I resent you. You're gone these days, and it's hard for me to deal with that. I've tried, I really have tried, to move on from you but you're haunting my thoughts and dreams. After everything we've been through, you'd think that it'd be easier to let it all go. Maybe it's harder for me because I know you've seen me at my worst and no one else has. You know about some of my old habits I used to do and I guess some old habits don't always die. I understand you're reason for leaving. You needed to escape so you could deal with stuff and move on. There was no way that I could deal with it on my own; so I just put it in the back of my mind and didn't dwell on it.

I wonder what you've been doing lately and I wonder if you ever think of me and our past? I know you have someone new but it doesn't mean that you can't think of me right? That's rude and selfish of me to say but I need to get my thoughts out and deal with our past. After everything in the past few years that has happened, I've acknowledged that I'm just someone who doesn't deserve to be loved. I won't be here when you get back and I can't change that I'm sorry. I've lost my place amongst my friends here. Broken inside is what I am and I don't feel anything anymore. I'm numb and it is no longer a strange feeling to me. Feeling something other then numb is what's weird. There are times when I just want to scream out loud until I lose my voice. Maybe even cry all day long and just hate everyone I ever met; even you, but I can't.

I love you. It's probably the only thing I've said lately that has emotion in it. Most things I say are masked with fake emotion. My friends would be hurt to hear that let alone acknowledge it, but I think deep down they know that I'm empty. I'm sick. That's my reason for writing this not that I'm in belief that you'll ever get this, but I'm sick.

I'm sick and no one notices. I've been making myself sick and I'm skipping meals. I run five miles a day and still nothing. Some people are starting to notice the flaws I hold and maybe now they won't hold me on a pedestal. Truth be told I don't have any urge to eat my stomach doesn't hurt or yearn for the food. I've lost weight but I just wear my sweatshirts and sweats so no one notices. I'm not perfect. I wish you could come back and just hold me. Tell me I'm being stupid and let me know that someone cares. I wish that you could tell me you love me and want me again. Then I realize that I'm just having a fantasy again.

I'm sad because when I first said goodbye to you I figured you'd be back soon. After a few months I've accepted that you're not coming back and that you have a new life, not including me in it. If you were here you wouldn't be proud of me. If you were here you'd be trying to convince me that this isn't how I should be and how you miss your cheerful friend. I miss her too, but its far away from being that way. I love you and I guess this is my way of letting you go. I need to let you know these things and maybe I won't miss you as much. Goodbye, Sean. I need to let you go and learn to be without you. So please, help me let go. I love you and nothing will change that, but I need to find a new hero in my life. Please know you're not gone completely. You're always in my heart, even if I'm not in yours.

Emma