Arthur: Dungeons and Dragons
By NocturneD85
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Note: Another story, but this time a short one shot.
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It was raining outside in Elwood city, five boys by the name of Arthur, Buster, Binky, George, and the Brain were standing outside for an important reason. Because they had nothing to do and everyone dared Binky to hold up a metal pole in a lightning storm, which the dumb ass actually did but no lightning ever struck. They were all out of ideas of how to have fun as they were just standing there... getting wet...
"This sucks... This sucks the gay right out of Elton John's anus..." Buster said.
"Well... we could all go to my house, but chances are that DW is going to bother us and my parents aren't going to do anything about it." Arthur brought up.
"Better than standing out here all day." George managed to speak up.
"Fine..." Arthur sighed, "But don't say I didn't warn you..."
The five started to walk towards Arthur's house for warmth and for something to do. They all took off their raincoats and hung them up on the coat rack to dry off, Arthur looked around to see no DW anywhere. He sighed in relief, and then he peaked into the television room to find his family watching TV. Arthur shook his head, "Guess TV is out." He again sighed as he started to walk upstairs waving the others to follow him.
They all walked into Arthur's room while Binky instantly took a seat down in Arthur's chair infront of his work desk. Buster took a look around, "No X-box 360 or Playstation 3?"
Arthur didn't want to have to explain this again, "Buster... My family can't afford either one of those game systems. I don't see how any family can." Arthur then walked over to his bed to find the huge cardboard box that his grandma Thora gave him when she was clearing out the attic at her house the other day, supposedly it belonged to his dad when he was young.
"Hey Arthur. What's with the box?" George scratched his ear lightly while squinting one of his eyes.
"Oh... my grandma said she was clearing out the attic yesterday and found some of my dad's old toys and games figuring I would like them. I had a lot of homework that night so I really didn't get a chance to look through it." Arthur explained as he opened the top of the box to find some really odd things as he started pulling things out as they looked they came from another time, more likely from the 70's and 80's. "Hey... what's this thing?" He pulled out a strange gray looking clunky gray box with two controller ports.
Brain instantly walked over and looked at the box Arthur was holding up as he read the inscription, "Nintendo..." Buster and Binky scratched their heads as they were wondering what kind of Nintendo system it was because they were really into the new generation systems. Brain's eyes went wide, "Arthur... You know what this means?"
"That Arthur's mom wears thongs?" Buster brought up, Arthur only glared at Buster then went back to Brain.
"No, what?" Arthur asked.
"This is the very first Nintendo system." Brain said.
"No way!" Binky said in disbelief.
"Really it is Binky, before the Nintendo Wii, and 64 unit! There was even a super Nintendo after this one to keep up with the Sega Genesis!" Brain explained.
"The Sega what?" Buster scratched his head.
Brain only shook his head, "I think I'll explain this if we could find a way to hook it up."
Arthur only shrugged, "Only TV we have is the one downstairs which my family is using right now."
Binky said, "Man your house sucks ass Arthur."
"Well I don't see anyone stopping you from leaving ass face..." Arthur replied back.
"Hey what's this?" Buster pulled out what looked like a board game with a couple of books with some strange fantasy art on the cover, the rabbit read the cover, "Dungeons and Dragons"?
"Ah... Dungeons and Dragons... That game has a lot of weird shape dice and a fuck load of rules." George pointed out.
"How do you know about this?" Binky asked.
"Oh uh..." George tried to make up an excuse, "I have an uncle that used to play it... Said that some one calls Dungeon Master and..."
"I call Dungeon Master!" Buster raised his hand.
"Well like I was saying the Dungeon Master controls the field, story, and the enemies using the luck of how high his numbers are when he rolls the dice. If he rolls higher than anyone else then it goes his way, if the heroes or other players roll higher than him then he loses that one round." George explained.
"Sounds confusing..." Arthur adjusted his glasses, "But ah screw it let's play!"
Within the next seven minutes the game was all set up as Brain read the directions so they'll be playing right, Buster set up his little station and looked at all the graph paper, had a few books out so he could look back every so often. Brain chose to play as the black mage, Binky as the heavy bladed barbarian warrior, Arthur the archer, and George the half-elf.
-Cue Fantasy-
The four friends were standing out in the middle of nowhere with Arthur dressed up in his Robin Hood get up with his bow and arrow ready, while Brain wears a dark blue robe and a yellow wizard hat while he held a spell book in one hand. Binky was too busy scratching his crotch in his bear skin speedo standing there completely shirtless wearing only the speedo, horned Viking helmet and brown sandals while a huge bulky silver sword rests on his back. As for George was in a very... gay looking tunic outfit that you would see in the Legend of Zelda as he was armed with a sword as well but more fancy looking.
Binky looked over at George and laughed, "Oh my god you look so gay!"
"Well look at you Binky, you're wearing a dead animal on your privates!" George countered.
"WHAT?! I'LL KILL YOU!" Binky shouted as he tried to take out his sword.
"Come on guys, save your health and magic points for the game!" Brain cut in.
-End Fantasy-
Buster scratched his nose as he set up his divider from the other four players. "Okay... you see... eh, a bunch of squares..."
Brain walked over to Buster and adjusted his map, "That's the graph paper, here's the map. You're supposed to read from one of these books to make up a scenario."
"Oh thanks..." Buster chuckled a little bit and then read something from the guide book, "The room is forty by forty feet, stone walls all around, a door to your left is cracked a jar while the ceiling above you can barely be seen as the lit torch on the walls can't seem to light up all the way. You hear sounds coming from the ceiling and..."
"Any gold?" Binky interrupted.
"No..." Buster tried to concentrate.
"What about secret doors?" Binky asked again.
"Binky quit asking until he finishes." Brain brought up.
"Okay I guess I'm going to roll dice for an effect." Buster said as he held his dice and let it roll onto the table as it hits the divider as it lands on the number 12. "Alright... six lizard men crawl down from the walls and are about to attack!"
-Cue Fantasy-
The four friends were standing back to back in the dim lit stone walled room as they readied their weapons waiting for the lizard men to attack them. One of the lizard men dropped down to the dirty floor and hissed as it stood about ten feet tall, very muscular and wearing battle armor of its own. Soon the other five joined them as they readied their sharp claws ready for battle
-End Fantasy-
"Alright I guess you guys say what you want to do and roll for an effect." Buster said, "So Brain I grant you to go first."
Brain was looking at the list of spells he could use since he was a level one mage, "Um.. This spell looks good, I want to cast the spell "JOY" which gives my party temporary more motivation to battle and increases happiness..." Brain rolled his blue dice and got a thirteen, "I got a thirteen."
"All right... the spell is in effect..." Buster rubbed the back of his head.
-Fantasy-
The black mage raises his free hand as it started to glow purple, soon the party was surrounded by an alchemy circle as their inspiration points go up.
-End Fantasy-
"My turn!" Binky said, "I CLOSE MY EYES AND SWING MY SWORD AND BALL SACK AROUND!" Binky then rolled his yellow dice and got a one, "Alright, I rolled a one. What happens?"
"You chop your nuts off! And because of Brain's spell... you're happy about it!" Buster chuckled.
-Fantasy-
Binky the barbarian warrior was spraying blood like a fountain from his crotch as he shouted with a happy face because of the spell in effect, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" The lizard men watched with shocked eyes can't believing their opponent sliced off his own nuts while trying to show off at the moment as well as the other three looking at Binky on the ground a bloody mess.
-End Fantasy-
"Um. I think me and George will combine our attack if that's alright." Arthur rolled as well as George, both of them got a thirteen and a twelve which adds up to twenty five. "So this results in... 25..."
"Cool, you can kick ass now." Buster said with a little delight.
-Fantasy-
Arthur and George start pulling off some moves that you would see in the Matrix with the slow mo kicks and dodges. George performed a spinning sword slash that killed three lizard men instantly while Arthur shot the other three in the face at point blank range. No more enemies were left, Brain just stood there looking for more spells while Binky was still bleeding heavily.
-End fantasy-
"Well that takes care of the enemies, let's see... counting experience points... you get eight million experience, you're at level ninety five!" Buster tried to calculate his leveling up.
"Eh... you can only level up one level per game Buster." Brain was reading the manual.
"What kind of gay ass rule is that?" Binky interrupted.
"Yeah I thought we're playing a role playing game here?" Buster brought up.
"It is but it's a different one written by Garry Gigax." Brain explained.
"Well that's totally gay!" Binky got up, "What's the point of an RPG where you level up if you can only level up only once?" He walked over to the cardboard box still on the bed and rummaged through it as he found and pulled out what looked like a smoking device, "Hey what's this thing?"
About twenty minutes later, the five friends were so stoned it wasn't even funny, okay maybe it was.
Buster was laughing out loud so much that he fell onto the floor with the dice in his hands, "Oh my god... ha... you're characters are on fire... ha... ha... ha..." He rolled the dice as it came up as a two.
"Oh man... I can see a bunch of colors on the walls!" George was totally high and started laughing.
"Wow... I got like... twenty thousand fingers..." Brain looked at his hand and then looked at Arthur as his head looked like it was rotating .
"Okay, okay back to the game!" Buster tried to get up but then made something up, "You see a fairy princess with big boobs!"
"I HUMP HER!" Binky sneered then slammed his head onto the table.
"No man... YOU CHOPPED YOUR BALLS OFF!" Arthur's eyes widened, "Remember?"
"Oh yeah..." Binky looked down at his own crotch, "I forgot..." Then he started to burst out laughing again.
"I cast a... pink spell..." Brain then fell to the floor and started to shake.
"Hey I got a sword that has a plus nine against fairies..." George snickered then fell to the floor too.
Soon the five were hysterical as they were all shaking on the floor and laughing out loud so much that it made Arthur's dad to come up and see what the noise was all about. And if that wasn't enough DW just had to tag along to see what the fun was about, when they opened the door they see Arthur with a bong in his hand.
"Arthur!" David shouted in surprise.
"Oh hey..." Arthur snickered, "David... how's it... hanging?"
"Arthur!" David put his hands on his hips, "You address me as dad okay?"
"That's not what mom told me..." Arthur snickered, soon the other four were bursting out laughing.
"What in god's name are you five smoking?" David demanded.
"This thing?" Arthur snickered as he held it up.
"Hey..." David took the bong from Arthur and looked at it, "My old bong..."
"What's a bong daddy?" DW asked.
"Eh... DW I think your mom is calling." David said as he shoved DW out of the room and locked the door, he then looked at the table and saw his old game set, "Hey... my old dungeons and dragons game. I used to play this all the time!"
"You did?" Buster laughed.
"Yeah... was the only interesting way to play this game was to get high while playing..." David then lit the bong again and joined them.
About ten minutes later...
-Fantasy-
"I cast the spell of homo which turns all the enemy characters gay and wear pink shorts!" David rolled his dice and got a forty one. David was in a pink glittery robe and pink hat dancing to the song, It's Raining Men. The spell went into effect as the ugly brown trolls were then transformed into pinky trolls with pink tight shorts.
"Dad you made that spell up..." Arthur interrupted.
"Well I cast the homo spell on you too then." David rolled the dice and it turned Arthur's Robin Hood outfit into a pink version.
"Eh... alright, you all encounter a pirate... and he's carrying a gun... no more likely a musket... no a sword, eh a laser sword... or more likely a laser sword that has guns on it... and shoots out other laser swords..." Buster made up.
"I cast the spell magic missile!" Brian rolled a three then the spell didn't work.
"I attack with my sword and shake my ass around too!" Binky rolled the dice and got a two.
"Ah too bad... you slice your ass off!" Buster said.
"Ah damn it!" Binky shouted as his ass was slice off with his own sword, "first my balls now my ass!"
-End Fantasy-
"Yeah this game sucks... let's go hook up that Nintendo..." Arthur stood up.
"Yeah I don't understand this game at all anyway..." Binky stood up as well, soon the others did except for David. They all went downstairs to go hook up the Nintendo, "Hey anyone still have that bong?" Meanwhile upstairs David was too busy getting high and he ran downstairs streaking and runs around the neighborhood screaming he had a plus seven sword against anti-fags.
"Yeah... that game is pretty dangerous. I think it's probably better off we leave it to the nerds and junkies." Arthur said as the others agreed and since Arthur's only tv is an old piece of shit, the Nintendo was easier to hook up since George was the one that didn't smoke as much.
"What are you guys doing?" DW asked in her annoying tone.
Arthur looked down and found a screwdriver, "I got a plus three knife against annoying little sisters!" He chucked the driver into DW's face were it instantly killed her.
"Yeah that's a pretty dangerous game..." Buster chuckled.
Just then the phone rang and it turned out to be David because he got arrested for streaking and in possession then shouting something about him being the leader of the fairy fags of middle earth or something. No one cared as Arthur hung up and started playing the original Super Mario Brothers meanwhile David was getting raped by a huge black guy named Bubba... who also liked playing Dungeons and Dragons.
The End...