"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected." Nicholas Sparks
Sometimes, before dawn broke, Alex managed to rouse herself from the suffocating, dirty fug of sleep and turn to face window. High up towards the ceiling, small, and surrounded by peeling paint, this window allowed her to witness the faint illumination of sunrise. Gradually, as minutes passed and yellow sunbeams skipped along the surface of the bare concrete walls, the building was filled with pure gold. And every time, every single goddamn time, she was reminded of Piper. The sunshine yellow of her hair. The radiance of her smile and the sparkle of her crystalline eyes…the way her entire face lit up when they were together, with a passion both hot and powerful, which Alex knew she reflected, as if Piper herself were the sun and she were merely the moon.
It was an almost perfect analogy: sun and moon, inextricably linked. They were fundamentally unable to exist without each other. Despite their endless, individual struggles for power, their worlds were shattered when they came out of satellite. Night, day…together, apart… no matter how painful it was when it was over, Alex always knew, somehow, in the very core of her being, that she'd be with Piper again. After all, it was inevitable. Night had to follow day, and there was always that beautiful space in between, that passionate, tireless collision between dark and light that twilight eternally provided, when they could exist together.
Until now.
Allowing herself to remember, Alex succumbed to the tidal wave of grief that permanently threatened to engulf her. Slowly turning onto her side, she snatched a ragged breath, gasping as hot tears scorched her cold, porcelain skin. Squeezing her eyes shut and balling her fists, she waited. Sure enough, as her stomach churned and her chest tightened in pain, she found herself back there. Back in the shed. With Aydin. And Piper.
'Alex!" Piper screeched as she tripped onto the dusty concrete floor. 'Piper! What the…what?! Why is she here?!" Alex's questioning eyes darted between Aydin and the blonde, who had been pushed through the door of the shed by a uniformed figure whom Alex failed to recognize. Aydin paused pointedly, as he watched Piper scrabble to her knees, wiping the grazed palms of her hands on the faded khaki trousers that covered her thighs.
Raising one eyebrow and clasping the silver buckle of his belt, Aydin fixed his gaze on the brunette's anxious face.
"Thanks Jedd. I'll take it from here." He nodded curtly, breaking his focus to watch the shed door swing on its rusty hinges, before slamming shut behind his mysterious accomplice. It was in that instant, as she was watching Piper flinch at the high-pitched scream of metal scraping on metal, that she knew. She knew why Aydin had bought her here. He had bought her here to die. And he wanted her to watch.
"So we figured…" Aydin started, approaching Alex, "since you two were in here together, that it would just be too easy to punish you on your own. I mean, where's the fun in that?! And Blondie always loved a bit of fun…that right Blondie?" he chuckled slightly as he spoke, stopping when he was inches from Alex's ashen face.
"You leave her out of this. It's me Kubra really wants" Alex snarled, her dark eyebrows furrowed and her forehead creased.
"Actually, that's not completely true. He's pretty pissed with you both." Pursing his lips, Aydin leaned in closer, "Now you're going to listen to what I tell you, and do exactly what I say. If you don't, I'm going to shoot her right now. I mean it. Any sign from you that you're not co-operating and Blondie gets a bullet straight to the brains. Do you hear me?" Shooting a look at Piper's terrified expression, Alex bit her lip, hard. "If I do what you say, you'll leave her alone?!"
"You know what Vause, that's a really cute idea…" Aydin moved fast, grabbing her wrist and handcuffing it to the leg of the metal workbench next to them. "But you know that's not the way these things work."
"Bastard!" Alex spat, bringing her knee up fast to meet Aydin's groin as he straightened to an upright position. Doubled over, he staggered backwards, breathing out noisily as the pain eased. "You know exactly what happens now, you stupid, careless bitch." Aydin suddenly unfurled and rushed over to Piper, grabbing a handful of her caramel hair and violently jerking her head back. Tears immediately sprang to Piper's eyes, her brow creasing as she bit her lip and stifled a cry. 'Tell me, Alex. Tell me, what AM I going to do next?'
Icy fear trickled down Alex spine, coursing through her veins, numbing the feeling in her body like anesthetic. She was left in a state of horrified paralysis. 'I…you…" even her voice failed her, stopped her from uttering what she knew was about to happen, prevented her from making Piper's fate real with her own words.
"Jesus, Vause!" Aydin's grip on Piper's scalp was still tight; like an exasperated puppet master waiting for his cue, he made sure the tension was taut, the pain unrelenting. With his last poisonous exclamation, Piper's eyes widened. Her slender body was visibly shaking and her lips, which she bit frantically in an attempt to control her hysteria, were beginning to bleed. "I want you to look at your girlfriend. Look her in the eye. The moment you stop looking, I use this…' brandishing the silver weapon that he had stealthily whipped from his belt, Aydin freed his hand from Piper's hair with such force that she fell flat on her chest.
"I SAID LOOK AT HER!" Alex could hear the anger rising in Aydin's voice as he fought to establish his authority. A dangerous, metallic taste filled her mouth as she obediently searched the shape of Piper's rising body for her face. Her beautiful face, rising, like the sun.
There is always a moment before you lose consciousness, in which you are aware of being yourself, without really being in your own body. For a few seconds, after your hearing fades and your vision clouds over, you seem to be metaphysically floating over your own being, looking down on the person that you present to others. Fleetingly, you seem to be separated from your physical form, something so profoundly yours that you can hardly imagine being able to function without it. For Alex, as she stared into the eyes of the only woman that she had ever loved, this feeling seemed to be reversed. Being with Piper, really connecting with her, felt like waking up. Piper's love was like oxygen, it helped her to breath, to discover a self that was so much more than she ever thought she could be. A self that would make mistakes, but nevertheless, a self that felt completely whole.
And Alex knew.
She knew that what she lost, every time she lost Piper, was something even more important than the physical, something even more painful that losing a limb. Every time she lost Piper, she lost a little piece of her soul. Aside from the anger and the fighting, the sex, the wanting and the tears, deep down, what Alex felt for Piper was raw, primal love.
THUD. Aydin wore stiff, black leather shoes. From her peripheral vision Alex noticed that these shoes had a sick, teasing shine…a shine that reminded her, almost spitefully, that this man had managed to filter through Litchfield's employment system without any intention of actually doing any work, masquerading as a decent human being while actually being a hidden monster. He was a criminal, hired in a place that was supposed to correct the unlawful behaviour of others. How does that even happen?!
Is there any such thing as safety? Can you ever really be safe, or is it just a concept we comfort ourselves with in times when we're feeling less vulnerable or oblivious to threat? Alex wondered, now, as she lay in her prison bunk and considered this paradox, weeks after it all. She was locked in a prison- a high security institution meant to keep HER from doing any harm. Instead, she'd been so hurt that she felt like she had been crucified.
"I love you. I love you and I am so sorry that I couldn't keep you safe" In the split second when Alex became aware of the first raising of Aydin's shoe, she tried desperately to speak to Piper with her dark, honest eyes. Unblinking, Piper stared back intensely, plump tears pouring down her cheeks as she held on to Alex's gaze. Nodding slightly, she licked her fear-parched lips and mouthed back, "I know. I love you. I love you so much. I'm so sorry."
THUD. Aydin's first kick made contact with Piper's ribs. The dull sound of her slight frame embracing the concrete once again, made Alex wince. Still, she held Piper's beseeching gaze.
THUD. His second kick had more force, as if his previous attempt was a practice and his engine was just warming up. THUD. Black leather buried itself in khaki cloth, forcing itself further until it hit bone. Piper screamed, drawing her legs up to her chest like a baby, desperately trying to protect herself. Perversely, this childish gesture only seemed to encourage Aydin's violence. THUD. Piper began to scrabble on the concrete like a tortured animal. THUD. Her screams were so wild, so desperate; Alex couldn't bear to hear them. THUD. The speed and frequency of his kick's increased, his breathless panting accompanying the sickening sound of breaking bones and flesh. "MAKE SURE YOU LOOK AT HER VAUSE. KEEP LOOKING! YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!"
Alex could feel her body beginning to convulse, desperately fighting the urge to retch. "Stop! Please stop!" she sobbed, in a tinny, whining voice that bore no resemblance to her usually confident, raspy tones. Piper's prison garb was covered in blood. As she lay there, exhausted, holding Alex's stare, her broken body submitted to the beating, writhing as it absorbed the force of the attack. "What, you want a turn?' Aydin stopped, breathless, his hair disheveled and his eyes bright with the glow of adrenalin and twisted pleasure. "No, Alex. No. Please." Piper whispered hoarsely.
"You see," Aydin laughed, manically, "Blondie's enjoying herself!" Bored of his original means of attack, he quickly began searching the tops of the metal workbenches for reinforcement.
As soon as she realized what he was doing, Alex began to hurl herself towards Aydin, the cool metal of the handcuff cutting into her skin as she threw herself in his direction. Like a wild dog on a leash, chained to a lamppost, Alex pulled and strained furiously, growling in frustration as she did so. Finding nothing of interest on the surface of the bench, Aydin quickly scanned the perimeter of the shed. Piper lay moaning where he had left her, wrapping her arms around her waist to comfort herself. She obviously didn't realize how hurt she was because as she took her hands away she visibly flinched at the sight of her own blood. Seconds later, Aydin was back by her side, snorting and wielding a rusty leg, ripped from beneath one of the workbenches that was littered with plant pots. Time seemed to slow down as he bent towards Piper's shaking frame and brought the metal bar to a raised position, hovering above her head.
"Piper!" frantic words burst out of Alex as she struggled with the handcuffs. "Piper listen to me." the blonde wriggled slightly on the concrete and turned to face Alex, her pained expression easing slightly as she met the brunette's gaze. "Piper I fucked up. You fucked up. We fucked up over and over again, together. We hurt each other and we ruined each other's chances. But I swear to god, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Fuck all the stupid, spiteful things we did to each other. Fuck everyone else…."
"Ladies, ladies. Come on now. We're not here to play out some lesbian Romeo and Juliet scene. We're here because you've both pissed off some very dangerous drug dealers." Aydin raised his voice, "And I'm not finished claiming my debt. So shut the fuck up and let me continue." Finally, his new weapon was set in motion: with one low grunt Aydin slammed the metal leg down to meet Piper's flesh. One hit was all it took.
"Do you love me?" Piper teased, climbing on to Alex's lap and wrapping her slender legs around her waist. She was fresh from the shower, her newly washed hair soft and tousled one of Alex's oversized t-shirts was casually pulled over black lace underwear. Chuckling, Alex picked up the remote from beside her on the couch and pointed it at the screen, pausing the film playing in the background. "Enough to pause my film for," she smirked, pushing her glasses to the top of her head, "and that has to mean something, because believe me, I am loving Jennifer Aniston as a bad ass dental nurse right now. So hot."
Piper raised an eyebrow, 'Oh really? You're loving it huh?' her big blue eyes were framed by a crinkled brow as she pouted slightly with jealousy.
"Hell yeah, I mean, what's not to like?!' Alex raised an eyebrow, taking one of Piper's slender wrists in each hand.
"Last time I checked Alex, Jennifer Aniston was neither gay nor aware of your existence."
"It kills me every time. Lucky for me then, I guess, that you're both of those things." Pulling Piper's arms up around her own neck, Alex leant in to kiss her.
"No no no no no. I'm not going to be your fall back option here, jackass." Piper turned her head away from Alex's lips and shook her arms free. "And anyway, who says I'm gay?" she enquired playfully, pulling off her t-shirt and letting it drop to the floor behind her.
Illuminated by the faint glow of the television, Piper looked beautiful. Long limbs, smooth skin, a sexy, innocent smile dancing on her lips, she was captivating. Alex bit her lip, shaking her head slightly as she drank in the sight of her girlfriend's naked body. Then, with one finger, she traced a line from just beneath Piper's chin, slowly travelling down past her chest and stomach, circling her belly button lightly, before finally reaching the black lace of her underwear. Piper's body reacted instantly to her touch. "As far as I remember Piper, you're pretty gay. Gay for me, in fact." Alex's eyes darkened as she moved closer, taking a handful of blonde hair in her hand and then watching as each strand fell through her fingers, like grains of sand. Playing to her audience, Piper stretched backwards, running both of her hands through her hair. Arms behind her head, she stretched her toned torso and chest towards Alex and locked her eyes on hers.
"Piper," Alex pulled her upright, cupping her delicate face with both hands. "You're fucking gorgeous. You will never be second best. You know that. I love you."
Piper stifled a grin, "but Jennifer Aniston's still sexier, right?"
Sparks of amusement danced in Alex's eyes, "Jennifer Aniston will always be sexy. But you will always be my girl. It's not always about looks Piper."
Feigning shock, Piper let her mouth drop. "It's not?!"
"No, you idiot. When I say I love you, I mean I love everything about you. I love how you ramble when you're nervous, how you you're so annoyingly knowledgeable about some things when you're so fucking clueless about others. I love the way you curl into me when you sleep, how you sing in the shower and laugh too much at your own jokes. I love that you manage to be passionate, curious, confident and so completely lost at the same time. I love that you drink margaritas when it's cold out and you read under a blanket even when it's warm inside. I love that you argue with me when you believe you're right and you sulk like a child when you know you're wrong. I love you even when we fight and we hurt each other. I still love you even when I hate you. I just love you Piper Chapman and I have never felt like this about anyone before. Ever. Not even Jennifer Aniston." She barely had time to finish, before Piper had wrapped her self around her, kissing her deeply. The last thing she remembered, before they fell to the carpet, was the taste of Piper's own whispered "I love you' and the feel of the blonde's happy tears wet on her own cheeks.