I'm sorry it's taken so long, but I accidentally got good at Art of Fighting so now I don't have any inspiration for funny rage dialogue. This is pretty much fueled by memories of the bad experiences I had when I first got this game. Enjoy!
Ryo Sakazaki sat eagerly on his couch, bouncing nonstop in his excitement. He couldn't even watch his favorite tv show because he was so anxious for a certain package to arrive today that he had ordered a week ago.
"Come on..." he muttered as he put a hand to his ear and listened for the low rumble of the mail truck. Suddenly, he heard it: the too familiar humming of an engine.
"MAIL TRUCK!" he yelled, then darted out of the house.
"MAILTRUCKMAILTRUCKMAILTRUCKMAILTRUCK!"
By the time he sprinted to his mailbox, the truck had sped away to the next house. Terry quickly opened the flap and snatched the contents from within, one of which was a package wrapped in white plastic. Laughing with glee, he quickly ran inside the house and made his way to his sister Yuri's room.
"YURI! YURI!" Ryo yelled as he burst through her door. He looked around; she was nowhere in sight. He listened closely and heard the water running. The bathroom!
"YUUUUUURIIIIIIIII!" he yelled, bursting through the bathroom door and interrupting her shower.
"EEEK!" she squealed. "Ryo, this is my private time! Beating up a bunch of crooks and rescuing me doesn't give you permission to see me naked!"
"But Yuri! It caaaaaame" he said with a maniacal giggle. He ripped open the plastic and shoved the case through the curtain so Yuri could see.
"The Art of Fighting Video Game!" he yelled cheerily. He jumped up and down in place, unable to hold still.
"Wow, so they made our sad tale into a video game after all..." Yuri said flatly, rolling her eyes.
"Are you kidding? This is OUR tale, sis! OUR story! You should be proud!" Ryo said, pulling back the case. He then looked on the back.
"It has all three of our journeys on ONE disc!" he read. "Sooooo..." he said slowly, his eyebrow raised.
"...you gonna play it with me?"
"Well I would LOVE to" Yuri said, rolling her eyes. "But I'm going out with my hunk of a man, Robert. You know Ryo, I've been talking to King and she's pretty into you. Why don't you give her a call and we'll make it a double date?"
"You're kidding, right?" Ryo said, a bored expression on his face. "You're going out with Robert instead of reliving our legacy? I'm ashamed of you, sis."
"Yeah, I can live with that. Now get lost before I kick your ass! I've got to get dressed!"
Ryo walked out of Yuri's room, grumbling about how no one appreciates the Sakazaki legacy.
"Hmmm... well Yuri won't play with me. Maybe Dad will!"
He pulled out his cellphone and called his father, Takuma Sakazaki. The phone rang a few times before his father finally picked up. When he picked up, Ryo was blasted with loud techno music and he could hear people whooping in the background.
"Ryo? What is it?" he said in his gruff voice. "I'm in the middle of... very important training!"
"Hey Dad! I just wanted to tell you... uh, wow it sounds like you're doing some intense training."
"Yes! I am perfecting the most sacred arts of Kyoguken Karate! Now what do you need, son?"
"I just wanted to know if you wanted to come home and play the Art of Fighting Video Game with me!"
"Ummm... well I would love to son, but as I said, I'm in the middle of a strenuous exercise. So... I'll see you later. Bye!"
But after Takuma said goodbye, the noise was still coming through. Ryo heard a loud voice yell "Yeeeeah take it all off baby!" and it sounded much like his dad. Turning bright red, Ryo yelled into his phone.
"Dad! You forgot to end the call! DAAAAAAD!" but he got no response.
"Let me smack it one time, dirty girl!" Ryo heard his father yell. Ryo yelped and quickly tossed his phone into the sink and activated the garbage disposal.
"Whew... welp, guess it's just me then." Ryo said with a shrug. As he started for his room, he heard a car pull up. He looked out the window: it was his best friend Robert Garcia and his shiny red hot rod.
"HEY YURI YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HEEEERE!" Ryo screamed.
Robert walked in the house and gave Ryo a high five as he plopped onto the couch.
"Hey, what's that you're holding?" Robert asked his friend, pointing at the game.
"Oh, I'm glad you asked!" Ryo said cheerily. He tossed the game to Robert and he caught it.
"No way... they made a video game of us?!" Robert asked, observing the case left and right.
"I don't suppose you want to cancel your date and play it with me?" Ryo asked, making angel eyes.
"Heh, sorry bro. But I've been looking forward to this date with your sister. To be honest, I can't wait until we get back to my place and I can show her my other movelist."
"Aw dude! You don't have to tell me that!" Ryo yelled, facepalming.
"Hey, why don't you give King a call? She's pretty into you, bro. With all those kicks she does, I bet she can do some killer-"
"SHUT UP!" Ryo said, getting red faced. Robert laughed and put the game on the arm of the couch.
Yuri came out of her room wearing denim short shorts and a pink strapless tube top. When she saw Robert, a large smile formed and she ran into his arms and tackled him.
"Hey sexy." Robert cooed, snatching Yuri up and kissing her. Yuri laughed and punched Robert's shoulder until he put her down.
"So are you SURE you don't want to come with us?" Robert asked. "Just give her a call, dude."
"Forget it! You guys may not appreciate our legacy, but I do!" Ryo hissed. "Just go and have your little fun while I keep our name alive!"
"Your choice, bro." Yuri shrugged. She wrapped her arms around Robert's wrist as he waved and the two of them walked out of the house.
"Don't let Mr. Big beat you TOO much!" Yuri teased. They hopped in the car and sped off.
"Alright, let's do this!" Ryo yelled. He ran to his room and plopped the disc into his game console. The theme song played and he pressed start.
"I better start with easy..." Ryo muttered. He selected easy and was presented with only two choices for characters: Ryo or Robert.
"Hmmm... well what's the point in playing as myself? It could be fun to be Robert!"
And with that, Ryo selected his best friend and the game started. The first fight was against Ryukaku Todoh.
WARNING: INTENSE LANGUAGE BEYOND THIS POINT.
"Oh, it's old man Todoh!" Ryo exclaimed. "Hmm... I wonder what happened to him after I kicked his ass the first time. He just up and left and then his hot daughter took over."
The fight started and Ryo just mashed buttons to get a feel for the controls. He punched and kicked, which seemed to be effective since Todoh was the first opponent and didn't block much. Todoh got him once with the Kasane Ate, but Robert low kicked him a few more times and Ryo won the round.
"Okay, round two." Ryo said aloud. The fight started and Robert jumped forward, but Todoh knocked him out of the air with a kick.
"Damn it, let's try a special move. Let's see, quarter circle forward..."
Robert unleashed a fireball that struck Todoh and caused him to be dizzy.
"YES! Okay, now to get him while he's dizzy. Spirit Kick!"
Ryo pressed forward back forward and C, but Robert just did a normal kick.
"Hey, asshole! I said Spirit Kick!"
Ryo tried it again, but the game couldn't register his input.
"Damn it, these controls are so f***ing bad!"
Todoh recovered from the dizziness and used Kasane Ate, which nearly depleted Robert's health bar.
"Oh shit! Uhhh down back, forward..."
Robert zoomed forward with a Flying Heat that took down Todoh for good.
"YEAH! SUCK ON THAT, MOUSTACHE! GO CRY TO YOUR DAUGHTER WITH FREAKY BLUE HAIR!"
The next fight was Jack.
"Ha! Like I could possibly lose to this fatty?! Jack is that stereotypical meathead in action movies that tries to start shit at a bar and always gets his ass kicked by the hero!"
Robert launched a fireball, but Jack leaped over it and smashed into him with a devastating Drop Kick. As soon as Robert got up, Jack came forward with a sliding kick that knocked him down just as quick as he got to his feet.
"Damn it, my health bar is almost empty after two attacks?!"
Luckily Jack's energy bar was depleted, so he couldn't do anymore special moves.
"Now I've got you, meathead!"
Robert leaped forward with a jump kick, but Jack blocked it. Jack then picked up Robert and slammed him, depleting the rest of his life. Ryo stared at his screen for a few seconds with his mouth agape.
"You have got. To be. F***ing kidding me. The big lug actually got a perfect on me?!"
The next round started and Jack charged forward with a Knuckle of Fury that knocked Robert down.
"Do something, Robert! Damn!"
Ryo did the input for a Spirit Kick and Robert finally unleashed it, but Jack blocked the whole thing. He then performed his Drop Kick and Robert was dizzied.
"Oh God, please no!"
Jack finished Robert with a boot to the face.
YOU LOSE
As the continue screen counted down, Ryo was slapping himself.
"How! Could! You! Lose! To! F***ing! JACK!"
Ryo finally calmed down and pressed start before the timer hit 0. He selected Robert again and the fight started.
"Alright you pork bellied motherf***cker, let's rock!"
Robert jumped forward with a kick which Jack blocked, but Ryo immediately switched to low kicking. Robert got in a few licks before jumping away. Jack came forward with his thunderous Drop Kick.
"SHIT!" Ryo yelled as Robert jumped back towards the wall. Ryo accidentally pressed C and Robert shot forward like an arrow and kicked Jack in the face.
"No way... I can do the wall trick?!"
Ryo felt like singing as he let out a loud sigh of relief. Now the game was about to get 90% easier.
"Try and block this, fat boy!"
Ryo performed the off the wall kick, but Jack blocked. He immediately switched to low kicks which Jack couldn't block. After repeating this motion, Ryo won the round.
"Yes! Now we're talking, Robbie boy!"
Ryo did the same thing throughout the second round. Jack suffered many kicks to the face, and when he managed to block one Robert just low kicked him instead. Before the round ended Jack performed a desperate Drop Kick.
"Oh shit, BLOOOOCK!"
Robert managed to block the kick. While Jack was recovering, Ryo punished him by pressing C. Since Jack was right next to Robert, Robert grabbed him and performed a classic Judo throw. Jack was finished.
"Woohoo! Thank God I found a pattern. Next should be that kooky Chinese guy..."
Sure enough his opponent was Lee Pai Long. The fight started and Lee used his classic Steel Talons as he came forward like a razor sharp tornado. Robert blocked the move and threw Lee. As soon as Lee got up, he was hit with a fireball. Lee got up and was dizzy.
"Alright! Say goodbye, monkey man!"
Robert unleashed a Spirit Kick that depleted the rest of Lee's life bar.
"Yes! Round 2, baby!"
Lee was a bit more jumpy this time, but Ryo just kept performing the off-the-wall kick and Lee went down in no time.
"Okay, next should be..."
BONUS STAGE!
"Oh shit, what is this now?"
There were three options: bottle cut, ice pillar smash, or super technique.
"Super technique sounds important, let's go with that."
The objective was to perform five Haoh Sho Koh Kens.
"Oh that should be easy, wait WHAT THE HELL?!"
The command was ridiculous! Forward, then half circle forward, all in one fluid motion.
"Okay, half circle and..."
But Robert just punched.
"Dammit. Forward, half circle..."
Robert just punched.
"DAMN IT! ME AND ROBERT NEVER HAD THIS PROBLEM IN REAL LIFE! WE JUST WANTED TO DO THE MOVE AND IT HAPPENED! WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THESE STUPID INPUTS THAT HURT MY THUMB?!"
The time ran out and Ryo hadn't managed to get it right even once.
"You know what? Screw it. I don't need a super fireball to win anyway!"
The next opponent was King at the L'amour Restaurant.
"Oh it's King! Man, I'll never forget when me and Robert thought she was a guy and I blew her top off with a fireball. Boy, were we surprised..."
Ryo was so busy laughing that Robert took a Venom Strike to the face.
"Oh hell no!"
King kept on doing Venom Strikes until her energy bar was completely depleted. Ryo then made Robert do the classic off-the-wall kick to low kick combo.
"Alright, round 2. Hey, I'm curious..."
King depleted her energy bar with Venom Strikes and Ryo took her down to critical health with jump kicks, but he didn't finish her.
"I wonder if they actually... nahhh. But then again... aw what the hell, it's worth a shot!"
With a centimeter of life on her health bar, King attempted a jump kick but Robert blocked it.
"NOW!"
Robert unleashed his Flying Heat and took off King's last bit of health. As the kick connected, King's shirt exploded into a thousand pieces. She fell to her knees, attempting to hold her tattered bra up and cover her breasts.
"OHHH SHIT! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY PUT THAT IN!" Ryo yelled, laughing so hard that he fell backwards. Ryo finally calmed down when he saw his next opponent: Micky.
"Oh, it's the tree trunk! Alright Mr. Long Arms, prepare to meet your maker!"
Ryo pretty much used the same strategy throughout the entire fight. Mickey was so tall that every time Robert performed his off-the-wall kick it would always connect. Not to mention his long legs were susceptible to low kicks. The fight ended with no trouble.
"Whew! Finally got a break. Next should be John f***ing Crawley. This should be fun..."
Ryo started the fight like normal but he accidentally caused Robert to jump right into John's jab, which took off only a centimeter of life.
"Whoops... ah well it didn't do that mu-"
Before he could finish his sentence, John performed his Flying Attack. He crashed into Robert as he spun like a tornado. When the attack ended, Robert's life bar was nearly gone.
"What! The! F***!" Ryo yelled, dropping his controller. "Who the hell made John so f***ing OP?!"
John charged up his energy bar as Robert leaped forward with a kick to the face. John punched him in the face and ended the round.
"Damn... remind me to block next time, Robert."
The match started and Ryo performed Robert's Spirit Kick. John blocked the entire thing then unleashed his Overdrive Kick, a combo so devastating it cut his life bar in half.
"WHAT THE... ALL OF HIS GOD DAMN MOVES DO TOO MUCH DAMAGE!"
John performed a Flying Attack which Robert blocked, but the chip damage alone nearly depleted his life bar.
"Oh, this is f***ing bullshit." Ryo said flatly. Robert unleashed a hard kick, but John blocked it and one low kick took down Robert for good.
YOU LOSE
It took a few more tries to get past John's OP attacks, but Ryo finally got lucky when John depleted his energy bar and Robert caught him in the off-the-wall kick+low kick combo.
"Whew... okay baldy. You're next!"
The fight started, and Big unleashed a Ground Blaster. Robert jumped over it and kicked Big in the face. As soon as Robert's feet touched the ground, Ryo input forward back forward C and unleashed a Spirit Kick that turned Big's face purple.
"YEEEAH eat it chrome dome!"
Big swung his kali sticks wildly and Robert jumped backwards. When Robert landed, Big Cross Dived right into him, taking off a good portion of health. As Robert got up, Big thrust his sticks for extra poking damage.
"Shit, Big is the poking master!"
Robert leaped onto the wall and sprung forward, but Big uppercut him out of the air. As Robert got up, a Ground Blaster finished the job.
"Damn it! Cmon Robert, do better!" Ryo shouted, as if that would accomplish anything. Round 2 started and Robert jumped forward, but Big uppercut him like usual. Robert got up and Big Cross Dived right into him. Robert got a few licks in with the off-the-wall kick+ low kick combo, but Big still had the upper hand.
YOU LOSE
The fight started again and Ryo decided to wing it and spam his classic combo. Big managed to roll out of the way of most of the high kicks, but a low kick or two still caught him. But Robert was still taking the most damage.
"Dammit! Let's try a fireball!" But as the fireball zoomed towards Big he merely thrust his kali stick and stopped it in it's tracks. He didn't even take chip damage.
"Ugh, that is bull. Since when can you stop a fireball with a basic punch?"
Big used Cross Dive and Robert was lucky enough to block, then punished with a throw. As Big got up, a fireball struck him and he was dizzied. Robert then threw him and won the round.
"Okay. Whew... one more."
Big Cross Dived so quickly it couldn't be blocked. He then fired a few Ground Blasters, but only one hit. His energy bar was now gone.
"Alright, now let's pummel this fool!"
Ryo did his classic combo and it took Big down to critical health.
"Okay, one more move..."
Big suddenly used Cross Dive and knocked Robert out of his Flying Heat. Ryo was shocked by this, since Big has no energy. The attack did little damage, but still knocked Robert to the ground.
"Wha... WHAT! He can still do that shitty move even with no energy! Oh that is BULL! I mean, sure it does shit damage with no energy, but it can still act as a knockdown move! Not to mention it pretty much has no frames so I can barely block the shit!"
The fight was tedious thanks to Big's cheap move, but Ryo finally managed to unleash Robert's Flying Heat and it did just enough chip damage to finish Big for good.
"Thank God! Now that just leaves one..."
Robert faced his final opponent: Mr. Karate.
"Dad, I apologize in advance for this..." Ryo teased as the round started. But his smile faded when Mr. Karate dashed forward and unleashed his Thresher Punch! The punch seemed to have a magnetic force as Robert was pulled into it and pummeled. Ryo had to do a double take just to see what happened.
"Holy shit that was fast. Ah well, I have my classic combo."
But Takuma seemed to anticipate Robert's jump and had a hard kick waiting for him. As Robert fell to the ground, his opponent did another Thresher Punch and KOed Robert.
"Damn it! I didn't lay a f***ing finger on him!" Ryo cursed. "Alright old man, now it's serious!"
The round went pretty much the same way. Robert jumped but was knocked out of the air. He then took two successive fireballs and was instantly defeated.
YOU LOSE
Ryo tried again and tried to shoot a fireball of his own, but it was easily stopped with a punch. Mr. Karate dashed forward and threw Robert, giving Ryo no reaction time.
"Damn, can he really do that?!"
Robert got back to his feet and Mr. Karate threw a hard kick directly to his head, KOing him and causing Ryo to lose the round. The second round was pretty similar.
YOU LOSE
The third time around, Mr. Karate did his Flying Heat move and knocked Robert to the ground. Robert got in a few low kicks, but Mr. Karate jumped back and threw a fire ball which Robert blocked.
"Agh! I can't even focus! Fireball! Uhh... Spirit Kick!" But he couldn't even pull off one move as Robert was destroyed.
YOU LOSE
Ryo decided to just spam the wall kick over and over. Mr. Karate took some damage, but he knocked Robert out of it most of the time.
YOU LOSE
Ryo tried again with spamming the wall kick, and miraculously managed to block Mr. Karate's Thresher Punch. Robert punished with a throw.
"This is it! I'm finally going to win a round!" Ryo cheered. He tried to shoot a fireball, but it just wouldn't come out.
"What the- SHOOT! FIREBALL! FIIIREEEBAAALL!"
But Ryo was so excited that he was doing the input too fast and the game couldn't read it. Mr. Karate recovered and kicked Robert to death.
YOU LOSE
"AAAARGH! Why do these damn controls magically stop working when I'm just about to win!"
The next fight was completely one sided. Mr. Karate continued to counter Robert's every move and unleash his special moves with lightning speed. Ryo's reaction time just wasn't fast enough to block it.
YOU LOSE
YOU LOSE
YOU LOSE
YOU LOSE
During one fight, Mr. Karate was down to a sliver of health and received a hard kick to the face.
"YES I FINALLY WON A-"
But Mr. Karate got back up and threw Robert to his demise.
YOU LOSE
"What the... F*** JUST HAPPENED! Did my kick just magically become weaker! I swear that was a KO!"
Mr. Karate appeared to have no health but he still won.
"AAAAARGH I CAN"T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! WHY DOES MY FATHER HAVE TO BE SUCH A F***ING BASTARD WITH THAT STUPID MASK! OH AND BY THE WAY DAD YOUR NOSE LOOKS LIKE MY DICK!"
Ryo stopped and took a break, leaving the game paused. He did some meditation, read some children's books, and even looked up a little girl on girl action. After releasing all of the stress and tension he had built up, he picked back up the controller and tried again.
"Okay... I can do this."
Mr. Karate started the match with a Thresher Punch, but Robert blocked it and threw him. As he got up, he took a fireball to the face. He got up, dizzy, and Robert threw him. But he still had some health left.
"Aw come on, it's like my attacks are weaker somehow!"
Mr. Karate got a few blows on Robert, but with a few wall kicks Ryo finally won a round.
"YES! Now we're cooking!"
The second match took a turn for the worse when Robert was knocked out of his jump kick and took a fireball and Thresher Punch. The round was lost.
"Agh, well so much for a flawless victory. Come on Robert, this is it! Beat my stupid dad so we can win and go watch "Cops"!
Robert jumped forward, but Mr. Karate knocked him out of the air. But Ryo was persistent and he tried again. The wall kick seemed to work a few times, but Mr. Karate blocked most of them. Mr. Karate jumped forward and Ryo accidentally hit the right trigger. Suddenly Robert uppercut Mr. Karate out of the air!
"What? I have an UPPERCUT BUTTON! What does the other one do?!"
Ryo hit the other trigger and Robert threw a kick to Mr. Karate's shin, also knocking him down.
"Alright! Now when he gets up I can finish him with a fireball! Come on game, PLEEEASE do the move I'm telling you to do!"
Ryo performed a fluid quarter circle and Robert unleashed his fireball, which smacked Mr. Karate as soon as he got up.
"YEEEEE- wait, what?!"
But once again Mr. Karate still had a tiny little millimeter of health, not even visible to the naked eye.
"Oh you've got to be kidding me. And I'm all out of energy! Hey wait... Mr. Big still did damage with his Cross Dive! Maybe I can use Flying Heat and take away that last little bit of life!"
Ryo gave his most intense expression; this was it. Not even God could stop him from unleashing this final attack.
"VICTORYYYYYYYYY!"
Robert lunged forward with a Flying Heat, but just before the kick connected Robert fell short of his target; with no energy, the range was too short.
Ryo could only stare at his screen in defeat as Mr. Karate performed a Haoh Sho Koh Ken which blasted Robert and KOed him instantly.
YOU LOSE
Ryo said nothing, but switched off the power and walked out of his room. He sat on the couch, still with the same lifeless look on his face. Suddenly he put his hands to his head and screamed loudly. The force of the scream was so powerful that all of the windows broke and even the living room tv spontaneously combusted. Ryo then picked up the tv and broke it on top of his head. He then jumped out of the window and rolled on his lawn for half an hour, cursing his father's name.
I've decided to make this a multi chap fic, because let's face it: the second one is the REAL controller buster. Anyone who has played it heartily agrees, I'm sure. Tune in to see Ryo's next fit of rage when he plays Art of Fighting 2! Reviews are appreciated and I would love you for it.