My insides all turned to ash
So slow
Tony drove home numbly, hands shaking on the wheel. The more time passed, the deeper he sank into despair.
And blew away as I collapsed
So cold
Eventually he had to pull over. It was too much. He laid his head on the wheel, drawing ragged breaths, but it felt too much like he was suffocating.
A black wind took them away
From sight
Outside, the ever-present wind howled. He couldn't take this. The guilt was tearing him apart.
And held the darkness over day
That night
All he could do was relive the scene. He hated it. The rolling black clouds, the whistling wind. Tim told him once, he hated thunderstorms.
And the clouds above moved closer
Looking so dissatisfied
He said that when he was little, he had nightmares every time there was a thunderstorm. Nightmares that his father would go away and never come back.
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing
That was ironic, in a cruel way. As Tim lay there, his loyalty turned against him, the storm had begun. It felt to Tony as though it should be pounding down, but it was a gentle pitter patter, almost soothing.
I used to be my own protection
But not now
It had washed away the blood. Not only Tim's, but the murderer's. It had been a good shot to the head of the petty officer's abusive boyfriend.
Cause my path has lost direction
Somehow
But it hadn't changed the outcome.
A black wind took you away
From sight
The wind still blew mercilessly, slanting the rain, chilling them both to the bone. Tim looked up at Tony as his partner applied pressure to the wound.
And held the darkness over day
That night
"Areyoucrying?"
"DiNozzos…don'tcry."He still regretted those words. Inside, he was screaming "Yes!"
And the clouds above move closer
Looking so dissatisfied
Tim's choked yet calm words had surprised him. He laid his hand on Tony's arm as Tony pressed harder.
"It'sokay,Tony."
And then he was gone.
And the ground below grew colder
As they put you down inside
The funeral had been heartbreaking. Abby was withdrawn, Ziva was stonefaced, Gibbs was internalizing. Sarah was sobbing somewhere in the background.
Tony was numb.
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing
Why the storm? Wasn't it enough that he had died? The storm just intensified the grief – and the wind, oh, the wind. It was the worst.
So now you're gone
And I was wrong
No. The wind stripped you down, exposed your raw emotions, but it was not the worst.
I never knew what it was like
To be alone
The feeling of your close friend, confidante, partner, was dead, was painful, but it wasn't the worst either.
On a Valentine's Day
Why did it have to be Valentine's Day? That alone was the worst. Dying on Valentine's Day?
Tony finally let it out and cried, not only for Tim, but for Kate, Paula, Jeanne and Jenny, for everyone and everything he had lost. Everything he'd buried deep. He cried for his friend.
There was no escape from this, he knew. He would not recover.