Title: It's Tough Being a Sebacean Look-Alike
Author: Tragos the Goat Queen (a.k.a. invisblescaper)
Email: sunshine917_32@yahoo.com
Summary: A summary won't do the story justice, but here's one anyway: Aeryn's sick, so Zhaan, John, and D'Argo go down to a planet (that doesn't take too kindly to Sebaceans, I might add) to find a missing ingredient for Zhaan's cure.
Spoilers: This isn't up-to-date. Yes, I began writing it during season 3's break, but it's got Zhaan in it and when I write stories, I take elements I like from anyplace in the series history and I mix them all around in a big pot and then see what comes out. It's more fun to do that way. So I guess it could be considered AU, if you're really that stingy (j/k). As for actual spoilers, I mention the Chair in passing. Obviously, if you don't know what chair I'm talking about, you haven't seen the episode. And the premiere. There is a place I here that I could have plausibly used A LOT of spoilers, but I refrained from doing so in case you hadn't seen that episode. Yes, I know, I'm such a sweet person.
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone, but if I did, I wouldn't kill them off so frequently. What am I talking about, sure I would! My only stipulation is that they come back.
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"How's she doin'?" Commander John Crichton demanded as he entered Zhaan's lab.
"I'm fine, Crichton," Aeryn answered nasally. "It's just a touch of the Styrinthian Flu; nothing to get excited about." She sneezed. Zhaan's head perked up at the sound. She stepped away from the table where John could see that she was concocting something and confronted the officer.
"Did you take the tablets?" she asked with an accusing tone.
"Of course I didn't take your frelling tablets," Aeryn growled. "I am a fully trained Peacekeeper officer. I do not need your *sneeze* tablets."
"Tough customer, eh, Doc?" John asked with a grin. Aeryn glared at him.
"You should've been the one that got sick," Aeryn grumbled just barely loud enough to hear.
John tried, unsuccessfully, to hide a smirk. Zhaan smiled a knowing smile at him and then turned back to her patient. Her demeanor changed and she became the doctor once again. "Take the tablets, Aeryn Sun, or I'll make sure that your only visitor is Rygel."
Aeryn cringed and reluctantly took the tablets, all the while glaring at Zhaan. "You know they won't do anything. Never in my life have I met a tablet that would stop a sneezing Sebacean."
"I'm sure they'll have the desired effect," Zhaan stated simply as Aeryn yawned.
Her "And just what is that supposed to mean?" was cut short when her eyes rolled up and she fell back on the bed, asleep.
"Just as I thought," Zhaan said as she got back to her mixture.
"What was in those tablets?" John asked while wearing a crooked grin.
"A sedative. She was driving me crazy, John. I never want to care for a 'fully trained Peacekeeper officer' again."
John stifled a giggle as he made his way over to where she was. "Wassat?" he asked with a quizzical look on his handsome features.
"It's something I hope will work on Sebacean physiology. If it does, it's a sure way to relieve the symptoms of Styrinthian Flu."
"'Hope'?" John asked. "Just what'll happen if it doesn't work?"
"Don't worry, John, nothing serious. She might develop a rash accompanied by some nausea, but that's as fatal as it gets." She moved away from the mix again, clearly looking for something. John peered into the beaker, eyeing the brown/grey liquid. Some of the smell wafted up to his nose. His hands flew up to cover his mouth and nose as he turned away.
"Ugh! That is rank!"
"John!" Zhaan whispered sharply as her eyes snapped up at him, interrupting her search. "Keep your voice down; I don't want her waking up! It was hard enough getting her to take the tablets in the first place. How will I get her to take them again now that she knows what they do?"
"Oh, sorry, Blue," John said quietly. "Just what is in that stuff? Yech."
Zhaan laughed voicelessly. "John, if I told you, you would stare at me blankly and then say something from your planet that my microbes wouldn't have a chance of translating."
"You know me too well," he said with a cock of his head.
Zhaan shook her head with a slight smile and went back to her quest. Right before John was ready to leave the room, he heard Zhaan's disgusted cry. "Where the frell is it?!"
"Whatcha lookin' for?"
"Vulkdralgon serum." She regretted it as soon as the words were out of her mouth. Sure enough, he did what she had expected.
After a blank gaze had held her eyes for a few microts, he said, "Volkswagen serum?"
She threw up her hands and said a silent prayer to her Goddess that she could get through today with an extremely grumpy patient and a barely understandable alien. As D'Argo stormed in complaining about Rygel, she added an irritable crewmate and a greedy ex-dominar to the list. To Crichton, she said, "I just need it to finish the compound. Don't bother yourself with where it is or what it does. Just know that's it's hard to find and leave it at that." Turning to D'Argo, she asked, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I found Rygel rummaging through your things again. I would have taken care of it myself, but I remembered what happened last time."
"I was none too pleased with that," she said, remembering when D'Argo had tried to "take care of it himself" and managed to destroy a chest full of hard-to-find oils and herbs.
Rygel floated in then, immediately saying, "Whatever he's saying about me, it isn't true."
"Of course it is, Frog Face!" Chiana said upon entering the lab. She may have not known what anyone was talking about, but she knew that look on Rygel's face, not to mention the fact that she knew Rygel.
D'Argo and Rygel then got into a shouting match. Chiana watched gleefully (she loved this stuff). Zhaan simply tried to quiet them while glancing at Aeryn every now and then. Then she saw Aeryn stir and uncertainly sit up.
"What happened?" she asked with a confused expression. "Zhaan!" she exclaimed, her memory returning in a wave. "What was in those tablets that you gave me?!"
Zhaan grimaced. "Well, Aeryn . . . "
Zhaan's explanation was lost to John as he left the lab, laughing all the way.
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John was on Command with D'Argo and Chiana. It had been about half an arn since the commotion tapered out in Zhaan's lab. Since then, Aeryn refused to take any more of Zhaan's tablets even when told they were different. She just sulked in the lab. Zhaan had found that she couldn't find the Vulkdralgon serum, but Pilot had informed her that Moya had found a planet on which there was a magician/medicine man that had a reputation for possessing substances that you would not normally find in a regular market. So that's where they were now, orbiting around this planet.
"I don't think we should let her go down alone," John spoke up.
"Agreed," D'Argo said.
"Can I go?" Chiana asked hopefully.
John and D'Argo exchanged looks. "No," they chorused.
"I never get to go. Why don't you ever let me go?"
"Because you always get us in trouble, Pip," John supplied.
"I've heard of this planet, Gondilea. There is really good shopping to be done there."
"All the more reason. This is not shore leave. You're staying here."
Chiana mumbled something inaudibly as D'Argo said, "If we are going with her, we'd better get to the transport. She's about to leave."
"Right. Chi, you stay here and guard . . . everything from Rygel's grubby little hands. We'll be back before you can say 'Volkswagen serum'."
"Volkswagen serum," she said, carefully wrapping her mouth around the unfamiliar word.
"It's a fig-- Oh, forget it," he said, dismissing the matter with a wave of his hand. "Well, we're off to see the wizard."
D'Argo gave him a curious look, but shrugged it away. He pulled the astronaut out of Command and then D'Argo and John disappeared around the corner. After a few microts, Chiana exited, following without them knowing in that way that's uniquely Chiana's.
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"Yes, D'Argo and Crichton?" Zhaan asked tiredly as they entered the bay.
"We are coming with you," D'Argo said gruffly.
"Why is that?"
"Lemme think," John said sarcastically, "you're a lone Delvian female walking around a marketplace totally lost looking for some witch doctor who's got some serum that you need to fix your sick friend."
"I assure you that I can take care of myself, Crichton," Zhaan said plainly.
"Oh, I know that, and D'Argo knows that, but those people down there don't know that."
Zhaan sighed. She knew she was loosing this argument. "Very well," she said, succumbing to their request. "You are welcome to join me on the planet."
A look of triumph was plastered on John and D'Argo's faces as they followed Zhaan into the transport. She started it up, and they were on their way.
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Chiana moved toward the door of the transport as D'Argo and John were preoccupied with Zhaan. She heard Zhaan say, "I can assure you that I can take care of myself, Crichton," as she found a good hiding place behind a console toward the back.
'They're not telling Chiana what to do,' she thought. 'This girl is doing what she wants to , just like always. Let's see them just try to stop me.' She chuckled quietly to herself as she heard the three aliens get on and the transport start up. 'This was easier than I thought.'
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"Pilot," Aeryn called after trying to get Rygel out of Zhaan's lab and away from her (and Zhaan's things, I might add). "Where is Chiana?"
"Chiana is not aboard," Pilot said. "She has gone down to the planet with D'Argo, Crichton, and Zhaan."
"She went down to the planet?" Aeryn asked. "Rygel, stop that!"
Rygel chuckled and floated to the other side of the table.
"Affirmative. Whatever you need her for, I'm sure a DRD would be happy to assist you." One of the DRDs next to Aeryn's bed squeaked in confirmation.
Aeryn smiled at the little robot. "I appreciate it, Pilot, but DRDs don't have arms. They can't pick Rygel up and throw him out!" she said sharply in Rygel's direction.
"Oh, Aeryn," he said as he feigned a hurt expression, "don't you enjoy my company?"
"As much as always," she said flatly. As long as Zhaan had her bedridden, she couldn't do anything about him. "Frell it!" Aeryn said as Rygel dropped a jar, shattering it and spilling the yellow contents onto the floor. She stood up, a little wobbly at first, but she got over it when she grabbed the Hynerian. "I know I told you to GET OUT!" She threw him out of the room. His body was quickly followed by his ThroneSled which landed beside him. He waddled over to it and climbed in it.
"Grumpy, isn't she?" he asked a DRD that was rolling down the corridor. It chirped, but kept moving. Rygel sighed. "This is not the life of a dominar."
**********************
"Come on, D'Argo, it doesn't smell all that bad," John said as they walked through the miscellaneous stands that made up the market.
"Maybe not to you, Human, but I am a Luxan. It smells terrible."
"Sweet D'Argo, you must see past it," Zhaan said.
"Be assured that seeing is not the problem."
"We only need to be down here for a little while, Big Guy," John said, "just long enough to find what we're looking for. Then we'll skedaddle."
"Then I look forward to the time when we will 'skedaddle'."
Unbeknownst to them, a certain Nebari girl that we all know and love climbed cautiously out of the transport. Chiana was absolutely giddy at the prospect of successfully stowing away, not that she had any doubt in her mind that she would. She was very thirsty, and she promptly "borrowed" a cup of raslak. She was examining the booths around her, quickly finding out that this planet was all that they said it was, when a man stepped up beside her.
"Hello," greeted a deep voice.
"Hi, there," Chiana answered.
He got closer to her, clearly sensing a green light. "Where'd you get that raslak?"
"There's a booth over there," she purred, not disliking his advances. She gestured with the raslak.
"Really?" he asked sensually. "You know that's pretty expensive over there,"
"It wasn't a problem," Chiana said in a hinting tone.
"Oh, I see." He moved behind her. Then a sharp whistle pierced the air. "She's the one," the man told the guards that came running.
"What's going on?!" Chiana demanded, dropping the lifted raslak.
"Stealing is absolutely forbidden on Gondilea," the main guard informed her as he put restraints on her wrists.
"You have no proof that I stole that!" Chiana decided to play along with their little game. 'It's not like I can't always just escape later,' she thought, 'and it'll be so much funnier when I escape from the holding facility.' She pretended to struggle for a microt, but then gave up and let them carry her off.
Across the market, John noticed how people were staring at them.
"Uhh, D'Argo? Do you notice anything . . . odd?"
D'Argo agreed. "It seems we're quite popular."
"They almost look . . . scared."
"'Nervous' is a more accurate description," Zhaan corrected. "Look over there," she said pointing. "That appears to be the business I'm looking for."
"Okay, Zhaan, we'll wait out here for you."
As soon as Zhaan was gone, a native behind them shouted, "Oy! Sabacean!"
"That'd be me," John said to D'Argo, and twirled around to face a crowd of angry locals that seemed to have been following them. "Yeah?"
"We don't like Peacekeepers around here," he said menacingly.
D'Argo reflexively pulled out his Qualta blade and moved behind John, obviously willing to fight for him if need be. It was in vain, however, when someone behind him hit him in the base of the skull. He went down. John looked back, worried.
"D'Argo?" D'Argo was obviously unconscious, and John's call didn't elicit any response.
"You're coming with us, Peacekeeper," the man said, nodding to the people behind him. They grabbed him and slipped some restraints on his wrists. "Sabaceans are warned about coming here, but for some reason, a few of you will stumble on to Gondilea. You will be dealt with."
"What about my friends, the Luxan and the Delvian?" John asked.
"Your prisoners will be set free. I'm sure your superiors will be angry about that. That is, if you ever see them again."
The last thing John remembered was a hard pressure against the base of his skull and a loud "Whoomph!" before everything went black.