A/N: This is an idea that's been plaguing me since the fifth episode aired. What if things had gone differently? What if Mrs. Hughes hadn't told John what she knew?Originally the prologue was supposed to be a bit longer, but the ending fit just fine where it was. This is going to a multi-chapter story and I hope you'll enjoy it. Thanks to the GB girls for helping me out.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, only my laptop, and my adorable cat.
"The sun will stop shining soon
And you'll be gone from my life
Yeah, you'll be gone," –Love Like This by Kodaline
"My wife no longer loves me. The sight of me is torture for her, which is torture for me. If you will not let me hear the truth, I will hand in my resignation now and be gone before she gets back," His own voice shocked him.
It sounded hollow, foreign, and his heart fell, the cavity in his chest aching even as the words fell from his lips, settling heavily in the room, and he paused one last time, waiting for Mrs. Hughes to speak.
Mrs. Hughes remained silent, her lips pressed into a firm line. John found himself reaching for the doorknob, and he wished she would say something, anything to stop him. But instead, the Scottish woman perched in her small chair, unmoving as he stepped forward.
"So be it."
Stepping out into the hall, John was assailed by the din of the bustling kitchen maids, all commanded by Mrs. Patmore's shrill voice, the banging of pots and pans filling the downstairs atmosphere with chaos. As the everyday bustle of Downton surrounded him, he couldn't help but feel like his world was slipping between his fingers. One moment his life was rosy and beautiful and he'd had everything he'd ever wanted, and yet in the next it'd been snatched away by another cruel twist of fate.
Anna was detached, distant, and for the life of him, he couldn't determine what he'd done wrong, the ache of her silence killing him every day. Even now, as he moved down the impossibly long hallway his feet grew heavy as his heart sunk with the weight of his decision.
Mrs. Hughes' pleading voice was lost on him as he strode down the hall, as if he were off to town on some errand. But he wouldn't be back, not this time. He couldn't look at the place the same, not while he tormented himself with the possibilities of what he might have done to hurt the one good thing in his life. The thin hall was suddenly too much, it was all too much. John felt as though he couldn't breathe, the grief pressing in on him, the air around him buzzing. Even the idea of leaving, the very idea of abandoning everything he had worked so hard for, made his stomach turn.
Feeling his heart contract as he thought about how the rest of the house would take his departure, John pressed on, shaking his head free of the shame. His Lordship would be sorely disappointed, but he couldn't stay. Not now, not when he knew Anna didn't want him.
Anna. The thought of her alone was nearly enough to make him pause. He loved her, God, how he loved her, but maybe he hadn't been enough for her in the end. With that thought, he donned his coat and turned to leave.
His hand on the doorknob, John felt Mrs. Hughes' hand clutch at his coat as she stood next to him on the step, her eyes filling with tears as she spoke.
"Mr. Bates, this is not very like you! You cannot leave! Anna would… I can't say what she would do! Just… stay." Dropping her hand from his arm, Mrs. Hughes swiped at a tear as she watched him, finally whispering, "Anna loves you." John rarely saw Mrs. Hughes this frantic; it killed him to think of what she and Anna were hiding, but he could no longer keep his frustrations at bay.
"I have no choice, Mrs. Hughes!" he hissed, careful to keep his voice low, "You say she loves me— if that is so, why must I go home to an empty house and an empty bed? You know something, what I have done, but you will not say what it is."
John swallowed the grief and felt his heart plummet as Mrs. Hughes stared at him wordlessly.
"If you will not tell me, I cannot stay."
Turning to the door, he opened it, stepping out into the chilly afternoon air and walked through the courtyard, his heart ripping in two every step of the way. Here, Anna and he had shared so much, so many lovely memories, their first kiss, his less than traditional proposal, yet among the happy memories, there were the sad ones. Suddenly, as if she were there in front of him, as if it were yesterday, he could see Anna standing there, reaching out to him, stopping him, her face pale and her tears glittering in the moonlight.
"If she's threatening to ruin me, then let her! It's nothing to me! The only ruin that I recognize is to be without you!"
The echo of her sobs still tainted the March air as John swept across the courtyard, his eyes stinging as he wished away all of the memories.
A/N: I hope that this will be an enjoyable journey for you all, and I do hope you'll stick with me. All will not run smoothly for our lovely Mr. and Mrs. Bates, but of course, I hope you'll enjoy it!