There was something left to be said, but I had gotten lost in the grey. It wasn't just her eyes either. My entire life, up to this moment, had been black and white, right or wrong. Either you obeyed, conformed to the rules laid out before you, or you died. Back on the Ark, the rules meant everything, but now the only rules I have left are my own. I was struggling with this greyness now, Lexa's hard stare never wavering. She was testing me, I knew. It seemed that everything on earth was a test, and I could no longer tell if I was passing or failing. My father's death brought something out in me, a spark that I could not fight, and taking Finn's life seemed to have let that spark ignite me. I felt powerless against the flames as they licked the bare skin of my arms, my calves, my back. I had to bring myself back into this moment, if not for my own sake, then for Lexa's. The uneasiness and guilt I had felt while fleeing Tondc returned then, overwhelming me. I forced my eyes shut in an attempt to stop any tears from falling. Something shifted in the air, and when I opened my eyes they met grey again, but this time there was a softness there that I had yet to witness. I saw it then, the sadness, the guilt, the fear. Grey took on a whole new meaning for me. Before me stood a mere child, wise and strong beyond her years, but a child nonetheless. She had not gotten the privilege of a childhood as I had. She needed someone, now more than ever, and it was becoming clear to me that I was that person.
I think it was this greyness that brought me to her and her to me. My morals were starting to crumble, and I needed her to ground me, to remind me why we make the sacrifices we do, how they are necessary for survival. Yet still, I saw in her Chancellor Jaha, the one who had ruthlessly floated my father for slipping into the grey, and my mother who betrayed him. My mother, who had sent the hundred down to earth to die, sent me down to die. I saw Kane, the man who almost murdered my mother, drunk on power and greed. But most of all, I saw myself, torn between what is right and what is necessary. I could see my struggle in Lexa, in the rigidness of her back, in the clenching of her jaw, in the grey irises of her eyes.
She finally spoke.
"You were right, Clarke of the Skypeople."
"About what?" I asked, somewhat perplexed. I never saw Lexa as one to back down, but she was still full of surprises.
"There is more to life than surviving. The decisions I have made, the sacrifices, the people I have killed…they haunt me. All my life I have been in this darkness, believing that my actions were necessary for survival, but survival for what? Is this all I live for? The next battle, more blood to spill?" She clenched her eyes shut for a mere breath. "Yes, it is true what I said, that in my world, love is weakness. However," she swallowed thickly, her gaze leaving mine for a moment, but returning fiercer than ever. "This world is yours too, now. And I think that for you, love is strength."
I uncrossed my arms, feeling more receptive to Lexa's words, her voice low and trembling. The only way to ease her pain was to hold it for her, and in that moment I knew that she would reciprocate, that she would hold my pain as well. I could not push too hard and neither could she. We had to meet in the middle, and my journey there began the moment I stepped foot on this forsaken planet.
Lexa took a step toward me, licking her lips slowly as her eyes roamed my face, lingering for a moment on my lips before returning to meet my gaze.
"Please teach me, Clarke," she stated simply, eyes pleading and kind. There was a fear there that I had never seen before, not in Lexa. It was a fear different than that of those on the battlefield, of men and women trying to survive, marching on through blood and sweat, pain and sickness. It was not a fear of death, but of love lost. It was not a fear of physical pain, but a fear of heartbreak. It was also the fear of losing one's humanity, a fear that was slowly starting to take over my life.
I stepped toward her and she followed suit until we were standing right in front of each other. I reached up to run my fingers along one of her braids, pulling it lightly toward me from over her left shoulder.
"I don't have to teach you," my words were rougher than I intended, so I cleared my throat and met her eyes, continuing. "I see you Lexa. I see your love. It is your greatest strength."
Tears pooled beneath the grey then, and I moved my hand down to touch her arm, hoping to soothe the heartache I knew she felt. My gesture brought forth a sob from her mouth, her face showing as much surprise as I felt. She crumpled into me, her hardness abandoned for the soft, sweet girl underneath. I encircled her in my arms, rubbing her back softly but not uttering a word until her tears had stopped.
"I need you," I said, this time surprising myself. "I can't do this alone, Lexa. I just can't."
Lexa pulled back from me, her face slightly red, eyes bloodshot but still piercing grey. She smiled, just barely, and I felt it in my spine.
"I need you too, Clarke. I need you too."