DOGMA THE SEQUEL - YES, I HAD TO BE INCLUDED.
Part I
By Rickman's Little Helper
It's like, 3 AM in the morning, and I had just drifted off to sleep. Bloody amazing too, considering the cats outside never quit meowing. Anyway, (oh, and by the way, I'm Louise R) I hear this sound, I think it was someone falling over, and I was so afraid that I lay there with my eyes open, looking out for anything. I heard it again, so I crawled under the bed, and surprise surprise, there's a baseball bat. (Sounding familiar?) I pick it up from under the bed, and sit up on top of the covers. And look what appears, a big burst of flames. Hell, I'd be scared but I've already seen Dogma about 100 times. 'Behold the Metatron, herald of the almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold-' 'It's okay, you don't have to go on, I've heard it too many times. And I must say, you're a bit off touch, if I say so myself.' 'Excuse me?' He looked quite puzzled, and pretty pissed off too. Probably mad because I stopped him in mid entrance. 'Well, Dogma was filmed, you know.' 'Oh, God, you saw that flick? I'm so sorry if you hated it, but Kevin Smith said that if-' "Okay, okay. Calm down. Can we go to the tequila place like last time?' 'No, that was strictly for the movie.' By this time I was definitely wondering if this was what Metatron really was like, or if it was all an act. 'Oh, can I ask you a question?' 'Sure.' 'Are you secretly Alan Rickman in disguise?' 'No, he's too busy playing Snape in Harry Potter.' That was me told. He ruffled his wings (he'd taken them out whilst I was pondering on the Alan Rickman idea) and cleared his throat. 'So, whilst I'm here, I'd better tell you why I came in the first place.' I had kind of guessed that it would involve saving the world but, nothing prepared me for the 'fantastic prize' I was about to receive. "Go on." I said, "Okay, well, obviously, since you've seen the movie, you'll know that those dumb-ass angels are already dead, so we aren't going to get you to kill anybody. But, if you can remember, at the end of the film, Rufus asked if he could make some changes in heaven and to the bible, so, we let him. But the changes are hideous. I'll tell you, it's a nightmare up there. He and that tart of muse, Serendipity, ended up taking over heaven, shoving God out onto the streets," "Streets?" "Yeah, heaven is a lot more complex than you think, it's the world, in cloud form. Anyway, they also managed to use some kind of force; god knows where they got it from, to change the bible's words, so that everybody is learning something different. He says that God is black, and he had a wife, called Liana Ness. In the bible, it now says that Liana Ness and God had a child, Jesus, of course, Jesus is black. Then, they gave him to Mary, who wasn't a virgin at all; she had at least five children, all of them white. It goes on like that for a while. But I'm being forced to run messages to anybody he likes, twenty-four hours a day. It sucks. He's just doing it so that he can get his own back on me for being so nasty to him in Dogma." "So what do I have to do in this? I mean, that's all very well, but I don't even believe in God, why did you come to me? Why not go back to Bethany?" Metatron raised one eyebrow and smirked. "Because of who you are." But he couldn't keep a straight face and burst out laughing. "No, sorry, that's not it at all. No, Bethany's too busy with her kid, Marcus, I think that's what she called him. But no, it was really just picked out of a hat. You're the lucky winner." "So what do I get to do?" I asked, more annoyed this time. "Okay, cool it. You, get to go up to heaven and try and stop Rufus and Serendipity. Okay, so I lied before, you've got to kill somebody, Rufus. But, it's not going to be as hard this time. Yes, he's already dead, but if you just stab him in the heart, he's done. We can't do it because it's a sin and we'd be sent to hell but you, are going to be sent back down here after so it doesn't really matter. Oh, there is one drawback though." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, I have to kill you first." Now, if you've ever been told that somebody has to kill you and that your going to die, you'll know exactly what it feels like. It's like, the biggest shock you'll ever get. "Wh-what!?" Metatron nodded. "But, you can't kill me." Metatron shrugged and smiled. "Yes I can, I'll meet you up there." And with that, he pulled a gun from a fold in his wings and shot me. It was like, someone had just cut off the oxygen so you can't breathe, and then, you just, die. Just like that. It's really weird.
By Rickman's Little Helper
It's like, 3 AM in the morning, and I had just drifted off to sleep. Bloody amazing too, considering the cats outside never quit meowing. Anyway, (oh, and by the way, I'm Louise R) I hear this sound, I think it was someone falling over, and I was so afraid that I lay there with my eyes open, looking out for anything. I heard it again, so I crawled under the bed, and surprise surprise, there's a baseball bat. (Sounding familiar?) I pick it up from under the bed, and sit up on top of the covers. And look what appears, a big burst of flames. Hell, I'd be scared but I've already seen Dogma about 100 times. 'Behold the Metatron, herald of the almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold-' 'It's okay, you don't have to go on, I've heard it too many times. And I must say, you're a bit off touch, if I say so myself.' 'Excuse me?' He looked quite puzzled, and pretty pissed off too. Probably mad because I stopped him in mid entrance. 'Well, Dogma was filmed, you know.' 'Oh, God, you saw that flick? I'm so sorry if you hated it, but Kevin Smith said that if-' "Okay, okay. Calm down. Can we go to the tequila place like last time?' 'No, that was strictly for the movie.' By this time I was definitely wondering if this was what Metatron really was like, or if it was all an act. 'Oh, can I ask you a question?' 'Sure.' 'Are you secretly Alan Rickman in disguise?' 'No, he's too busy playing Snape in Harry Potter.' That was me told. He ruffled his wings (he'd taken them out whilst I was pondering on the Alan Rickman idea) and cleared his throat. 'So, whilst I'm here, I'd better tell you why I came in the first place.' I had kind of guessed that it would involve saving the world but, nothing prepared me for the 'fantastic prize' I was about to receive. "Go on." I said, "Okay, well, obviously, since you've seen the movie, you'll know that those dumb-ass angels are already dead, so we aren't going to get you to kill anybody. But, if you can remember, at the end of the film, Rufus asked if he could make some changes in heaven and to the bible, so, we let him. But the changes are hideous. I'll tell you, it's a nightmare up there. He and that tart of muse, Serendipity, ended up taking over heaven, shoving God out onto the streets," "Streets?" "Yeah, heaven is a lot more complex than you think, it's the world, in cloud form. Anyway, they also managed to use some kind of force; god knows where they got it from, to change the bible's words, so that everybody is learning something different. He says that God is black, and he had a wife, called Liana Ness. In the bible, it now says that Liana Ness and God had a child, Jesus, of course, Jesus is black. Then, they gave him to Mary, who wasn't a virgin at all; she had at least five children, all of them white. It goes on like that for a while. But I'm being forced to run messages to anybody he likes, twenty-four hours a day. It sucks. He's just doing it so that he can get his own back on me for being so nasty to him in Dogma." "So what do I have to do in this? I mean, that's all very well, but I don't even believe in God, why did you come to me? Why not go back to Bethany?" Metatron raised one eyebrow and smirked. "Because of who you are." But he couldn't keep a straight face and burst out laughing. "No, sorry, that's not it at all. No, Bethany's too busy with her kid, Marcus, I think that's what she called him. But no, it was really just picked out of a hat. You're the lucky winner." "So what do I get to do?" I asked, more annoyed this time. "Okay, cool it. You, get to go up to heaven and try and stop Rufus and Serendipity. Okay, so I lied before, you've got to kill somebody, Rufus. But, it's not going to be as hard this time. Yes, he's already dead, but if you just stab him in the heart, he's done. We can't do it because it's a sin and we'd be sent to hell but you, are going to be sent back down here after so it doesn't really matter. Oh, there is one drawback though." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, I have to kill you first." Now, if you've ever been told that somebody has to kill you and that your going to die, you'll know exactly what it feels like. It's like, the biggest shock you'll ever get. "Wh-what!?" Metatron nodded. "But, you can't kill me." Metatron shrugged and smiled. "Yes I can, I'll meet you up there." And with that, he pulled a gun from a fold in his wings and shot me. It was like, someone had just cut off the oxygen so you can't breathe, and then, you just, die. Just like that. It's really weird.