One More Thing, God
Summary: "I never got any closure." 1/1 Songfic
Genre: Attempt at S/V angst. Not heavy angst, but a lighter version... just try it and tell me what you think.
Spoilers: Late Season 2, after A Dark Turn (2.17) and before The Telling (2.22)
Disclaimer: I don't own Alias, and I don't own the song. The song is "She Walked Away" by Barlowgirl.
I don't do this much anymore. I used to sit here every day. I would pour over another file, analyze another report, maybe even give linguistics a hand decrypting some new intel. Why? I wish I knew why. I suppose it was all for a lead that I knew would never come. So I quit doing it.
When I gave up, it killed me. It was the goodbye I never got, that I never got to give. I never got any closure; that's why it killed me so much. Maybe closure was what I really wanted to find in all these files. I learned the hard way that you can't find something that isn't there. I wasn't supposed to have closure.
I don't know why I'm back here today; it's just to torture myself. I stare at the dust-covered file cabinets and all the files still lying around. But this is a waste of time. I don't think I even have the heart to ever open another one of these files again, not for this case. I should've let this case go three years ago.
I know I'm lying to myself. I think about this case every day. It takes so much to tell myself that this case needs to stay in the past. I can't allow myself to dwell on it again. The thing is, I never believe it. I still feel like I can change it, or that I could've changed it. If only I'd done something differently...
It was after a series of failed missions. Each one had involved Sloane or Irina. Sark would make appearances every now and then too, but I always think that was just to torture us. They always got away. Not only that, but more often than not they would manage to get away with whatever they wanted, too.
It was killer. After every time, it got more stressful. More tension would build up too, and at times, things were a bit strained between us.
I think it started with a comment. We were sitting at home after work. I don't remember who made the comment, but it was something about the most recent mission, in which all three of the proverbial thorns had managed to elude us. We were both so tense that we started arguing over it. Soon it was a full-blown fight. That was all it took.
She couldn't take one more day
Home was more a prison now
Independence called out
She had to get it
A fight was all she needed
To give her a reason
She slammed the door with no 'goodbye'
And knew that it was time
I was so angry at that moment; I just didn't care. In my mind, I just figured she would go blow off steam for awhile, so I sat down and tried to do the same. I went back to my mainly neglected apartment that night, and I figured we would straighten things out when we saw each other the next day. But at work the next day, I figured out what had really happened.
And now she's drivin' too fast
She didn't care to glance behind
"No more tears," she laughed,
"It's time to kiss the past goodbye
I'm finally on my own
don't try to tell me 'no'
There's so much more for me
just watch what I will be..."
As soon as it occurred to me, I was petrified. I refused to believe she would really do it, although I knew I was right. I made frantic calls to her cell and her apartment; I paged her countless times. When I drove to her apartment though, I could tell she hadn't been back, and I knew she wouldn't be back.
She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leavin'
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away
Now I always wonder: if I had followed her, would this have happened? Would she really have gone through with it? I never wanted it to end that way; I never wanted it to end.
I'll never know.
After that day, I spent about six months searching for her futilely. Around that time, word came in that she had been spotted in Buenos Aires with Sark. I was devastated. She had given up on everything. She gave up me. She went to Sark. Sark! She gave up on everything she had believed in. That may have killed me the most.
We never heard anything on her or Sark again.
I don't come here to pour over her case anymore. I don't dwell on finding them anymore. I've moved on; I've tried to get back to work. That doesn't mean I'm not still waiting. I feel like they're just going to appear one day. I watch for them on every mission. It's always on my mind, no matter how good I've gotten to be at hiding it.
Not a day goes by
for the ones she's left behind
They're always askin' "Why?"
as thoughts of her consume their minds
"God, please let her know
the love we tried to show
We'll promise anything
if you'll just bring her home..."
Jack can still tell. He can still see how much it still kills me. It eats at him too. I can see it. Don't get me wrong, Jack is still Jack to just about everyone. Everyone but me, really. He knows I blame myself. He tells me I shouldn't, that it wasn't my fault. He can see that I don't believe him, but he still tells me. I think he blames himself too.
I don't know how it happened, but Jack and I understand each other now. Right after the fact, we were both made to talk to Dr. Barnett, but now neither of us talk about aside from to each other. I think we keep each other from letting either of us dwell on it too much. We just try to keep working.
She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leavin'
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away
I can hardly believe it's been three years. Not to say it's flown by or anything, but I can't believe I've survived this long without her. It's hard to imagine there was a time when I didn't even know her. I still love her so much.
Coming in here today was much harder than I expected. A lot of the pain has dulled, but it's still difficult remembering the 50-75 hours a week I spent in this room searching. It has taken time to accept that she just doesn't want to be found. Looking at everything again, a tear rolls down my cheek as I lay my head down on the desk and make my final plea.
"Tell her
We love her
Tell her
She's wanted
One more
thing, God
Tell her
please come home
please come home..."
I get up and move to the door. As I turn around and glance back one final time, I finally feel at peace with the situation.
She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leavin'
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leavin'
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away
I only pray, as I close the door, that wherever she is, she is at peace too.
The choice is yours alone now
Tell me how the story
ends...