Title: Mary Sue Wars: Episode Two: Attack of the Rabid Mary Sues!

Author: Jeniveela

A/N: Vedui il'er! Yes, another slightly humorous, satirical fan fic from Jeniveela. This is just a one-shot thing I did when I was bored and was thinking about how Gimli and Legolas disappear from the timeline for about one hundred fifty years or so after the quest of the Ring is completed. I was wondering what happened to them during this time before they sailed away from Ithilien down the Anduin and why nothing is recorded about it.

So hand met keyboard, and lo and behold! This odd little fan fic, which is sort of a parody of Mary Sues, was born. -^_^-

As always, please read and review if you would be so kind…

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A long time ago, in Arda, which was really not so very far away (depending on which planet you're living)…

The moon's silvery shafts pierced through the thick, dark canopy overhead as Legolas Greenleaf ran through the forest, his Elven feet hardly bending a blade of grass underfoot nor crunching a single fallen leaf as he ran from the evil foe that was pursuing him. He grasped his bow in one hand as he bolted, a shaft just begging to be set to string grasped in his other hand as he bolted from the terror that was after him.

As he ducked beneath a particularly low tree branch which reached out across his path like a gnarly, grasping claw, he dared to glance back over his shoulder while he ran.

"Gimli! Hurry!" he cried back to his companion who was doing his best to keep up with the Elf's fleet pace. "They're gaining on us!"

Several feet behind him, the stout, burly Dwarf was doing his best to stop from being left behind in the dust, his brawny arms swinging as he ran, his axe in hand. Huffing and puffing like a winded rhinoceros as he charged ahead after the swift and nimble Elf, he called gruffly back, "We Dwarves are not cross country sprinters! We're only very dangerous over short distances!"

The Elf only shook his head in response, sending a ripple down his shoulder-length waterfall of golden blonde hair as he continued to keep up his brisk pace without looking back. Gimli could have sworn he heard him mutter, "So much for him then…"

As he glared at Legolas's retreating back and furrowed his brow in dogged concentration to keep breathing, Gimli was so bold as to glance back over his shoulder at the evil that was right on their trails. His beady Dwarven eyes only caught a glimpse of a lithe dark form leaping at him from behind in the shadows, and then he saw no more…

~*~*~*~*

The hoarse, gruff shout reached his pointed, keen Elven ears as Legolas Greenleaf dashed out into the clearing in the forest. He abruptly came to a halt and whirled around to face the direction whence he came. Seeing that Gimli was nowhere to be seen, Legolas knew the grim fate that had met his Dwarven friend, the same grim fate that could have befallen him had he lingered a bit longer to wait for the Dwarf.

"Alas," he murmured to himself, "Gimli is taken…" He shuddered though the night's breathy wind was warm and balmy on his fair skin. "…by Mary Sues…"

~*~*~*~*

"I'VE GOT HIM! I'VE GOT HIM! I'VE- Hey! Wait a minute! This isn't Legolas! This is the ugly little fat man!"

Gimli grunted and yelled hoarsely as he struggled for all he was worth beneath the weight of his attacker, who was sitting on his back on top of him, pinning him down and smashing his bearded face into the damp soil of the forest. His head was caught in an iron like vise grip, which hindered his struggles. His axe was pinned beneath him, so he could not attack his aggressor who had a strangely bell-like, feminine, high pitched, indignant voice as she shrieked cheerfully in his ear from above him. In this moment while he struggled to break free, he realized that she was rather heavy for a girl who had a waist that was about as thick around as a pencil.

"Hey ugly little fat man!" his attacker crowed shrilly in his ear. "It's very probable that if I squeeze my legs together, I could make your brains come out through your nose! If you don't want to have to use a Kleenex to clean up what's left of your brain after I crush it, you better tell me where the Elf went RIGHT NOW!"

Gimli muttered something that was rather loud and rather vulgar as he flailed his stubby, brawny legs in a vain attempt to try to struggle out from under his attacker.

"All right! You asked for it!" the voice above him squealed as the grip around his neck constricted tightly like a lobster's pincher grip.

Now normally, Gimli wouldn't have betrayed his friend, even if he was an Elf. A Dwarf's word is a very sacred thing to him, like his axe, and like his axe, a Dwarf's word is not broken easily. But when it comes between having your head crushed like an egg and giving away which way your Elven friend so conveniently escaped, suddenly the latter doesn't seem so bad anymore…(After all, Legolas would live for thousands of years. He couldn't hold a grudge against his friend for betraying him just once for thousands of years? Right? Right?)

"GAH! That way! That way!" the Dwarf muttered through clenched teeth as he twisted in pain and managed to jerk his bushy head in the direction in which the Elven prince had escaped only seconds before.

"Thank you, ugly little fat man!"

His head was suddenly released as the female assailant bound up lightly with cat-like grace. Reeling in pain as he sat up, Gimli caught one last glance of his attacker as she sprinted off through the forest, light as a gazelle and quick as Shadowfax, her dainty footsteps hardly touching the ground as she fled. He got only the vague impression of an incredibly slim female figure hitching up a silvery gown that was obviously in imitation of a certain Elven princess's dress as she ran, and flowing, incredibly shiny blonde hair bouncing against her back before he was run down by something like a stampede of Wargs.

"Ugh! Eiama Mary Sue! You get back here right now! We saw him first!" Gimli heard above him as he was charged over.

Thoroughly winded and gasping for breath, the Dwarf sat up, clutching his axe, just in time to see what had run him over like a herd of stampeding Wargs. His beady, dark eyes widened in horror as he caught a glimpse from behind of the evil creatures that had run him down, for they were much more wicked and malevolent than Wargs or even the vilest of Uruk-hai.

No, these creatures were much, much worse…Not even Sauron himself could create such a vile, despicable creature capable of such evil…

It was a group of - *GASP!* -MARY SUES!

Still panting for breath, Gimli struggled to his feet, using his axe as a support. Hefting the axe above his head and charging ahead through the forest, he shouted, "Hang on, Legolas! DON'T LET THE MARY SUES GET YOU BEFORE I GET THERE!"

Of course, what he didn't add was that after he got there, the Mary Sues could do with him all they wanted. There was a certain sort of sadistic glee Gimli got out of sitting back and watching the Elven prince being tackled to the ground, grabbed, pulled in all sorts of directions at once, drooled on, and generally maltreated by rabid females who were so eager to become the next queen of Mirkwood….

~*~*~*~*

A/N: So what did you think? Like it? Hate it? Think I've read too much of Terry Pratchett's work? (To which I will happily respond, "There is no such thing as reading too much of the brilliant work of Mr. Terry Pratchett!" -^_^-)

There is a quote from one of Terry Pratchett's books in here. Tell me which book it's from, and I'll dedicate the next (and probably last) chapter to you! Yes, it isn't a very good prize but…

By the way, if you're a fan of my 'Legolas Sees a Psychiatrist', don't worry! I'm still working on the second chapter, but I've been really busy with 'other things' lately, so I still have some work to do on it before I post it up. It'll be up soon!

Please click the review button and tell me what you think! Reviews are nice, very nice…Constructive criticism is very good also, but flames will simply be given to the uber-spiffy Balrog!

Diola lle!