Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei doesn't belong to me; the song "Insatiable" is by Darren Hayes.
INSATIABLE
Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
It was like some kind of hide-and-seek. An ephemeral game of quick, coincidental touches and startled looks. As if tentatively trying if it's possible to cross the line.
"…Hisoka..?"
The younger Shinigami was sitting among various papers, reports and scribbling with passion probably something boring. Tsuzuki looked at his partner's back and wondered why he was so dedicated to the paperwork. Well, but he shouldn't complain- it was truly a blessing that at least one of them actually did paperwork at all.
"Yes?" asked Hisoka without turning around and in fact Tsuzuki was thankful that he didn't have to face him. A look into those piercing, emerald eyes would surely be enough to take away all of the courage he managed to grow.
Saying the truth, now he had an odd feeling that his courage had gone away anyways.
He gulped and only repeated his partner's name again.
He found it helpless- how could he say that? Just come out and tell him : "Nah, Hisoka, I wanted to discuss with you the matter of you driving me crazy. You see, I can't stand anymore the way I crave to touch you so badly that it hurts."
And it has become really troublesome lately, especially in their apartment. They've been living together for four moths and of course there was some cuddling on the couch and rare nights in each other's arms, when nightmares were too strong, but it was.. friendly, and for comfort. And disturbingly, Tsuzuki found the urge to make it something more, constantly present in his mind.
Now he tried to shrug it all off, since the object of his musings could possibly sense his thoughts.
He decided to delay the conversation because it was not the right place and time.
"Never mind." He said and then Hisoka turned around with a concerned look.
"When you say 'never mind' like that, it practically screams for attention, you know" he noticed with a sigh.
Even that sigh sent off bells in Tsuzuki's head, giving him mental images of Hisoka smiling, sighing, blinking, hugging him.. there was Hisoka exploding everywhere and it was driving him insane.
He panicked a little, maybe more than a little and just laughed nervously waving his hand in a seemingly reassuring way.
"It's really nothing." He repeated and left the place in a hurry, leaving his partner perplexed.
Tsuzuki splashed some cold water into his face and looked in the mirror, chewing on his lip.
"Asato Tsuzuki, you must control yourself, just the way you've been doing it until now. Don't do anything stupid." Ordered his reflection but again Hisoka's face stole into his mind and his heart started to beat dangerously fast.
This sensation was so choking. And his lips felt absurdly thirsty.
Today they haven't gone home together, because Tsuzuki found a lame excuse to stay longer in the office. He thought that Hisoka probably knew it was lame, but he couldn't risk walking together with him with only such small distance between them.. It was only natural before, but now he really couldn't help it. His body got strange ideas about that and he growled with exasperation. It's gotten bad.
It was really, really driving him mad.
But it was building up day by day, no wonder that it has finally reached the climax point. A rather unfortunate pun. How was he supposed to stay sane? One day like this, and he was all worn out, and to think that this was merely the beginning..
With that in his head he opened the door only to find himself barely inches from his partner's face. He restrained from crying in surprise and managed a weak "tadaima".
Hisoka looked at him strangely but only replied "okaeri" and returned to his book.
Tsuzuki tried to look anywhere but at him which was almost impossible to do.
His serene features, and green eyes, now focused on the book together with slender form of his body made a breath-taking picture, and Tsuzuki indeed had difficulty with breathing.
"Think about something else, look elsewhere." Repeated his mind like a chant but eventually he was forced to escape to the kitchen. He sat on the chair and sighed.
He had to be less obvious with his thoughts otherwise Hisoka might read them.
Perhaps it was really better to tell him…
'Hey, Hisoka, could you please stop looking so tempting because each exposed part of your skin makes me feel weak?"
Yeah, right, he thought lugubriously and sipped some water.
Later, he was already in the bed and Hisoka was taking a shower. Tsuzuki was having hard time and he spent most of his free will forcing his imagination not to produce images of the certain person inside the bathroom.
It was a difficult task.
There was a silent "click" as the door opened and Hisoka came out, little drops of water still dripping from his locks. Tsuzuki immediately closed his eyes but that was blatantly lame. Hisoka ignored that, walked past Tsuzuki's side of bed and turned off the lights.
That was going to be hard, the older Shinigami was painfully aware of the boy's presence and closeness.
"Fine. You can tell me now." Said Hisoka into the awkward the strained silence. "What's wrong with you today?"
"Nothing" he answered stubbornly.
"And don't say 'nothing', I'm not blind nor stupid. What happened?" he demanded and Tsuzuki repeated the question to himself.
It was just that he has been keeping it sealed for too long. He was fooling himself and trying to ignore it. The fact that he started to feel more and more attraction towards his partner and it was no more just friendly, warm and gentle. It was now as well somewhat hot, nervous and yearning.
He wanted to comfort him as always, but at the same time he desired to touch him in a way he probably didn't want to be touched and kiss him, not a delicate kiss on the forehead but something wetly, passionately more. He felt sick, but he dreamed of having Hisoka writhing in his arms. Common sense was telling him that his partner surely didn't want to writhe in anyone's arms after what Muraki had done to him. It was stupid and insensitive to expect that Hisoka would even think about it.
That's why he wanted to keep it a secret, so that nobody would be hurt and Hisoka wouldn't hate him.
He shielded all of his feverish thoughts and just concentrated on not moving, letting the silence answer instead of him.
"As you want, but I still think it'd be better if you told me." Said Hisoka and then strained heavy silence returned.
"I can't" whispered Tsuzuki and grabbed his hand, squeezing it almost painfully. The boy turned around and raised himself on his forearm, looking very concerned. He leaned forward and a question was reflected in his eyes.
Tsuzuki surprisingly didn't find it hard to stand. He only smiled tiredly.
"I had a bad day. Hold me?"
Hisoka nodded, still anxious, and encircled Tsuzuki with his arms, placing his partner's head in his chest.
Tsuzuki chewed on his lip and hugged him back desperately, recalling what someone once told him.
"You suffer the most when you're near the one you love and you know that she or he will never be yours."
End of part 1
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