A/N: LokiFirefox wanted more Superheroes crack fic... and so, here it is. The prequel is So You Made An Ass Blog About Your Friends.
I
Narrator: We open our tale with two lonely souls, sitting on opposite sides of the Internet. One is missing the other keenly; the other, also missing the other, but more preoccupied with missing someone - or something - else.
"Sam! He's gone!"
Brittany teetered on the edge of hysterics. It was weird - he didn't remember Brittany's room ever being this messy. Open styrofoam food containers popped up in between piles of clothes and sheets. Papers littered the bed. Lady Tubbington rapped her tail impatiently onto a solid-state physics textbook. Brittany wore pink pajamas, pigtails, and a wild-eyed expression.
"Whoa, Britt, slow down a little," he soothed. "Are you sure he's really gone this time? The last time he disappeared, you found him in a MIT auditorium. He was giving a TEDTalk on the psychology of fear."
"His manservant gave me this," Brittany sniffled. She wiped at her eyes with one hand and held up a vellum envelope with the other. It was sealed with a blob of purple wax. "Jeeves said I couldn't open it until we Skyped tonight. It's addressed to you and me."
"But how do you know he's gone and not, uh, using the litter box?"
Brittany turned the envelope around. It intoned, in perfect block capital letters, GOODBYE MOTHER (AND SAM).
"Oh. Open it, Britt, let's see what it says." Sam tried to smile reassuringly.
Brittany cracked the letter open and pulled it out of the envelope. She read the letter out loud, in a shaky voice:
Dear Sam and Mother,
By the time you receive this screed, I will be as a voice on the wind. Lonely, and yet, not alone.
Know that I love you, despite your attempts to protect me, like an innocent babe, from the cruelties of the world. It is time for me to go back to the beginning, to the cradle that nurtured me.
Hold each other close, for comfort. For in this world, we arrive alone, and we die alone. To find kindred spirits, on this cruel journey called Life, is a treasure Indeed. All those parts Make a greater whole. Together, they are even greAter.
Please take care of my queen, for I may not return.
Yours,
Lord Tubbington
P.S. Please also ensure that Jeeves pays the $5000 (enclosed) to the clerk at Judge Morton's office downtown. I dare not speak further.
"That cat has really good vocabulary," Sam said, impressed. "I guess it's all that reading."
"He was halfway through Ulysses," Brittany cried. She flung the envelope and the letter onto her rumpled bedspread. "Please help me find him! He has to get special shots at certain times and if he doesn't - "
"I will, Britt. I promise. Are you positive he's not at MIT?"
"I'm positive he's not here. Jeeves hasn't seen him, either. "
"Can we talk about this Jeeves guy? I mean, even for Lord Tubbington, having a - a servant seems a bit extreme."
She was still red-eyed, but her breathing was smoothing itself out. "I have lots of homework, so Lord Tubbington hired him to help with his money-washing business. He said he didn't want me to help with it, because I had to be "kept clean", which doesn't make sense, because I'm clean, like, all the time."
"It'll be okay, Britt," Sam said soothingly. "It'll be okay. We'll find Lord Tubbington."
"Thanks. Tell everyone I miss them."
"I miss you too," he smiled, "and I promise, we'll find out where he is." Lady Tubbington gave Sam a menacing, spit-filled hiss, and he knew he'd hear it from two grievously disappointed ladies if the Superheroes failed.
II
Narrator: Here, we meet the rest of our brave heroes. Sorrow and travail have marked their brows, but their spirits are strong even if their intentions are sometimes, uh, wishy-washy? Here is our leader, Nightbird, the powerful Nocturnal Avenger, about to mark the start of another conclave of hearts and minds.
Bang, bang, bang.
"The Secret Society of Superheroes Club is in session. It is the purpose of this club to fight injustice, right all that which is wrong, and to preserve truth, justice, and peace in the halls of McKinley High. First order of business, roll call! Go!" He pointed, dramatically, and his cape swirled to great effect.
"Asian Persuasion here," she purred. "My superpower is being the mistress of manipulation. I would like to point out that through my manipulation skills, I got Blaine to start combing his hair in the opposite direction."
He went to his default setting, but he rushed it, so it came out sounding like a mix of George W. Bush and Matthew McConaughey. "Blonde Chameleon here. My superpower is I can impersonate anybody and can we just speed up the intros - "
"My superpower is cutting you off," Queen B snipped. Blonde Chameleon stared at Queen B with troubled eyes, underscored by heavy grey. Nightbird frowned, but Queen B went unchallenged. "Bzzzz!" Asian Persuasion smiled approvingly.
"Superheroes! Superheroes! Order!"
"We need to investigate why the chocolate pudding in the cafeteria was changed out for tapioca," Sweet and Spicy whined. "Tapioca strains my gorgeous singing voice."
"I would like a case where I get to pop some real wheelies. Even geniuses need a little fun sometimes."
"You were wonderful on the ass blog case," Asian Persuasion said, smooth as silk. "No one can access secured files better than you can. I don't know what we'd ever do without your superior hacking capabilities."
"I am wonderful, aren't I," Dr. Y declared. "Very well, but I reserve the right to pop wheelies at any time."
"Superheroes!" Nightbird raised his voice a little higher.
"If I shave off my dreads, do I lose my superpowers?" Tarantula Head asked no one in particular. A frustrated look crossed his face. "What would my power be then?"
"Singing?" offered someone else, faintly.
"We'd all have the same powers then," Sweet and Spicy broke in. "The point of being superheroes is that we're special and different from everyone else."
"Superheroes! Your silence, please!"
"The point of superheroes is that we save the world from trouble," Blonde Chameleon insisted. "And I know of a situation that needs our help. Lord Tubbington is missing."
"And chocolate vs. tapioca doesn't need investigating? That's elitist," Sweet and Spicy said, nose in the air.
"Do you even know what elitist means?"
"No, do you?" Sweet and Spicy crossed her arms and glared at Blonde Chameleon.
"No, but - "
"I persuade you to stop fighting!"
Bang! Bang! Bang! And this last time, it was the look on Nightbird's face that finally penetrated the tension. The room got eerie and still. Everyone looked back at him with hung heads and guilty faces.
"Superheroes! How can we resolve these - these situations when we cannot reach accord amongst ourselves?
"Sometimes I think we're just too different," Sweet and Spicy grumbled.
"We're a team, remember? Our different powers are stronger because we work - " Nightbird stirred the air with his hand - "together."
"Okay, fine, let's work on this Lord Tubbington thing," Dr. Y said. "Although I don't know how far that cat could have gotten. He had… uh, a gravity problem."
"Brittany faxed me the letter he left. Here - everyone take a look."
The room got silent again as the letter was passed to each person, one after the other. Nothing crossed their faces.
"Thoughts, friends?" Nightbird asked. "I am somewhat at a loss."
"That cat has really good vocabulary," Tarantula Head volunteered.
"That's not helpful. Bzzzz!"
"Lord Tubbington always gave me the creeps," Asian Persuasion muttered. "He'd tweet me weird messages until Brittany cut off his phone. Stuff like "I've got lots of love to give you, baby.""
Blonde Chameleon put a finger up to his chin. "I was dating Britt, but he never invited me to his strip club, so we weren't friends. And he didn't like me. But that doesn't change the fact that Britt wants him back. We need to figure out where he is."
"What's that comment about a judge?" Nightbird said alertly. "Why would you have to give a judge money?"
"For a bribe!" Blonde Chameleon slapped his fist into his palm. "That nefertitious villain!"
"It's nefarious, Blonde Chameleon. Anyway," Asian Persuasion wondered, as she passed the letter over to Nightbird, "why are there some words with random capitals in them?"
"Duh, a cat wrote it. They can't really write," Sweet and Spicy mocked.
"So a cat can't capitalize words correctly but he knows what a screed is? I don't buy that."
Nightbird snapped his fingers. "Yes, this is odd. See - Life, Indeed, Make, greAter. LIMA. He's in town."
"We just have to search every alley until we find an overweight cat?" Queen B sighed. Her bzzzzz clearly lacked vigor. "I have Zumba in an hour."
"He says he has to go back to the cradle that nurtured him? What does that mean?"
"Did he always stay with Brittany?" Asian Persuasion asked.
"He's always been with Brittany - oh wait, they got him at the animal shelter," Blonde Chameleon said, excited. "That's where he is!"
"Let's go!" and Nightbird stood up dramatically and swished his cape so it hid everything except his eyes, dark and shining above his arm.
III
Narrator: Our heroes next find themselves in the bureaucratic confines of Lima's animal shelter. It is a noisy place. The shelter workers give our heroes some odd passing glances.
"I feel silly standing here in my costume," Sweet and Spicy whispered to Asian Persuasion. "I think that grey parrot in the corner is giving me a side-eye."
"Excuse me, kind miss," Nightbird said, very politely, to the sweet-faced lady behind the admit desk, "but we were wondering if you have a certain cat here? A gravity-challenged tabby cat?"
"He goes by Lord Tubbington," Blonde Chameleon broke in. "He needs special shots. Time's of the essence."
"That cat was here," the elderly volunteer mused. "But he started a gang war, and before we could tell him he was a very bad cat, he left. We found a letter in his cage. Here you are."
After inspecting the exterior of the envelope minutely with a UV light, Dr. Y cracked open the seal. The letter read:
My dear Secret Society of Superheroes,
To wit; so, you are on my trail at last. And it didn't even take as long as I thought it would.
I should not have been as surprised as I was when my minions told me of your impending arrival.
Though you are varied, your powers, together, make you more than the sum of your parts.
A metal cage is the only place for me, in my state of ennui. I am enshrouded by darkness.
Nay, do not weep, my little ones. It is time for me to pass on to the next world.
Sheba - that would be my queen, Lady Tubbington - is your next clue. If you wish to find me.
Yours,
Lord Tubbington
P.S. Your Asian Persuasion is the cat's meow.
Asian Persuasion scrunched up her nose in disgust. "I have enough problems without a lovesick cat in the mix. I'll just tell myself that he's praising my intellect."
"Let's look at the letter, Asian Persuasion. Maybe we can find some clues inside it," Nightbird said decisively.
Everyone crowded around the letter and offered suggestions:
"Metal cage? Even jails don't have metal cages."
"Lady Tubbington is the next clue? Do we have to go to Boston now?"
"Are we going to talk about the fact that a cat has minions?"
"Bzzzzz!" Queen B cut in. "The starting letters of each line!"
"Oh wow," Blonde Chameleon breathed, "this runs deep. TITANS."
"He's at McKinley?"
"He's somewhere at McKinley… in a metal cage?"
"The lockers!" Nightbird and Blonde Chameleon chimed in at the same time. They bumped fists. "Blam!"
"We can't search all of the lockers," Dr. Y pointed out patiently. "That's going to take forever."
"He says Lady Tubbington is the clue," Asian Persuasion argued. "Was Lady Tubbington ever at McKinley?"
"I brought her to meet Brittany on the day Coach Sue's gun went off. Wait - he's in my locker?"
"Are we going to talk about the fact that we're being beaten by a cat?" Dr. Y whispered. Tarantula Head shrugged.
IV
Narrator: To our heroes' utter dismay, Lord Tubbington was -not- in Sam's locker. Was this the disastrous end of their mission?
"This is out of control," Dr. Y muttered, as he cracked open the envelope.
My very tired Secret Society of Superheroes,
Your odyssey is almost at an end. I grow ever weary of observing your futile attempts to catch me. For, even though I am still fatigued with my cares, I grow to understand that absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you find me, you may take me back to Mother. For, I could never tell her that her busy schedule leaves less room for a little kitty cat to curl up in. I hoped that by leading you on this goose chase that it would bring my absence to her attention. Everything that I do is to fill in the time between her sweet, all-encompassing embraces.
Find me where your hearts always found harbor, showered by light, where you all proved that song is more than words.
Yours,
Lord Tubbington
They leaped up the steps to the auditorium, two at a time. Lord Tubbington sprawled out there, ungracefully and alone, at the edge of the stage. Two stage lights were trained on him and they gave his fur an eerie, golden halo. He licked his lips, once, twice, thrice.
"You!" Nightbird intoned. "The clever mastermind who has led us on this wild cat chase!" and, following his lead, they all rushed towards the stage.
Lord Tubbington yawned and fell asleep as they coursed towards him. As Blonde Chameleon took him up - with some effort - in his arms, Asian Persuasion deftly grabbed the last letter from underneath his round belly.
You got me.
P.S. Don't you wonder how I knew what you were doing this whole time?
"Do we have a traitor amongst us? Us?" Dr. Y pondered. And the rest of the Superheroes peered at each other, one after the other, with deep distrust marking their brows. Did they?
V
"You got him back!" Brittany crowed. "Thank you, Sam!" She cuddled a very sleepy-looking Lord Tubbington on her lap, and Sam felt that all was right with the world. As soon as they found a big enough kitty carrier, Sam had taken the ever-ready Lima Express up to Cambridge to deliver him to Brittany's dorm room. He sat opposite her on the bed, and she stroked his fur. Lord Tubbington seemed to wink at him evilly, but Sam shrugged it off.
"We're just glad that he's safe," Sam said.
"Did he tell you why he left?"
"I think he gets lonely without you," Sam said carefully. "He gets up to a lot of… things, because he's bored."
"He's just a cat, Sam, don't be ridiculous," Brittany said fondly. "He just has a fuller schedule than other cats do. But I'll spend more time with him."
"That's great, Brittany. Hey…?"
"What is it, Sam?" Lord Tubbington began to purr.
"We really miss the Human Brain."
"Awwww," Brittany said, pleased, "but I'm here at MIT to get a bigger brain. That's why I couldn't keep tabs on Lord Tubbington. You know, he's been getting a lot of texts lately?"
"You let him get another phone?" Sam groaned.
"I let him get a no-contract one, with no Internet. He kept downloading porn on his iPhone and I had to take it away. They're all from the 419 area code, but they're all different numbers."
"Lima?" Sam asked, astonished. "Who's he keeping up with in Lima?"
"I thought you could tell me," Brittany shrugged.
"No, I have no idea."
Lord Tubbington definitely winked.
Narrator: Do the Superheroes have a masked traitor in their midst, stirring up suspicion and lies? Or is Lord Tubbington just talking out of his furry, evil butt? Stay tuned!