This Temporary Respite
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Breathless they slowed and looked around.
"Ok, where now?"
Jack shrugged over at his companion and sent him a trademark grin.
"Sir, do you even know what year this is?"
Jack grinned and shrugged.
"You know, I think it's about time you traded that thing in for a newer model." . . with a curt nod he gestured down to the frayed and worn piece of leather that for some time now had hung tentatively around the Captains' left wrist.
Jack looked mildly offended but still grinning held his arms wide . . "And spoil all the fun, Ianto? Where's your sense of adventure?"
"My sense of adventure is just fine, Sir ….." . . his head pitched to one side; listening intently as the shouting resumed and drew closer . . "But it just so happens that today my sense of self-preservation is maybe just that little bit stronger."
Still smiling Jack listened also and turning to face front flicked his tails in preparation
"Ready?"
"Yep." . . as the affirmation left his lips Ianto was right behind him.
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"No, down here …."
Jack made a grab for his hand and hanging on tightly dragged him into the next walk-way.
The gap was narrow and hopefully to their pursuers would be easily overlooked. They flattened themselves against the brickwork and Ianto let his head fall to the left to laugh breathlessly . . "Just like old times, Sir."
"Good times, Ianto…" . . he looked wistful as he gasped for air.
"Of course, in those days you were in much better shape and I hate to say it, but it seems that you might actually be aging at last."
His wry smile garnered a mock glare and as his deep and loud Celtic laugh bellowed forth a scolding finger was pressed to his lips.
Just a moment later the two men sped past and waiting for their raised voices to fade Jack gave it a few seconds before cautiously poking his head back out.
"Damn, that was stupid. I'm getting complacent and sloppy." . . an anger was creeping in and as he straightened he slammed his body back against the wall . . "Damn it!"
"Sir, no harm done, we're ok." . . Ianto tried to ignore the anxiety welling up and prayed that Jack didn't have another episode.
The Captain looked directly at him . . "We need to be more careful, they're armed."
"Well did you notice what weapons they had? It might help us to pin-point the century."
Jack shook his head . . "No, they were too fast. But they were definitely armed."
"Oh, ….." . . Ianto stepped over to take a peek himself . . "I thought we were supposed to be steering clear of danger from now on. What happened to passive planets only?"
"Ok, yes, I'm sorry it went a bit wrong this time, but I'll never let anything happen to you…" . . his voice was developing a panicked edge to it . . "Ianto, you do know that don't you?" . . large hands framed his face . . "I promise, I am not losing you again….."
With a sigh Ianto stepped back. It was happening.
"Sir, we've been through this ….."
He gazed sadly at the Captains' determined expression. This was the one conversation that Jack tried to avoid at all costs and in one swift and determined move he had him pressed hard against the wall and was kissing with a passion that only Ianto Jones could ever hope to comprehend.
The younger man knew this embrace far too well. It was becoming more and more regular. He knew exactly what it meant and when to expect it, but for all its predictability it still managed to overwhelm him. It was the most desperate of feelings. There was a sadness, a joy and a primal desire that sent his senses soaring. It was, in essence, a caress reserved for him and him alone.
As Jack pulled back with a gasp, again predictably, he began to plead with him.
"Please don't make me go there, Ianto. You know I can't talk about this. I couldn't bear it if….." . . he trailed off; the reality of what could happen far too painful to even think about.
Quickly Ianto grasped the fingers of his left hand and lifted them to his face . . "I'm still here, feel …"
As Jacks' eyes closed at the touch he continued to reassure him . . "I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here, ok?"
He was pulled roughly into a tight embrace and squeezed to within an inch of his life. There were days when words were never enough.
Jack nuzzled into his cheek and revelled in the closeness. Ianto felt comforting, warm and real but as a familiar wave of dread forced him to focus on their grim reality his eyes screwed tighter. He couldn't help this growing paranoia but at least he could hold back the tears.
"I'm not sure I can do this anymore, Ianto…." . . he lightly brushed a thumb through the soft curls at the base of his neck . . "I don't think I could cope if I lost you again."
Sliding skin against skin until he found Jacks' lips Ianto brushed them with his own . . "We need to get out of here, Sir. I have a bad feeling about this place. How about we try somewhere that's less of a threat?"
Attempting to bring himself out of the darkness Jack stepped away from him laughing . . "Yep, you can always trust Ianto Jones to know the right thing to do. Hey, …" . . he pressed his palms together and held them up in front of his face . . "See, my hands are tied. I couldn't live without you, I'd be hopeless."
Ianto took a hold of both lapels and pulled him back towards him . . "You are the bravest person I have ever known, and I know you can cope with anything."
Jack laughed softly. There was nothing brave about being terrified of being on your own. There was nothing brave about being so terrified of losing the only good thing in your life that you cried yourself to sleep every night.
But Ianto knew all of this. Night after night he rocked him reassuringly and held him close until the welcomed sleep swept the tears away, but none of this could ever lessen his opinion of the man he loved so completely.
"Jack?"
The Captain started. He so seldom used his name and it made him smile . . "Hey, I'm sorry Ianto, one of those, you know, little moments .." . . he smiled again and tried to make light of his meanderings.
Without him having the slightest inkling the heart in front of him broke in to a thousand tiny pieces. These 'little moments' were happening more and more and they seemed to be getting worse with every episode. For Ianto it was soul destroying to witness the brave and the brash giving way to this pitiful paranoia and if he could take his fear and pain away he would. Instead, he was merely distraught in the knowledge that he was the sole cause of it.
"Jack, listen to me…" . . he pulled on the collar and rocked him gently . . "I'm not like you, you know I'm not going to be around for ever …" . . leaning in he let their foreheads come together and closed his eyes . . "I can't imagine being without you, Jack, but one day it's going to happen and whatever that means, wherever I end up, I need to you remember ….. I'll always be in here …."
Releasing one lapel he pressed a flattened palm on to a front panel of the woollen coat . . "I'll always love you, Jack, nothing in the Universe could ever stop that."
Fighting the sting Jack sucked in his lips then released them with a hesitant smile
"You'll never stop?"
Ianto smiled for his Captain and framing one side of his face admitted
"Never could…."
Finally letting the tears spill Jack fell in to his arms and buried his face into his shoulder. A protective embrace surrounded him and as he heard a whisper of . . "I'll always love you, Jack Harkness…" . . his chest heaved unable to stop the sob that choked out.
He knew he didn't deserve his love, but he needed it so badly.
"Sir, ….."
After a minute he was nudged lightly and sniffing he lifted his face but made a point of averting his eyes . . "I'm sorry, Ianto, I've done it again haven't I…" . . he blew an emotional burst of air out through tightly pursed lips . . "I know I keep losing it lately. I'm so sorry, I don't know what's happening to me."
Opening his arms and demonstrating that, if required, the offer of closeness was still there Ianto shook his head at him . . "No, it's ok, really Sir. I understand."
"Ianto, please, call me Jack." . . he wiped at his eyes . . "Do you think we could we just drop the Sir from now on? Jack's more personal, I'd prefer it if you used my name."
"Ok, Jack it is, then." . . he'd do anything to make the Captain happy . . "I can't see that being problem."
As he wiped them again Jacks' damp eyes smiled . . "Thank you…"
A hand was held out to him . . "Come on, let's get back out to the street. If we're out in the open we might stand more of a chance of that thing of yours getting us back to where we actually want to be."
Jack laughed and sniffed loudly . . "Oh ye of little faith, Jones."
With a smile Ianto turned and began to lead him back out into the brightness.
"Ianto, wait…"
A tug on his hand brought him to an abrupt halt and he turned back to find out what the problem was.
Jack hesitated. He was deliberating, stalling. So many times he'd arrived at this point only to convince himself that it was all totally unnecessary. But now it was necessary, and he needed him to know.
He'd never understood how something that was so trivial and throw-away to certain others could be so difficult for him? The many decades of delaying and denial had left him speechless when it came to actually saying the most important thing that Ianto Jones deserved to hear. He'd been selfish and taken it for granted that he wanted to be there with him. But now this was unacceptable. He knew that as their time together had progressed he'd become over-confident; jumping into situations without thinking, taking the man himself and his constancy as a given, but now this complacency was putting him in danger and the very least he deserved was to know how much he was cared for.
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He watched as Ianto innocently turned to face him. There was a difference about his eyes. He should have seen sadness, anger even, but instead Jack was witnessing a new lust for life, an unswerving trust and so much love. Right at that moment he realised that he owed him so much more than just those three little words.
As a hand tightened, concerned, around his he took a breath then one final calming moment later began . . "Ianto, I know I'm not perfect and I know I don't deserve you ….."
He raised a hand to silence the objection that was about to come his way.
"I should have told you so many times….."
The interruption this time gave him no grace
"Does it need saying, Jack?"
HIs answer was simple . . "Yes, yes it does…." . . he swallowed deeply and as the other mans' head fell, sharing his struggle, he found the courage to tell him what he deserved to hear
"Ianto Jones ….." . . pausing he closed his eyes then with a whisper told him . . "I love you so much…."
The tears stayed away. Instead he felt a burst of joy and total relief run through him and as he opened his eyes he found Ianto smiling broadly at him. There was a glisten to his eyes and as he squeezed his fingers he whispered
"Thank you, I love you too, Jack."
Relief and embarrassment palpable they both started to laugh.
"Come on…" . . Ianto pulled on his hand again . . "Let's get out of here."
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As the warm sunshine hit his face the Welshman sighed. A weight had been lifted and his life felt far better than it had done in a long while. It seemed more …. complete and with Jacks' declaration he was looking forward to a more relaxed future. Now they could move on.
Feeling so full of love for him he looked back to give him another smile and as he turned the sunlight caught his eyes. Jack felt compelled to tell him how handsome he looked … but the words never came.
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The loud and disbelieving cry had him choking loudly. The ring of the chamber being emptied was still echoing off of the buildings but all he could hear were his own screams of despair.
With his now empty hand still out-stretched he stared down at the milky puddle . . "Oh, God, please …. no …." . . he couldn't bear to go through this again.
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Captain Jack Harkness was a man with very few scruples. He could be egotistical, arrogant and if it meant getting what he really wanted he could be ruthlessly selfish. But with an irony none of these factors could ever bring him what he truly needed. No amount of begging or praying could ever help him, fate would always refuse to grant him the one thing that would make his endless life worth living : his wish for the only person he had ever truly loved to be with him forever.
His immortality was a curse and he couldn't imagine his life without him, but could he bear to go through this all over again? Yes, he had the capability, the technology and an endless supply of 'dna'; an eternities worth, in fact, but this temporary respite from loneliness was growing harder and harder to deal with each time.
What would be worse, the all-consuming desolation of being on your own, or the devastation of losing the person that you adored over and over again.
This time it had been decades, the next time he might get a century. But even a century with Ianto Jones was nowhere near long enough.
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As his shoulders wracked through gut wrenching sobs the sound of his heart breaking sounded plaintively off of the stone walls. At the click he raised his head and the watery blueness gratefully stared death in the face. The shot rang out and he prayed for oblivion, begged that this time he be allowed to join his beloved Welshman forever.
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A few decades hadn't seemed that long, but it had been time enough for him to realise that the life they'd shared together had been something very, very special.
For Captain Jack Harkness time was irrelevant. He would be back and he would carry on and if the loneliness grew too great he could easily create himself another Ianto Jones … but he didn't want another Ianto Jones, he wanted this one, wanted him to come back again and call him Sir if he wanted and tell him that he'd never stop loving him. He had been the most amazing thing about his sad and sorry life and he'd loved him so much ….. so, so much…..
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Fin.
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