Neon Yellow
Chapter One: Bathroom Transformation
Dean tried to whisper over and over that he was not afraid. That this was Sammy, his little brother and well, there was nothing that could come between them right? They'd stopped the apocalypse together. They'd lived through John Winchester together. He'll understand, right? He'll understand why I couldn't do this sooner. Taking a deep breath, Dean began her transformation. First she laid down his primer, a slightly lighter shade than his actual skin tone. She put on her foundation, then the contouring blush. Adding her fake eyelashes and putting on her favorite everyday eye shadow, a shade of neutral brown with a little bit of gold under shade on her lids, she began to breathe more normally. It was days like this Dean blessed the fact she had such large eyes and feminine lips, it made this look even more natural. She looked in the mirror, still in her manly hunter outfits, but her face looking like the one she felt belonged to her. Adding the highlights to her eye shadow and a touch of red lipstick to make her feel powerful, she prepared to tell her brother news she herself had only just started to accept.
As she reached for the door, pure terror stretched throughout her body. Was she really ready to risk losing her brother to feel more comfortable in her own skin? Am I being selfish? Is it really right to change the perception he has had of me, to change his whole world view? Her heart was beating fast in her chest. She felt like she couldn't breathe. She had dreamed about the day when she could be out and in the open, but some part of her wasn't sure she was ready. This was a huge risk, she and Sam never really talked about queer issues or anything like that. I'm going to throw up. Dean hadn't eaten at all today just in case something like that was going to happen, but it was unavoidable the bile rose up in her throat. It tasted sick and acidic, burning as it made its way up her throat. She wanted to wait in the living room for when Sam got back from the grocery store, but she was starting to lose her courage. Every part of her wanted to wash her make-up off her face, to pretend that this wasn't happening, to pretend that she was a man. Why couldn't I have just been born in the right body? Haven't I had enough shit thrown my way?
All the years she had been living the lie, flashed through her mind. So long she tried to act hyper masculine in order to cover the feelings of self-loathing she had inside. Trying to please her dad. To be the son he wanted her to be, but still she remembered that just before her mom died on her third birthday she had asked for a baby doll. It was a beautiful baby doll with the most gorgeous brown curls and green eyes. So realistic looking. But even clearer than she remembered that baby doll, she remembered her father's horror. "That's a girl's toy. You can't play with girls' toys." Dean began to cry and protest and his father gave him a spanking. Mary bought her a G.I. Joe and John told Mary that she had been too soft on the boy. Of course John's anger at his son's female tendencies had only grew stronger after Mary passed and he was half crazy with grief anyhow.
So Dean tried really hard to act masculine, to be her father's ideal of what a man should act like. But Dean still remembered sneaking off to buy mascara and nail polish to wear when no one was around. She still remembered the first bottle of nail polish she ever bought, a simple neon yellow bottle on sale for twenty-five cents. She cried when she brought it home, because it felt like the first step to accepting herself. She had been sixteen. She was thirty-five today and she thought maybe it was time that Sam accepted her too. With that thought she walked out of the bathroom and sat down one the couch in the living room, patiently waiting for Sam to bring home her pie. Knots in her stomach, but a determination to go through with this next step in her journey.