Title: Pieces
Author: TigerTiger02
Spoilers: All Hell Breaks Loose pt 1
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Dedication: to Nikki and Tarryn who have cried with me and to Chrissy who will cry.
I've failed.
My baby brother is hurt and I've failed.
Momma always told me to protect him; it's one of the few things I remember clearly. I didn't understand it then. But I do now.
"Dean, baby, your little brother is special."
"Am I special too Momma?"
"Yes you are sweetheart, but Sammy… Sammy needs to be protected. You have to protect him Dean. That's what big brothers do. They protect their younger brothers. You always have to protect him Dean. There are bad things out there, terrible things and you have to protect him."
"Don't worry Momma, I will."
I promised her. I promised her and Dad and I've failed. God. He's hurt so bad and I know there's blood. I pull him close and whisper to him while screaming inside because though I don't want to admit it I know what happens next.
"Hey, hey... come here, come here, let me look at ya." Oh god… his blood is so warm against my palm and it's just leaking out of him. God I can't take this… I just… god. I can't lose him. Not now. Momma is gone. Dad is gone because he sacrificed himself for me. I'm so fucking worthless I can't even protect Sammy from the one thing I was supposed to protect him from. I want to run after that guy, I want to tear him to pieces and let my hands slip inside him and hold his heart and squeeze the life out of him. What was going on here? Sammy is looking at me his eyes stunned and shocked. He's starting to fade. I can sense it, if I could just get him to hold on a little longer.
"Oh, hey look, it's not even that bad... it's not even that bad, alright? Sammy, Sam! Hey, listen to me; we are going to patch you up okay... You'll be as good as new. Huh? I'm going to take care of you; I'm going to take care of you! I gotcha. It's my job, right; watch after my pain-in-the-ass little brother..." I can feel his heart stuttering against mine, the beat so erratic and faint. I pull him a little closer. He can't die on me. He can't because if he does then I won't survive. It's so fucking selfish of me but it's true. Where Sam goes, I go. He's all I've got left of Momma and Dad. He's all that left of our broken ruined family. I feel him grow still and his heart give one last stuttering beat. I won't believe it. I can't believe. My brother is not dead. No.
"Sam... Sam... Sam! Sammy! No... No-n-n-n-n-no. Oh god. Oh god... Sam!" he is. A ration part of me tells me that he is and there is nothing I can do about it. The irrational part of me is shrieking like a wild beast. I feel the sobs build up. My chest starts to ache and my throat closes tightly, a salty ball of tears is lodged there. The sobs push past the tears in my throat and tear a hole in my mouth. They peel out and echo in the stagnant air. The world has frozen, as if knowing that something terrible has happened. It begins to rain harder and I can't stop myself from crying. Vaguely I realize that I'm rocking back and forth, clutching Sammy closer with my face buried in his neck. I'm trying to remember what he smelled like as a baby but I can't. His own Sammy scent is fading in the rain. Something inside of me withers away to nothing and I feel myself grow cold with Sammy.
"Dean?" Bobby's voice is soft. I inhale deeply and try to regain composure but I can't.
"Did you get him?" my voice is shaking, throbbing with pain.
"Yeah. Nailed him in the head." I close my eyes, clench my jaw, and look away at a distant broken fence.
"It was too good for him Bobby."
"I know." His hand drops to my shoulder as he crouches beside me. I know he's staring at Sammy. "Dean. You gotta let go. We gotta give him a proper funeral."
"I… no." he doesn't speak for a moment but instead reaches out with a trembling hand to smooth Sammy's hair. It's a fatherly gesture because we've become his children almost. We were everyone's children. Father Jim's, Caleb's, Bobby's… well I guess Caleb playmates more like it. Bobby drops his hand.
"Dean… there's more… people. They're dead. All of them are dead."
"Who?"
"More children like Sam would be my guess. Dean you might know at least one of them." The pain is sharp in my chest when I stand to take Sammy to the car. He is so heavy, like suddenly he's made of stone. My arms throb and my shoulders protest and Bobby offers to help but Sammy has always been mine and I'm not giving him up. I lay him in the back seat, wrapped tightly in a blanket. I press a hard kiss to his forehead and try to pretend he's just sleeping.
Bobby points out a makeshift grave and we dig her up, salt her, and burn her. There's the man Bobby killed and I leave him. Inside a house we find Andy and Ava. Ava's neck is snapped and Andy looks like a demon went at him. My heart, if it wasn't already broken and withered would have for Andy. I didn't even know this Ava chick. We salt are burn them. Its morning by the time we're done. There are no clues and I'm so tired. I just want to lie down beside Sammy and die. It's been raining so hard since we finished and I just stand there. The pain is too much.
"You fucking bastard! Where the hell are you, huh? Where are you now? You son of a bitch! What went down here? What the fuck did you do? What? Now that Sammy's dead you're done fucking with me?" there's no answer and I'm so cold and tired. Bobby steers me to the Impala and I can't drive. I can't drive because Sammy is gone and it just doesn't feel right to have Bobby shotgun so I sit shotgun and turn away to look out the window. Bobby wants to talk but I just… I just can't. It's too fresh, too new, and too raw. We drive in silence and Bobby pretends he doesn't hear me sobbing. Sam isn't here to comfort me, and he doesn't know what to do. He can't replace Sammy. He can't ever reach anything close to what Sam was. No one can. I close my eyes and wish I could change the past. My heart is already aching from it's fractures and missing pieces and now its decayed completely. Sammy was the only thing that kept my heart from growing cold and now he's gone.
I've failed.
My little brother is dead and I've failed.
A/N: just a little thoughtful piece on All Hell Breaks Loose Pt 1. There are slight slashly elements if you squint and really look.