Even after Lily Evans stopped speaking to him – even after Severus realised there was no way back; no way that she would ever forgive him for calling her a Mudblood – he still couldn't stop himself from watching her. The pain was dull but constant; a mix of shame and sorrow somewhere beneath his chest.
'I'm sorry.'
'I'm not interested.'
'I'm sorry.'
'Save your breath.'
Lily didn't seem to miss him like he missed her, or else she was very good at pretending. She ignored him, continued to laugh with her many friends, kept on performing excellently in her classes and still threw sharp retorts James Potter's way.
Potter. Severus would often observe that louse looking greedily at Lily. He wasn't the only one to do so, although he was certainly the most persistent. She was, after all, very pretty.
It wasn't her physical beauty that drew Severus in though. Of course she was gorgeous: dark, silky smooth red hair that ended with a soft curl, resting on her shoulders. Her pale, lightly freckled skin that seemed to glow. Her button nose, her full pink lips and those eyes, those bright green eyes flecked with sunlight. They seemed to exude warmth and gentleness. And it was Lily's warmth and compassion that had made Severus fall so deeply in love with her.
Nothing would ever convince him that James Potter loved her in the same way that he did. James Potter would love her aesthetic beauty; he would even love her sharp tongue and witty remarks. But Severus knew that James Potter would never even understand the best of her.
In fact, Severus was unsure that even Lily understood the best thing about her. He sometimes thought that only such an abject existence as he could ever appreciate the wonder that she was.
She was the first person to ever love him. In fact, she was the only person to ever love him. His mother and father were too busy fighting with each other to spare him a second thought. The children of Spinner's End avoided the strange "Snape boy" at all costs. Even after he started Hogwarts and made some friends – these were more like alliances and certainly no love came into it. Yet Lily Evans loved him. And when he was around her, he liked everyone else a little better than he did while he was by himself.
He was a scruffy, freakish, Slytherin boy with far more darkness than light in his heart. And she loved him.
It was stupid, stupid to join the Death Eaters. True, he preferred the company of Mulciber and Avery to lowlifes like Potter and Black. And, yes, he hadn't before met a Muggle that he liked – his father, his neighbours, Lily's bratty sister, Petunia … but to have joined an organisation that hated Muggle-borns … so very stupid of him …
'Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?'
'… No. It doesn't make any difference.'
No wonder she couldn't forgive him.
When his worst fears were realised and Lily and Potter began to go out, he tried to convince himself he didn't care. He tried to push her into the deepest, darkest recesses of his mind – he should have known she loved the light too much to stand for that. Still, he became engrossed in the Dark Lord's work and it was only when Severus realised that the very information he had relayed to the Dark Lord was so detrimental for Lily that he finally snapped out of his denial.
Severus Snape loved Lily Evans and he needed to protect her.
He begged and begged for her life. He threw the dignity he had fought so hard to acquire aside and became once again that snivelling Snape boy from Spinner's End. The Dark Lord eventually told him if she made no fuss, she would be spared. But that wasn't Lily. The best thing about Lily was the extent of her love and Severus knew her better than anyone.
He knew if one thing in this world was certain, it was that Lily Evans would most definitely make a fuss.
Severus thanked the Dark Lord for his mercy, all the while his heart hammering in his chest, telling him that the man before him would kill Lily Evans in cold blood.
Unless he could do something about it. He didn't need to think twice about betraying the Dark Lord to Albus Dumbledore in the hopes he could protect Lily. The thought of Lily Evans dead was so much worse than any torturous end the Dark Lord could inflict upon him.
'Hide them all, then. Keep her – them – safe. Please.'
'And what will you give me in return, Severus?'
'In – in return? … Anything.'
When she died, he wanted to end it all. Throughout his short life, she had been the only good thing, and now she was dead and it was his fault. He loathed himself and nothing – nothing could entice him to live out the rest of his sorry excuse for an existence. Lily Evans, her perfect life, those bright green eyes …
'Gone … Dead …'
'Is this remorse Severus?'
'I wish … I wish I were dead …'
'And what use would that be to anyone? If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear.'
And suddenly Severus's life became a tribute to her memory. Lily Evans became his existence. The part of him with a reason to live – that reason was entirely hers. Her legacy. The most beautiful selfless part of her lived on in him. And it was only that knowledge that prevented him from ending his misery and his pain.
And after the Dark Lord had risen again and welcomed Severus back into his inner-circle of Death Eaters, the Dark Lord said something that changed everything, and nothing at all.
'I am very pleased to have you back, Severus. There are no hard feelings, then, between you and I, about Lily Potter?'
'Lily P-potter?,' he only stumbled for a fraction of a second with her married name. 'Of course not, my Lord.'
'On your request, Snape, I gave her a chance. I gave her several chances. She wouldn't leave the boy. Her love protected him.' The Dark Lord was silent for a moment. 'But no matter … you have realised, I daresay, that there are many women of purer blood more deserving of you?'
'Indeed I have,' was all he could manage, struggling with this realisation. The Dark Lord had kept his promise. He had offered Lily her life, because he, Severus Snape, had begged him to.
So really it was his love that had given her love the opportunity to save the boy.
That was the best thing about Lily Evans. Lily's love was so beautiful that it changed everyone it touched for the better. Lily's love had taught Severus to love, so that he could be a hero too.
He still hated himself, his melancholia persisted, he would always be tormented by regret. But the beautiful truth was that Lily Evans's love lived on, as powerful and potent a force as it had been the night she had lost her life.
Disclaimer: All Jo Rowling's.
A/n: Written for alohomora080's very fun "True Colors" challenge. My colour was pink, symbolising love and beauty.
I'm not quite sure how I feel about this so I'd love some feedback if you could!
Thanks for reading! ~Q.B.H. xx