Disclaimer: Not mine.
Warning: This is Kirk/Spock slash. Don't like, don't read.
A/N: Heyyy~ Well, uhm, I just thought-why not? Lately, I kept on getting these weird ideas and I'm just like 'whatever, can't hurt to write this down' and well, here it is! I hope it doesn't sound-weird ahaha, too weird. e.e Anyways, hope you guys enjoy this! Until the next time~! -Krystal
Our Elapsed Memories
When Jim first received the mission details from Starfleet headquarters, he had thought that this was good, he would be able to finally relax from all the hectic missions they had done over the past months. This was a good pace right now for them, a slow and steady one.
He grinned when the screen went blank. He leaned back into his chair and glanced at Spock. The half-Vulcan looked at him before he raised his eyebrows. "This is good, Spock," Jim said as he stood up and stretched. "We can relax now."
Spock stood up as well and Jim could see that his First Officer agreed with him from his eyes. "However, we should not be careless despite how easy this might sound," Spock said and Jim nodded. The captain slapped the half-Vulcan's shoulder. It made him grin even wider when he saw how Spock simply stared at him back blankly as a response. "Aww, come on, Spock. I know you like it when I touch you."
Then, the awkward atmosphere flooded the scene. Jim's smile faltered and died at the edges and Spock went rigid. They stared at each other for a few seconds before he sighed and nodded. He had forgotten that Spock and he were fighting. God, Jim wished they didn't have to but Spock's ego always got to him and somehow—it escalated into a fight.
Neither wanted to apologise and at the end, they didn't speak to each other for the past two days. Now, it was becoming awkward. Jim looked away before he nodded at Spock and walked past him to get to outside. But it still remained that he loved Spock. How could he ever not love Spock? He would never be angry at half-Vulcan for too long.
To be honest, Jim had never felt love before him. His family history didn't really encourage that feeling. He had always been someone who believed that love was a fictional thing, something that people mistaken it with lust. It wasn't real. Not until Spock had waltzed into his life.
At first, they didn't get along well. Jim was the youngest Captain in Starfleet. Spock was the serious and young First Officer who was well-versed about the regulations and practically about everything else. Jim felt considerably stupid next to him despite how outstanding his Starfleet record was.
They always clashed, they always argued, no matter where and when. It took a few months before Jim realised that Spock had more under that exterior coldness. He was different underneath. When Jim found out that his mother was Human, Jim hadn't known that Spock could look that dangerous or insecure about the fact that he wasn't fully Vulcan. He was staring at Jim, daring him to make fun of him.
And at that moment, Jim realised that Spock was never really strong inside. He was like Jim in so many ways. The blond-haired man saw a different side, a better side of Spock that day.
He connected with his First Officer easily after that. He threaded the conversations carefully and he began to see a slip in Spock's masks. And soon, he realised he was changing himself. Somehow along the course of two years, their bickering changed into something like friendship that solidified and defined them both.
It was the most important thing in his life.
The platonic feelings though never really lasted. Jim knew that someway, one way or the other, he would end up falling for someone. He just didn't think it would be Spock. When he realised that he would do anything for his First Officer, even give up his life for it, it led to series of realisation that made Jim found out that he was indeed in love with Spock.
It freaked him out first but—sometimes, when you found the right one, you could never run away from your destiny. He couldn't run away from Spock, no matter how hard he tried to hide away his feelings, no matter how much he wanted to just be normal. But Spock saw through his facades and coaxed them out from his mouth one day when Spock got injured during a mission.
Jim really thought he had lost Spock from the way the half-Vulcan was bleeding in his arms. The fear shook him from inside and before he knew it, he was begging for whatever great forces up there to save Spock so he could at least hear Jim out. He confessed right after Spock was discharged from Bones's care.
What he didn't expect from everything else (termination of friendship, him getting strangled, Spock hating him forever) was Spock feeling the same way. Jim was insecure about it, insecure about his own ability to keep Spock in his grasp but the half-Vulcan always proved to him that he was around for the long haul.
Jim never wanted a permanent relationship before but he knew that he wanted this now with Spock.
The love that was burning through his soul every time he was with Spock spoke volumes to his prior Spock self. It was something that he would never feel again if Spock walked away. Jim vowed to himself that he would make this work and he would keep them both alive.
Spock was important to him.
Spock changed him and in some ways, saved him from his own self-destructing tendencies.
He wanted the half-Vulcan to guide him away from the horrors of reality. He believed that Spock was it and every time the half-Vulcan touched him, he knew for sure that Spock felt that too.
It was something pure between them. Not lust, but love.
Jim felt alive once more after so long.
It was something that nobody could replace.
It was them.
When they beamed down on the planet, Jim felt as if something wasn't right. He glanced at Spock but the half-Vulcan seemed fine, calm and collected as always. Maybe he was thinking too much, he decided and brushed off that uneasy feeling to the back of his mind.
The greeting with the leader was a simple task. Jim had given him his usual KirkTM smile and the leader seemed to have taken in with his simple carefree yet serious personality. Jim was feeling slightly eased that it was going on so well. Well, it lasted for about a second when something loud was heard at the entrance of the dinner room.
The workers fled inside and the securities reached the leader before they spoke in their native language. Uhura, who was there with them, widened her eyes in fear before she took out her phaser. "An attack, someone wants to assassinate the king," she said and Jim took out his own phaser as well.
He looked at the ambush and he knew it then that they were outnumbered. He glanced at the leader and wondered briefly what he did to have caused such a huge mess like this. The security officers all took their positions and tried to stop the attackers from reaching them or the leader.
But it was getting harder when the shots are being fired with such accuracy. Jim almost got hit a few times and he glanced at Spock as he hid behind a pillar. The half-Vulcan was taking cover as well as he huffed out his breath shortly.
"Captain," Sulu's voice commed through. "I see more coming in."
"Damnit," Jim whispered under his breath. They needed to get the leader somewhere safe and right now, the only way was either through the windows or if they beamed up to their ship. He decided that the windows were too risky and commed through Scotty. "Scotty, beam us and the leader out of here."
"Aye' Captain, give me two minutes," Scotty said and Jim sighed before he took in a deep breath. At the count of three, he jumped into the line of fire, shooting his way to make sure they got into one position so Scotty could lock on their coordinates.
Just then, one of the attacked took out a weird shaped gun and aimed it at the leader. Jim's eyes widened and since he was just near the leader, he held out his phaser and aimed at the attacker. Shooting his phaser at the attacker, he failed to realise that another one of the attackers had taken out the same weird gun out and aimed it at Jim next.
"Jim Kirk, you shall taste our anger for having interrupted our mission," the voice was gruff and sharp. The captain hadn't had a chance to actually react before the light blue beam hit his heart. A sharp pain clouded his mind as he dropped his phaser on the floor and stumbled a few feet backwards before he fell on the ground on his back.
"Captain!"
Jim's mind started to become fuzzy. His heart started to ache as if someone had slipped a bag of needles into his body. God, it hurt. He didn't know where to focus and he didn't know what was happening. Everything around him started to slow down until it stopped for a second. It was as if he was becoming numb all over especially around his chest.
It felt like he was losing something. Spock's face appeared in his vision. He was saying something but Jim couldn't hear what it was. His ears were ringing loudly. What was happening? His blood felt cold and his warmth was leaving him. He tried to move but he couldn't. He was as good as dead.
His heart ached heavily as his eyes slipped closed. The last image in his head was Spock and how much he wanted to touch that face and ease the creases of worry.
"Don't leave me, Jim."
One.
Two.
Three.
Breathe—
"What—" Jim started as he opened his eyes, his consciousness waking up. His mind was becoming clear from the fuzziness and the bright light that welcomed him the moment he opened his eyes eased a little. The silent ringing noise in his ears faded off before the smell of antibiotic and pure cleanliness hit him hard.
A wash of nausea rolled him. He took in a deep breath from hurling out whatever he had in him and closed his eyes for a second. He heard the first sounds of footsteps and then the gentle beep of his heartbeat. It made him relaxed for a second before he felt something sharp and gentle prickling at his neck. He winced a bit before he snapped open his eyes. He glanced to his right to see a nurse, smiling at him.
"Chapel," he greeted her though his voice sounded dry and raw. She simply sighed before she straightened herself and shook her head.
"Doctor McCoy is going to tear your head off," she said but Jim caught the humour and relief in her voice. A moment of guilt washed in (like always whenever he ended up getting hurt). He smiled at her assured that he was fine. She nodded at him before she looked to her left. Jim knew immediately it was Bones.
She patted Bones on his shoulder before she left him. Bones walked up to Jim's bedside and looked at his PADD. Jim felt the silence a bit too much as he broke out a grin when Bones looked at him. A scowl pulled on those lips. "You're lucky you're alive—again," Bones growled out.
"Hey, Bon—"
"Fuck, Jim," Bones said as he sighed. "Seriously? You got shot with a freaking weird beam that caused your hormones to go haywire. I thought you almost died."
Jim clamped his mouth shut. It seemed like his jokes at the moment wasn't going to cut it this time, even though it wasn't his fault. "Really?" he asked as he looked away from Bones and sighed. That was when he felt it. A sharp tug of emptiness in his heart. He immediately sat up and gasped out loud. His heartbeat increased and he struggled to keep his emotions in check.
What was happening?
"Jim? Jim!" Bones said as he touched Jim's shoulder and shook him lightly. "Jim, you have to calm down."
"I—I—Bones." Jim felt something akin to sadness wash into his mind. The emptiness and the wrongness took him off guard. Something didn't feel right. He looked at Bones and the doctor sighed. Jim felt something wet trickling down his cheeks. He gingerly touched his face and realised that it was tears. Why—why was he crying? "Bones."
"What's wrong, Jim?" Bones asked carefully. His usual gruffness disappeared, instead his voice softened. This Bones was not his friend but his doctor.
"I—don't know," Jim said as he took in a deep shaky breath. "I feel—empty."
"Empty?"
"Empty," Jim noted dully. He didn't know why. It just felt so wrong. Just then, the doors to the Sickbay slid opened. Bones looked over his shoulder and frowned when Spock walked in. He rolled his eyes before he looked back at Jim. The blond-haired man heard footsteps nearing his bed. He looked up and his breath got caught in his throat when he saw the familiar dark orbs.
"Spock," Bones greeted him. The half-Vulcan glanced at the doctor before he gave out a small nod. Then, he looked back at Jim.
"Jim," he started.
"Spock," Jim breathed out. The emptiness all of a sudden started to disappear as if the mere presence of Spock was filling up that space. As if—as if Spock's presence was what missing. Jim felt taken aback. Spock—Spock was his First Officer. He remembered of their first meet, of how they fought with each other and how they had become friends.
They were best of friends.
Their friendship defined space and time.
But this filling inside of him was different, as if he wasn't just friends with Spock. But that couldn't be, right? He tried to wreck his brain to search for answers of otherwise but all he met up was with a blank space. Something wasn't right. Spock noticed the hesitation on Jim's face and furrowed his eyebrows. "Captain?"
"I—I don't know," Jim looked away and tried to calm himself. "I feel like—I'm missing something."
Bones frowned deeper. "Everything is showing up normal here, Jim."
"No, no I feel fine, just inside," Jim said as he gently touched his chest and looked at Bones. "I feel empty inside."
Bones remained quiet for a few seconds before he looked at Spock. "Jim," Bones started. "I need to check on something. Is it alright if Spock checks your mind?"
"Huh?" Jim asked, reeled back at the question. He glanced at Spock and shrugged after a minute. Somehow, he felt like he could trust Spock with this. This feeling confused him. Spock was his best friend but even if he was a best friend, Jim doubted he should let Spock near his mind. But somehow, he felt alright with Spock. "Uhm, okay."
Spock took a step forward and nodded. "I am going to perform a mind meld, Jim. A shallow mind meld. Will you allow me to do so?"
"Spock, of course," Jim said and he found himself freezing at the words. What? Why had he said that as if this was something normal? The half-Vulcan seemed to hesitate despite Jim had given his consent. The blond-haired man was kind of taken aback with his own eagerness as well. He glanced at Spock and mustered up a half-hearted smile.
He didn't like this confusion in him at the moment.
Spock didn't do anything for a few seconds before he took another step forward. Posing his fingers, he slowly reached out to Jim and placed the fingers against the meld points on Jim's face. "Relax," Spock murmured and Jim voluntarily did so.
This felt so familiar and Jim didn't know why. Spock enchanted some words before he felt something diffusing into his mind. The blond-haired man closed his eyes as he felt the waves of something pulsing through his mind in an orderly fashion. He felt relaxed and at ease with this and that momentary bliss confused him even more.
It was as if he had done this before.
It was as if Spock had been here before, as if he belonged right here in Jim's mind.
But the captain doubted so because he couldn't remember the time when Spock actually did this. Or—if it was a better explanation, there was a big gaping hole in his mind when he tried to search for the last time Spock touched him like this. He felt the strings of Spock's mind carefully navigating through his memories, careful enough not to touch the core.
Jim was grateful for that.
Just then, they stopped—at a huge empty space. Jim was taken aback at the size of the hole. He felt a wave of worry lingering in his mind and he knew it wasn't him. Immediately afterwards, Spock withdrew himself from Jim's mind and broke the mind meld.
Jim opened his eyes and felt the wave of loneliness taking him off guard.
"Spock?" Bones asked as Spock took a step back. Jim looked at his First Officer and thought he saw something like fear or worry. What was wrong with him that had caused the half-Vulcan to feel that way? Was it because of the big hole in his memory space?
"It seems the Captain's memory is not fully—recovered," Spock said carefully, his voice blanked out at the end with masks. Jim frowned at that.
"You mean I have amnesia?"
"Selective," Spock said carefully. "You do not remember—it."
"It?" Jim asked. He suddenly found himself wondering if that 'it' somehow was something important.
"The beam ray," Bones said. "What is it, Spock?"
The half-Vulcan looked away from Jim before he looked at Bones. "It seems I can only deduce that the beam of ray was actually a memory inhibiting ray. It—inhibits the memories that are most important to the person in particular."
"So when the beam of ray hit Jim," Bones trailed off before he looked at Spock. Jim frowned at their secret look before Bones turned around and walked into his office. The half-Vulcan followed him immediately after, leaving Jim alone with his own thoughts.
The blond-haired man took the time to think about his own weird emptiness in him. It felt different. It felt as if he had been missing a part of his soul. Something in him decided that Spock could fill the emptiness up. That little realisation freaked Jim out because come on, Spock was his First Officer.
He wasn't with Jim like that. They were friends, best of friends. They had a friendship that defined themselves in so many ways. Even Bones had said so. But the look on Spock's face when he found that huge empty hole in his mind was—unforgettable and probably made Jim felt guilty.
He just didn't know why.
A little while later, Bones walked back to Jim, Spock trailing him though there was something masking his eyes when he looked at Jim. "Jim," Bones started. "It seems that—whatever the ray did, it took away, blocked some parts of your memory."
"Will I get them back?" Jim asked. Spock seemed to have gone rigid next to Bones. The doctor simply sighed.
"I don't know, Jim," Bones said. "Scotty is on it, trying to reverse the effects of the beam. We'll try it once it's fixed."
"But I'm fine, Bones," Jim said. "I mean, obviously whatever I forgot isn't that important if I'm still me."
Spock's rigidity increased and Bones frowned deep at that. Jim felt like he had said something wrong. "What?"
"Jim," Bones said. "Whatever it is that is lost from your mind is a big part of you. A part that made you happy."
"Okay," Jim trailed off though he didn't know what Bones meant. "So what is it then?"
Bones shook his head. "You'll remember soon," he said before he muttered under his breath something that sounded suspiciously like 'hopefully'.
Spock however remained rigid next to Bones. Jim looked at him and raised his own eyebrows at that. Was it something that was missing from Jim's mind had to do with Spock?
Because if that was it—then it was important and Jim needed those memories back.
Right?
The blond-haired man entered his quarters. He looked around the place to try and get some sense of familiarity but at the end, it just didn't bide him well. Something was missing in here. Spock had went back to the bridge as the acting Captain meanwhile Jim was ordered to rest for at least two days before he could resume his captaincy.
Jim obviously retaliated but Bones's stern look shut him off. That and the fact that Bones had a huge ass hyposray on his hands and Jim did not want to be anywhere near that thing—ever.
He took in a deep breath when he realised that the loneliness was back again. This time, it felt as if Jim had to get out of here and head to Spock's quarters. There was just something there in him that told him to go to Spock's quarters. But Jim didn't dare to do so.
The blond-haired man walked around his room, looking around the things he had and he felt as if he didn't miss anything here. He knew where the things were, he knew what each and every one of the items or belongings meant to him. He just felt himself except for that huge gaping hole in him.
Jim pondered for a few seconds. So, obviously whatever it was missing from him wasn't something practical or something to do with him in general. Then, it must be something from his social life. Jim tried to recall what was the last thing happened to him was.
He vaguely remembered getting shot at while they were on a diplomatic mission and the last thing he thought of before he woke up again was—well—he couldn't remember. Just that he knew he got injured. So, obviously, he could remember his work.
What he didn't remember was something social.
Something that probably meant a lot to him to have such a gaping hole in his mind.
But what?
As he looked around the place, he stopped near the replicator and raised his eyebrows. Something in him itched to check the logs. So, he did. He cruised through the list of things he replicated and realised that almost eighty percent of it was Vulcan Spice Tea for the past few months. He frowned at that.
The only one who would ever drink Vulcan Spice Tea, so far to his knowledge was Spock. Jim never tasted Vulcan Spice Tea before. Though, his mind somehow remembered—despite the lack of image, it remembered how it would taste like. The blond-haired man hesitated for a second before he replicated himself a mug of Vulcan Spice Tea.
Once it was replicated, Jim carefully took the mug and brought the rim of the mug to his lips. The hot liquid inside sloshed slightly. The blond-haired man furrowed his eyebrows when he caught the smell of spices. He wondered for a second if what he thought and what it would really taste like was the same.
But there was only one way to find out.
So, he sipped the tea and for a second, he let the taste wash his mouth.
Then it hit him.
It was exactly how he thought it would taste like and usually, these types of tastes would make him want to gag but now, it seemed like he had gotten used to it. It was as if—it comforted him. Jim immediately placed the mug on the table and took a few steps back.
Okay, so that was weird. Jim furrowed his eyebrows. So, right now, whatever it was that he was missing, it had something to do with Spock. He furrowed his eyebrows at that. What could he miss? He knew everything about Spock, right?
He sighed as he looked around the room and found himself suddenly attracted to his closet. He walked up to it and opened it up, but he wasn't sure what he was searching for. His heart wanted comfort, something to soothe him from inside. And then—he found it.
It was just a sharp pang when he saw the familiar science blue shirt folded neatly and placed at the foot of the cupboard. Jim blinked at it before he bent down a bit and took hold of the shirt. Wait, this was—Spock's. Jim somehow knew that this belonged to Spock. He furrowed his eyebrows as he carefully held the shirt as if was fragile.
He took in a shuddering breath as he tried to remember when was the last time Spock had left his belongings in his quarters was. But the problem was, Spock never left his belongings in his room before. Why was it then he found Spock's shirt here? His mind started to navigate through the memories and then—it stopped at the black hole.
So, the answer was in there and Jim couldn't access it at the moment. Frustration crept on him as he sighed. But he felt connected to the shirt, no, he felt connected to the notion of the shirt. He gently caressed it between his fingers, feeling the cloth. He felt—lonely.
It was as if he had everything to give and yet, he couldn't.
He took in a shaky breath. He needed to know what was happening—just maybe, if he talked to Spock, he would get some idea about this.
It was a simple scene, Jim was lying down on his bed, in a quarters—Jim guessed it was his. He was laying there but he was smiling at someone. His hand was caressing at someone's cheek and it was fuzzy at the corners at who this person was. But he felt so happy, as if he was finally free. He felt—changed.
And usually it would have felt scary, but it didn't, not with—him.
Those dark orbs looked into his blue ones, they were affectionate and filled with love. The cooler hand touched his arm and the thumb caressed his shoulder, as if he was fragile, as if he meant the world to him. Jim tried to focus on who this person was but somehow, he knew who it was.
Then, Jim leaned in and kissed him gently on the man's lips before he grinned wide.
Jim woke up with a startled gasp. His heart beat was racing against his chest as he tried to get a focus on what was reality and what was a dream. His face felt hot as he licked his dry lips and tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. What—what was that?
He gently sat up and realised that he was sweating. God, that was intense. The emotions he had experienced, they felt so real as if—as if it was a part of his memory. He steeled at the thought and blinked. Wait, could it be?
But what did it mean? He kissed someone and that person apparently was a man—but he had felt so happy. He felt as if he had been drowning in ecstasy. Whoever it was, that person had changed Jim from within and that little dream—memory—had filled a small spot of the loneliness in him.
It was magical, something that Jim found it hard to believe because—how could he, Jim Kirk, had a magical affair?
He rubbed his face with his right hand. This didn't make sense but he felt so right. He looked to his right and realised that this was the spot that man had slept next to him. He pressed his left palm on it and wondered briefly if the person was missing him.
Was he still with him?
He didn't know.
The next morning, Jim had felt like someone had terrorised his life. He felt messy, wrecked and drowned in acid inside. He couldn't sleep after the last time he woke up. Every time he closed his eyes, another dream similar to the previous would torment him and he would end up waking up to the same longing feeling in his heart. Whoever this person was apparently meant a lot to Jim.
His heart beamed at the thought and Jim knew that it was love.
He was in love with him and it actually made him felt disheartened to not recognise who it was that he fell in love with. He sighed as he walked to the mess hall. He just replicated something to eat and sat down at one of the empty seats. Immediately, his alpha-shift crewmembers surrounded him with worried faces and relieved grins.
Jim entertained them for a while before his eyes left them to see Spock, who had walked into the mess hall. Uhura had grinned wide when he looked back at her. "What?" Jim asked as he felt his cheeks reddening. Uhura simply rolled her eyes.
"As if you don't know, Jim," she said as she winked. Jim felt the confusion and alarm climbing in him.
"Huh?" Jim asked as he furrowed his eyebrows. Yet, his heart started to beat loudly against his chest as if it confirmed at whatever it was Uhura had implied. She sighed as if she asked Jim to stop being so nonchalant.
"You and Spock, you don't have to try and be so subtle, Jim," she said and Jim felt like he was being pulled into a conversation that he wasn't aware of. The dead confusion whirled in him and yet, he somehow caught what she was trying to say. It seemed as the rest of the crew was staring for his reaction.
"Nyota," Spock's voice rang as he stood behind her with the tray of food in his hands. Jim looked up from Uhura to Spock. He felt his breath hitching when he saw how dishevelled Spock looked—as if he had been trying hard to look cool and failed. Uhura looked at him and frowned when she noticed the look. "We are just friends."
Something about that didn't sound right to Jim. He felt something akin to irritation at that. Then, confusion washed in. Uhura furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "Huh, but you said—"
With just one look from Spock, Uhura closed her mouth and her eyes widened. "Oh my god, so the memories—"
"Nyota," Spock said firmly cutting her off. Jim frowned at their hushed tones.
"Hello, I'm right here," he said as the two of them looked at Jim. Uhura immediately composed herself and smiled though something like apology worked in her eyes.
"Sorry, Jim," she said before she glanced at the rest of the crewmembers who were surrounding Jim. They all had the same look on their faces, as if they were sorry for what had happened. Spock sat next to Uhura as if he hadn't been whispering secrets to Uhura and looked at Jim.
He searched the blue eyes for a second before Jim realised a disapproval look washed in those dark orbs. It felt so familiar to Jim and for a second, he almost thought he knew why. His heart started to beat loudly against his heart and the irritation melted and morphed into—love.
Immediately something screeched in his mind and he looked away from Spock.
Love?
He felt—love?
Confusion blared in his mind and yet at the same time, something like clarity took over him. This was—weird. "Captain," Spock called him and Jim looked at him. "You have not been resting well?"
"I—had some dreams yesterday night," Jim said with a feeble smile. He saw Spock's shoulder squaring.
"Dreams, Captain?" he asked slowly and Jim saw something like hope in those orbs.
"Yeah," Jim said slowly. "I—need to speak to Bones."
Spock remained quiet for a second before he nodded. "Very well."
With that, Jim stood up and immediately walked away from there. He felt his face heating up and his heart thundering loudly in his chest. The dreams from last night started to morph into something. They were changing and halfway down to the turbo lift, he could already imagine who the person he was with every night was.
It was Spock.
His mind shrieked to a stop and something like a huge piece of a puzzle slammed into his mind. But that—impossible! They were best friends! They couldn't have—right?
But then why did he felt like he was lying to himself?
He needed to find Bones.
"Dreams?" Bones asked as Jim nodded and sighed. "What type of dreams, Jim?"
"Dreams of—me being with some guy," Jim said as he ran his fingers through his blond hair. "I felt like I knew him all my life, Bones. Like I knew who he is and yet—I couldn't grasp it. I'm—I was in love with him."
Bones remained quiet for a second before he nodded. Jim had to look at his best friend twice when he saw the disheartened look on the doctor's face. Something didn't sound right at the moment if his best friend was making that face. "Bones? What's wrong?"
"Jim," Bones said as he licked his lips. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something but—then he closed his mouth and shook his head. "Goddamnit," he said under his breath. "Maybe they're just dreams, Jim."
"But," Jim said but he guessed—that could be it. Maybe he was thinking into these things too much. "I—maybe."
"Do you know who this person in the dreams was?" Bones asked carefully but Jim simply shook his head. The doctor looked at Jim for a few seconds before he nodded. "Must be just dreams. Maybe side effect from the hyposprays."
Jim didn't find it believable because he knew what he felt. Bones seemed like he knew something, heck, it seemed like the entire crew knew something about his missing memories but they weren't willing to let Jim find them out. He had to remember it or not at all.
He didn't like this feeling.
But he didn't demand more of Bones and just nodded.
Two days had passed without much despite Jim felt like he was still missing a part of himself. He didn't know why he was drawn to Spock so much lately. The dreams didn't stop either, it was as if they were filling Jim's mind with these thoughts until he didn't even dare to close his eyes. By the end of two days, he had dark circles around his eyes and he felt as if his heart entered the marathon.
Spock frowned as Jim entered the bridge, yawning. He looked at Spock and felt his heart skip a beat. That sudden change of body temperature had Jim stop moving for a second. He just kept on staring at Spock and the half-Vulcan raised his eyebrows at Jim's weird behaviour. Jim then closed his eyes when he felt a sudden spike of something working through his mind.
"I love you."
Jim took in a gasp as he opened his eyes and took a step back. He looked away from Spock and his heart beat started to beat heavily against his chest. What the fuck was that? It was as if he suddenly felt the overwhelming emotions of love just now showering his mind. He couldn't breathe. Spock took a step forward, his eyes worried but Jim took a step back from him.
He didn't want Spock to be near him at the moment. Spock realised this and stopped though Jim knew that Spock didn't deserve to be treated like this. "Captain?" Spock asked and Jim had to take in another deep breath.
"Fine," he said as he glanced at Spock and gave him a fleeting smile. With that, after another few more seconds of silence, he decided that he was fine enough to continue on with his duty.
"Captain, if you are still not fit for duty—"
"I'm fine, Spock," Jim said as he sat down on the chair and looked at the half-Vulcan, just not in the eyes. "I'm fine," he repeated gentler. The half-Vulcan tensed his shoulders before he nodded tightly at Jim.
"If you say so, Captain," he said. Jim nodded to himself before he went back to his duties. His feelings were a mess and the confusion was slowly turning into frustration. He knew that if he could get past this barrier, he would be able to remember whatever it was that was bothering him. But he couldn't and he was scared that he would end up in these lifeless streams of dreams and past memories.
He just knew that it was in his grasp. He knew he was in love—but with whom? And was he with him? He just wanted to know and if he was with him, where was he? Jim shook those thoughts from his mind as he tried to focus on his work.
Everything echoed around him. Everything that he did felt so familiar but it got almost crazily nostalgic when he was with Spock. There were still negative results on trying to reverse the effects of the beam from Scotty and Jim was slightly scared that he would be forever with this hole in his head.
It was getting frustrating that even after four days, he just kept on dreaming of him being with someone and yet, he couldn't grasp the whole thing properly in his hands. He glared at the PADD in front of him as he laid against his bed's headrest. He sighed and tossed the PADD to the side before he looked ahead of him.
The truth was just there, in his mind. He just needed to get it to work. Every time Spock was near him, he would feel like he was more than ready to be with him. He felt complete with the half-Vulcan and the more time he spent with him, the clearer his dreams were getting.
Spock seemed to have been keeping something from him. Jim tried to get it out from him, directly and indirectly but he wouldn't budge. He ran his fingers through his hair before he pushed himself out of the bed and decided he would walk to the Rec room for a game of chess. Maybe someone would be willing to challenge him in the game.
Just as he entered the Rec room, he had spotted Spock already there, playing a game of chess with Uhura. She seemed to be smiling brightly at Spock while the half-Vulcan had that twinkle in those orbs at her smile. Something sharp stabbed him in the heart at the shared look.
He took a step back and he felt—angry all of a sudden. He didn't know why, all he knew was that he wanted to head there and push Uhura off of that chair.
"Do you—still want her?"
"Jim—"
"Because I can't read you sometimes! I need to know, okay? Because if you still like her, if you still want her, you have to tell me. I'll—I'll let you go. I—"
"Jim, you are the only one I want."
That sudden wash of memory took Jim off guard as he stumbled a few feet backwards. His heart constricted at the words and the voices echoed in his head. It felt so familiar and he didn't know why. He looked at them for a few seconds and before he knew it, he was walking towards them. Uhura immediately stopped talking when she caught Jim standing next to them.
"Jim," she said with a smile. Jim however just returned her smile with his own tight ones. Something about that had her smile faltered and she furrowed her eyebrows. "Jim?"
"I'm," Jim started before he sighed. "Just wondering what you're guys are up to."
"We are just indulging ourselves in a game of chess, Jim," Spock said as Jim looked at him. But the anger—increased and turned into something like insecurity. He didn't know why he felt this way but the sudden wash of a certain memory made him think that maybe he had felt the same way with the man he was with too. He gave Spock a tiny smile before he nodded. "Would you like to join us?"
Uhura immediately looked at Spock and Jim had to bite down his tongue from asking her to stop looking so surprised. He felt guilty immediately after because Uhura didn't do anything wrong. She was his friend and he felt so unbalanced to why he acted this way. "Sure," Jim said as he sat next to Spock. Uhura nodded carefully though her eyes were speaking volumes. Spock glanced at her and simply looked back down to the board.
"I should go," Uhura said as she licked her lips and looked at Jim. The blond-haired man looked back at her and nodded, something like relief and satisfaction that she was leaving took over him suddenly. He shuddered at the clammy feeling following right afterwards as she stood up and smiled at Spock. With that, she walked away.
Jim stood up and occupied her seat before he sighed. What the hell was wrong with him? Spock didn't eye him instead, he assembled the pieces to restart the game. Jim looked down to the chessboard. He felt the discomfort and insecurity suddenly cowering in his mind.
What was going on?
Somehow, his mind drifted to the scene he had witnessed just now. He glanced at Spock and wondered if they were involved. But Spock—he never seen anyone like that before, right? Jim found that hard to believe. His heart trembled at the thought that maybe Spock liked Uhura.
But shouldn't he be happy for his best friend?
Instead he felt—angry and defeated.
He felt as if someone had poured ten tons of acid in him. He didn't want Spock to like her.
But he didn't know why he felt this way. He never missed his memories as much as he missed them now. Spock caught his gaze and for a few seconds, they stared at each other. "Jim?" Spock questioned as Jim looked away. He felt torn inside. "Jim?"
"Let's start," Jim said quietly before he started with his piece first. Spock remained still for a few seconds before an almost unnoticeable frown worked on his lips.
"Jim," he started.
"Your turn," Jim cut him off as he looked at Spock and gave him a half-hearted smile. Spock's eyes flashed something and Jim knew immediately that the half-Vulcan was keeping something from him. But Jim didn't know what it was and he felt slightly—betrayed that Spock couldn't find him trusting enough to tell him. Jim's smile faltered at the edges.
But for now, he should try and keep these weird feelings inside of him.
He had to act normal. So, he won the first round.
Jim had found himself spending more time with Spock. It was just as if the half-Vulcan liked getting close to Jim and to be honest, he found himself liking this too. His heart leaped in his chest whenever Spock caught his eyes and gave him one of those famous smiles. Jim found this urge in him to touch Spock increasing every day.
By the end of the first week since he lost his memories, he felt like he was wrapped in multiple emotions for the person he loved and for Spock. His dreams were becoming sharper and they were starting to sound like memories instead of dreams. He didn't mention them to Bones, he didn't think the doctor would understand how connected he felt with those dreams or memories.
In every single one of them, he felt loved and cherished. He felt as if he was drowning in the love, the true genuine ones that he didn't think would have ever existed. By the end of it all, he wondered where this man was. Was he still with Jim? If he was, then why hadn't he visited him? Where was he?
Jim—missed him.
He ate his food quietly at the mess hall when Spock found him.
"Jim," Spock said and Jim looked up to the half-Vulcan. The blond-haired man felt the tips of his ears turning red when he caught the dark orbs. He felt as if he was confused of his feelings. He felt more than platonic feelings for Spock too—but at the same time, he couldn't because he was in love with the man in his dreams.
He felt like he would betray him.
"Spock," Jim greeted before giving him a smile. With that, he went back to eating. Spock settled in front of him but he didn't have anything to eat. Jim raised his eyebrows at that. "Not eating?" he asked as he pointed his fork to the empty space in front of the Vulcan.
"I am not hungry at the moment," Spock said as Jim looked at him.
"Then why are you here?" he asked. He flinched at how harsh it sounded and licked his lips nervously. "Sorry, I didn't mean it that way—I'm just, usually you're here if you're going to eat something."
Silence washed in as the half-Vulcan looked at Jim. Then, he opened his mouth and said, "I am here because I had wanted to see you."
Jim felt his heart beating loudly against his chest at that. His eyes widened at the declaration and felt his throat going dry. "Uhm," Jim said slowly.
"Are you uncomfortable with the notion?" Spock asked though Jim could hear some kind of secret question underneath it. Problem was, Jim didn't know what the secret question was, so all Jim did was shook his head. He didn't trust his voice. Spock nodded as if he was relieved and Jim was getting slightly confused at this. The empty hole in his memory wasn't helping. After a second, Spock asked, "You are not getting enough rest, are you, Jim?"
Jim flinched at the obviousness. "Yeah," Jim said honestly as he sighed and looked at Spock. "The dreams—haven't gone away."
"You mentioned dreams," Spock said as he furrowed his eyebrows. "Are they about something specific?"
Jim felt his cheeks reddened as he looked away from Spock and to the food in front of him. He suddenly felt protective of those memories. He felt as if Spock shouldn't ask about them. But then again, at the same time, he felt relieved that Spock asked him. Maybe—Spock knew. Maybe, this wasn't just a dream after all.
No, Jim was sure that by now, they were his memories. Maybe this would help him get his memories back. "Spock," Jim asked slowly though he didn't know how to phrase the words. So, after a few minutes of consideration, he looked at the half-Vulcan and said, "Did you know if I was—you know—involved romantically with someone?"
Jim noticed how Spock went rigid almost immediately. His shoulders went tense and his jaw was clicked tight. His eyes were in a darker shade of black and Jim didn't know if he should be taking precautions to his safety. Spock remained quiet and still as he searched Jim's eyes. After a second, he looked away. "You were," Spock said. "But I do not believe you both are now."
Jim's eyes widened at that. So, he was in love with someone and they broke up? "Was it—we broke up? I was with him and then—we ended?"
Spock looked back at Jim for a few seconds before he said, "Affirmative."
Something in him dropped to the ground and crashed. He felt—sad. He had felt so much love, he felt so happy and at the end, he realised that they ended. Was it because of him? He felt as if someone had ripped him apart into pieces. He tried to hide away the hurt but he couldn't help as the tears started to well up in his eyes. Why—why did he feel so sad? He looked at Spock as he licked his lips. "Do you—do you know him?"
Spock's eyes widened a bit when Jim felt the tears slipping out from his eyes. God, he felt so sad. As if he had lost a part of himself. He immediately brought his right hand and tried to wipe away the tears but he couldn't stop them from flowing down his eyes. Why was he feeling this way? It was as if he was slapped and stomped. "Jim?" Spock said quietly.
"I—I feel so sad, Spock," Jim said as the sob got caught at his throat. "I felt so loved. I felt like he was the one. I never felt that type of love before, it was pure, and I felt like I was drowning in it but god, I loved it. And then—I find out he—we ended it. I—I feel like it was my fault, you know? I wanted him every night since I dreamt about him because he made me feel safe. God, I'm such an idiot. Of course it wouldn't last."
"Jim," Spock said as he reached out to Jim. "Jim, do not cry."
"I can't stop," Jim said as he stood up, Spock retreated his hand immediately. "I—I'll go and calm myself down. Sorry. You know, emotional human." Before Spock could say something about it, he walked away from there. He felt like his heart had been broken. And what was scarier, it was hearing those words from Spock that made him feel like he was stabbed from inside. It was as if Spock had told them that they were done. But that didn't make sense.
Jim didn't know what to make of this.
He just hoped Scotty could fix this.
"He cried? You fucking hobgoblin!"
Jim froze as he walked into the Sickbay. It had been four hours since the episode and he wanted to see Bones. But he stopped just a few feet from them when he saw Bones and Spock engaged in a conversation. Jim frowned when Spock looked away in what seemed like displeasure.
"I did not think it would affect him," Spock said calmly though Jim knew Bones was close to decking him on the head with the PADD he was holding.
"He loves you, Spock," Bones said slowly though Jim could make out the words. "And you practically told him that you two are done. He might not remember it, but his subconscious mind does. You can't do that to him, Spock!"
"I," Spock started. "I am not what he needs."
"And who the fuck are you to decide that, huh?" Bones said angrily. "It's his choice! If he doesn't want you, he would've told you! Jim's like that, alright?"
Jim furrowed his eyebrows even deeper. They were talking about him. Spock shook his head a bit though he could see the remorse in those eyes. "We had gotten into a fight prior the mission. He had made it clear about how I am a difficult person to be with."
"God, you stupid hobgoblin," Bones muttered under his breath. Jim however didn't want to listen anymore and walked away from there. What? Spock—what was happening? His heart constricted at the words and from what he heard it was as if—Jim—no, it couldn't be right?
He felt the confusion clearing up and his mind finally clicked. Spock—he was actually with Spock? He was in a relationship with Spock? The man in his dreams was Spock? His head started to ache as he tried to take in a deep breath. What the fuck was going on here? Was that why he felt so sad? As if Spock had torn apart his dreams?
Because Spock was actually the man in his dreams? Spock was—the one who he fell in love with.
He shook his head. No, if Spock really was his lover, he wouldn't have said that to Jim, he would have said something to Jim! But he didn't. His heart panged at the thought that maybe the half-Vulcan never wanted to be with Jim in the first place. He gasped at the realisation and his eyes started to water once more.
His heart quivered from the thought and then, anger bubbled in his mind. What was going on? Why did Spock lie to him? He didn't know. He didn't know that Vulcans could be so conniving.
Maybe Spock was talking about someone else.
But Bones said his name.
He shook his head as he decided to head to his quarters. He needed to clear his head.
"Really? You want to go there?" Jim said with a grin as he placed the pawn over to the desired box. A quirk of the eyebrows, another piece was placed and Jim's grin faltered. "God, what? No!"
"Checkmate."
Jim frowned and glared at the man. He looked so smug, with his uplifted lips and bright dark eyes. Jim huffed out a breath and looked away. "Jim."
"What?" Jim asked as he glanced at the man. Before he knew it, the man had stood up and walked to where he was sitting. He leaned down close and Jim smiled at him. "Ah, you want my lips?"
"Jim," the man said nonchalantly though Jim knew somehow he was embarrassed. Before the man could do anything, Jim closed the distance and kissed him.
"Spock," Jim mocked back after he broke the kiss.
Jim woke up once more but this time, he felt—calm. He felt like he was—relaxed. Jim blinked from the dream—the memories—and realised it then with a dread that it was true. Spock was the man he fell in love with, Spock was him.
Jim sat up slowly and rubbed his face as he wondered why Spock had ended their relationship. Wasn't he good enough for the Vulcan? Did he go wrong somewhere? Then, the image of Uhura came into his mind and he had to take in a sharp breath. His heart wilted at the thought that maybe, Spock was in love with her.
The blond-haired man chuckled dryly at the thought that he had lost the best thing that ever happened in his life. Even though he couldn't remember why they broke up, he still knew that he would never ever get a love like this anymore. Maybe that was why Spock didn't tell him about them being together once. Maybe he didn't want Jim to be annoying and clingy, demanding an answer form him.
Maybe—Spock just wanted to be friends with Jim.
His heart constricted at that thought because he knew, that was impossible. He didn't know how he did it before, but he couldn't just be friends with Spock. He loved the half-Vulcan. He wanted to be with him. Where did he go wrong?
Somewhere along there, he ended up catching a sob at the back of his throat and the tears ran down his cheeks. He was such an idiot. Even Spock didn't want him anymore.
Jim avoided Spock like a plague for the next two days. He felt betrayed at the thought that Spock hadn't wanted him. He felt used. He didn't want to see his First Officer anymore. But it was all going to be futile when Scotty commed him during his lunch break about the laser beam.
"We managed to reverse the effects, Captain!" Scotty said happily. Jim felt his heart stopped beating in his chest and for a few seconds, he felt—dread wash in him. If he got his memories back, and he was sure now that the hole in his mind was all about Spock and him when they were together, wouldn't it hurt even more? He wanted to turn the offer down. He wanted to say he was fine without those memories.
But another part of him urged him to get his memories back because not everything was as it seems. At the end, Jim said he would meet Scotty at the Sickbay.
By the time he reached there, Bones was there with Scotty. They were discussing about something but stopped when they saw the blond-haired man walked into the Sickbay. "Jim," Scotty said with a smile. Jim gave him a smile back before he took in a deep breath and looked at Bones.
"I'm going to get my memories back, huh?" Jim asked and Bones noticed the look of hesitation on Jim's face. But the doctor didn't say anything. He just nodded. With that, Scotty took a few steps back and aimed the gun at him. Jim suddenly started to feel slightly scared. Scotty wouldn't accidentally kill him would he? "Uhm, try to minimise the pain."
Scotty grinned widely. "It's alright, Captain! There will be no pain this time around." Jim almost sighed in relief before he licked his lips and looked at Bones. The doctor walked up to Jim before he took out a chip and placed it on Jim's forehead.
"This will help me check your vital signs and hormone levels," he said and Jim nodded. With that, Bones walked away to the sides and nodded at Scotty. Jim closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.
"Okay, now or never, Scotty."
Immediately after he said the words, he felt the beam hitting him right at his heart. It took a few seconds but suddenly, he felt as if a bright light was produced in his dark mind. He felt everything whirling around him and before he knew it—there were flashes of memories in front of his eyes. Every single detail came crashing in like a flood and Jim had to gasp out loud.
The empty hole in his mind finally started to fill again and his heart was being completed. There was slight pain in his head and he felt like he couldn't breathe. "His heartbeat is going haywire," Bones said as Jim heard him shuffling around. But after that, the images started to get faster and faster, all flashing in front of his eyes before it finally stopped one right in front of his eyelids.
It was the last memory of Spock and him before the mission.
Jim remembered now.
They had been fighting because Spock got injured because of him. Jim felt guilty, he felt as if he had hurt the person he loved. Spock seemed so tense, so different. "You can't just do that, Spock! You can't put yourself in danger like that."
"You are in no position to speak as you have done the same many times before," Spock sneered out and Jim flinched at the coldness.
"God, you're difficult!" Jim yelled at him. "Can't you fucking understand how I feel?"
"I am merely performing my duties to protect you," Spock shot back. "It is only professional. I do not mix my personal affairs with my work."
Jim felt like someone had slapped him across the face. "Oh, so I'm the only one acting without basis?" Jim asked as the hurt washed in his face. "Fine! Go ahead and kill yourself for me. I won't cry for you or beg you to be safe anymore."
"Jim—"
"Just—leave me alone, Spock." With that he walked away from Spock's quarters, angry and upset at himself for being careless and endangering Spock and at the half-Vulcan for being so emotionless at his worries.
Jim opened his eyes in a gasp, his body felt weak as his knee gave up on him. At the end, he fell down to the ground on his back. Mixed emotions worked in his mind but right now—the most obvious emotion was anger. He was angry at Spock for being such an idiot and he was angry at himself for being so stupid. Bones immediately crowded him as he tried to keep Jim's hormonal balance in check with his respiratory rate.
"Calm down, Jim," Bones whispered as he injected the hypospray to his neck. Jim tried to do as what Bones said but it was difficult. "It's overwhelming, I know. So take it one by one. Calm down. Take a deep breath, Jim."
Jim did what Bones told him to and he tried to keep his breathing normal. The slight pain in his head slowly disappeared and he was finally breathing fine. He blinked a few times before the fuzziness in his vision left him and he could clearly see Bones's worried face. "Bones," Jim said as he smiled at him.
"God," Bones muttered before he nodded and took out his tricorder. He scanned Jim a few times before he sighed in relief. "He's fine now."
"I remembered," Jim said and Bones immediately looked at him. The doctor sighed before he stood up and helped Jim on to his feet too. "I remembered every fucking detail, Bones," Jim said as he licked his lips and furrowed his eyebrows. The anger and disappointment clouded his mind as the memories swam in his mind.
He finally felt complete—and broken at the same time.
The reality still remained that Spock broke up with him—for this stupid fight. Jim sighed as he decided he was going to hunt the idiotic half-Vulcan down. "Jim, don't do anything rash—"
"He's going to hear a piece of my mind," Jim sneered. "Why the fuck didn't he tell me anything? Why didn't you? I thought you were my best friend, Bones!"
"Goddamnit," Bones said. "I wanted to, Jim, but it isn't good for an amnesiac patient to hear the memories instead of feeling it for themselves."
Jim thinned his lips but nodded, knowing Bones did this for him. But Spock—who gave him the right to just end the best thing that ever happened to Jim like that? "I'm going to kill him."
"Well, send me a postcard," Bones said as he sighed and patted Jim on the shoulder. "He's at the bridge."
Jim walked away and headed to the bridge.
Spock, you better get ready.
"Spock!" Jim said loudly as he entered the bridge, startling everyone there. Uhura looked up from her console and Spock stood up from the captain chair.
"Captain—"
"I need to speak to you, now," Jim said heatedly before he looked at Sulu. "You have the conn."
"A—Aye', Captain," Sulu said as Jim glared at Spock and walked away to the turbo lift. Spock joined him immediately as they both ended up in the turbo lift, one was seething in anger and hurt and the other confused.
Once the doors opened, Jim walked to his quarters. "Captain—"
Jim punched in the codes to his quarters and walked in once the doors opened. Spock hesitated for a second before he walked in as well. Once he was inside, Jim turned around and glared at Spock. The half-Vulcan blinked once before he furrowed his eyebrows. "Jim—"
"Who the fuck gave you the right to deduce whether or not you're what I need, huh?" Jim asked and Spock immediately shut his mouth up. "Huh, Spock? Did you think you can just leave me and think I won't find out?"
Silence washed in before Spock looked away from him. "You have gained your memories."
"Yeah, Scotty managed to reverse the effects of the beam," Jim said. "But that's not my question, Spock."
Spock's lip thinned before he looked back at Jim. The blond-haired man was taken aback at how serious and—hurt those orbs were. "Then you would know what you had said to me when we had our fight one point three weeks ago. You wanted me to leave you alone."
"God, Spock, I was angry!" Jim exclaimed as he took a step forward. "That doesn't mean I don't need you. Fuck, Spock, I love you. How could even think that? How could—" The anger gently melted into disappointment. "How could you even say that you don't want me anymore?"
Spock immediately rounded his shoulders. "Jim, that is not my intention."
"Really? Because it seemed like you wanted to leave me after all, Spock," Jim said as he tried to glare at the half-Vulcan. "When I lost my memories of us, you told me we were over. We were done. I—I might not have remembered us, but my subconscious mind did and I felt so sad. I felt like it was my fault!"
"Jim, I did not mean to hurt you," Spock said quietly. "I did not want to leave you. But you have said it clearly that day that you do not want me."
"I do want you," Jim said as he tried to hold back his tears. "I love you too much to let you go. When—when I didn't have the memories of us, I saw you with Uhura. I thought—I thought you loved her. Maybe that's why, why—is that it? You don't want me because you—you fell for another? Spock?"
Spock immediately took a step forward. His eyes were calm and serious though there were waves of regret in them. "I do not," Spock said honestly as he reached out his right hand and gently placed them over Jim's cheek. "I do not feel for another. Only you, Jim."
"Then why?" Jim asked as his voice broke. "Why did you say you left me?"
"I—I had thought that it would be in your best interest if I was not involved with you in that manner," Spock admitted. Jim shook his head.
"I don't want that," Jim said. "You're my best interest, Spock. My best interest. You're everything I needed and wanted in my life. Please don't take that away from me. Please."
"I will never do anything like that," Spock said softly. "I am—sorry."
Jim's eyes widened at the words. They sounded—so human at the moment that Jim had to really wait for a few seconds to register them. They also sounded so sincere and Jim knew he had forgiven Spock immediately. The anger left him and so did the disappointment, just relief that Spock loved him back. That Spock didn't mean those words. "I love you," Jim said. "I'm sorry I said those things. I didn't mean them. I never will. I'm sorry."
"You have already been forgiven, Jim," Spock said softly before he wiped away the few escaped tears. "I would never stop loving you."
Jim gave Spock a meek smile and his heart still felt a bit insecure. "You won't—leave me again? Ever?"
Spock leaned down and from their skin-on-skin touch, Jim felt the waves of assurance and fondness. Jim felt himself relaxing and the trust in his heart blooming. "Never, Jim," Spock said as his breath rolled over Jim's upper lips. He shuddered a bit as he leaned in closer and placed a hand on Spock's shoulder. He traced the outline of the shirt before he touched the cooler neck.
"I always need you, Spock," Jim said. "Do you need me back?"
"Always," Spock said with a quirk of his lips. "I would not repeat this mistake again."
"You better," Jim said as he leaned in close. "I'm not planning to let you go ever."
"The sentiment is reciprocated," Spock said and kissed him. Immediately, Jim felt the electric-like feeling taking over his body and he knew then, this was where he belonged. He closed his eyes and kissed Spock back, his free hand already gripping Spock's left arm and tracing it gently. Spock's free hand migrated to his waist and wrapped his fingers around the hip bone.
Jim felt the love through this and he felt—happy again.
He would never leave Spock. He would never make Spock think as if he had to leave him because in reality, no matter how upset he would get with Spock, he loved him to the core. He made sure Spock knew that now.
And he knew, Spock reciprocated too.
He broke the kiss and opened his eyes. He felt like he had been deprived of this affection. "I really do need you now," he said as he licked his lips. Spock looked at Jim in the eyes and quirked his lips upwards.
"Perhaps later, after our shift," Spock said gently and lowly. The implications caused Jim to shudder as he grinned with his reddened face at his lover. He sighed and nodded.
"Yeah, definitely," Jim said as he heard the familiar cackle of the comm. Jim bit back a groan as he sighed and looked at Spock. "Looks like we're needed on the bridge."
"Indeed," Spock said though Jim knew he was glad that they were here together now.
With that, Jim grabbed Spock's right hand and intertwined their fingers. Spock's cheeks which were hue green turned into a darker shade when Jim pressed their forefinger and middle finger together. Spock just quirked his lips upwards before they walked out of Jim's quarters.
Yes, Jim thought.
A love he would never let go of.
The End