Chapter 1: Finding Cammie Crazy
Summary: A series of emails, texts, and real life problems, Macey McHenry is always there to translate. Boy drama, family issues, your whole life out in front of you. I'm always here to help.
~m
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I checked my email, not really expecting much but a crap load of spam and some cheesy forwards, but was a little caught off guard when I saw an email from Cammie in all caps, which read:
O.M.G. MACEY MCHENRY! GUESS WHAT?
Well, this actually sounded important.
What? I asked.
Okay, so Zach asked me if I like him and I said yes so then I asked him if he liked me and he said yes and now he's like interrogating me to see what kind of girl I am and whatnot. I say that's progression. What do you think?
New Message.
Oh, and ha like asked me how many boyfriends I've had in the last and I was like 0 and he's all like: really? Wow, that's unexpected.
I began to form my reply:
I think that's cute. And Good(e;) that means you're not a slutastic hoe-bag. Maybe you should be asking him the same questions.
New Message.
Hahahahhahahah I don't wanna be a slutastic hoe-bag. And I will when he stops interrogating me. Then I'll interrogate him. Will you help me with the questions?
I started typing again:
Just ask him the same questions. . .Nah. Let's be original.
How many girlfriends has he had in the last year?
Has he actually seen all the Star Wars movies?
Does he prefer crunchy or smooth peanut butter?
What does he want to be when he grows up?
True or false: polar bears left handed. (true)
How many people die every year from vending machines falling on them?(13)
What is his favorite color?
What religion is he?
Does he read for fun?
What kind of people does he hang out with?
If he could dye his hair any color ever what color would it be?
If I told you I was an assassin who was standing behind you with a gun in hand that was pointing at your head, would you believe me? You just turned around didn't you? Hah!
What's the stupidest thing he's ever heard in your life?
What is his favorite quote ever?
What is his favorite brand of shoes?
How many times has he been to Hooters?
Does he actually read books? If so which one's his favorite?
If he could add any person to our hit-list who would it be?
What's his favorite movie ever?
Does he think you're weird for asking all these insane and random questions?
What color are the socks he is wearing right now?
Who was the last person he talked to on the phone?
What is his favorite food ever?
Message Sent.
New Message.
Those are the most ridiculous questions I have heard in my life! Our conversation is serious right now . . . But I will definitely be asking him some those . . .They're still funny xD
I just rolled my eyes.
Haha, but, see they all have a meaning! You have to read between the lines! Depending on his answer, I can give a full translation on what kind of guy he is!
New Message.
Of course you would know the secret guy code . . .OMG! He said he was thinking about kissing me the other night! The whole time! . . .OMG! I'm turning into a girl! This is horrible! Horribly amazing!
Well that's acute. Lol, of course I would . . . I'M MACEY McHENRY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
She was a math nerd, and we were always joking about how whenever she got a boyfriend she could call him acute. Like the triangle.
New Message.
Hahahhah, your questions are WEIRD. Which ones are the most important? I obviously can't ask them all.
Let's see . . . I thought to myself as I skimmed through the list. I clicked reply and began to type my response:
Has he actually watched all the Star Wars Movies?
Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?
Favorite shoe brand?
Last person talked to on the phone?
If I told you I was an assassin who was standing behind you with a gun in hand that was pointing at your head, would you believe me? You just turned around didn't you? Hah!
Message Sent.
New Message.
You've officially lost it. The last one is WAY too out there . . . I'm not even gonna ask.
Constructing Reply.
It's important!
New Message.
No! We're being serious! He hasn't seen all the Star Wars Movies.
Constructing Reply.
Star Wars Translation: this is a very Good(e;) sign in consideration of the fact that only REALLY weird people with absolutely no lives have actually seen ALL of those movies.
This is also a negative factor because:
He can't finish what he starts.
It probably means he doesn't own a light-saber.
~Translation by: Macey McHenry
Message Sent.
New Message.
You do realize you just called yourself a freak with no life, right? Considering you've seen all those movies about 600 times, have your own Darth Vader accessories, and about 3 different colored light-sabers, hahahah.
Constructing Response.
Thank You, Captain Obvious.
Message Sent.
New Message.
You're welcome, Lieutenant Sarcasm . . . He likes crunchy peanut butter and listens to Green Day.
Constructing Response.
Translation: I don't listen to Green Day, so I can't help you with that one . . . But the peanut butter thing I got handled: He doesn't like all things to be the same. He likes to mix it up a bit and enjoys the unexpected. Such behavior is exemplified in his preference for his peanut butter. Slightly adventurous, but also safe because, I mean, come on! It's just peanut butter!
~Translation by: Macey McHenry
Message Sent.
New Message.
It's official, Macey. You have officially lost it. How the hell did you get all that out of his favorite peanut butter? Whatever you're smoking, I want some.
Okay, so I sort of made up my own translation for the next question.
I asked him:
If I asked you to meet up with me somewhere, would you come alone or bring friends?
If came alone he's comfortable with me.
If he brought friends, he's uncomfortable with me/nervous.
But then he went all Zachary Goode on me.
He threw a curve ball.
He put: DEPENDS…With a very suggestive winky face next to it!
Of course he wouldn't give me a straight answer! Because that would be too easy!
I said: On what?
His response: You tell me.
Why can't things be simple?
My fingers clicked away on the keyboard. Keep in mind that it's like 2 in the morning.
First of all, I am so proud of you! I've taught you well, cupcake. Taught. You. Well.
And, because long distance relationships suck? Lol
Message Sent.
New Message.
Hahaha. Shut up! We're making it work! What the hell am I saying? We aren't even together! Hahah.
New Message.
He said he'd come alone. Good(e;) sign!
New Message.
NO THREATENING HIM, MACEY!
I replied:
Aww . . .why not? I'm crushed.
Message Sent.
New Message.
I DON'T WANNA SCARE HIM OFF!
And I was typing again:
Can't I just threaten him a tiny bit?
Message Sent.
New Message.
NO!
I blew her off saying:
Haha. Ah, I don't care. I'm still doing it xD hahah. I'll just embarrass you a little bit and retreat. No biggie, Cam.
As long as I'm out of there before you two start sucking face!
Message Sent.
New Message.
Not into PDA.
Well good, because I don't wanna watch xD
Message Sent.
New Message.
He said his favorite shoe brand is Vans.
So what's your point?
Message Sent.
New Message.
You said you wanted to know!
Eh, I changed my mind. Don't care anymore.
Message Sent.
New Message.
You're insane.
You really feel a need to tell me this AGAIN?
Message Sent.
New Message.
Heeheh. Yes.
Brilliant response:
Mhmm.
Dear Self,
It's me, Macey. I figured to help keep a clear head, I should probably write to myself. In this journal. Yeah, I sound crazy. I get that. But this is pretty much the only way to sort out my thoughts, journal, so this his how it's gonna work. . . I'm going to write in you. That's it. Okay, here we go:
Literally, every person I have texted, emailed, or really just made eye contact with in the last two months had asked for either therapy, translating the boy/girl code, or solving all their problems.
Seriously. I've helped Bex with her Grant problems, Grant with his other problems, Cammie with her Zach problems, Tina with her crazy problems, Liz with her Jonas problems, Jonas with his Liz problems, and even my cousin's girlfriend with her problems!
So, where does that leave me? What happened to all of my problems? Do I simply no time to think about them because I'm dealing with everyone else's problems? Or did all of my problems just suddenly vanish like that rabbit this weird magician guy put back in the hat?
Actually, I think I do have problems. I just don't really know what they are. I'll let you know when I find out whether that's a good thing, or a bad thing.
Yours truly,
~Macey McHenry
A/N: YAY! I finally posted this! How did you guys like it?
So here's what I'm thinking:
If you need help with an issue (or you just feel like making some insane problem up), you tell me. I help you. You get into this story. Sound goode? Well, if it does there will be many more chapters to come.
DISCLAIMER:
Bex: What do you think of my hair?
Grant: Ugh. . . it looks like you spent more time on it than Ally Carter spent writing this series in which only she owns!
*Way to get out of that one, Grant*
Hope you like?
Review?
~m