Voices

Kelly Severide lay in bed and tried to sleep. He'd been trying to sleep for the past hour, or more, he didn't remember now. But he couldn't. He tossed and turned every which way trying to get comfortable enough to sleep, but that didn't work, that wasn't it. In his head he felt like he was arguing with himself.

Just do it.

I can't now, it's late.

Go out there.

It's 2 in the morning.

Go do it.

He's not going to want to talk to me now.

You need to do it.

He went to bed hours ago, I'll talk to him tomorrow.

No you won't. It's now or never.

Kelly knew if anybody ever found out how much he talked to himself, everybody would think he needed to reserve a room at the psyche ward at Med. For the most part, during the day, on shift especially, he could always block them out until later. But at night, that's when the voices really homed in on him, and it got harder all the time to ignore them. And tonight they were especially persistent.

Go out there and talk to him.

He's not going to want to see me.

How do you know?

I know.

It's been long enough, you two should be past this.

Easier said than done.

What are you scared of?

That was a word that wasn't in his vocabulary often, he liked to pride himself on not being afraid of anything, and he'd pulled enough crazy stunts over the years to make that point.

Again. He won't want to see me.

That's what you're scared of.

I am not.

Then go do it.

What do I even say to him?

Try apologizing.

I...

You never apologized, did you?

We patched things up, but...

You never apologized.

I couldn't, it was too painful.

What do you think it was like for him?

What if he won't talk to me?

That's what really scares you.

What if he won't?

Get out there and go to him.

As much as Kelly didn't want to, he knew he'd never get to sleep at this rate, so he decided to bite the bullet and do what he knew he needed to do. He kicked back the covers, got out of bed, made his way over to the door and stepped out into the hall. Before he reached the other door, he could hear muffled sounds from inside the room.

"Casey?" Kelly quietly called out as he reached for the doorknob.

Severide had stopped at Casey's apartment and though he didn't bring it up, they both knew he'd be staying for the night, Casey had offered the guest room and he'd accepted. He had an idea what he was walking into now, but he wasn't walking. He opened the door and with what little assistance the street light shining in through the window provided, he could make out the distinctive shape and form of Matt Casey sitting at the head of his bed against the pillows, his knees drawn to his chest and his arms folded over his head as he lightly rocked back against the pillows and tried to stifle the small sobs that were making their way past his lips.

A lump suddenly appeared in Kelly's throat the size of a softball, his eyes burned as he felt the tears starting to build up.

He wasn't walking into this. He ran.

In three steps he crossed to the other side of the room and jumped on the bed beside Casey and grabbed him. Casey didn't even seem to notice the other firefighter's presence aside from dropping his head on Severide's shoulder as he continued bawling.

"I'm sorry, Casey," Severide tearfully confessed as he held his best friend tightly. "I'm sorry, I know...I know it wasn't your fault. I never should've blamed you for Andy's death, I'm sorry." He hugged Casey impossibly tighter and heard Matt groan around a sob in response to the pressure of it. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please...please stop crying. I'm sorry."

He felt Casey's chest heaving and heard his cries suddenly get several decibels higher. He also felt Casey's hands grab hold of him as if he was clinging to life itself.

After a few minutes, Casey seemed to quiet down, but Severide realized that was only because he was trying to talk, every breath in between every word was still a sob escaping him.

"I'm...sorry, Kelly...I know...if you had to pick...it would've been me through the window...instead of Andy."

Severide thought he actually felt his heart drop out of his chest at those words.

"Oh God...don't say that!"

Casey sucked in a sharp breath that came back out as he said, "It's, true...Andy'd still be here...Heather would be here...the boys would be here...it should've...it should've..."

"Don't...don't say it," Kelly begged him.

The two friends clung to each other and shook and rocked as they both continued to cry.

It was early in the morning. The sun wasn't up yet, but everything outside the window had gradually gotten lighter to a dull gray. Kelly looked at the red numbers on the clock, his eyes burned, he'd been awake for a couple hours. Beside him in the bed, Casey slept peacefully, turned on his side with his head resting against Severide's shoulder, seemingly oblivious to everything that had happened last night.

It had been the second anniversary since Andy's death. Though they hadn't talked about it, there had been a mutual understanding that neither of them was going to be alone that night, Kelly took it upon himself to stay with Casey. He hadn't known what to expect, if anything, he was sure Casey wouldn't want to talk about it, for obvious reasons, but if Matt did, he'd be present for it. Casey hadn't wanted to talk, and Kelly didn't offer on his own end either. He should've known when they went to bed that it wasn't going to end there, but he'd never guessed it would've been as bad as it was. He knew that there was a lot unresolved between them after Andy died, but he honestly thought they were good, that they'd gotten past the worst of it. That all went out the window last night with Casey's confession. How? How could Casey think Kelly wished he'd been the one to die in that house fire?

Ever since Casey finally fell asleep, Kelly had had plenty of time to remember all the horrible things he'd said to Matt after Andy had died. He could practically feel his flesh crawl when he thought back to what he'd said, the way he'd acted. He knew if the roles had been reversed and Casey had come at him, accusing him of putting Andy through the window and killing him...God, it was anybody's guess why Casey was still friends with him.

Could they even still be called friends if that's what Casey actually believed Kelly thought about him?

Two years. Had Casey really been carrying these thoughts around for two years? Or had it just been since the last year, since Heather got arrested, then took the boys and left Chicago? Either way, how could he have kept this to himself for so long?

But he knew how. That's the way Casey was. It's the way he'd always been. He internalized everything and never let on to what was bothering him. Something that try as he might, Severide had never been able to master over the years, he tried, but apparently the whole station house could still tell when something was wrong with him.

Kelly looked over at his friend who was still asleep. How different he looked from last night. To see him now, nobody could ever guess that anything was wrong.

Severide leaned over and whispered in Casey's year, "I love you, Matt, I'm sorry." There was no response, just the slow steady breathing of the lieutenant in a deep sleep. Kelly leaned closer and lightly kissed Matt on the crown of his head, then drew back to his own side.

Casey blinked.

Now the moment of truth.

Casey blinked his eyes a few times to wake up. He grumbled something under his breath, and looked to see what time it was, then laid back down. "Morning."

"Are you okay?" Kelly asked.

"Yeah," Casey nodded, quick enough to be a reflex answer instead of a genuine one.

"I don't wish that you'd died in the fire, Matt," Kelly told him.

Casey groaned as he pressed his hands against his eyes. "I actually said that, didn't I? I'm sorry, Kelly. I don't know why-"

"Yeah you do...I'm sorry, Casey, I never should've said what I did."

"It wasn't your fault," Casey tiredly responded.

Kelly blinked. "How can you say that?"

Casey yawned and answered, "Because I've had plenty of time to think about it. I get it, you weren't there, you didn't see what happened, anybody in that position would think-"

"What about you? You were there, you saw him die."

There was silence. Then Casey answered in a small voice, "I know."

"I'm sorry, Casey. I never thought about...how horrible that had to be."

Casey rested his head on Kelly's shoulder again and replied, "You had your own stuff to go through."

"That's not an excuse."

"No...it's a reason...like I said, I get it. But I'll tell you something, Kelly..."

Severide looked at him and wasn't sure whether or not to dread what was coming next.

"There's no such thing as closure," Matt told him. "Seeing Andy die...didn't make it any easier to accept...I know you two were friends forever, and I know how hard it had to be for you...but consider yourself lucky that you weren't there when it happened."

Kelly felt the tears building up in his eyes again and they burned even more now than before.

"I'm so sorry, Matt." He closed the distance between them and pulled Casey into a tight embrace. "About everything."

"I know...I'm sorry, too."

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"I know...I know I couldn't have stopped Andy from going in that window...but I could've at least stopped Heather from going out that night...at least she and the boys would still be here."

"Casey, none of this is your fault."

"That doesn't make it any easier," Casey told him.

"I'm sorry, buddy."

Casey offered a small smile, then he reached over and cupped his hands on the sides of Severide's face and said, "Hey, you look like crap."

Kelly broke out laughing.

"You got anything planned for today?" Casey asked.

"Nope."

"Good," Casey's eyes closed halfway as he said, "let's go back to sleep for a while."

Kelly felt a need to make sure Casey knew what was going through his mind.

"I love you, Casey."

Matt smiled in return and replied, "I guess I must love you too."

Kelly chuckled in response.

Casey fell back asleep in a few minutes, Kelly was almost there himself but he lingered a little longer. The more time passed, the harder it got to argue with the voices in his head. Especially, since Kelly had noticed more recently, one of those voices sounded more and more like Andy Darden.