Spike's P.O.V.

I'll never forget that moment in the alleyway when I knew I lost what was mine. I knew that Angelus had finally returned to me and hopefully this time he would not be back to kill.

All of the humans that he surrounded himself with as Angel none of them could tell when he transformed but I could. Everything about Angel versus Angelus is completely different. His smell, his taste in clothes, the way he stands, everything about him is different when he has the soul.

Grant it the last time I encountered Angelus in his true form I betrayed him to the slayer but I had still not learned the truth about why he left me. I still believed Darla's lies that she told me for over a hundred years.

"You disgust him, he realized the mistake he made and now this whole family has lost their Daddy all because of you."

She must have said that to me a thousand times just reconfirming all the fears I had before. The only comfort I truly had was Drusilla, she would tell me about our Daddy and how he was still out there missing us completely. Drusilla had never lied to me before so why would I believe any different.

It was the truth but I had no idea that Angel refused to return to me. How was I to know that he would want to come back to me in hope that we would be as we were always supposed to be.

When we ran into each other at the school I was just so pissed that he even had the nerve to touch me after what he had said to me in China.

Flashback

Drusilla came running to me as I was brushing the horses down. She was more excited then I had ever seen my dark princess.

"He is back Spike Daddy is finally here. Come you must not keep him waiting."

I was so giddy I could not believe I was going to see the man that holds my world together. When we last saw each other I had no idea that it would be the last time and I had planned on making up for it.

I come running into the room to see my Angelus holding Darla telling her on how he has returned to his Sire. I hear him beg her to forgive him and to allow him back into her bed. I couldn't believe that the man who claimed me and is mated to me asking his bitch of a sire to go back into her bed.

I was outraged beyond pissed that he even had the nerve to be in the same room as the two of us and he didn't even notice me. Darla told me to go and prepare their room and to make sure that they had everything that they might need, whips, chains, blindfolds, basically one trip around the vampire play chest.

The whole time I was waiting for him to say something anything but he kept his head down and did not even look at me. That of course just pissed me off that much more. I knew I had to get him alone if I wanted to hear the truth so I waited.

For two days I waited for him to be alone and then finally Darla took Drusilla out shopping and I had my moment to find out the truth. He was standing in the dressing room of the master suite and I knew he had no escape.

Here he was just standing there fresh from the tub and I wanted him, desperately. Nothing he was going to say or do was going to stop me from having what I wanted.

"So Sire is there anything you would care to explain to me?"

He turns his head and looks at me like I have lost my mind. When he speaks I am shocked to hear what comes out, since it is not my sire's voice.

"I have nothing to explain to you, I owe you nothing. What makes you think that I, Angelus has anything to say to someone like you?"

I was in shock I couldn't believe he said that to me and I knew I should have not said anymore but my mouth has always gotten me into trouble and this time was no different.

"You are not Angelus, for my Sire would do anything for his favored, his mate, his lover and that would be me. Why are you denying me?"

He now looks afraid but I have no idea why and it just makes me that much more sad. I run my fingers over the scar that he made on me when he claimed me and I feel my undead heart breaking for nothing made me sadder then knowing that I no longer have Angelus.

"Deny what look at you, you are not worthy enough to be put into the same category as myself. Why would I want some half dead useless little boy who cannot even do the simplest of tasks? You are a disgrace to this family and to me; if I were you I would wait out in the sun and save me the hassle of dusting you myself."

End Flashback

When he hugged me I had almost forgotten everything until I saw him smile that is what set me off. He actually looked happy to see me and I could not believe that he waited this long to return to me and now he expects everything to be okay.

I couldn't do it so I faked the wheel chair so I did not have to worry about him touching me for I knew if we had a night together I would forgive him for any crime that he might commit. He was pissed that I as weak enough to be broken by Buffy but I did not care I had already begun the plans on exacting my revenge on him.

Sending him to hell was the only way that I could to make him feel the same amount of pain I did that night in china when I lost him. I of course was wrong but I always have been when it has anything to do with Angelus.

Finally I had heard about the infamous souled vampire and I did my best to forget that he even existed. I denied him as my sire coming up with the story that it was strictly Drusilla who was my Sire and excluded everything that has to do with Angelus.

I couldn't do it though, I couldn't stand that Angel felt some sort of love towards Buffy and nothing for me so I set about to make him hurt by attempting to rape Buffy. Of course he never came after me or did anything but I knew I had to do something different.

The powers to be sent me a vision of Angelus and me laughing and joking together standing over the dead bodies of all those who kept us apart and I knew I would do anything to make that vision to come true. When I asked how to achieve that vision they told me to go to Africa.

I did the test and faced all the trails, I followed their rules to the tee but in return I got the soul. First the chip and now I have guilt. I knew I was a bad person but I had no idea that I deserved no happiness in this lifetime or the next.

At the end of everything and they asked me for my one wish I asked for the thing that I always wish for. "I wish to have my happiness back."

What did I get though a damn soul. Everyone thought it was just so sweet that I would go and reform myself out of guilt for what I did to Buffy but that was the further-est thing from the truth.

I stuck by all their sides fighting as one of them for a very longtime until Buffy was resurrected from the dead. When she came to me looking for him I knew I could go to her looking for him as well. Buffy used me as a replacement to Angel and I used her for she got the love of the man that is mine.

It wasn't too bad the weird awkward relationship that developed between Buffy and I. It wasn't healthy or meaningful but it filled the void that Angelus left in all of us.

When I closed the hell mouth I figured that all my pain would finally be over and I would finally get a break from the pain while I burned in hell but I was wrong once again. Going from hell to standing in Angel's office just pissed me off that much more. What did a demon have to do to get away from that gorgeous face of his?

My first moment of being alive once again was filled with the look of disgust coming from Angel and I knew that I would never feel the warmth that comes from Angelus ever again. I had to attack him but then ended up standing in the middle of the desk.

I couldn't go a second of a day without wanting to kill Angel for I can see him and yet I could not have him. I knew then that was what hell was having the man of my desires within a hairs reach and never being able to be with him again.

So I hung around and gave him the same pain that he caused for me everyday. I stood there and watched as he acted so noble and so chivalrous when I knew that he broke my heart and my soul. I did not understand why when he gained his soul he lost me but when I gained mine it only made me love Angelus that more.

I did everything that I could to be put into dangers way for hoping that one battle would be the last one and I would not have to return to the demon that holds the form of my unlife. I was always victorious and I always returned to Angel.

I could not leave Angel for I knew that one day the soul would leave and I would have him back again, so it is just a matter of waiting. That is exactly what I did; I waited and watched as he would bed more and more blondes and never me.

At night I would fantasize about him sneaking into my apartment just to ravage my body taking me over and over again in my bed. I would fantasize about him telling me he loved me only and never cared for the other women in his life but I of course only had the dreams of those words.

The whole gang is worried that Wolf, Ram, and Hart has taken over Angel and he is no longer their proud hero that will go one fighting another great fight, I on the other hand was praying and wishing that finally Angel had lost his soul but once again I was wrong.

Of course he had this big plan to save the day and to make the senior partners know that we are here and not going anywhere. When he asked if we were game I of course was the first person to have their hand raised for this sounded like the perfect way to finally end my life, fighting in a grand battle standing beside my mate.

We all had our one day to do as we pleased and I had to do the second best thing ever so I went and read poems that I had written for Angelus over the years in a biker bar. I knew then standing in all that filth that I would die that day never knowing the truth, Did Angelus really love me?

The whole gang met at my small apartment and I knew from the second he walked through that door that I had m Sire back. He comes strutting into my apartment wearing leather and looking better then he has in decades. He is confident and proud, dead give aways for Angelus, ready to take on the world.

He gives out all of our duties and I see him looking at me longer then anyone else in the room, I know then for a fact that maybe if we make it through all of the fighting and hiding that we maybe able to have something in the end.

After I finished kidnapping the baby and returning it to his mother I rushed as quickly as possible back to him. Through the rain I see his strong form waiting by the fence and I hurry that much more for I hope that I will have just a few seconds of privacy.

He looks at me with longing in his eyes and I want to scream to him that I had never stopped loving nor will I ever, but my chance was interrupted by Illyria and Gunn.

The fight was hard and bloody we fought until Gunn died. We paused for just a mere moment to mourn the loss of a great warrior and the battle then continued. Illyria was covered head to toe in blood and was growing tired of fighting us lower beings.

Angelus on the other hand was enjoying every moment he had of causing destruction and death. He savored each time his blade would pierce the bodies he would laugh anytime another would even try to touch him. He was in heaven and so did I know that he is here.

Everything was going perfect until the dragon's tail knocked him down. It happened in slow motion for me every moment of Angelus happened all too slow. I watched him as he turned and looked at me right before he turned to dust.

Why would he look at me, why did his last sight have to be of me crying out for him not to leave me? I was broken I couldn't take the thought of living without him so I went on a warpath for death. I took everybody and everything on for a battle to the death.

What I did not expect is to live after the battle. I didn't expect to be standing in Italy knocking on a loft door at 4am telling Buffy that her great warrior is dead. But I did and it hurt. She cried on my shoulders for hours about her dreams that she had planned for the two of them or about the way they would fight together in battle.

When the sun was finally rising she just looked at me and told me flat, "You loved more then I ever could, stay here with me and we can live together feeling the love that he left behind."

Today is the one year anniversary of Angelus's death and for the most part live has moved on. I help Buffy train her little girls to fight us big bad evil vampires and I patrol every night just hoping that tonight would be the night I finally get to return to Angelus in hell.

I still haven't and I know that I will probably get stuck on this earth forever without my heart ever being fully intact ever again.

I return back to the home that Buffy and I have built together over this last year and I can feel the meaning behind today in full force. I want to do nothing more then to curl up onto my bed and get lost in the drawings that Angelus used to draw for me and his favorite plum.

When I walk through the door I am greeted by a happy Buffy. She glides over to me wearing little to nothing hoping that today would be the day that I give in and rekindle our old relationship. I know that tonight I am not in the mood for her school girl games as I walk right past her and go into my room.

Once I am hidden behind my four walls I break down and feel the pain of today. I cry for hours wishing for my Angelus to be returned. That I would do anything is anything to have him back in my life. For the first hour of my break down I listened to Buffy banging on the door begging me to let her in but after a while she finally gave up.

I am not sure of when I fell asleep but I can tell you the exact moment when I woke up. I was in the middle of a dream where Angelus and I are walking hand in hand down the beach in the sun when it happened. Cordelia appeared before us causing Angelus to fade away.

"Are you ready William?"

"Ready for what beauty queen?"

"It is time William your one wish has finally been granted and it is waiting for you right now on your door step."

I awake to my cold dark room unsure if what she was true but I knew I had to go and find out. I grab my duster and throw it on over my naked body and quickly run out to the front door. I do not pay attention to anything as I rip open the front door.

The sun had just barely set and you could still see the rays coming up from the hills. As I am looking around I se nobody, I do not see my happiness any where and I know that the power that be are just simply fucking with me and it hurts just that much more.

I turn around and I am about turn and shut the door when I hear it the sound I haven't heard in so long. It is only one word that is spoken but it is all that I need to hear to know he is back.

"William"