whole heart, which is why she hugged him with both arms and not just with one and Katara with one. Please forgive me also for Aang's strange new powers. I had to do SOMETHING to make it happen and he was the only one who could pull it off.
So sorry, sorry and sorry yet again, I beg your forgiveness for all the things I did wrong; those mentioned and those picked up by anybody else. And, Ash, I hope this fits the bill. Because there is no way I can write a more emotion-filled fic than this.
Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender, Aang's actual Avatar powers or the fanart that instigated this little ficlet, for which the author's note is almost longer than the story itself.
Jealousy and guilt.
Those seemed to be the only two emotions he felt those days. They bombarded him, consumed him, plagued his waking moments and almost every dream. The only time he could fight back, free himself from their grasp, was when he trained. The physical challenge he put himself through made it impossible to remember any emotions except elation, power and concentration when he was busy and exhaustion when he was done. All the extra hours of training were bettering his Firebending, but for once he did not care about that.
The flagstones were warm from his fire as he lay flat on them, panting and sweating heavily. He stared at the ceiling of the Western Air Temple without really seeing it. In his mind he was a few kilometers away, by the mental institution Azula was staying in. He knew his mother would be there too; she never left.
How was that fair? Azula had always had the love of Ozai. Always. She was his treasured one, his favourite, in his eyes his only child. And he, Zuko, had had to live without the only parent who cared for him for years, wishing so hard it would hurt that she'd somehow come back. Even when he was banished, telling himself now he really had no chance at all to ever see her again even in spirit form because he was unrecognizable and so far away from home, there was a part of him that still hoped. And he'd never stopped longing for her; a wound that had just been cut open fresh in the catacombs of Ba Sing Se. The rest of his friends still thought it had been a moment of weakness and Azula's cunning that had made him forsake them. He couldn't bring himself to explain that it had been all those things, but most importantly… most importantly the desire to be where his mother last was, to see and feel reminders of her, to sit on the throne and rule like she'd wanted it to be ruled… None of them would understand that. Except maybe Katara, and he didn't want to talk to her about that day. He could still not forget the look of betrayal on her face.
Then after that, after betraying his uncle and crawling back to his father like a kicked animal, he found out she was still alive. His mother was still breathing. He didn't care much why she had never tried to contact him, why she had never told him; seeing her again would make it all right. And then Ozai caved, told him where to find her. The first time he'd seen her he'd gotten so scared Toph and Katara had to coax him into talking to her. And she had grabbed him and held him again and cried, calling him by his name over and over without him having to tell her who he was.
Then she had heard about Azula and had rushed to her bedside in the institute. And that one reunion was the last time he'd talked to her in two weeks.
Why did Azula have to take her away too? Wasn't it enough she'd had the love of their father for fourteen years of their lives? Now when he finally got his mother back, the one person he had been longing for years, she took her away too. He'd been the one to interrogate Ozai for three weeks straight for the information! He'd been the one to go and physically get her, the one who had fought off all the guards, the one who had set her free. And all he's gotten was an hour, when Azula got two whole weeks. Two weeks! All day and night alone with her while he got none. None. It wasn't fair.
Jealousy.
But… Azula did need Ursa more than he did. She had really cracked, and needed somebody to put her back together. Agni knew Ozai wouldn't. His 'love' for his daughter was as transparent as clear water. And, if he really thought about it, nobody but Ursa would be able to do the job. Azula needed her mother. She had missed her too, maybe even as much as he had; she just refused to show it. Azula was still his sister; he should be helping her in whatever way he can, not sulk and hate because she needed Ursa to be able to sleep without body-wrenching nightmares.
Guilt.
Jealousy, guilt. Jealousy, guilt. A never-ending, vicious cycle of thoughts and feelings that refused to leave him. Jealousy and guilt. His mother and his sister. Jealousy and guilt.
"Zuko?"
He nearly jumped right up off the floor; he hadn't heard her coming.
"I'm sorry!" Katara apologized quickly. "I just brought you some food. Thought you might be hungry."
"Thanks…" He was too tired to even be really touched by her gesture.
He reached up to take the food and saw her frown at his bruises. He curled his legs and arms around the worst of them and began to eat in silence.
"Come here," she instructed, sitting in front of him and uncorking her water skin.
He didn't move. Pain made him able to think of other things besides his mother and sister. But how did he explain that to her without her thinking him insane too? Or should he do it so that he could be put in a bed next to Azula and finally see his mother? Katara's hand forced his chin up and she scanned his eyes slowly, reading him. A bit of his pain twisted her face and she let him go.
"You can't do this to yourself. No matter how bad you feel I'm not going to let you hurt yourself, do you hear? And if you protest I'll get Toph to hold you down."
Silently, sullenly, he let her heal him, hating himself slightly for how he reveled in the relief. Wuss.
"Are we… expecting anyone more for dinner?"
He hoped fervently she would think he was just asking to see if he had to collect more firewood. But her eyes tightened slightly, and he suspected she saw through his forced casualness.
"No, it's just going to be us."
She watched as his tiny flame of hope was doused out by the tidal wave of truth. He went back to eating, stabbing the food with more force than necessary. She hurt for him; she could almost understand what he was going through. But what could she do to help? He knew his mother loved him, so reminding him of that fact would not help. He knew Azula needed her more; she could almost taste the guilt she saw on his face so often. So showing him a broken Azula would not help either; it would only make the circle more vicious. There was nothing anybody could say that would ease what he was going through. Words and smiles and "Hey, it'll get better!" would not help this time.
Instead, she wrapped an arm around his shoulders and squeezed, resting her forehead on his shoulder blade as she tried to send him comfort in mental waves. He froze in shock at the gesture; he was still not used to hugging, a fact Toph loved to exploit by tackling him at random intervals even though she was not much of a hugger herself. The Waterbender held on until she felt him relax completely beneath her.
"How long has it been?"
She let go and looked up into his gold eyes. They were guarded, not wanting to let her all the way in. He wanted to keep his emotions, his weakness, to himself. But she opened the floodgates to his confessions as easily as she would bend real water.
"Two weeks." His voice was rough.
She flinched. "You haven't seen her once?"
"No." And then, before he could stop himself he added, "I tried to go see her but… I wasn't allowed further than the hall. I fell asleep waiting. I woke up to find she'd tucked a blanket around me. I missed my one chance; now she's completely Azula's again." Jealousy. "And I made her leave Azula's side for no reason." Guilt.
"Stop. Not everything's your fault, you know."
"There's a first." He was half teasing.
Deciding it was time to distract him, she smiled slightly and got to her feet, beckoning him.
"Iroh's telling Aang his stories about the Spirit World. Coming to listen?"
"Sure. I want to hear what embellishments he's added this time around."
She hid her happiness at his words. If she kept him busy, he wouldn't have to train until he passed out to forget about his mother. He was suddenly taller than her again; he'd grown and she knew she'd have to stand right on her tiptoes now to be level with his face. For whatever strange reason she'd ever find to be level with his face…
"Hey, Katara?"
She looked curiously up at him again, realizing how little she actually noticed his scar those days.
"Thank you." His voice was low.
She smiled at him, reaching out to touch his arm on instinct.
"No pro-"
"KATARA!"
Both of their heads jerked sideways in shock as Aang came bounding around the corner, his eyes shining with glee.
"Katara! I found a way! I can do it! Whooo!"
"Woa! Aang, slow down. What are you talking about?"
"Iroh told me the Avatar can channel the Spirit World to such a degree he can pull back souls for short periods of time to hear wisdom from them. I can call back dead people!" He was positively doing backflips.
"Er… That's great…"
"Don't you see? Katara, I can call back your mom so you can say goodbye!"
The Waterbender stopped breathing. It was like a firework had been lit inside of her; she was ready to take off and explode. The rational side of her tried weighing all the possibilities and things that could go wrong but she didn't listen.
"C… Can you really?"
"I dunno exactly, but Iroh is pretty sure I can. But it's a one-time, short thing. One chance only."
"Well when are you going to try?"
"Tonight. It'll be perfect. It's full moon and only Zuko will be gone to market, so there are people around to help if anything goes wrong."
Katara literally squealed in delight and hugged Aang hard. When she turned back to Zuko her eyes were shining like sapphire suns.
"Isn't this amazing?" She sounded breathless, soaring with emotion.
He was worried about what would happen when her mother left again; how much that would hurt her. Did she really want to say goodbye, or did she only think she did? Wasn't it better to leave the past in the past? But he didn't want to destroy her happiness, and he wouldn't be back until afternoon tomorrow, anyway, so he had no right to say anything about the matter. He forced a smile.
"I'm happy for you." That, at least, was genuine.
She beamed and then just started laughing, running towards her family in giddy joy. He bit his lip and hoped his premonitions were wrong.
-x-x-x-
She was scared and excited all at once, shivering with anticipation and fear. Gran Gran, Sokka and her father all stood beside her, their faces even whiter in the moonlight and their expressions matching hers. Aang sat in lotus style in front of them, hands together and eyes closed as he concentrated. He felt the atmosphere around him change suddenly, as though another element had been added to it. He looked at Iroh, who nodded, confirming Aang's feeling: it was time to open the Spirit World. At that point everybody but Katara's family and Aang left, wanting to give them some privacy.
The Avatar began to glow and he stilled, his thoughts intent on calling her there. For a long while nothing happened, and then she was suddenly there, hovering like Yue had just before she had left.
"Kya."
Hakoda was the first one to moan her name, the first one to reach out to her shining, almost-transparent form. She reached back, smiling but crying at the same time; happy but aching. They had little time, and Hakoda was trying to stutter through everything he wanted to tell his wife. The others let him, crying and hungrily looking up at her. After him, Kanna embraced her and whispered some words into her ear. By the time the two women were done, Kya was already fading away again. There would only be time for her to hug one of her children goodbye properly. Sokka lowered his head, accepting it would be Katara without jealousy in his heart and only a little disappointment. After all, Katara was the one who longed for her most. But Kya surprised everybody by ignoring Katara's opening arms and instead embracing her son. Katara understood her brother needed it more; she remembered her mother clearer and had anyway gone on that whole mission so the wound would close easier. Sokka had none of that so he needed the hug more. He needed to be told Kya still loved him as much as she could, even if he didn't remember her that well. But it still felt as though somebody had thrust a million ice-daggers into her heart.
Kya disappeared and Aang opened his eyes, grinning at Katara in triumph. But she turned away and he shrugged, getting up to leave the family to sob and smile and get a hold of themselves while they remembered and healed. Katara was the only one who did not cry. Her thoughts were too busy waging a war inside her head for her to spare the energy for tears. A vicious circle of only two emotions started in her head, and nothing she did could stop them plaguing her. The rest thought it was just shock and let her go to bed early when she asked. But when she woke up and still had the closed, drawn look on her face and no tearstains on her cheeks, they started to get worried.
She refused to answer any of their questions, shrugging them off and remaining silent no matter how much they begged her to talk to them. As the day wore on and she threw herself into tasks, barely speaking and never smiling at all, they began to push harder, trying to embrace her and comfort her. But she still remained cut off, refusing to let it go and snapping when she was pushed. By the time Zuko came home they were all confused, worried and a little hurt.
Iroh was telling Hakoda gravely that if she carried on bottling whatever she felt up like that it would cause her much hurt in the future. Zuko then obviously wanted to know what happened, and was just as confused as everybody else when they told him Katara hadn't cried and was just shut off and cold. Then he heard the full story of what had happened the night before, and realization dawned. Ignoring everybody's warnings of her bad mood and Hakoda's statement that nobody, not even he as her father, had managed to get her to open up, Zuko walked up to where she was standing, glaring at the dishes she was washing.
"Katara?" His voice was gentle.
She spun around, defensive and ready to attack if it was necessary; anything to stop them all prying. She caught sight of Zuko's eyes and all the fight left her at once. In those two points of gold "I understand" was written everywhere. She could see he knew exactly what circle of emotion held her trapped, and she remembered his expressions over the last two weeks, his hurt and his anguish and his guilt. As she remembered reading his emotions, her own ones burst forth from where she'd tried to dam them up. She felt like she was drowning and falling and being buried alive all at once, and there was nobody there who could catch her, because nobody knew exactly how. Nobody except… He did understand, he knew what she was feeling, how she was hurting because he hurt that way too. Yet he was still alive and breathing, so he must know how to minimize the pain. He must…
She almost ran forwards and flung herself on him, beginning to sob harder than she ever had in her life. His warm arms wrapped around her securely, but he said nothing to make her stop crying. He just let her get it all out. The rest could not understand the exchange and eventually left her to howl her utter misery into Zuko's shirt.
-x-x-x-
The news spread (mostly through Iroh) about Katara's confusing breakdown and to offer support and understanding everybody, except Zuko and, of course, Azula, came to the Western Air Temple's main courtyard. And every one of them was holding their breath. Katara was holding hers to keep back the anger and bitter smile that it had taken her tears to pull Ursa away from her daughter, Hakoda was holding his so that he did not ask the question for the umpteenth time just yet and the rest were holding their breath because they were eager to hear the answer Katara would give her father and because they could sense the danger of her rage.
"Katara, I need to know what's going on." Hakoda could not stay silent any longer. "Why Zuko? Why did you open to him and not your family? What did we do wrong that you felt you could only turn to him?" he asked yet again.
"Because he understands, Dad." It was the fist time she had answered him, even though he had asked the same thing many times.
"Understands what?" Her father was exasperated, wanting desperately to help his little girl. "What can he understand that I can't?"
"Everything!" Katara was drained emotionally, and she finally just let it all out. "He understands what it's like to miss your mother every single day of your life. He understands how it hurts to remember her and yet not want to forget. He understands how you can lie awake and wonder if she'd look at you in pride or disappointment for what you're doing. He understands the blame you put upon yourself because she's not around. And, most importantly, he understands the guilt that eats you alive from the inside at your feelings of darkest betrayal and jealousy because your mother- the person you out of everybody longed for the most- went and gave most of her love to your sibling. He understands everything." Her voice was thick with tears.
Nobody had a single thing they could say to that. Ursa covered her face with her hands as guilt engulfed her. Katara could not stand the look on Sokka's face and she left, ignoring her grandmother's calls. She couldn't face that yet. She needed… She needed oblivion. Sounds reached her ears as though the spirits were sending her a message. She followed, choking down her tears. He had knocked down the stairs to the elevated courtyard, obviously carrying a rope with him to ensure his privacy. Her attempts to get up alerted him to her presence and he appeared suddenly, dripping in sweat and panting heavily.
"Please. Could I train with you?" Her voice was unsteady as blue eyes gazed far up into gold. "The others will just get me to stop when I become tired but I need…"
"Utter exhaustion, to hide from the pain for a while," he finished for her.
She nodded and he reached down. Katara took Zuko's hand, dark skin closing over light, and he pulled her up, leading her into the courtyard and away from the rest outside.
Important notes:
Because about seven people asked me to fill out a questionnaire because they wanted to know more about me (for whatever reason they had for that :?) I have filled out a questionnaire about myself and posted it on my deviantART account, for whoever else is crazy enough to be interested :)
I am expecting reviews for this one! Why? Because I now have CONCREATE proof that people like what I write. I was randomly browsing fanfictions the other day (because holiday drained me of all fanfiction warmth) and I found one that took and used paragraphs straight out of my fic Sadness and Sorrow. While I'm slightly miffed at the… "theft"… I'm also over the moon that somebody liked my fic enough to steal from it. So review: now you don't have an excuse not to!