First Shizaya fanfic I bothered to write as a present then put it up on here xD Please enjoy~

Rated M for language purposes thanks to Shizuo.

All I Wanted To Say

No matter what I try to do, he's always there; In my head. It's hard to tell myself that I... care for him. I do, but he's just so.. annoying. Seeing him laugh with that twisted grin set on such a face, and to know I am not the one who causes his messed up version of happiness... It kills me inside.

However, whenever I say that I'll kill him, I'm always caught up in the moment of irateness. I want to be the one that makes him happy. Even if it just the mere act of chasing his helpless ass around, it helps, but that will never be enough. I mean, we haven't always done that. We've kissed, we've fucked, we've done everything.

Except say 'I love you'.

I can't imagine for the life of me, the way he thinks of me just based on the way he acts, he's just.. I just...

It's disgusting.

His soft lips, his most-of-the-time hard eyes... And his skin. It tasted like some sort of sweet honey. But it wasn't sweet, no.. more musky. And I hate to admit it, but it was the cuddly kind. It had completely drawn me into him.

And I loved every second of it.

I had reason though, I hated it because it was with him.

But I loved it because it was him.

I rolled over the cigarette with my shoe and crushed it. He never liked it when I smoked by him, he was too scared of me getting lung cancer. Like that's gonna happen you dummy... Although once he did admit that he liked the faint smell that it left on my clothes, claiming it was 'sexy'.

Sighing, I leaned against the wall of the alleyway, waiting for Izaya. I don't like meeting him in public, even if it was a small one that gangs wouldn't usually come into for some form of sick entertainment. But I wasn't meeting him here for sex like we usually do when we call each other up. He'd think too lowly of me anyway if it was just simply in an alleyway like this, I chuckled to myself lowly. I wouldn't order him here for that today...

A shadow loomed over the light that had sunk into the alley, a shadow with fur licking the end of it's coat. He didn't know why he was here exactly, but I did mention that it wasn't for the usual type of fling. At least Tom gave me a break today so I could see him... Well, he didn't necessarily know that, and I wasn't planning on telling him either.

I was looking down at the dirty concrete when I saw the dark shoes appear in front of me. Sighing once more, I looked up at him evidently seeing a frown displayed across his face.

His face..

"You should be glad that I got out of work just to see you and your needs," he spoke bitterly.

"I told you already, flea." I glanced into his crimson brown eyes, "It's not for any vulgar needs. If anything, I don't want to have to say this."

But I do..

His eyes softened quickly, adding on a hint of false hope and something like surprise, "Does it-.. Are you-... No y-you can't.."

"You idiot, I'd never do that!" He took it wrong... Dammit I'm the idiot for even asking him to come here.

He looked down, sadness clearly shown against his now paler face. "Do you mean that..? Truly, Shizuo?" He used my real name, causing the mass of butterflies to flutter endlessly in my stomach.

I swallowed, "Of course I couldn't just.. just drop you out of my life like that..." I shifted from my leaning against the wall posture to stand in front of him fully. He was small (to me), and honestly, it was cute. Most likely my favorite trait of him, besides the completely messed up personality and adorable face. And well, the fact that he was mine. And I could do anything I wanted with him, which ends up leading to the words that are locked up behind my lips.

And these words dared to leak out, and to stop myself from saying it, I kissed him. I kissed him longingly, passionately, forcibly, gently, romantically, determinedly, roughly, lovingly,... It didn't matter how, I just did. To hide those words that could very well end this relationship if not strengthen it.

He had kissed back, as expected like he usually would, and I added the depth.

Just like the way these scenes always play out.

This was different; I had something to say, and my conscious was ready to get it out. I didn't want to risk the end of us, but I knew just as well that it could just be the beginning of a more 'connected' one. And that's what I wanted, right?

Right?

I pulled away at the sudden feeling of his tongue brush against my lip. I didn't want to go here, like it always had. My heart started to pound as my lips parted to speak.

"Look I love you and everything but I did tell you that I didn't summon you here for that." What the fuck did I just say? Did I just say those words..?

Izaya was about to protest then he cut himself off, "Wait... what did you just say?" He stared directly into my eyes seriously yet adorably curious.

I tried to swallowing my words but it just was not working, "I said.." What the hell am I saying? Stop it..!

"I love you."

Dammit.

The curiosity just turned to flat out seriousness. His voice was tight as he spoke, "If this is a joke, then you are a fucking asshole." At that statement, I felt a strong enough urge to just grab my chest in hope of stopping the pain in it that suddenly rose higher and higher. A large lump formed right in the middle of my throat at the realization of his harsh words. I felt tears stab at my eyes.

Dammit...

In a choked voice I managed to spit out, "How could you just say that? ..After what I said..." Gulping down air, I tried to make the burning feeling subside. I continued on, "After answering the question you asked me."

"Oh, so now the monster pins it on me, the one who is clearly confused and has no idea what to think?"

I scratched at my eyes, wanting the tears to be gone and done with already. It probably looked pathetic to him. In fact, his words really did tug at my heart, it hurt.

"B-but you asked me first!"

"Yes, but you HATE ME."

My fists clenched and I ground my teeth together, "Why can't you see this? I just confessed something I've been meaning to say for a long time, and you try so hard to contradict it all by saying something so meaningless now, it doesn't even make any fucking sense."

He looked down obviously hurt by the outburst, "Don't swear at me.."

"How can I not when you can't see that I love you and not even say it back?" I felt my jaw loosen as well as my facial composure.

"Swearing doesn't show love you beast!"

"..We're going in circles, Izaya."

The dark haired man was silent. He seemed silent for hours until he spoke again. "You used my real name..."

I blinked, "Of course I did. What do you mean?"

Shadows from his hair covered his eyes, "You always call me names... A-And I don't know what to think anymore... If I still love you back or not."

..Yep, we're ruined.

As I started to walk away, I tried my absolute hardest not to lose all my pride by crying out. It hurt, it really did. But if he could keep as much pride as he had by now, then I'm sure I can. What actually had stopped me from continuing down the alley was the soft sounds coming from behind me. Soft enough to make me believe that they were trying to make themselves unheard, silent and gentle.

I stopped walking and stood there for a few moments, and as I stopped the little chokes halted with it. I could tell that Izaya was trying with all his might not to be heard, but of course, I knew better. He was still crying.

Turning around and walking back to him, I embraced his little body, squeezing tight, but not enough to suffocate him. He tried pushing away, but I held on tighter,

"I won't let you go..."

And with that, his sobs grew louder as he pressed his face into my chest muttered something along the lines of 'don't ever leave me alone...'