Family Guy's Extra Special Road Trip (Season 1)

Episode 6: The Family Feud (No Pun Intended; Sorry Richard)

Episode Summary: The Griffin family arrives in San Fransisco, and they meet the Tanner family. Even though they all get along very well quickly, when Peter gets into a fight with Danny Tanner over who is a better father, a family war ensures, hence the episode title. Meanwhile, everytime one of the Griffin leaves the house, Peter becomes suspicious that they went and hung out with the Tanners, and it seriously irritates them to no end.

Disclaimer: Family Guy and Full House do not belong to me. They belong to Seth MacFarlane and Jeff Franklin

TV-14-DLV (Rated T on the site)

"Dialogue"

'Thoughts', Long-distance conversations (such as on the phone), song lyrics, or cutaways/flashbacks

"Voice-overs, either from a flashback in present time, or from present time during a Flashback."

Peter was forced into prison due to his hanus actions in the previous town. But, after Lois had bailed him out and apologized to the friends at Foster's, they all set out once again on the open road. Better call the military.

The trip, though, was not as quiet as it used to be, because Chris & Meg kept arguing, Peter was intoxicated, and Brian had accidentally gotten his leg caught in the passenger's door. And after all of that, Peter had accidentally driven the car right into a gasoline truck, which caused the entire car to be lit on fire.

Thankfully, nobody got hurt, and shockingly enough, Peter wasn't arrested. So the family continued to drive off to who knows where.

Oh wait, I know. They were heading off to San Fransisco. They didn't mean to, but that is exactly where they ended up going. Of course, none of them realized this until they had actually arrived.

They parked their car into the driveway, unpacked their stuff, got acquiented in their new home, and then stepped outside to observe their new surroundings.

"Wow, this is such a beautiful city." Lois said observing the many houses and their beautiful structures.

"I wonder of the Jews had to build these homes during the Holocaust." Peter said, once again oblivious to what the Holocaust really was. Everyone looked at him. "What? I'm just saying they did a very good job on these homes. Even better than I did when I had to build a snow fort."

(Cue Cutaway)

We cutaway to Peter Griffin when he was a child along with many of his friends, who are looking at Peter's poorly built snow fort and are giving Peter disgusted looks.

"What? You said build a snow fort a be gentle with it. That's why I used a shovel. Be thankful I didn't call in a crane."

(End Cutaway)

The Griffin family went across the street to the big, tall, white house where, unbenounced to them, the Tanner family lived. They rang the doorbell to their home, and waited for an answer. "Oh boy, I hope these guys are home. It'd be a bit awkward to, you know, ring the doorbell to a home and it turns out they're selling it due to an unreasonable debt or favor to the mob."

The family continued to wait as they slowly exchanged confused glances at Peter. Finally, the front door to the home opened and there stood a middle-aged man with a guitar over his shoulders and two pint-sized children at his feet.

"Uh hi. We're the Griffin family. We just moved in." Peter began telling the person. "We're on a year-long road trip to find new adventures and people to have sex with."

"Um, thanks, but why are you telling--"

"Oh, and I am also required to tell you by law that I am a sex offender."

"What!?"

"Oh come on, Lois! I thought you knew!"

"Uh..." The Guitar Guy was greatly confused. "OK, listen, if you guys are just gonna stand there, I'm gonna go back inside and play with my kids."

"What the hell's this guy's problem? I'm trying to have a decent conversation with him and he's turning me off. It's like the way Michael Jackson tunes you out after you've eaten the last pudding in his fridge."

"Peter, what in God's name are you talking about? Are you high again?"

"No. Actually, it wore off about 4 hours ago."

"I wasn't trying to-"

"No, no! You know what, screw you, pal! If you don't want to have a decent conversation with me, then fine! You know, I'm just-I'm just gonna go find myself a golf course, or maybe a bar, and just raise hell. I am gonna have even more fun today than I did that time I...I...oh dammit! We're running low on cutaways! I blame the damn FCC!" And with that, Peter took his leave and went to find a golf course or a bar.

Peter was gone for the entire day. Meanwhile, his family had actually gone inside the man's home and met the entire Tanner family, consisting of Danny, Stephanie, DJ, & Michelle Tanner, Rebecca & Jesse Katsopolis along with their two kids Nicky and Alex, and of course, the Comedian, Joey Gladstone. They all sat around and had a talk, getting to know each other a little bit better.

It turned out that everyone managed to get along with each other, and had fun making jokes about Peter, which was relatively easy to do. The time passed seemlessly without anyone noticing.

They all exchanged stories, ranging from the time DJ almost became anorexic to the time Stephanie started her own band to the time the Griffins opened up their own restaurant to the time Peter accidentally stole $150,000 from the government.

And while they were having fun making jokes, Peter was having fun swinging at golf balls, strangely enough. He was imagining each ball he hit was the face of the Guitar Guy that he saw earlier....unfortunately, he wasn't doing very well. In fact, he was 32 over par.

He continued swinging in anger as he tried to hit the balls and score, while another middle-aged man, half his weight and about his age, came around carrying a bag of golf clubs. He put down a golf ball, grabbed a club, and started swinging at the ball as well.

"Damn people who play instruments. They think they own the freakin' world. Them with their big guitars and their other instruments..." Peter kept mumbling to himself as the other guy kept swinging.

"Stupid IRS!" The other man said to himself. "I paid my morgage, but they're charging me more anyway!"

"Damn rock stars! They think they own the place! I blame the Albany Senate! They should've been doing their jobs."

"I'm a tax-payer, dammit, and they have the nerd to just brush me aside like that!?"

"I'm even more pissed off than that time I went to see that Dunham guy."

"And all because I try to be a good person and not kill anyone!" They both said this last line at the same time. Then once they realized this, they looked at each other weirdly, and then turned back to their thing, trying to pretend it never happened.

"Jeez, that was even weirder than that time I went to Comic Con '09 and found that douchebag who was dressed like me."

(Cue CUtaway)

We cutaway to Comic Con '09 and Peter is browsing around when he comes across a man who is dressed exactly like him and has a red beard and mustache. Turns out it is his father Mickey McFinnigan, but Peter can't tell.

"Oh that's real funny you son of a bitch."

(End Cutaway)

Later that day, over at the Tanner family, the Griffin family were just about to leave the Tanner home after spending an entire day with the Tanner family. It's just a shame Peter had to blow up the way he did. Otherwise he could've enjoyed this day too.

"Hey, that was my line, you jerk!"

Shut up, Meg.

"Thank you all so much for inviting us into your home." Lois said to the family as they began departing. "I hope my husband's outburst earlier didn't tamper with your good moods or anything."

"Oh no worries, we always have a crazy guy come up to our house and flip one of us off." Jesse replied jokingly sharing with the family a little laugh. "But I gotta say, at first I thought you guys were just a bunch of crazy drug addicts based on the way your husband acted. But you guys are a lot more fun than the Jonas Brothers were last week."

"You saw that, too?" Brian asked him referring to the 2009 Teen Choice Awards. Jesse nodded. "Oh god, that joke was terrible!"

(Cue Cutaway)

We cutaway to the 2009 Teen Choice Awards where Joe Jonas was about to be given a haircut by a fat black guy. Of course the joke was that Joe was actually wearing a wig so his real hair was protected, and no one in the audience knew about it. Of course, they should've known, this way what happened next would have happened.

A fan who was so terrified of Joe's hair being cut actually ran up onto the stage with a gun and shot the black guy in his chest. Then she started beating him in the head with the gun calling him the 'N' word. Pretty soon everyone was on stage either helping the fan or trying to stop her. Either way it was total chaos and 24 people ended up dead. But don't tell the media.

(End Cutaway)

"Oh my god, that was funny as hell." Stewie commented after laughing over the tragic night.

"Uh, no it wasn't. 24 people dying isn't funny?"

"What?"

"Yeah. 24 people died that night from the chaos that transpired. Didn't you watch the whole thing?"

"No. Lois shut the damn TV off before they got past the cutting the hair off part. Dammit, I cannot believe I missed a mass suicide! Those make the best Television!"

Before Brian, Stewie, nor anyone could go any further, they heard some distant laughing coming from up the streets, so they turned in that direction to find the fathers of the families, Peter Griffin & Danny Tanner, coming down the road. They were arm in arm and laughing up a storm, to the chargin of the other neighbors who were high on methaine and to the surprise of the whole family.

"And the French guy goes, "Deoderant? What's that?" Peter continued laughing as he and Danny approached the Griffins.

"Oh god, you are something, Peter."

"Thanks, you too."

"No, I-I mean it. I-I haven't had this much fun with anyone in years."

"Really? Wow, you must be more miserable than I was that time I tried to imitate the Joker."

(Cue Cutaway)

We cutaway to the Hudson River, where there are two boats out, parrallel to each other; one boat has terrorists on it heading to a prison, while the other has tourists. One of the luitenants on the boat with the tourists on it finds a little box that contains a little button in it, and shows it to the captain. Upon hearing this, everyone begins to panic.

"Greetings, from Peter Griffin." Peter said over the intercom. "Why so serious? Come on, this is gonna be fun. I have lots of fun for you guys." Nobody's moods were lifted. "OK, we've got a boat of tourists and a boat of terrorists. I will blow up both of the boats at midnight."

"Oh my god!" One of the tourists yelled in fear.

"However, each boat has a detonator that will blow up the opposite boat. If one boat decides to blow up the other boat, I will not blow up the boat that blows up the other boat. Quite the moral quandary, is it not?"

This little 'Moral Quandary' as Peter called it stirred up quite some arguing between the tourists, as they tried to understand the purpose of this game Peter conjured up.

"Then let's vote on neither boat blowing up."

"No, no he said we decide!"

"Then I decide that neither boat should blow up!"

"Wait, so we vote?"

"No, no we just press a button, I think--"

"I don't understand. What does this prove exactly?"

Eventually, after much confusion and dismay, the toursits did come to a consensus. "Uh, Mr. Griffin, sir? We came to a consensus. We vote that neither boat should blow up." One of them said through the intercom, thinking they had answered the riddle.

"That's not a choice!" Peter bellowed through the intercom.

"Uh, then you better explain it again!"

Peter sighed. "I will blow up both the boats..."

"OH MY GOD!!"

"Unless...unless one boat blows up the other first."

"Um, what are the other options?"

"There are no other options."

"Ask him when both boats blow up!" One of the others asked.

"MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT!" He kept shouting to them over the intercom.

"OK, folks, that gives us a good fiftenn minutes." The captain began saying. "Everybody into the lifeboats-"

"No, no! No lifeboats! I said that you couldn't use them!"

"You never said that-"

"I did...way back at the beginning." Well, actually, he didn't. But he was trying to cover up his tracks.

"Oh, you better go over the rules again."

Back at his control center, Peter was growing impatient and angry. "Oh for the love of -- it's a cash 22!" Meanwhile, Peter had no idea that some policemen were behind him, having snuck in while he wasn't looking, and they were armed and ready to shoot. "Look, there are two boats. At midnight-" And after that, the police shot him to the ground.

(End Cutaway)

"Danny, what the hell is this!?" Jesse called out, frustrated./

"What?"

"Do you know this man flipped me off earlier today?"

"What?"

"Yeah, he yelled at me for no reason and called me a douchebag. He's a menace!"

"Now, hold on a second..." Lois started, trying to reason.

"I can't believe they even let that guy out onto the streets!"

"Now wait just a damn-"

"And another thing--"

"OK, that's enough!!" Lois finally snapped, getting in front of Jesse so he couldn't degrade Peter anymore. "Look, Peter may not be the perfect father, but at least he cares for his children! He's never let his mental retardation stopped him from being a father! And I certainly don't appreciate you talking about him like he's a lowly insect. He's a human being like us and deserves to be treated as such!"

"Yeah, you're even worse than those people at those city hall meetings where they discuss the Healthcare reform. My god, those can get violent and gay at the same time. I should know, I've been to a dozen of them since last year."

"Look, Peter may not be father of the year, but at least he cares enough to put the children's needs first. If he didn't have his job, we would be living on the streets. I mean, it's because of him that our kids have a college fund."

"Uh...yeah, about that, Lois..."

"Oh no, Peter, what did you do?"

"Um...I spent all of the kids' college funds on beer and cocaine."

"What!? When did this happen?"

"Um...let's see...Ronald Reagan's funeral, that makes it...2004."

"WHAT!?"

"Look, that's not important right now. What's important now..." Peter said, grabbing his new friend. "is that I have a brand new friend."

"Yeah! And it doesn't matter that I'm a more responsible parent than you." Danny continued laughing while Peter's laughing ceased. He looked at Danny squarely which caused him to stop abrutly as well.

"Well, I don't know about that. I mean, I have two boys and one girls. All you got is 3 bitches, a guitar guy, and a drunken comedian who doesn't even know left from right."

"Well..." Danny said, chuckling, trying to hide his anger. "I don't know about drunken, but he is kinda whacky sometimes."

"Yeah, whacky as in 'whack-your-penis in-my-face' whacky, not whacky as in 'oh-look-it's-that-guy-who-does-cartoon-voices-who-aren't-even-on-TV-anymore-but-they're-still-in-our-hearts-because-all-gay-guys-love-the-looney-toons' whacky."

Danny stared at him for a long moment, before PEter asked "What?" again.

"I don't appreciate you talking down on my friends & family."

"I'm not. I'm just talking about some gay guys that I'd meet in some bars I want to go to this week."

"You were talking about my family!"

"Oh really?"

And as if God was messing with his mind, Joey GLadstone, Rebecca Donaldson & her kids, and Danny's kids came outside and stared at him, angry and cross-armed.

"Yeah, really."

"Well, I'm sorry if all of your family are nothing but pimps and whores. At least my family's straight and willing to compromise!"

"What does that even mean?"

"It means your a Jew!"

"OK, that's it!" Danny punched Peter in his jaw, and soon enough the two were in a forceful fight to the finish, with neither of them letting up for a second. Everyone had to interveine just to keep them from murdering each other. During which, Danny and Peter both exchanged profanity to each other, and Stewie was busy enjoying the fight and eating some popcorn.

"Oh this is better than HD TV!"

End of Chapter 1!

Sorry for such the long wait. I promise I haven't abandoned my stories, but I'll just need more time to update!

Next Time: The family war ensures, and what happens next is something not even the CIA is prepared for.

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