Oblivion
DISCLAIMER: this is a work of fan fiction using characters from the Fifty Shades Trilogy, which are trademarked by E.L. James. I do not claim any ownership over them or the world Fifty Shades. This story is for entertainment only and is not part of the official story line. The banner used for this story isn't mine nor am I claiming it as mine.
I have tried to research to the best of my qualities and to make things as real as possible, but this is still fiction and my way of doing things.
No. 27 was only a few yards distant, but there had been a slight fall of snow, and Father and Mother Darling picked their way over it deftly not to soil their shoes. They were already the only persons in the street, and all the stars were watching them. Stars are beautiful, but they may not take an active part in anything, they must just look on for ever. It is a punishment put on them for something they did so long ago that no star now knows what it was. So the older ones have become glassy-eyed and seldom speak (winking is the star language), but the little ones still wonder. They are not really friendly to Peter, who had a mischievous way of stealing up behind them and trying to blow them out; but they are so fond of fun that they were on his side to-night, and anxious to get the grown-ups out of the way. So as soon as the door of 27 closed on Mr. and Mrs. Darling there was a commotion in the firmament, and the smallest of all the stars in the Milky Way screamed out:
"Now, Peter!-"
"ANA" someone screamed and it made me drop my favourite book in my lap and made my hands tremble. I looked up and saw one of my most cherished person.
"Katie, what brings you up to my humble and white abode tod-today?" Kate was my best friend and the most peculiar of people. She was a bold and bright human being and she liked to show it to the world in the form of her hair colour. Her natural blonde hair was orangey red today, like fire, and as usual it was styled to perfection.
"Um, you?"
"Are you asking me or telling me, h-hazard?" I loved making fun of her and she loved teasing me back, otherwise I would've gone insane here a long time ago.
"Whatever, Ana. I saw a number 10 here, just a couple of minutes ago", she said and she put her hands in front of her mouth and whispered, "right outside your door".
We had this joke that we would put a number on any man we saw together, we had seen a whole variety of men. Good looking ones and also those who weren't that good looking, but we had never encountered a true 10. We had saved that number until now. Kate really had high standards and if she said that he was a 10, that had to mean something.
"Are you sure? A 10? You know we have nev-never used a 10 before, Katherine." I told her in a mockingly shocked tone.
"Ana, he's exactly your type: darkish hair, mysterious aura... I couldn't read him at all and the receptionist literally drooled when he walked by. I saw her wipe the corner of her mouth and she even checked….." I tuned my best friend out as she recounted the reception incident. Little did she know that I had already met the mystery hottie and he truly was a 10. He was a mix of every sin in the world and his creator put a little extra hotness in the ingredients which wasn't really fair to the other people. A knock broke Kate out of her tirade and she looked at me in a weird way.
"Come in" I responded in a rather loud voice which sounded weird to my own ears and I internally cringed at hearing it.
The hottie came in and Kate's mouth opened in shock. I bet she couldn't believe that her number 10 was in my territory. He was holding a clipboard with some papers on it with a fancy looking fountain pen attached to it. He looked surprised to see Kate, but I believe that's because she looked like she caught fire and that was pretty much the only colour in this otherwise sterile chrome coloured environment. Kate snapped out of it and offered her hand.
"Hello, I'm Kate Kavanagh. Anastasia's friend." She beamed. I bet she was trying to get more information about him. My tenacious friend knew everything about every 7 or higher in this building.
"Hello, I'm Dr Grey and I'm Ms Steele's new neurosurgeon." He shook her hand firmly and Kate wiggled her eyebrows at me when he turned his back to her which made me snort lightly.
"Ms Steele, how are you feeling today? Any inflammation to the lungs, any discomfort in the chest, a cough, anything aching?" He started rattling off symptoms of pneumonia.
"Not really, it hurts a l-little to breath but I have the sa-same feeling as last time, so everything should be okay. Also, it's safe to say that my immune system still sucks."
It was so shocking to some people how I could be so casual with my condition, it still baffled Kate when I was talking about Huntington's Disease or HD as if I were talking about the weather or the timings of public transport. Christian got me out of my thinking when he placed a cuff around my bicep to check my blood pressure. He frowned when it beeped.
"Your BP is still quite high and I want it low by the time the nurse comes around for bed time. You got that Ms Steele?" He stared at me and wrote the numbers down. At that moment, my arm decided to go on a walk of its own.
I hated muscle spasms…
"Well, you're saying that as if I'm the cause for my blood pressure. Do yo- you see me doing any jum- jumping jacks or running laps. You'd be able to he-hear a boom and some crashing sounds i-if I would attempt i-it." I responded with my usual sass with a very noticeable stutter in my speech. I cursed mentally because I hated it when I stuttered.
"I'm sure that the nurse will notify me when any changes occur" Grey said, ignoring my jab. He picked up his clipboard, removed the cuff and walked away with a smooth bye.
I had forgotten that Kate was still there, which is quite an accomplishment since she looked like a non-extinguishable fire. As soon as the door hit close, she looked at me and spoke a silent 'oh my god'.
"He's a jerk, Ana, but he's a hot jerk. I'm honestly still speechless and why the hell didn't you tell me that you know him?" Katie asked. She wasn't quite angry, just a little annoyed. Probably because the tenacious Kavanagh didn't have all the information.
"I kind of forgot about him, K-Katie. I know he's easy on the eyes and that his face is probably v-very hard to forget, but not to me." I answered. She can't blame me for forgetting, since I've been forgetting everyone and their mother lately. My memory loss had been getting worse and there was nothing I could've done to stop it.
"I'm sorry, Steele. I know that but I just.." Her eyes started watering and my face softened a little "I'm just so worried all the time and I love you so much"
Kate was a good person, she cared about everyone around her. That's why I loved her so much. She was kind, generous and so loving and it showed. Some people look mean at the first impression, but Katie always had a smile on her face and that made people instantly like her. Asides from the fact that she was a little wacky, she was very easy on the eyes. I might even say that she looked like a Victoria's secret model, but I wouldn't ever admit it in front of her. She didn't like people going without food to showcase themselves.
"Oh Katie, you know I love you. I promise I'm not going any time soon" I held out my little finger even though it shook a little but she entwined hers with mine and we shook on it. We talked about everything, from boys to her work. Kate worked at the Seattle Times, but she had it difficult at work sometimes; not because she was bad at it, but because of her hair and her style. When her colleague asked her why she wouldn't change her hair back to her natural colour and wear a more office appropriate outfit, she said that it took a long time to find herself and form an attitude. Her boss didn't care about her fashion choices, as long as she delivered her work on time.
"I'm sorry I can't stay longer, Ana, but I still need to work on a couple of stories and columns and I have a deadline. I'll be back tomorrow or the day after, depends on my for chores tomorrow." She kissed me on the cheek and hugged me, hard, like she did every time when she left. We said our byes and she left. I wasn't alone very often but my family had their jobs and their lives too. That's why I had an arsenal of books here and there, but Peter Pan stayed my favourite.
A few pages further in the book, nurse Sarah came in to check my blood pressure and my breathing. She took another sample of my blood and I asked her whether it was okay for me to go to the gardens for a while. She said that she would check whether there was a nurse available to take me since it had gotten difficult for me to walk without support and I couldn't use a cane or a wheelchair with my spasms.
-O-
In the meantime the boys were gazing very forlornly at Wendy, now equipped with John and Michael for the journey. By this time they were dejected, not merely because they were about to lose her, but also because they felt that she was going off to something nice to which they had not been invited. Novelty was beckoning to them as usual.
I hadn't heard anyone come in and jumped when I saw someone watching me from the chair in the corner of the room. my leg shot out and I was shaking slightly from fright. It was Dr Grey.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you. I thought you were purposely ignoring me since I angered you a little when your friend was here." He said with concern in his eyes. He checked my breathing again and he smiled when he saw that nothing was wrong.
"I'm not going ou-out so easily, G-Grey. A little scare won't kill me." I laughed it off, but apparently he didn't find my black humour so funny. Oh, well. You learn to laugh it off after a while.
"What are you d-doing here, Dr Grey?" I asked him, confused, since he said that he would see me the next day.
"I was told that you need a companion to the gardens. Don't you?" he added when he saw my confused expression.
"Yes, but nurse Sarah said that she would ask one of the nurses to go with me. Don't you have too much work to do? I'd hate to keep you from it all." I rambled out and I was the first time in a long time that I had spoken a full paragraph without stuttering. It wasn't enough to give me hope though, that was lost a long time ago.
"All the nurses were doing their chores and I was the only free person to take you, besides they'll page me if something important comes up. Don't you worry about it and no, I won't get in any trouble." He read my mind there and I laughed it off. He held out his hand and I took it to raise myself out of the hospital bed. He minded the tubes and the wires and he gently took them out. It would look rather funny to see him carry a heart monitor in his arms while we are on a walk. Talk about a heart-to-heart. I laughed out loud at the visual when he was turning the machine off, he looked up and smiled when he saw my face. That smile looked great on him.
"Y-You should smile more, it sui-suits you." I instantly regretted it as soon as it came out, because that's not what you say to someone you met a couple of hours ago even if they're good looking.
"What makes you think I don't smile enough. You only met me today." He mentioned in that calm doctor voice that soothes you as he stood up.
"I don't know, I j-just had a feeling", I blushed even harder when he kept staring at me, "just forget I said it, okay?"
"Fine, let's forget it." He laughed at my red face and I did my best at scowling at him.
He held his hand out to me as if he was going to ask me to dance with him which would be a disaster really with my muscle spasms, I could kick him in the shins or worse, in the balls.
"Ms Steele, will you do me the honour of accompanying me on a walk through the gardens?" Dr Grey asked with a breath-taking smile. I was swooning on the inside like the Victorian ladies while clutching my heart with my baby pink handkerchief perfumed with roses. I grasped his hand and hoisted myself out of the bed as carefully as I could, but he did most of the work; from lifting me and moving the IV with us. Normally, I would move it myself but I needed someone to hold on to me in case I would fall down. I was losing muscles fast.
Once we were in the elevator, Dr Grey pressed the button to go the lobby and the elevator quickly went down. The tension was getting quite thick and uncomfortable because I could sense that he was looking – more like staring – my way and I felt myself redden, but I refused to acknowledge him; at least not in that small space. My daddy always told me that in the end, your dignity is the only thing that you'll have left. I breathed a sigh of relief when the elevator pinged and the doors opened. My leg trembled and spasmed, but he didn't say anything about it and just held me tighter to his arms, his very muscled and hard arms. We walked outside and my smile instantly grew larger, I rarely saw other people on the 8th floor except the doctors, nurses and my steady visitors. Here, there were all kinds of colours, kids playing on the mini-playground and other people who kept to themselves and seemed to have the weight of the world on their shoulders. I tried not be like them, but sometimes life finds a way to bite you in the ass when you least expect it.
I loved the smell and the brightness of the flowers that were put here. I remember my neon phase all too well, even continued it in the hospitals when I was admitted 2 years ago. I had to put an end to it when the nurses complained of headaches whenever they entered my room. Instead, I always kept some plants and flowers with me. They're vibrant, yet not enough to start complaining. Everyone liked flowers.
"So, how are you today?" he asked, trying to lighten the silence we ended up in.
"Are you really asking me a doctor-related question now? We could've saved us a tr-trip if you couldn't wait. Ask a real qu-question." He looked deep in thought as he pondered.
"Why Peter Pan?" I was put in a stupor as he asked me that. I couldn't believe that he had paid attention to the well-loved book that had found its home on my nightstand.
"Whenever I read Peter Pan, I get deeply depressed." He looked at me as if I was crazy and he made a gesture to me so I would explain it further.
"You see, I've always wanted to go to N-Neverland and fight the pirates and see the mermaids and sle-eep together with the lost boys under the starry nights. It's my f-favourite book because it represents dreams and faith, and those are very im-important when you have none. I'm very passionate about it, It's not just a children's story, y-you know." I ended my speech with a big sigh, tired from talking so much. His usual bitch face took a rest and a small smile apparated on him. He looked very impressed and I was glad, because I rarely impress people with my mindless babble.
"Well, Ms Steele, I might have to reread Peter Pan, because I can't quite remember it in that way." He squeezed my arm and I swear that I swayed a little. I could smell him and I swear I went to Neverland and came back. He smelt like sunshine and summer even though I would never be able to recognise those, but somehow it felt right.
"You certainly should, Dr G-grey. People who don't realise w-what a ge-gem Peter is, never redisc-cover their childhoods."
He cocked his head and I felt that he smiled his first real smile in years.
"You're a weird cookie, aren't you?" I knew that I needn't bother answering that question but I did it anyway.
"I've never been normal, Dr Grey. Normal is overrated nowa-nowadays. Look around you, get out from under that sterile, white r-rock. You'll see the world from-from a different perspective and t-trust me, you'll enjoy it."
"You know, people who insult me should be able to use my first name. Call me Christian." I thought my jaw would fall off after he said that. Who would've thought that uptight and strict Dr Grey- err Christian would behave that way.
"Watch out for birds flying in your mouth, Ms Steele" he teased me.
"Ana, call me Ana" Kate would slap the shit out of me if she ever saw me behaving this shyly around Christian. He waited for me to take the first step so that I wouldn't stumble and I shot him a grateful smile. After we got really talking, I forgot all about the smell and the vibrancy of the flowers and the people-watching.
It turned out to be the best day that I'd had in a very long while.
-O-
It had been a couple of weeks since our first meeting and we were closer than ever. Kate might have been my first best friend, but Christian knew more about me. He knew me inside-out as I did with him. There had been many layers over that heart of his and it took great power to strip them bare for me. Our friendship has been stronger than ever even though he said that he fell asleep when he was reading Peter Pan. He said he was 'tired'.
Tired, my ass..
I was tired though. No matter how much I slept, the fatigue somehow never seemed to disappear. Not after sleeping for 12 hours, not after a great powernap, not even after seeing Christian. Even after I tried to hide it from him, but as my neurosurgeon he saw through all my lies. Every stinking one of them. He cared for me and not just as my doctor and I loved him for it.
We had had such great times in the hospital and after my hospital visit, gathered so many memories that I would hate to lose, but little did I know that I would destroy them with my selfishness.
-O-
"I'm sorry, C-Christ-tian. I c-can't do it any l-longer. I'm s-so ti-red." I blurted it out and saw his face getting paler by the second. I knew that I was hurting him, a lot. I had been living like this for years and I didn't have much longer until I would reach a vegetative state. My organs were failing and I saw that he was afraid of it, too.
"You signed." He stated with an accusatory look on his face.
"M-mum asked our lawyer to p-put it together. We'll s-s-submit them to the ho-hospital in a couple o-of days." I was afraid of his reaction, but this was still my life and I didn't want to live this way, the constant pain it brought. I could no longer be alone, I could no longer walk. The advanced directive would release me and help the people around me get on with their lives. Doctors wouldn't be allowed to help me when I got close to dying; they weren't allowed to resuscitate me when I stopped breathing, when my heart gave out.
"Why are you telling me this then? Do I mean nothing to you? Does this relationship mean nothing to you?" Christian's voice got louder after every word and my tears fell with it.
"I v-value it s-s-so much. You g-got me through some da-days when I-I thought th-that I would d-die alone."
"So what now? You want me to watch you die? Or do you want me to kill you?" By the time he ended his rant, my sobs were uncontrollable and I couldn't get enough oxygen. He saw this and I never saw someone move so quickly, he pulled me out of the wheelchair and into his arms where I could feel his heartbeat.
"C'mon, Ana, breathe with me, with my heartbeat. You can do it, bestie." He used our special term of endearment that I reserved only for him. It took a while until my heart rate got back where it was just a couple of minutes ago. As a doctor, he knew it before me, but neither of us made a move to get out of our hug. It brought comfort to both of us that we wouldn't have admitted to needing, especially Christian. I was afraid that he would go back to being alone after I pass on, I was afraid of him being stuck in his hospital shell again.
After that he was afraid of setting me off like that again, especially after the hospital received the papers. And I guess that I took advantage of the fact that he wouldn't talk about it again. It made me feel guilty but I wouldn't have gone back on my word anyway. So I ignored it and he just waited until there would be another moment to talk about this, the consequences of the AD, but like I said.. I'm a coward.
-O-
Ana died on a Wednesday morning at 06.47 am from congestive heart failure. Her heart gave out in front of me and there was nothing I could've done for her. My heart died there with her, in that bright room, where even the flowers got dull after she perished.
It's been 2 days of constant pain since she passed and I set a routine for myself because as soon as I thought of her, it hurt too much to continue. Circumstances took away my light from me and I'm not coping. Not at all. I felt like I could scream every second of every hour. My heart's heavy and I have no idea when it might get easier to breathe or to think. Ana had been both my hobby and my duty and now I have nothing left anymore, coming to the hospital hurts and there's nothing else I can do. She took my every spirit with her.
From the corner of my eye I saw Kate walking towards me in a black dress. I'd never seen that colour on her and her vibrant blue hair seemed to be styled carelessly today. Kate's normally exuberant personality was bottled up, but her eyes were leaking sadness. She wordlessly kissed my cheek and handed me a typed letter. I knew that I couldn't wait much longer to read it, but it would take me even further into hopelessness.
-O-
Dear Christian,
I've rewritten and rephrased the words in this letter countless times and each and every time I couldn't pin those empty words to my emotions. As much as I wear them on my sleeve, I've never really been good at freeing my feelings the way you did. I didn't want there to be things left unsaid and this thing that I'm feeling is harder than any treatment that I've gone through. We've never really discussed or talked about my decision to end my existence in this world; I put my foot down when it came to it and you had to accept it blindly, follow my step as you've mostly done in this short time that we've known each other.
You knew why I went forward with the advanced directive. The constant pain and fear where my life would end up were getting too much for me. I never knew when I might have died. I could've gone in my sleep, after eating even after breathing too much and it was getting harder and harder lately to cope with HD. You saw it and even I saw it and we both didn't react to it until it was too late, until I had my mind set on that decision that I knew would bring us both great pain. You're disappointed in me, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I was just delaying the inevitable and I wanted to do it before I wouldn't be able to recognise myself. I took the cowardly way out and I just hope that you won't resent me for wanting to experience my own adventure.
You've been the best companion, the best friend that I could've asked for. I'll miss you. Too much. You have been such a great friend to me and I wish that I wasn't so sick and that we could've taken it a little further, but it's not fair to you. I want you to love freely and I want you to fall hard for a woman who can love you back equally. I want that for you, Christian even though I'm mighty jealous of the woman who will capture your heart because I know how passionately you love even though you tried to keep it from me.
You created many memories with me but I believe that my fondest one of you, and of us is the impromptu dance that we had in the middle of the gardens with those fairy lights and the summer breeze. You made me feel weightless that moment when you held me close to your body. Every part of me came alive. There may not have been music but the deafening silence held more unspoken words than I was able to stutter. The movements were enough to last a lifetime.
Thank you for making it bearable for me, thank you for being mine.
Be free. Be happy and just love with your entire heart and as my friend Peter Pan said: "to live will be an awfully big adventure". I did my living, Christian. It's your turn now. Tag, you're it!
Love,
Anastasia Rose Steele
She signed the letter herself, in her slightly childish handwriting caused by her enemy. When I turned the envelope, a batch of sobs rose out of me. The silly girl had written her return address.
Anastasia Steele
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
Neverland
-O-
I thought that watching her dying would've been the hardest thing that I would've experienced, but seeing them lower her body in that stuffy muddy earth made me lose my breath a few times. She didn't deserve to be confined like that. It wasn't final before, but now I knew that there wasn't any way that she was never coming back to me. My girl was gone and with her the light that she brought with her. This weight on my heart wasn't ready to disappear yet and I wasn't ready to let her go this soon.
I knew that I loved her and she knew it too, but my love was doomed from the start. Ana never let her love anyone because of her disease, she was afraid of it hurting more people than was necessary but somehow she let me in. I'm not sure if she regrets it, but I certainly don't. The feeling of having known someone like Ana is greater than any pain in the world. A spirit as free as hers couldn't have been chained forever in that wretched wheelchair and her frail body. I don't know whether she arrived in her Neverland but I hope that she's happy wherever she is.
When you fall asleep
With your head upon my shoulder
When you're in my arms
But you've gone somewhere deeper
When oblivion is calling out your name
You always take it further than I ever can….