The X-Files Musical!
Or
A Shamelessly Ripped Off Buffy Musical!
CAST: Cassidy Adamsom (Yelena Krycek), Ben, Derek, Dana Scully, Alex Krycek, Walter Skinner, John Doggett, Monica Reyes, Brad Follmer, and a bevy of those characters we love so much we can't resist making fun of!
Scene 1: FBI Building. We watch everyone go about their daily routine i.e. Scully and Doggett in the office, Monica at the computer, etc. Complete silence until Cassidy boards an elevator and it opens, where she breaks out into song.
1 CASSIDY
Every single day, the same old routine, walk about and file the files
(walks out of the elevator and towards AD Skinner's office)
Still the MIB have their same old scheme, no one questions them about E.T. bile
(slams files on secretary's desk and sits down couch)
They've been getting high on making lies
That endanger my life
So I've been going through the motions
(suddenly stands up)
Saying I'm alright
No reason to put up a…
(secretary motions her to be quiet)
Fight…
(music pause. She rolls her eyes and decides to storm the office where A.D.s Skinner, Kersh and Follmer are seated.)
2 SECRETARY
Hey! They're in a meeting!
3 CASSIDY
(continues and stand up on the desk)
I thought it was cool to know a killer, now I think it ain't so great
Trialed by the court, you find yourself being used as bait
4 SKINNER
4.1 Wanted in 10 states
(pause)
CASSIDY
It's not a family trait
(is carried off the desk by the three)
5 FOLLMER, SKINNER and KERSH
She is pretty spry with lethal guys
But lately we can tell
She's just going through the motions
Doing it somehow
6 FOLLMER
Rumour is, those aren't her real---(gets slapped) OW….
7 CASSIDY
(runs out of the office and waits for the elevator to open)
7.1 The problems, there are way too many?
Will he chase me til I'm twenty?
8 OFF CAMERA VOICE
8.1 OH MY GOD! THEY JUST KILLED KENNY!
9 CASSIDY
9.1 Better him than me!
9.2 I'm just going through the motions, living the same lie
I don't want to know
How far it's gonna go
I'm just an intern ho!
But I still want to be….
ALIVE!!!
(Elevator finally opens up. Cassidy steps in.)
Random worker: Alive doesn't rhyme with—
Cassidy: Shaddup.
(elevator closes)
Scene 2: Doggett and Scully's office. Reyes is there as well at the computer. Doggett hangs up a phone.
Doggett: (pause) Is it just me or is---
Reyes: (interrupts anxiously) everyone bursting out in song and dance, revealing their inner, darkest secrets to all but strangers on the street?
Doggett: Actually, I was gonna ask if anyone else felt the draft but, sure, that too.
Reyes: Oh.
Scully: (sifting through files) So Agent Doggett, what did you sing about?
Doggett: What? Me? I don't sing. Nor am I the dancing type.
Cassidy: (walks in) Then why did I see you doing the macerena outside your car?
Doggett: Eh…heh..….you're fired.
Reyes: What do you think it could be Agent Scully?
Scully: Please. Everyone's just in a jovial mood…maybe it's just—
10 REYES
(suddenly hops out from her seat)
I've got a theory.
It could be Satan.
It's my department, so I think that I would know!
11 SCULLY
I've got a theory
It may be fate an'
There's nothing paranormal, let's not waste more dough
12 CASSIDY
12.1 I've got a theory we should dig and see
13 DOGGETT & CASSIDY
'Cause this could be a stunt done by a conspiracy
14 SKINNER
(runs in to join)
It could be FOX guys!
Some evil FOX guys!
Which is ridiculous 'cause Rupurt Murdoch is my God, he sends my kids to college, FOX rules and I'll stand over here (winks to the camera)
14.1 CASSIDY
14.2 I've got a theory! It could be midgets!
(pause)
15 DOGGETT
I've got a the—
16 CASSIDY
16.1 Midgets aren't as cute as everybody supposes!
They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses!
And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyways?
MIDGETS! MIDGETS! IT MUST BE MIDGETS!
(silence)
Or maybe bunnies?
17 DOGGETT & SCULLY
17.1 I've got a theory we should fix this thing
'Cause half this cast can't dance judging from how they sing
18 REYES
18.1 I've got a theo—
19 BENJAMIN
(walks in puts an arm around Cassidy)
It doesn't matter
What's can't we face if we're together?
Aliens, we've got them all weathered
UFOS
The future holds
We won't know
Til we implode
(silence)
With…love?
20 ALL
What's in this world that we can't get passed?
We'll open a giant can of whoop-ass
We gotta stop
This singalong
It's so wrong
21 SCULLY
21.1 I'm still a single mom
22 ALL (stand up and gather in a circle! KOOM-BI-YAY!)
22.1 What can't we complete if we don't try?
Our contracts guarantee we don't die
There's nothing we can't face…
23 CASSIDY
23.1 Except for Rupurt Murdoch….. I mean, midgets!
(they end all hugging each other)
SCULLY: That's not my shoulder Agent Doggett.
(Everyone slowly backs away from each other)
REYES: Maybe we should uh, split up into teams…figure what the hell this thing is.
SKINNER: Right. Reyes and I will stay here. Scully and Doggett can go investigate. (makes eyes at Reyes)
REYES: (holds back her breakfast)
DOGGETT: Yeah, I think that would be a good idea. (Scully nods and the two of them grab their coats and head out.)
REYES: That's not my shoulder, A.D. Skinner.
SKINNER: That isn't my hand.
(BENJAMIN and CASSIDY slowly slip away from the office)
Scene 1: Parking lot. DOGGETT and SCULLY are exiting the building
DOGGETT: Ah, this is nice. I like spending time alone with you Agent Scully.
SCULLY: You always spend time alone with me, Agent Doggett.
DOGGETT: Why not call me John?
SCULLY: 'Cause it's a dumb ass name.
DOGGETT: (huffy) Oh, like Fox is any better?!
SCULLY: Do I detect a hint of jealously?
DOGGETT: Well, no…yes…I mean…Agent Scully…Dana…I…
SCULLY: Let me guess…
24 SCULLY
24.1 You lived your life in shadow, never the light on your face
You lived like a damn hermit, you figured that was your place
Now here you've been lead
You're falling for a red-head!
Your under my spell
You just can't confess, I'm your FBI goddess
Your nervous I can tell
Nothing's more sexy than chasing down an E.B.E
You saw a world enchanted, magic unfold everywhere
Admit it, you just want to get into my underwear!
But love and work? God knows
We'll end up on Jenny Jones!
Your under my spell
I'm just so exotic 'cause autopsies are so erotic!
You looked and then you fell
But that's alright with me
I'm looking for my child's daddy!
I made you believe!!
A moon to the ti—
DOGGETT: Actually, Agent Scully, I was just gonna tell you you looked hot today.
SCULLY: (stops singing and dancing about) Oh. Well. Then….Wanna make out in the back seat of your car?
DOGGETT: Damn straight!
(runs off screen)
Scene 4: In Scully's office.
REYES: Ugh. Skinner, your on my lap.
SKINNER: I can't help it. (pause) You know you want me.
REYES: WHAT?! (sarcastic) Oh baby. The undying attraction. Uh-uh. Work it.
SKINNER: Damn straight! (attempts to jump her)
REYES: Whoa whoa whoa, sarcasm, buddy. You're just a … little too feminine for my likings, buddy.
SKINNER: But I thought that's how you liked your…significant others! It was water cooler gossip! Just that! I—
25 REYES(turns to camera)
26 This is the man who I plan to sue later
27 Isn't he gross?
28 High in the day when his wife is away
29 But later morose
30 But now if I should quell
31 He kinda looks like a good sell
32 He's kinda cute—hey? WHAT THE HELL!?! (looks surprised at herself)
33 I'll never tell!
(rants)
SKINNER (turns to camera)
She is the one, such wonderful fun, she's one of a kind
A nice tight…embrace, and her face doesn't show a day past forty nine!
REYES: I'm thirty four.
SKINNER: Oh.
34 SKINNER
Although she's kind of odd
And one hell of a creepy broad
I think I'll just sit, smile and nod
'Cause I'll never tell
35 BOTH
(look away from each other)
'Cause there's nothing to tell
36 REYES
(stands up)
He's sweet
37 SKINNER
She's insane
38 REYES
Don't care if he got no mane
SKINNER
Now I finally understand that I've been wrong
39 REYES
I never saw it
40 SKINNER
I'm glad I finally fought it
41 REYES
What the hell have I been missing all along?
42 BOTH
The vibe gets kind of scary
43 SKINNER
(sarcastic)
Like she'll ever want to marry
44 REYES
I don't care if he ain't hairy
45 SKINNER
Hey! My crush was temporary!
46 BOTH
We're both goin' to hell
So Thank God I'll never tell!
47 REYES
When things got colder
He hid behind his Mulder
But now he cannot shoulder
The FBI blow
48 SKINNER
They want to can me
Reyes voice sounds really manly
She—
49 REYES
49.1 I want a family!
50 SKINNER
This is my verse, hello?!
She—
51 REYES
(starts filing)
Look at me! I'm filing CRAZY!!!
(dance interlude with the oyvan, and the filing and the layden, and the dancing and OY my ulcer!)
52 BOTH
You know…
53 REYES
(dips him)
You're not so smarmy
54 SKINNER
(scared)
Please, God, don't harm me
55 REYES
You're the cutest of the cast and
I want to jump you fast
And your firm yet supple—
Never mind!
(starts chasing him around the room)
SKINNER: Agent Reyes! STOP! QUIT IT, BART, QUIT IT!! (runs out of the room, screaming like a little girl)
56 REYES
He's swell
And oh hell
Would I like to ring his bell
Too bad his focus no longer lies within me
But what if
He gets into a tiff
That will destroy relations with his dear Scully!
That's it!
It's got to be!
That "if"
Is darling Agent Scully
If I break their little rendez-vous
Then he's gotta fall back for me soon!
To get back my own dear Skinner
I may even have to kill her
Am I crazy?
Should I hurt her?
Do I really gotta murder?
Hey, if Walter comes right back to me then it's all very well!
But thank God I'll never tell!
I'll swear I'll never tell!
My lips are sealed….
(grabs stapler menacingly)
I take the fifth…
Nothing to see…move it along..
I'll never…
REYES: (loudly) I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, AGENT SCULLY! (runs off. Then runs back in sheepishly to grab the stapler and runs off again)
Scene 5: Warehouse. Cassidy and Ben walk in.
BEN: Ooo…kind of kinky. I like it.
CASSIDY: Keep it in your pants, Benji.
BEN: (looks around) I told you not to call me that in public!
CASSIDY: ("what the hell?" look) Anyways, I got a call from an informant.
BEN: And they said to meet here? Isn't that kind of….
CASSIDY: Dangerous?
BEN: I was going to say kinky, but sure that too.
CASSIDY: Don't worry. I've paged everyone for back up just in case. (pauses) So, how come we haven't burst into a duet yet?
BEN: (shrugs) Maybe we have nothing to hide from each other.
BOTH: (mutter) Right.
(loud noise)
CASSIDY: Hold me back, Ben…
BEN: Sweet! Benji scores tonight!
KRYCEK: Not so fast…(appears on the second floor and walks down)
CASSIDY: (roles eyes) The prodigal son returns.
KRYCEK and BEN: (exchange "what the hell?" looks)
CASSIDY: What the hell do you want?
KRYCEK: Just thought you could give me a little information as to why I burst into a full orchestra swing ensemble piece over a box of cheerios.
CASSIDY: Me? I thought YOU were my informant.
KRYCEK: (shrugs) What are you gonna do?!
CASSIDY: Okay. This whole thing is starting to irritate me…you'd better go before I…I…
KRYCEK: burst?
BEN: INTO FLAMES?!
KRYCEK: (suddenly takes on English accent) No you ninny, into song—
57 CASSIDY
I died, so many years ago
Why won't you leave me be?
Just leave me alone
If I'm such a plague to you
Why won't you let it go?
Oh…
You feel
The need to be alarmed
Don't always got a back up plan
That's how you lost your arm
Your pretending spy versus spy
Can get you in such harm
That's great
But I don't want to play
I'm sick of all your back stabbings
I'm tired of your games
I can't speak good Russian, so in English, let me say:
Let me rest in peace!
Let me rest in peace!
Let me get some sleep!
Let me take my past and bury in a hole six feet deep!
I can lie and say I'm okay
And I've found my sweet release!
But let me rest in peace!
KRYCEK: It's not all my fault you know.
BEN: Don't look at me!
BOTH: Shaddup.
58 KRYCEK
You know
I wasn't half this bad
Til this prom queen stormed in my life
"Spying's just a fad"
If you don't stop,
I'm going to pop
You haven't seen me mad
So let me rest in peace!
I know, I should go
But I follow you, 'cause we need each other
Even though we despise and loathe one another
You even look a lot like our late mother
Hey I got to protect you 'cause I'm your big brother!
59 BOTH
But I can't breathe! You've got me smothered!
So leave me be!
And let me rest in peace!
Let me get some sleep!
Let me take my past and bury it in a hole six feet deep!
I know I said I won't hurt you
But I'm feeling a release!
So let me rest in peace!
Let me rest in peace!
(long pause)
BEN: God, I'd really hate to come to your family reunions.
(doors suddenly close)
CASSIDY: Very funny, Alex.
KRYCEK: Uh, don't look at me.
(suddenly, men and bunnies galore storm the warehouse!)
BEN: (girly scream) BUNNIES! (jumps into Cassidy's arms)
CASSIDY: (drops him and hisses) Derek.
DEREK: Smiles everyone.
KRYCEK: So your behind this.
DEREK: What the bunnies? Yes, but sadly, not the singing. It's a pity someone thought it up. I'm actually quite jealous.
CASSIDY: The violins are playing, I'm sure.
DEREK: Just for you three, actually.
KRYCEK, CASS, BEN: eep.
(Derek, embarrassed as hell, begins to tap dance)
60 DEREK
(grabs CASSIDY as the men and bunnies surround KRYCEK and BEN)
Why'd you run away?
Don't you like my dance?
I recall a time, you wanted to
Get in my pants!
Don't you miss our heart and soul connection?
Okay, we just did it, but we still had affection!
Why don't you stay a while?
And entertain your fans!
You're the hottest thing
Well, second to me
When you got to sing
Let your hormones go free!
I don't know who cast these strange ditties
But we've let loose all our little gritty
Secrets now, why don't we just party on
'Cause I know what you feel girl,
I know just what you feel girl
BEN: So these are good bunnies? Bringing the fun in?
KRYCEK: He never said that, moron.
61 DEREK
Hah.
(points to Ben)
All these petty things, they go on too long (turns back)
You need someone who'll always come on strong
All those hearts lay open – that must sting
We're meant to be so won't you please wear my ring?
Don't waste a second chance, life is but a song
You're the reason I'm still in this town
And I'm dying to move on and go down
(awkward)
Back we will go to snow filled Chicago
It's where you want to go
'Cause I know what you want girl
62 CASSIDY
No you see, it can't be
This whole sitch just can't be true
63 DEREK
I can make you feel, girl
64 CASSIDY
What I mean, I'm nineteen
And I have no love for you
DEREK
64.1 Now I've played nice for your own boost
Now what the hell is your damn excuse?
65 CASSIDY
(uncomfortable)
Please let go, 'cause you know
I feel like I'm in a cage
66 DEREK
Something's cooking, something you're not saying
So help me girl, if you do not stop playing
67 CASSIDY
I refuse, to amuse
And reveal that I am engaged
(silence)
CASSIDY: Uh…uh…to the….the BUNNY!!
RANDOM BUNNY:…Or perhaps a midget?
DEREK: Engaged?….(looks to Ben, mad) Engaged! Hmph… (starts to laugh) What's a wedding without…the bride and groom? Or the guests?
CASSIDY: Huh?
ALL THREE:…uh-oh.
68 DEREK
Now we're partying
That's what it's all about!
DEREK: Take them away! (The trio get locked in a tiny dark room)
CASSIDY: Ick. Mulch. What are you going to do huh? Ehe…WHAT?!
KRYCEK: Engaged?!
BEN: (whines) I thought we weren't going to tell them yet!
KRYCEK: Engaged?! That leads to…m…m…m….and then to….ch…ch…ch… you can't! I forbid you! I am putting my fist down! (waves prosthetic arm threateningly)
CASSIDY: (angry) Oh right. Mister authority figure can do anything. Oh right, except CLAPPING!
BEN: (yells to outside) Can I get a separate cell please?
CASSIDY: I'm going to be FINE on my own if you just gave me some space! (goes to BEN)
69 KRYCEK
You're not ready for the world outside
You keep pretending everything's alright
And I may threatened to be standing at your side
But I…
You may be vapid, you may be young
But at your age, I was way more dumb
And maybe this one-armed man has finally sung
That I…
I wish I could be the brother
You wanted me to be
Wish I could be the one who
Finally set you free
Wish I could show emotion
But now I clearly see
That I am standing in your way
(to Ben)
I know your brainwashed by society
But if you love her, it's okay with me
Cause you're deserving as deserving can be
But I… (turns back)
Wish I could've been there for you
For all those awkward years
Wish I could scare your demons
Annihilate your fears
Wish I could walk you down
That aisle full of tears
But I'm just standing in the way
Just standing in the way
(cut to simultaneous scene of RUPURT MURDOCH (!) watching his ratings go higher and higher!)
70 RUPERT
They're under our spell
God how can this be?
I found quality TV!
This network's been through hell
Oh, the irony
No more David Duchovny! (frolicks)
You make me believe!
(door suddenly slams and David Duchovny walks in)
DAVID: I've changed my mind! FOX needs me! Humanity needs me!
RUPERT: What? You can't do that! Your departure has left open a window of opportunity! A "WOO" if you will!
DAVID: Yeah well, the film career I had hoped for…well…one word: Evolution. I'm back in business! (hands him contract and runs away)
RUPERT: (cries after him) But Evolution was a decent movie! (sob) Not now! We have the viewers AND the critics under our spell! UNDER OUR SPELL!
71 KRYCEK RUPERT
(to Cassidy) (to ratings)
Believe me, I don't want to go Believe me, I don't want to go
And it'll grieve me 'cause And it'll grieve me 'cause I
I need you so need you so
We both know We both know
Wish I could be the brother Wish I could say that it was
You wanted me to be Always this way but I can't
Wish I had beat up Derek lie that bad I never thought
And finally set you free David would be a working
71.1 Wish I could… dad…Wish I could
Stay…
Wish I could stay here
Wish I could stay here
Wish I could stay.
(Rupert breaks down crying and so does Krycek)
BEN: I've never seen a man cry so hard before.
RANDOM BUNNY: All those years of torment…
BEN: GAAAAAAH! (jumps into Cassidy's arms)
72 Scene 6
(A montage of Scully and Doggett walking, of Reyes sharpening a butcher's knife, and of Skinner hiding under his desk)
DOGGETT: Uh, Agent Scully, you know, we could've driven that car we were just in.
SCULLY: Yeah, but walking has a more dramatic effect.
DOGGETT: Touche.
(cut to REYES)
REYES: No one steals my man. Isn't that right Mr. Pointy? Yes, it is! Yes it is! (Mr. Pointy emerges as a pet rottweiler)
(cut to SKINNER)
SKINNER: (eating pork under his desk) I feel so guilty. (pause) But I'm not Jewish. Hmm… Shouldn't I be doing something …. (pause) Oh. Right. (suddenly runs off)
(cut to…)
CASSIDY: I don't think anyone's coming to get us. Maybe no one listens to me after all. Huh, Benji?
BENJI: (rocking himself in a corner) Bunny, Bunny, Bunny…I made it out of clay…
KRYCEK and CASSIDY: (exchange looks)
(cut to…)
(MULDER walks up to the nearest puddle. Suddenly, out emerges Shannon.)
SHANNON: Is it time for the shameful guest appearance yet?
MULDER: I'd say so.
(start to walk together)
MULDER: You do realize that you're totally not wearing proper..uh…attire, right?
SHANNON: Damn straight,
MULDER: (shrugs) Hey whatever works for you.
(cut to)
CASSIDY: Maybe if we just figured out what was behind this…
KRYCEK: Or who…
BEN: Or maybe…what?
KRYCEK and CASSIDY: (pretend they didn't hear that)
(cut to)
73 SHANNON
I touch the fire
And it's fine with me
I look into it
Feel capable
I may be buoyant
But I'm not shy and coy and
Also inflammable
Now through the smoke they call to me
To them I walk, or swim, or lug
Why do I do it? Well there is nothing to it
It's just a TV plug
So I will walk through the fire
FOX has nowhere to turn
I will walk through the fire
Ratings will---
74 REYES
The grudge I bear is controlling me
Do I understand the facts?
The bitch will fry, and Skinner will be mine!
I should've brought an axe…
75 DEREK
'Cause they are drawn to the fire REYES
Will FOX ever learn? Some networks never learn
They are drawn to the fire They are drawn to the fire
Ratings will--- Ratings will---
76 SKINNER
How come Reyes's is getting stranger?
Are my agents all in danger?
Will my job insurance cover this?
77 DOGGETT
Will I get some when we've won?
78 SCULLY
Maybe when the show is done
There are rules and Murdoch's got a list
79 ALL but DEREK
In 60 minutes
We'll get through 'cause we are in it and
We'll walk through the fire…
80 DEREK
So one by one they come to me
To fight and scorn, to bare their teeth
But while they fight
They're all set to die
This February 14th
81 SHANNON DEREK
He's a plotter's protégé So one by one …
82 MULDER
I always knew he was gay!
83 SHANNON CASSIDY
No you fool, that means he's just evil Going through the motions
MULDER: Oh.
84 REYES
I'll get Skinner back today!
85 CASSIDY DEREK
Hey today is Cupid's Day! It's what they have inside
Is love the reason we've lost our will?
(All the others stand at different entrances of the warehouse)
86 SHANNON DEREK
This final days are finally ending in a haze They will come…to me
87 ALL
'Cause we are caught in the fire
It's what Murdoch yearns
We are caught in the fire
Ratings will burn
Burn
Let them burn!
(in a montage, SHANNON and MULDER, DOGGETT and SCULLY, SKINNER, and REYES kick down different doors and enter)
REYES: SCULLY!
SCULLY: MULDER!
SKINNER: REYES?!
DOGGETT: SKINNER?!
CASSIDY: (kicks down door)
MULDER: Marisa?
(silence)
(Everyone is surrounded by the men and guns and the bunnies with guns…yes they have guns too! What do you think they were threatening everyone with?!)
CASSIDY: Stop! Reyes! Put the knife down! Doggett! Stop groping Scully! Everyone! STOP! I think I know what's going on here…
SHANNON: Enlighten us.
CASSIDY: Today is February 14th! Valentine's Day! Someone must have cast some love spell and it went horribly wrong.
(silence)
DEREK: Kill them.
BEN: Wait!! Wait!! Wait-…uh….(raises hand)…I…well…I just wanted to know how the true feelings about the engagement
DOGGETT: (look to KRYCEK and BEN) You too are getting married? Good for you!
KRYCEK: Not ME! Him and HER!
DEREK: Alright! Enough of this! KILL THEM ALL!
OUTSIDE VOICES: Not so fast!
DEREK: What the he---
(WB executives storm the warehouse with even BIGGER guns and even BIGGER bunnies…with guns of course)
WB exec #1: You've stolen something that's been copyrighted! You must pay the price! WB style!
MULDER: Wha? That's insane! UPN owns the rights to Buffy:The Vampire Slayer now!
WB exec #2: (winces) Don't remind me. Dispose of them all.
SHANNON: Hey, we're FOX characters; you can't get rid of us.
REYES: Yeah. Guns can't REALLY harm us.
WB exec #3: But shameless cross-overs can…JOSHUA!
(Pacey from Dawson's Creek enters. Theme plays in the background.)
PACEY: Hey Cass…umm…I was thinking…you know, I'm opposed to all the vexatious and mean spirited convolution occurring momentarily and thought that perhaps it would be opportunistic of you and me to facetiously strut out of here and…end up post-coitus?
(silence)
CASSIDY: I think that was a pick up line…but I'm not sure.
DEREK: Okay, I know we're not the best of friends but c'mon. Without Buffy, the WB is nothing! FOX Scoobies?
ALL: Right…
(Cassidy and Reyes run to the upper level while Scully and Shannon stay on the bottom and start kicking ass with the boys)
88 CASSIDY
Life's a show
And even if it sucks
We still get owed the bucks
And you'll all end up fu—(Reyes shuts her mouth)
89 REYES
It's alright
If we just stay in line
We're still in season nine
And we're doing just fine!
90 SHANNON
Where there's us (punch) there's hope
We can save (kick) a show
91 SCULLY
We've done it (hit) before
Look at sea-(punch) –son four!
92 FOUR
Work hard, all day
93 CASSIDY
Can't be like other shows!
When you're hired you got to know
94 SHANNON
This is X-Files
This is X-files
It doesn't have to make any sense
95 ALL
Aaahh….ahhh…
96 REYES
No, it doesn't have to make any sense
97 ALL
Ahhhh…..ahhh
98 KRYCEK
Life's a show
And it can be a dog
The lighting, you will hog
When your director's God
99 MULDER
Still it's true
We're lured through this by bait and
This contract, it is saying
It is signed by Satan!
100 SKINNER
All the lies (punch) we sell
'Cause ratings aren't (kick) so well
101 DOGGETT
They soon got (punch) too weak
Around sea-(kick) –son three
At least, to me
(At this point, almost all of the WB execs have been chased out or beaten up. Including Joshua Jackson ~yippee!~)
102 CASSIDY
On if they understand
There are labour laws in this land!
103 BEN
They can't reprimand!
What they always demand!
104 MULDER
There was no pain
No hurt or blaze
Til they put us on
Sundays
So that's what we say
It's all a haze
'Cause they put us on
Sundays
So give us something to act about!
Please give us something to act about!
105 SCULLY
(runs to him)
Life's not a show
Life is not FOX
Nor a TV box
It's living
You'll always be free
You're you, I can see
Just Dave Duchovny
You're living
(silence. Everyone looks around the room. The WB execs are gone. Everything's cleared up. It's just been one big misunderstanding. And so, finally our last spoof son--)
DEREK: Whoa whoa whoa, just hold on a minute. Nothing's been cleared up.
REYES: I still want to kill Scully!
BEN: I still need to get married!
KRYCEK: (points to Shannon) Anyone else see that this lady is awfully nude?
DOGGETT and DEREK: (whine) We want to get some!
KRYCEK: Well, I don't MEAN awfully because…
SHANNON: Shaddup.
KRYCEK: Done and done.
(Everyone starts to bicker)
106 CASSIDY
106.1 Where do we go from here? BEN
106.2 Where do we go from here? Where do we go from here?
107 MULDER
Well the battle's won
And Murdoch's done SHANNON
107.1 So we sound our victory cheer So we sound our victory cheer
108 ALL
Where do we go from here?
109 REYES and SKINNER
109.1 This musical's unclear
Tone deaf, the writer can't hear
(Hey! I'm not an auditory learner!!)
110 ALL
We're right back where we might have been
Hey! Let's move to UPN!
Oh yeah…
That's where we go from here!!!
That's where we go….from here!!!!
(pause)
SKINNER: I have a question.
CASS: Yes?
SKINNER: Will it be a Jewish wedding?
THE END!
111
112
Or
A Shamelessly Ripped Off Buffy Musical!
CAST: Cassidy Adamsom (Yelena Krycek), Ben, Derek, Dana Scully, Alex Krycek, Walter Skinner, John Doggett, Monica Reyes, Brad Follmer, and a bevy of those characters we love so much we can't resist making fun of!
Scene 1: FBI Building. We watch everyone go about their daily routine i.e. Scully and Doggett in the office, Monica at the computer, etc. Complete silence until Cassidy boards an elevator and it opens, where she breaks out into song.
1 CASSIDY
Every single day, the same old routine, walk about and file the files
(walks out of the elevator and towards AD Skinner's office)
Still the MIB have their same old scheme, no one questions them about E.T. bile
(slams files on secretary's desk and sits down couch)
They've been getting high on making lies
That endanger my life
So I've been going through the motions
(suddenly stands up)
Saying I'm alright
No reason to put up a…
(secretary motions her to be quiet)
Fight…
(music pause. She rolls her eyes and decides to storm the office where A.D.s Skinner, Kersh and Follmer are seated.)
2 SECRETARY
Hey! They're in a meeting!
3 CASSIDY
(continues and stand up on the desk)
I thought it was cool to know a killer, now I think it ain't so great
Trialed by the court, you find yourself being used as bait
4 SKINNER
4.1 Wanted in 10 states
(pause)
CASSIDY
It's not a family trait
(is carried off the desk by the three)
5 FOLLMER, SKINNER and KERSH
She is pretty spry with lethal guys
But lately we can tell
She's just going through the motions
Doing it somehow
6 FOLLMER
Rumour is, those aren't her real---(gets slapped) OW….
7 CASSIDY
(runs out of the office and waits for the elevator to open)
7.1 The problems, there are way too many?
Will he chase me til I'm twenty?
8 OFF CAMERA VOICE
8.1 OH MY GOD! THEY JUST KILLED KENNY!
9 CASSIDY
9.1 Better him than me!
9.2 I'm just going through the motions, living the same lie
I don't want to know
How far it's gonna go
I'm just an intern ho!
But I still want to be….
ALIVE!!!
(Elevator finally opens up. Cassidy steps in.)
Random worker: Alive doesn't rhyme with—
Cassidy: Shaddup.
(elevator closes)
Scene 2: Doggett and Scully's office. Reyes is there as well at the computer. Doggett hangs up a phone.
Doggett: (pause) Is it just me or is---
Reyes: (interrupts anxiously) everyone bursting out in song and dance, revealing their inner, darkest secrets to all but strangers on the street?
Doggett: Actually, I was gonna ask if anyone else felt the draft but, sure, that too.
Reyes: Oh.
Scully: (sifting through files) So Agent Doggett, what did you sing about?
Doggett: What? Me? I don't sing. Nor am I the dancing type.
Cassidy: (walks in) Then why did I see you doing the macerena outside your car?
Doggett: Eh…heh..….you're fired.
Reyes: What do you think it could be Agent Scully?
Scully: Please. Everyone's just in a jovial mood…maybe it's just—
10 REYES
(suddenly hops out from her seat)
I've got a theory.
It could be Satan.
It's my department, so I think that I would know!
11 SCULLY
I've got a theory
It may be fate an'
There's nothing paranormal, let's not waste more dough
12 CASSIDY
12.1 I've got a theory we should dig and see
13 DOGGETT & CASSIDY
'Cause this could be a stunt done by a conspiracy
14 SKINNER
(runs in to join)
It could be FOX guys!
Some evil FOX guys!
Which is ridiculous 'cause Rupurt Murdoch is my God, he sends my kids to college, FOX rules and I'll stand over here (winks to the camera)
14.1 CASSIDY
14.2 I've got a theory! It could be midgets!
(pause)
15 DOGGETT
I've got a the—
16 CASSIDY
16.1 Midgets aren't as cute as everybody supposes!
They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses!
And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyways?
MIDGETS! MIDGETS! IT MUST BE MIDGETS!
(silence)
Or maybe bunnies?
17 DOGGETT & SCULLY
17.1 I've got a theory we should fix this thing
'Cause half this cast can't dance judging from how they sing
18 REYES
18.1 I've got a theo—
19 BENJAMIN
(walks in puts an arm around Cassidy)
It doesn't matter
What's can't we face if we're together?
Aliens, we've got them all weathered
UFOS
The future holds
We won't know
Til we implode
(silence)
With…love?
20 ALL
What's in this world that we can't get passed?
We'll open a giant can of whoop-ass
We gotta stop
This singalong
It's so wrong
21 SCULLY
21.1 I'm still a single mom
22 ALL (stand up and gather in a circle! KOOM-BI-YAY!)
22.1 What can't we complete if we don't try?
Our contracts guarantee we don't die
There's nothing we can't face…
23 CASSIDY
23.1 Except for Rupurt Murdoch….. I mean, midgets!
(they end all hugging each other)
SCULLY: That's not my shoulder Agent Doggett.
(Everyone slowly backs away from each other)
REYES: Maybe we should uh, split up into teams…figure what the hell this thing is.
SKINNER: Right. Reyes and I will stay here. Scully and Doggett can go investigate. (makes eyes at Reyes)
REYES: (holds back her breakfast)
DOGGETT: Yeah, I think that would be a good idea. (Scully nods and the two of them grab their coats and head out.)
REYES: That's not my shoulder, A.D. Skinner.
SKINNER: That isn't my hand.
(BENJAMIN and CASSIDY slowly slip away from the office)
Scene 1: Parking lot. DOGGETT and SCULLY are exiting the building
DOGGETT: Ah, this is nice. I like spending time alone with you Agent Scully.
SCULLY: You always spend time alone with me, Agent Doggett.
DOGGETT: Why not call me John?
SCULLY: 'Cause it's a dumb ass name.
DOGGETT: (huffy) Oh, like Fox is any better?!
SCULLY: Do I detect a hint of jealously?
DOGGETT: Well, no…yes…I mean…Agent Scully…Dana…I…
SCULLY: Let me guess…
24 SCULLY
24.1 You lived your life in shadow, never the light on your face
You lived like a damn hermit, you figured that was your place
Now here you've been lead
You're falling for a red-head!
Your under my spell
You just can't confess, I'm your FBI goddess
Your nervous I can tell
Nothing's more sexy than chasing down an E.B.E
You saw a world enchanted, magic unfold everywhere
Admit it, you just want to get into my underwear!
But love and work? God knows
We'll end up on Jenny Jones!
Your under my spell
I'm just so exotic 'cause autopsies are so erotic!
You looked and then you fell
But that's alright with me
I'm looking for my child's daddy!
I made you believe!!
A moon to the ti—
DOGGETT: Actually, Agent Scully, I was just gonna tell you you looked hot today.
SCULLY: (stops singing and dancing about) Oh. Well. Then….Wanna make out in the back seat of your car?
DOGGETT: Damn straight!
(runs off screen)
Scene 4: In Scully's office.
REYES: Ugh. Skinner, your on my lap.
SKINNER: I can't help it. (pause) You know you want me.
REYES: WHAT?! (sarcastic) Oh baby. The undying attraction. Uh-uh. Work it.
SKINNER: Damn straight! (attempts to jump her)
REYES: Whoa whoa whoa, sarcasm, buddy. You're just a … little too feminine for my likings, buddy.
SKINNER: But I thought that's how you liked your…significant others! It was water cooler gossip! Just that! I—
25 REYES(turns to camera)
26 This is the man who I plan to sue later
27 Isn't he gross?
28 High in the day when his wife is away
29 But later morose
30 But now if I should quell
31 He kinda looks like a good sell
32 He's kinda cute—hey? WHAT THE HELL!?! (looks surprised at herself)
33 I'll never tell!
(rants)
SKINNER (turns to camera)
She is the one, such wonderful fun, she's one of a kind
A nice tight…embrace, and her face doesn't show a day past forty nine!
REYES: I'm thirty four.
SKINNER: Oh.
34 SKINNER
Although she's kind of odd
And one hell of a creepy broad
I think I'll just sit, smile and nod
'Cause I'll never tell
35 BOTH
(look away from each other)
'Cause there's nothing to tell
36 REYES
(stands up)
He's sweet
37 SKINNER
She's insane
38 REYES
Don't care if he got no mane
SKINNER
Now I finally understand that I've been wrong
39 REYES
I never saw it
40 SKINNER
I'm glad I finally fought it
41 REYES
What the hell have I been missing all along?
42 BOTH
The vibe gets kind of scary
43 SKINNER
(sarcastic)
Like she'll ever want to marry
44 REYES
I don't care if he ain't hairy
45 SKINNER
Hey! My crush was temporary!
46 BOTH
We're both goin' to hell
So Thank God I'll never tell!
47 REYES
When things got colder
He hid behind his Mulder
But now he cannot shoulder
The FBI blow
48 SKINNER
They want to can me
Reyes voice sounds really manly
She—
49 REYES
49.1 I want a family!
50 SKINNER
This is my verse, hello?!
She—
51 REYES
(starts filing)
Look at me! I'm filing CRAZY!!!
(dance interlude with the oyvan, and the filing and the layden, and the dancing and OY my ulcer!)
52 BOTH
You know…
53 REYES
(dips him)
You're not so smarmy
54 SKINNER
(scared)
Please, God, don't harm me
55 REYES
You're the cutest of the cast and
I want to jump you fast
And your firm yet supple—
Never mind!
(starts chasing him around the room)
SKINNER: Agent Reyes! STOP! QUIT IT, BART, QUIT IT!! (runs out of the room, screaming like a little girl)
56 REYES
He's swell
And oh hell
Would I like to ring his bell
Too bad his focus no longer lies within me
But what if
He gets into a tiff
That will destroy relations with his dear Scully!
That's it!
It's got to be!
That "if"
Is darling Agent Scully
If I break their little rendez-vous
Then he's gotta fall back for me soon!
To get back my own dear Skinner
I may even have to kill her
Am I crazy?
Should I hurt her?
Do I really gotta murder?
Hey, if Walter comes right back to me then it's all very well!
But thank God I'll never tell!
I'll swear I'll never tell!
My lips are sealed….
(grabs stapler menacingly)
I take the fifth…
Nothing to see…move it along..
I'll never…
REYES: (loudly) I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, AGENT SCULLY! (runs off. Then runs back in sheepishly to grab the stapler and runs off again)
Scene 5: Warehouse. Cassidy and Ben walk in.
BEN: Ooo…kind of kinky. I like it.
CASSIDY: Keep it in your pants, Benji.
BEN: (looks around) I told you not to call me that in public!
CASSIDY: ("what the hell?" look) Anyways, I got a call from an informant.
BEN: And they said to meet here? Isn't that kind of….
CASSIDY: Dangerous?
BEN: I was going to say kinky, but sure that too.
CASSIDY: Don't worry. I've paged everyone for back up just in case. (pauses) So, how come we haven't burst into a duet yet?
BEN: (shrugs) Maybe we have nothing to hide from each other.
BOTH: (mutter) Right.
(loud noise)
CASSIDY: Hold me back, Ben…
BEN: Sweet! Benji scores tonight!
KRYCEK: Not so fast…(appears on the second floor and walks down)
CASSIDY: (roles eyes) The prodigal son returns.
KRYCEK and BEN: (exchange "what the hell?" looks)
CASSIDY: What the hell do you want?
KRYCEK: Just thought you could give me a little information as to why I burst into a full orchestra swing ensemble piece over a box of cheerios.
CASSIDY: Me? I thought YOU were my informant.
KRYCEK: (shrugs) What are you gonna do?!
CASSIDY: Okay. This whole thing is starting to irritate me…you'd better go before I…I…
KRYCEK: burst?
BEN: INTO FLAMES?!
KRYCEK: (suddenly takes on English accent) No you ninny, into song—
57 CASSIDY
I died, so many years ago
Why won't you leave me be?
Just leave me alone
If I'm such a plague to you
Why won't you let it go?
Oh…
You feel
The need to be alarmed
Don't always got a back up plan
That's how you lost your arm
Your pretending spy versus spy
Can get you in such harm
That's great
But I don't want to play
I'm sick of all your back stabbings
I'm tired of your games
I can't speak good Russian, so in English, let me say:
Let me rest in peace!
Let me rest in peace!
Let me get some sleep!
Let me take my past and bury in a hole six feet deep!
I can lie and say I'm okay
And I've found my sweet release!
But let me rest in peace!
KRYCEK: It's not all my fault you know.
BEN: Don't look at me!
BOTH: Shaddup.
58 KRYCEK
You know
I wasn't half this bad
Til this prom queen stormed in my life
"Spying's just a fad"
If you don't stop,
I'm going to pop
You haven't seen me mad
So let me rest in peace!
I know, I should go
But I follow you, 'cause we need each other
Even though we despise and loathe one another
You even look a lot like our late mother
Hey I got to protect you 'cause I'm your big brother!
59 BOTH
But I can't breathe! You've got me smothered!
So leave me be!
And let me rest in peace!
Let me get some sleep!
Let me take my past and bury it in a hole six feet deep!
I know I said I won't hurt you
But I'm feeling a release!
So let me rest in peace!
Let me rest in peace!
(long pause)
BEN: God, I'd really hate to come to your family reunions.
(doors suddenly close)
CASSIDY: Very funny, Alex.
KRYCEK: Uh, don't look at me.
(suddenly, men and bunnies galore storm the warehouse!)
BEN: (girly scream) BUNNIES! (jumps into Cassidy's arms)
CASSIDY: (drops him and hisses) Derek.
DEREK: Smiles everyone.
KRYCEK: So your behind this.
DEREK: What the bunnies? Yes, but sadly, not the singing. It's a pity someone thought it up. I'm actually quite jealous.
CASSIDY: The violins are playing, I'm sure.
DEREK: Just for you three, actually.
KRYCEK, CASS, BEN: eep.
(Derek, embarrassed as hell, begins to tap dance)
60 DEREK
(grabs CASSIDY as the men and bunnies surround KRYCEK and BEN)
Why'd you run away?
Don't you like my dance?
I recall a time, you wanted to
Get in my pants!
Don't you miss our heart and soul connection?
Okay, we just did it, but we still had affection!
Why don't you stay a while?
And entertain your fans!
You're the hottest thing
Well, second to me
When you got to sing
Let your hormones go free!
I don't know who cast these strange ditties
But we've let loose all our little gritty
Secrets now, why don't we just party on
'Cause I know what you feel girl,
I know just what you feel girl
BEN: So these are good bunnies? Bringing the fun in?
KRYCEK: He never said that, moron.
61 DEREK
Hah.
(points to Ben)
All these petty things, they go on too long (turns back)
You need someone who'll always come on strong
All those hearts lay open – that must sting
We're meant to be so won't you please wear my ring?
Don't waste a second chance, life is but a song
You're the reason I'm still in this town
And I'm dying to move on and go down
(awkward)
Back we will go to snow filled Chicago
It's where you want to go
'Cause I know what you want girl
62 CASSIDY
No you see, it can't be
This whole sitch just can't be true
63 DEREK
I can make you feel, girl
64 CASSIDY
What I mean, I'm nineteen
And I have no love for you
DEREK
64.1 Now I've played nice for your own boost
Now what the hell is your damn excuse?
65 CASSIDY
(uncomfortable)
Please let go, 'cause you know
I feel like I'm in a cage
66 DEREK
Something's cooking, something you're not saying
So help me girl, if you do not stop playing
67 CASSIDY
I refuse, to amuse
And reveal that I am engaged
(silence)
CASSIDY: Uh…uh…to the….the BUNNY!!
RANDOM BUNNY:…Or perhaps a midget?
DEREK: Engaged?….(looks to Ben, mad) Engaged! Hmph… (starts to laugh) What's a wedding without…the bride and groom? Or the guests?
CASSIDY: Huh?
ALL THREE:…uh-oh.
68 DEREK
Now we're partying
That's what it's all about!
DEREK: Take them away! (The trio get locked in a tiny dark room)
CASSIDY: Ick. Mulch. What are you going to do huh? Ehe…WHAT?!
KRYCEK: Engaged?!
BEN: (whines) I thought we weren't going to tell them yet!
KRYCEK: Engaged?! That leads to…m…m…m….and then to….ch…ch…ch… you can't! I forbid you! I am putting my fist down! (waves prosthetic arm threateningly)
CASSIDY: (angry) Oh right. Mister authority figure can do anything. Oh right, except CLAPPING!
BEN: (yells to outside) Can I get a separate cell please?
CASSIDY: I'm going to be FINE on my own if you just gave me some space! (goes to BEN)
69 KRYCEK
You're not ready for the world outside
You keep pretending everything's alright
And I may threatened to be standing at your side
But I…
You may be vapid, you may be young
But at your age, I was way more dumb
And maybe this one-armed man has finally sung
That I…
I wish I could be the brother
You wanted me to be
Wish I could be the one who
Finally set you free
Wish I could show emotion
But now I clearly see
That I am standing in your way
(to Ben)
I know your brainwashed by society
But if you love her, it's okay with me
Cause you're deserving as deserving can be
But I… (turns back)
Wish I could've been there for you
For all those awkward years
Wish I could scare your demons
Annihilate your fears
Wish I could walk you down
That aisle full of tears
But I'm just standing in the way
Just standing in the way
(cut to simultaneous scene of RUPURT MURDOCH (!) watching his ratings go higher and higher!)
70 RUPERT
They're under our spell
God how can this be?
I found quality TV!
This network's been through hell
Oh, the irony
No more David Duchovny! (frolicks)
You make me believe!
(door suddenly slams and David Duchovny walks in)
DAVID: I've changed my mind! FOX needs me! Humanity needs me!
RUPERT: What? You can't do that! Your departure has left open a window of opportunity! A "WOO" if you will!
DAVID: Yeah well, the film career I had hoped for…well…one word: Evolution. I'm back in business! (hands him contract and runs away)
RUPERT: (cries after him) But Evolution was a decent movie! (sob) Not now! We have the viewers AND the critics under our spell! UNDER OUR SPELL!
71 KRYCEK RUPERT
(to Cassidy) (to ratings)
Believe me, I don't want to go Believe me, I don't want to go
And it'll grieve me 'cause And it'll grieve me 'cause I
I need you so need you so
We both know We both know
Wish I could be the brother Wish I could say that it was
You wanted me to be Always this way but I can't
Wish I had beat up Derek lie that bad I never thought
And finally set you free David would be a working
71.1 Wish I could… dad…Wish I could
Stay…
Wish I could stay here
Wish I could stay here
Wish I could stay.
(Rupert breaks down crying and so does Krycek)
BEN: I've never seen a man cry so hard before.
RANDOM BUNNY: All those years of torment…
BEN: GAAAAAAH! (jumps into Cassidy's arms)
72 Scene 6
(A montage of Scully and Doggett walking, of Reyes sharpening a butcher's knife, and of Skinner hiding under his desk)
DOGGETT: Uh, Agent Scully, you know, we could've driven that car we were just in.
SCULLY: Yeah, but walking has a more dramatic effect.
DOGGETT: Touche.
(cut to REYES)
REYES: No one steals my man. Isn't that right Mr. Pointy? Yes, it is! Yes it is! (Mr. Pointy emerges as a pet rottweiler)
(cut to SKINNER)
SKINNER: (eating pork under his desk) I feel so guilty. (pause) But I'm not Jewish. Hmm… Shouldn't I be doing something …. (pause) Oh. Right. (suddenly runs off)
(cut to…)
CASSIDY: I don't think anyone's coming to get us. Maybe no one listens to me after all. Huh, Benji?
BENJI: (rocking himself in a corner) Bunny, Bunny, Bunny…I made it out of clay…
KRYCEK and CASSIDY: (exchange looks)
(cut to…)
(MULDER walks up to the nearest puddle. Suddenly, out emerges Shannon.)
SHANNON: Is it time for the shameful guest appearance yet?
MULDER: I'd say so.
(start to walk together)
MULDER: You do realize that you're totally not wearing proper..uh…attire, right?
SHANNON: Damn straight,
MULDER: (shrugs) Hey whatever works for you.
(cut to)
CASSIDY: Maybe if we just figured out what was behind this…
KRYCEK: Or who…
BEN: Or maybe…what?
KRYCEK and CASSIDY: (pretend they didn't hear that)
(cut to)
73 SHANNON
I touch the fire
And it's fine with me
I look into it
Feel capable
I may be buoyant
But I'm not shy and coy and
Also inflammable
Now through the smoke they call to me
To them I walk, or swim, or lug
Why do I do it? Well there is nothing to it
It's just a TV plug
So I will walk through the fire
FOX has nowhere to turn
I will walk through the fire
Ratings will---
74 REYES
The grudge I bear is controlling me
Do I understand the facts?
The bitch will fry, and Skinner will be mine!
I should've brought an axe…
75 DEREK
'Cause they are drawn to the fire REYES
Will FOX ever learn? Some networks never learn
They are drawn to the fire They are drawn to the fire
Ratings will--- Ratings will---
76 SKINNER
How come Reyes's is getting stranger?
Are my agents all in danger?
Will my job insurance cover this?
77 DOGGETT
Will I get some when we've won?
78 SCULLY
Maybe when the show is done
There are rules and Murdoch's got a list
79 ALL but DEREK
In 60 minutes
We'll get through 'cause we are in it and
We'll walk through the fire…
80 DEREK
So one by one they come to me
To fight and scorn, to bare their teeth
But while they fight
They're all set to die
This February 14th
81 SHANNON DEREK
He's a plotter's protégé So one by one …
82 MULDER
I always knew he was gay!
83 SHANNON CASSIDY
No you fool, that means he's just evil Going through the motions
MULDER: Oh.
84 REYES
I'll get Skinner back today!
85 CASSIDY DEREK
Hey today is Cupid's Day! It's what they have inside
Is love the reason we've lost our will?
(All the others stand at different entrances of the warehouse)
86 SHANNON DEREK
This final days are finally ending in a haze They will come…to me
87 ALL
'Cause we are caught in the fire
It's what Murdoch yearns
We are caught in the fire
Ratings will burn
Burn
Let them burn!
(in a montage, SHANNON and MULDER, DOGGETT and SCULLY, SKINNER, and REYES kick down different doors and enter)
REYES: SCULLY!
SCULLY: MULDER!
SKINNER: REYES?!
DOGGETT: SKINNER?!
CASSIDY: (kicks down door)
MULDER: Marisa?
(silence)
(Everyone is surrounded by the men and guns and the bunnies with guns…yes they have guns too! What do you think they were threatening everyone with?!)
CASSIDY: Stop! Reyes! Put the knife down! Doggett! Stop groping Scully! Everyone! STOP! I think I know what's going on here…
SHANNON: Enlighten us.
CASSIDY: Today is February 14th! Valentine's Day! Someone must have cast some love spell and it went horribly wrong.
(silence)
DEREK: Kill them.
BEN: Wait!! Wait!! Wait-…uh….(raises hand)…I…well…I just wanted to know how the true feelings about the engagement
DOGGETT: (look to KRYCEK and BEN) You too are getting married? Good for you!
KRYCEK: Not ME! Him and HER!
DEREK: Alright! Enough of this! KILL THEM ALL!
OUTSIDE VOICES: Not so fast!
DEREK: What the he---
(WB executives storm the warehouse with even BIGGER guns and even BIGGER bunnies…with guns of course)
WB exec #1: You've stolen something that's been copyrighted! You must pay the price! WB style!
MULDER: Wha? That's insane! UPN owns the rights to Buffy:The Vampire Slayer now!
WB exec #2: (winces) Don't remind me. Dispose of them all.
SHANNON: Hey, we're FOX characters; you can't get rid of us.
REYES: Yeah. Guns can't REALLY harm us.
WB exec #3: But shameless cross-overs can…JOSHUA!
(Pacey from Dawson's Creek enters. Theme plays in the background.)
PACEY: Hey Cass…umm…I was thinking…you know, I'm opposed to all the vexatious and mean spirited convolution occurring momentarily and thought that perhaps it would be opportunistic of you and me to facetiously strut out of here and…end up post-coitus?
(silence)
CASSIDY: I think that was a pick up line…but I'm not sure.
DEREK: Okay, I know we're not the best of friends but c'mon. Without Buffy, the WB is nothing! FOX Scoobies?
ALL: Right…
(Cassidy and Reyes run to the upper level while Scully and Shannon stay on the bottom and start kicking ass with the boys)
88 CASSIDY
Life's a show
And even if it sucks
We still get owed the bucks
And you'll all end up fu—(Reyes shuts her mouth)
89 REYES
It's alright
If we just stay in line
We're still in season nine
And we're doing just fine!
90 SHANNON
Where there's us (punch) there's hope
We can save (kick) a show
91 SCULLY
We've done it (hit) before
Look at sea-(punch) –son four!
92 FOUR
Work hard, all day
93 CASSIDY
Can't be like other shows!
When you're hired you got to know
94 SHANNON
This is X-Files
This is X-files
It doesn't have to make any sense
95 ALL
Aaahh….ahhh…
96 REYES
No, it doesn't have to make any sense
97 ALL
Ahhhh…..ahhh
98 KRYCEK
Life's a show
And it can be a dog
The lighting, you will hog
When your director's God
99 MULDER
Still it's true
We're lured through this by bait and
This contract, it is saying
It is signed by Satan!
100 SKINNER
All the lies (punch) we sell
'Cause ratings aren't (kick) so well
101 DOGGETT
They soon got (punch) too weak
Around sea-(kick) –son three
At least, to me
(At this point, almost all of the WB execs have been chased out or beaten up. Including Joshua Jackson ~yippee!~)
102 CASSIDY
On if they understand
There are labour laws in this land!
103 BEN
They can't reprimand!
What they always demand!
104 MULDER
There was no pain
No hurt or blaze
Til they put us on
Sundays
So that's what we say
It's all a haze
'Cause they put us on
Sundays
So give us something to act about!
Please give us something to act about!
105 SCULLY
(runs to him)
Life's not a show
Life is not FOX
Nor a TV box
It's living
You'll always be free
You're you, I can see
Just Dave Duchovny
You're living
(silence. Everyone looks around the room. The WB execs are gone. Everything's cleared up. It's just been one big misunderstanding. And so, finally our last spoof son--)
DEREK: Whoa whoa whoa, just hold on a minute. Nothing's been cleared up.
REYES: I still want to kill Scully!
BEN: I still need to get married!
KRYCEK: (points to Shannon) Anyone else see that this lady is awfully nude?
DOGGETT and DEREK: (whine) We want to get some!
KRYCEK: Well, I don't MEAN awfully because…
SHANNON: Shaddup.
KRYCEK: Done and done.
(Everyone starts to bicker)
106 CASSIDY
106.1 Where do we go from here? BEN
106.2 Where do we go from here? Where do we go from here?
107 MULDER
Well the battle's won
And Murdoch's done SHANNON
107.1 So we sound our victory cheer So we sound our victory cheer
108 ALL
Where do we go from here?
109 REYES and SKINNER
109.1 This musical's unclear
Tone deaf, the writer can't hear
(Hey! I'm not an auditory learner!!)
110 ALL
We're right back where we might have been
Hey! Let's move to UPN!
Oh yeah…
That's where we go from here!!!
That's where we go….from here!!!!
(pause)
SKINNER: I have a question.
CASS: Yes?
SKINNER: Will it be a Jewish wedding?
THE END!
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