Author's Note: I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. This was a whim. A totally fleeting idea. It may become a scene in Nexus of the Heart, I don't yet know for certain.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but how epically epic this epic tale of epic-ness is. I do not hold any claim over Jecht's raw manliness. If I did, I'd use it for my own personal gain.
A match up to end all match ups: Sephiroth versus Jecht. Set in any location you want it to be. They all work perfectly. I pictured this happening in Pandemonium.
"Hmph. Inferior being. You don't stand a chance against me. Move asi-" Sephiroth shut his jaw as the back of Jecht's hand slapped him across the face.
"Did you just-" Jecht backhanded Sephiroth yet again.
"Cease this stupidity. You cannot defeat me by-" Backhand number three.
"Stop grinning you-" Backhand number four.
"You think this-" number five, "-will stop me? Go-" number six "-ahead and-" number seven "-backhand me-" number eight "-all you want. It doesn't even tingle." And a pause.
"So, you've finally understood that such actions are futile? Good. Now hold still...while I send you crashing down to-" and that was number nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty, forty-one, forty-two, forty-three, forty-four, forty-five, forty-six, forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two, fifty-three, fifty-four, fifty-five, fifty-six, fifty-seven, fifty-eight, fifty-nine, sixty, sixty-one, sixty-two, sixty-three, sixty-four, sixty-five, sixty-six, sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty-nine, seventy, seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three, seventy-four, seventy-five, seventy-six, seventy-seven, seventy-eight, seventy-nine, eighty, eighty-one, eighty-two, eighty-three, eighty-four, eighty-five, eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one, ninety-two, ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, and ninety-nine. Jecht had backhanded Sephiroth ninety-nine times in the span of five minutes.
By this point, Sephiroth's cheeks were an inflamed red from all the backhands and had swollen slightly, giving him this ridiculous pinched-cheeks look. It was probably the most humiliating moment of his entire existence. Even more than the time Cloud killed him multiple times in a row while the rest of the supposed 'saviors' of their world just watched (and cheered in Yuffie and Tifa's case).
"Are you done yet? This hasn't changed anything. I will still kill you. Just give me a moment-"
"Hey, you all ready for the JECHT BACKHAND MARK VI?!" Jecht interrupted the extremely deadly swordsman, shouting out to an unseen audience (that's you, readers).
"Who the hell are you talking to? And what the hell is the-" Backhand to the bottom of the chin, sending Sephiroth up, up, up...Jecht passed him in a single leap, double backhanding him at the ground, then dive-backhands him a number of times as they fall at rapid speeds.
Jecht passed Sephiroth yet again, flipping and landing on his feet on the ground and transforming into his Final Aeon form.
"Mother..." Sephiroth actually whimpered at this sight. Because this wasn't just Jecht's EX mode. No, this was the full blown giant summon that was created to combat SIN on Jecht's home world.
"ONEHUNDREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!" And then the back of the giant, nigh almighty hand collided with Sephiroth's right cheek, vaporizing the fourth wall. No, it did not shatter the fourth wall. It did not break the fourth wall. Jecht did not damage the fourth wall through his words (the standard procedure) other than his earlier rhetorical (he looked it up in a dictionary) question.
He simply hit Sephiroth so hard that simultaneously all across the fabric of reality my various alternate selves FLINCHED. The sound of the former SOLDIER 1st Class screaming at such a high pitch that it not only broke the sound barrier, any glass nearby, several banks, a scouter, the concept of 'screaming like a girl', the concept of 'pride', and the fourth wall, but also walls five through infinity, the concept of breaking things, the normal limits of vocal cords, the concept of time, the arms of the statue that is now an armless woman, Superman's solitude, Sauron's eye, the concept of pain, the sensation of pain, the idea of pain, the thought that Sephiroth is the most powerful anti-thesis ever, every world's record for highest pitched scream, every record about backhands, the concept of tennis, the sport of tennis, the act of backhand swinging in tennis, the back of a hand, the concept of 'Chuck Norris', a Chuck Norris joke, Chuck Norris' long standing record of never blinking, Chuck Norris' long standing record of never seeing something he didn't know was possible, Scooby Doo and Shaggy's cowardice, the Opera, Beethoven's eardrums, the ship in the bottle, but not the bottle itself, the TARDIS, the Daleks, the concept of the Daleks, the fact that Rose wasn't immortal or in the same universe as the Doctor, Riku's overwhelming issues with the Darkness, Yen Sid's concentration, Merlin's lack of concentration, Mickey's vocal cords (he now sounds like George Takei and the Allstate commercial guy's voices mixed together with a slightly deeper bass tone to it)(Minnie actually loves this new voice), Leon's mind briefly (he stabilized by repressing the trauma), Yuffie's bad mood, Cloud's laughter strike (he still hasn't stopped breaking it nearly two years later; many state that it was terrifying at first when he laughed for a fortnight without pause, but that it is much better and a significant improvement over the old Cloud), and Kefka's ability to process anything at all and even to move. Yes, Kefka froze in place and ceased bodily function for a long time after witnessing this, only to regain the concept of 'life' a month late after he managed to think enough words to decide that it was just another hallucination and that such a thing was not possible, let alone the fact that Sephiroth had been moving in slow motion and that meant the scream was at a far higher pitch than it sounded. Please remember that this was all broken by Sephiroth screaming at an indescribably high pitch after being subjected to the 'Jecht Backhand Mark VI.
The list goes on and on, feel free to add in anything you think I forgot via review and I shall see about putting them in, with credit to whomever suggests them first.