There were many times in the music room when Haruhi resented being the only one with a lick of common sense. In retrospect, it probably would have been wise to sniff something before taking her shift. Then she might have had a clue as to what the hell was going on.
But alas, fate did not provide paint fumes to help her through her day, so she was left wondering what the hell Tamaki was doing. He wasn't hosting per-say; more like he was sitting on one of the couches, raving to himself with over exaggerated hand gestures and just so happened to be attracting nearly every girl in attendance. A majority of the girls were recording the spectacle on their phones.
"Hey Honey?" Haruhi asked as she walked by the boy's table, where Mori was diligently delivering the guest's abandoned desserts. "Do you have any idea what Tamaki-sempai is going on about?"
"Something about Kyo-chan." He said through a mouthful. He seemed disinterested in elaborating any further, so Haruhi abandoned him to find the twins.
Who were laughing hysterically behind a pillar.
"What did you do?" Haruhi asked skeptically.
"N-Nothing this t-time." Kaoru choked out.
"This time it was all Tamaki." Hikaru banging his fist on the pillar.
Their rambunctious laughter dissolved into lose chuckles.
Hikaru cleared his throat. "Mommy indeed."
And they were rolling again, much to Haruhi's annoyance. She wondered if Kyoya had found room in the budget for illegal substances to slip into the hosts' tea. Something clicked in her mind and she glanced around the room.
"Mori-sempai?" She stopped the tall boy who had an armful of sweets "Have you seen Kyoya-sempai around here?"
He grunted a negative and continued his sugar delivering duties.
Haruhi felt the distinct weight of fear drop into her stomach.
Kyoya wasn't here.
Kyoya wasn't here.
No wonder everyone had gone nuts. Kyoya wasn't here to keep everyone in line with his icy glares. She had never faced a day in the music room without his constant supervision. Not there to keep Honey healthy (With the number of sweets Mori was delivering him the boy was most likely to develop heart trouble) or keep the twins from messing with Tamaki's mind. It was an unnerving feeling and suddenly she didn't feel safe.
She stumbled back, and, taking a stead breath, marched fearlessly forward into the crowd of girls filming Tamaki, who was now standing on the coffee table, gushing.
If Kyoya wasn't there to keep order, shed have to do it herself.
The closer she got to Mr Center of Attention the clearer his rant became.
"- and after our dramatic escape we'll fly back to Paris, and buy a small cottage in the country side-" he prattled. Haruhi facepalemed. He was having another HaruTama delusion.
"Tamaki-sempai, I don't think-" a hand quickly covered her mouth and she was yanked out of the mob by the redheads.
"Shut up." Hikaru hissed into her ear when they had her behing the pillar from earlier.
"You're going to ruin it." Kaoru whispered, dropping his hand from Haruhi's mouth.
"Ruin what?"
"Kyoya-sempai!" Honey chirped as the brunet threw open the Host Club doors. He ran to Kyoya, bouncing on his heels. "How'd your appointment go? Did you get a lollipop?"
"It went well, Honey. And yes." He pulled a lollipop from his pocket. Honey squealed loudly.
"Thank you, Kyo-chan!" Honey said with a grateful smile. He shove it into his pocket and looked back up at Kyoya. Haruhi could have sworn she saw Kyoya wink.
"Can I feel your stomach Kyo-chan?"
Kyoya gave his best fake laugh and patted Honey's head. "You won't be able to feel anything yet." He nodded towards the table Honey had empty plates stacked on. "I think Mori-sempai has more brownies for you."
"Oh boy oh boy." He squealed, ran back to the table and started chowing down.
It was the only sound in the room. Tamaki had stopped talking, and was staring at Kyoya with something that resembled fondness. The guests followed his gaze. Kyoya pushed his glasses up and straighten his posture and walked past Tamaki's impromptu stage without a word.
Tamaki jumped down and the girls made a path for him to approach the table where Kyoya had seated himself with his notebook open.
"Kyoya, did it go alright?"
Kyoya licked his finger and flipped the page.
"Are you going to start talking to me anytime soon?"
Kyoya slammed the notebook shut and glared at the Host Club king. "These will be my last words."
Tamaki froze up, as if Kyoya has struck him. He turned and ran out the double door, followed by the cries of the guests and even a few guests themselves.
Those who stayed behind started to whisper amongst themselves.
"I heard he was three months." One said.
"-Demon blood-"
"-had it in him to be seme-"
"-ctually Hikaru's-"
Were all rumors Haruhi heard as she followed the twins through the tables, trying to return things to the regular type of strange.
"Kyoya-sempai...whats going on?" She asked, sitting across from him. He glanced around. Everyone appeared sufficiently distracted.
"Renge introduced me to a new... tactic." He discreetly slipped Haruhi a manga. On the cover there were two blonde males, the shorter sporting an unusually large stomach.
"Exactly." Kyoya winced at Haruhi's flabbergasted expression "but it's a rather popular fad and we could make a tidy profit from selling sonograms and bids to name the child…" He pushed his glasses up. "A false pregnancy stomach is relatively cheap, and Tamaki so kindly volunteered to act as the second parent, so I thought, why not?"
"I-I…I" Haruhi blinked. "…I don't know anymore." She slouched in her chair. Kyoya nodded.
"Welcome to the Host Club."
I don't know. Don't ask. Hopefully you got some enjoyment out of it.