AN: THANKS EVAR SO MUCH, LARRY!
Disclaimer: LOTR and anything related to LOTR does not belong to be but to its owners. I claim nothing, not even this plot.
At The Blown Horn
by Alice Jacobson
One day, Alice Violet Daystar Jacobson, called "AJ" by her closest friends, sat in front of her TV as it once again played Lord of the Rings for her viewing enjoyment. Looking gently tortured, Faramir faced his father's callous words on the screen, regally bowing his head and accepting his new orders despite the fact that he and everyone else in the room knew they would lead to his and his men's doom.
"Oh, Faramir," AJ said dreamily. She tossed her long luscious blonde hair over one thin shoulder, an amused twinkle in her brown-green-blue eyes. "You're so pretty when you angst. 3" Faramir made a sad face then and, her heart pouring out for the sad eyed Gondorian, AJ leaned forward and pressed her face against the TV.
The plastic screen registered as a sensation against her face for a moment but suddenly disappeared. With an elegant yelp, AJ's thin but nicely toned arms pin-wheeled for a second as she fell far far down. Despite falling for at least twenty minutes, she fell softly on a soft surface. It was grass, she saw, long blades ruffling gently in the wind, in no way disturbed by her fall.
AJ looked up and gasped in wonder. She was in Rivendell.
"I must have fallen into the movie!" she concluded, both shocked and overjoyed all at once. It all made such sense. She shook out her long hair, running her hands through her silky golden halo of hair.
"Who are you?" Someone asked from behind her, the imperious tone immediately recognizable.
"Elwrong!" AJ called out joyously and, his hard façade breaking just for a moment, Elwrong wondered how a single name, let alone his, could sound like it was sung by a chorus of angels. No being, no species on Middle Earth, had a voice so sweet and joyous. He almost cried at the utter beauty in front of him but held firm. She could be a siren, sent by Sauron to weaken his will.
"Be you some manner of witch?" Elwrong asked, trying not to be bewitched by her beauty but hers was a beauty unmatched by any Man or Elf. Galadriel herself would weep in bitter jealousy.
"Uh… no." AJ crossed her arms over her ample chest with a thoughtful look, trying to think how to address this. "No! I'm a… prophesier."
"Ah," Elwrong said intelligently. "I know of no other with such talents of foresight."
"Well, I'm a special kind of snowflake!" she said brightly, her hands on her hips. She deflated a little, remembering why she was here. "Um, listen here, guy… I kinda need to get to Gondor and such because there's this guy who is about to be hurt really badly and his jerk father is going to try to burn him alive and such- well, I'll spare you the details. Can I borrow a horse?"
"Have you any experience riding?"
"That would be a big N-O, my friend. But I can learn stuff really fast and then I never forget how to do it." AJ also had the wondrous ability to excel at all she did but she tried to hide her innate brilliance from all, not wanting people to be jealous of her. All she wanted was friendship but all she got was jealousy. It was heartbreaking.
"How delightful," Elwrong said but then shook his head. "However, no steed in my stables is matching of your beauty. Except perhaps…" Elwrong gestured with his hand and an elf immediately produced a unicorn. It has shining white hair and gentle blue eyes. It's horn was large and yet did not take away from the horse's beauty, instead brimming with an untold kind of power.
"SO PRETTY!" AJ said gleefully, patting the horse. "I'll name her Starfish."
"A fine name for a fine horse," Elwrong agreed immediately. "And if you do not mind my company, I would join you on the way to Gondor."
"Sure," AJ agreed with a shrug of her shoulders. Elwrong was kinda cute in an older guy kind of way. She hopped up on Starfish's back, gently soothing the beast by stroking her horn. "Faramir, here I come!"
They made it to Gondor with time to spare but Faramir and his men were already in the city trying to drive off the orcs within. They were greatly outnumbered and, from a nearby hill, AJ could see Faramir darting and thrusting, gallantly trying to win a doomed battle.
"Come on, Elwrong!" AJ shouted. Starfish reared up to stand on her hind legs with an enthusiastic neigh and AJ, perched upon the unicorn like a returning victor, looked very much the part of the hero. "Let's go help them!"
With the help of one elf and a woman, the orcs were defeated. The warriors of Rohan came to the help of their fellow Man only to find the enemy already defeated. There was much rejoicing. Aragorn, Gandalf, and the others had to know how the enemy had been slain. They were surprised to learn of AJ's assistance and thought her coming was a sign of the great future to come.
To the cheers of the people, Faramir raised AJ's arm in triumph. "Here be the woman who single-handedly defeated the enemy! The Age of Man will continue!"
"Um, Faramir," AJ said, cutely tugging at his armor. "I know you're sad and such about your brother and your dad and stuff, but I just want you to know-" A drunk Gimli accidently shoved her into Faramir's chest. Faramir reflexively tightened his arms around her, smiling as she blushed charmingly, her cheeks a rosy pink.
"Yes?" Faramir asked. AJ, suddenly noticing the hundreds of people around her celebrating her glorious victory, was embarrassed. Maybe her declaration of love could wait until they were alone.
"Um, let's talk later, shall we? There's a balcony…" AJ gestured off in the direction of said balcony.
"I'll meet you there," he promised.
Meanwhile, the party continued. The good mead was shared in large portions and everyone partook of its splendor in large quantities, but no more than the two males who stood by the punch bowl, tipsy and slightly bitter as they watched Faramir and AJ part. They were happy too because the two were just perfect for one another but jealousy was jealousy and both males were drunk.
"I'd tap that," Aragorn said in an aside to Elwrong in elvish so no one could overhear.
"So would I," Elwrong admitted in the same language, his voice low and gruff. He downed another cup of mead and stumbled, his balance compromised. His shoulder bumped into Aragorn, who stood still and allowed Elwrong to figure out which way was up and which way was down.
"EW." Aragorn wrinkled his nose. "What about your wife?"
"What about Arwen?"
"Forget about Arwen, okay?" Aragorn said, annoyed. "There's a distinct line between 'girls that you marry' and 'girls that you want to f-'"
"Hi!" AJ chirped, appearing at Aragorn's elbow. Teasingly, she grasped the hilt of his sheathed sword. "Wow, I got to feel the legend." She looked up, her eyes big and innocent. "What were you say, 'gornie? Something about girls?" Aragorn choked. He was not able to repeat what he had been about to say, not to that gentle upturned face. It was akin to telling Arwen that she had the face of a troll, but a thousand times worse.
"Amazing!" gawked Elwrong, kindly covering for his sorta son-in-law. "A child of Man understands our language. Like, no one else can!"
"Oh, well…" She toed the ground, embarrassed at his praise. "If you just put your all in and such, you can do anything you want to do!" Nodding solemnly at her wonderfully wise and insightful advice, they watched her skip off to add just a little bit more sunshine to someone else's life.
"…I'd still tap that."
"Me too."
~*~*~SOMETIME LATER~*~*~
On a small balcony facing the now dead volcano off in the distant, Faramir watched her with darkened eyes. AJ hooked her arm through his elbow and rested her golden head on his shoulder. She sighed.
"I feel like I know you so well," she said gently, curling into the warmth of his side. "Like, my whole life."
"Me too."
"We should get married and such. I mean, you'd look good next to Eowyn and such but not as, like, a compliment but more as a contrast." AJ looked up at him with a meaningful gaze. "A man should not be prettier than the woman he's with, IMHO."
Faramir smiled at her, tilting her chin up with his hand. "Then it is good that I have you by my side," he said warmly. "All beauty pales in comparison, my love."
AJ giggled. "You're such a cutie. 3"
Unbeknownst to the loving couple, one orc had survived the bloodbath of before and had one last terrible deed to commit before his timely death. He gripped a huge thick spear in one hand and climbed up the side of Minas Tirth, scaling the wall with ease and without detection. He looked for a likely victim and, after discarding a few lazy guards as potential targets, he spied on the couple from below the balcony.
It didn't take but a moment for him to scale the rest of the wall. In the next, he impaled the pale haired maiden with his cruel spear. She gasped, jerking as the spearhead tore through her body. Faramir froze, slowly registering the sticky feeling of blood against his hands before he noticed the orc grinning evilly from on top of the railing.
AJ's eyes were huge and heartbroken as she clashed gazes with a horrified Faramir, who clutched at her weakening form like a man clutches at a lifeline in a tumultuous storm ridden sea. Her grasp on his arms weakened as her eyes grew dimmer.
"F-Faramir…" she whispered with her final breath and spoke no more.
"You murdered her!" Faramir screamed, whipping out his long sword and grasping it with two hands. "You bastard!"
Others heard his cry and came to his aid. All at once, Aragorn, Elwrong, Legolas, Eomer, Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Celeborn, and Haldir rushed onto the balcony, gasping at the horrific sight. It was a tragedy that none could bear.
"Fiend!"
"Dastard!"
"Ya big… ORC!"
Letting out a cry of righteous rage, Faramir tore the bow from Legolas' limp hands and yanked back the string, letting loose a righteous arrow that tore through the orc's black heart. The orc fell from the railing, falling down far until he hit the ground with a thump. Justice had been served but at what cost?
Faramir slowly dropped to his knees beside AJ, scooping her limp body up into his arms. He buried his face against her golden mane and slowly shook his head. There was neither breath nor heartbeat in that cooling body and he despaired.
"…I can have no other," he said with a solemn sigh. His sorrow was mirrored by the men all around him.
"A hero is murdered in a fortress and is denied her righteous death," Eomer said gravely. "It is enough to tear a man's will from his body and leave it flailing in the cold air, like a newborn took too soon from his mother's womb."
"Indeed," Gandalf agreed, leaning heavily on his long staff. "In all my years, I have never seen anything so tragic."
"Starfish?" Elwrong said suddenly, turning around when he felt a horn touch his shoulder.
"It is the lady's steed! A unicorn!" Pippin piped up excitedly, bouncing up and down.
"She must be blessed, for only the good and true can ride a unicorn," Gandalf said gravely, watching at the unicorn sedately walked past him. Sensing the unicorn's intent, Faramir loosening his grip on AJ, watching in amazement as the noble unicorn lowered its head and gently placed its horn against the tear in AJ's back. Gently throbbing with magical power, the horn pieced together the skin until it was perfect and flawless.
Her brown-green-blue eyes fluttered open once, twice. Her long dark lashes fluttered as she frowned, trying to understand what just happened.
"She lives!" Legolas called out joyously. Everyone cheered.
"My love!" Faramir gathered her up in his arms again, hugging her tightly. He loosened his grip to gaze soulfully into her eyes. "This one single event has shown me that one cannot be slow about love. One must take life by the horns and do what they want because…" Faramir hesitated, biting his lip. "Because life could end in the next moment and all you'll be left with is regrets."
"Oh, Farry…" AJ said, moved beyond words. She buried her face in his chest.
"Let us marry tonight," Faramir decided and looked up at the elderly wizard. "Gandalf, can you marry us?"
Gandalf shrugged. "Sure, why not?"
They were married that night. It was a big celebration of allies and lovers and friends. There was never a greater wedding nor a greater love, they said, than what was displayed by all that day. They moved to Rivendell, filling the empty elven village with their love and family. AJ and Faramir had twenty children and those twenty children had twenty more children, and so on and so forth. Their line was known as the Rohinton line (for Faramir's family name) and the Rohinton's were known as the most noble and most beautiful line of all of Men.
And they lived happily ever after.
The End