"Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power." - Oscar Wilde
In the infamous words of her ancient ancestors, FML.
One big slap to the the fucking face. That's what this day was. In fact, that's was this week, in general, was turning out to be. First of all, dogs were not allowed in Headquarters. Second of all, the man who just had himself a decent handful of her ass was going to die in the next three seconds. Darcy Lewis had him in a locked stare from across the room and she hoped that she looked like a blue-eyed leopard about to rip his dick off.
He took a moment to glance- nervously- in her direction.
Oh yeah, that's right little man, feel very afraid.
A minute smile crawled across her mouth.
Nobody grabbed Darcy's ass without her permission. She wasn't some Hooters employee, and the words 'I couldn't help but touch it' were not, under any circumstance, flattering. They were shabby, over-used, and the lamest excuse ever. If you wanted to grab some ass, just appeal to the sympathy of female kind; explain to them, eye to eye, that you couldn't get laid because you were a dirt bag, and so you needed, this one time, to hold a butt. But don't just fucking seize it.
That's why he was going down.
The dangly earrings she had decided to adorn that day, however, had other plans. An abrupt tug to one of the shiny pieces brought her out of murder-land and into pain-land. She snarled, wrapped her hand around the German Shepherd pup, and pulled it up off the floor.
"Let go," she told Tiero, glaring at the pointy-eared demon. He obliged and plopped down into her lap, panting sweetly, looking up at her.
"No," she said.
His ears flopped down.
She sighed. "Fine. Do you want to go for a walk?"
He yipped in delight, hopped down onto the floor, and proceeded to flip the hell out.
Darcy scooped Tiero back into her arms, scolding the dog for its stupidity. Then again, he was only a puppy. And really cute. And tiny. And- okay, Darcy, don't get sidetracked by adorable shenanigans; you're duties are walk a dog and then kick ass. No distractions.
She grabbed his leash off her desk and made a move for the door with the little dog tucked under her shoulder.
"Darcy?" Ian raised an eyebrow as his girlfriend (and boss) stalked past in obvious displeasure.
"Taking Fido out." She didn't even bother to look Ian's way when she passed, instead pretending she was engrossed on getting the leash hooked onto his collar and not snagging fur in the process.
Ian opened his mouth to offer his services, but the woman was already flying through the doorway. He sighed and turned back to his computer.
"Would you please hurry up?" The request fell on deaf ears. Tiero, who was apparently going to be the next revolution in superhero dog, had a thing for barking at squirrels. And pedestrians. And trying to get small children to pet his butt. As a side note, the small children were more than happy to oblige.
"Alright, take your happy, waggly ass to that post and piss right now, or so help me I will give you away to a homeless woman. Tiero!" Darcy was getting fed up with being dragged around by a fifteen pound ball of fur really fast. They had already conquered at least the entire street of Orange boulevard and not once had he lifted his leg.
The dog stopped, turned around, and looked at Darcy, head quirking to the side.
"Pee," she demanded, trying to resist the cute-ness.
He kept staring, oblivious to what the strange human crazy woman was saying.
"How the hell are you going to pass for a real canine when you can't even mark your territory?! Lady dogs are never going to like you."
He barked and took charge at the unsuspecting Darcy, obviously taking her attention with a grain of salt. Tiero jumped around Darcy's legs, nipping at her stockings with painfully sharp teeth, trying to grab her flesh in his mouth. He succeeded a couple of times without her pushing him off. The black leggings she had on were no match for his teeth, though, and they were littered with rips by the time she managed to push him away. Well, for a second, at least.
"No! Bad Tiero! Ow! You little-"
To anyone else watching the fiasco, it probably was pretty comical. A girl struggling to pull a tiny dog off of her leg, spinning around, and then falling face first on the sidewalk. Of course, the puppy saw this as a golden opportunity, and pounced on the bundle of hair atop Darcy's head, biting her ears and trying to rip the roots from her skull while soiling her shirt with his dirty, mud-stained paws.
"I am going to-"
"Miss Lewis," interrupted a very annoyed voice from above her sprawled form. She lifted her head from the pavement to see Jane's new associate. His arms were crossed and he didn't look too happy- but what self-respecting company owner would? "Need I remind you that I requested you stay in the building?" Offhandedly, he snapped at Tiero, making a motion with his finger for the dog to come.
Tiero froze in an abrupt halt and stepped off Darcy in favor of sitting calmly by his master's feet. Well, that was a distinct change from the personality he'd had only moments before. Darcy scowled at the tiny creature while pulling herself up off the ground.
She brushed her blouse off and tried not to give fancy man the evil eye. "He needed to pee," she reasoned, "and I wasn't gonna let him do it all over the carpet. Have you ever tried to get pee-stains off a carpet?"
"Nevertheless, my demands fell on deaf ears," he grumbled, "it's dangerous to be out here- by yourself- with him."
"What's he gonna do? Acid piss on my leg?"
He gave her a glare. "Thank you for watching him, Miss Lewis. Remind your boss that I will be in touch."
As the man stalked away with a tight grip on Tiero's leash, Darcy waved at them both. "Yeah, I'll be sure to do that!" she called.
"Dick," she murmured, turning around and trumping back to Headquarters with a scowl on her face and a few good rips in her leggings. If there was one thing she could not stand, it was wealthy, white business men who thought they owned the general population of New York. Except Tony. He was cool.
When she slammed back through the broad glass doors, Jane was standing beside Ian, pointing at his computer screen. "See," she was saying, "these markings mean something entirely different as opposed to the ones across from them."
Darcy tried not to roll her eyes at the way Ian was taking this boring shit in; just nodding like he was interested. She leaned on the desk beside him and looked over at what Jane was babbling on about. Readings. More readings. Her life was like one big intergalactic reading.
"So," she stated blankly.
They both looked at her expectantly.
Darcy raised her hands in defense. "Whoa, sorry, I just thought you'd start explaining some boring science stuff on cue."
Ian grinned, but Jane did not. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked at Darcy like she had just committed scientific homicide. Which reminded her, anyway, that she had a bone to pick with a certain ass-grabber in the room.
"Darcy," Jane started, "do you think it's wise for you to be pissing Carter off before we can get him to endorse half our new equipment?"
"What?" Darcy asked, "he's just mad cuz' his dog likes me better than him. And somebody has to do some pissing around here, because lord knows that animal is not going too."
"He's not mad," Jane retorted, not bothering to show confusion for her comment. Darcy was good at confusing people, but Jane could sidestep that easily from years of exposure. "He just tends to get annoyed when interns don't follow his instructions."
"He told me to watch the dog," Darcy reminded, "usually, watching dogs requires a bathroom break every three hours or so."
"It was only an hour, Darcy," Ian added.
"Umm, Ian, who do you work for?" Darcy raised both eyebrows at the sheepish boy, a smug look of superiority on her face.
He cleared his throat, straightened his tie, and then looked over at Jane as if for assistance in dealing with the brunettes anger.
Jane looked down at Ian almost pitifully, then raised her eyes to level at Darcy. "Ian got a job in the technology department, Darce. He's not your intern anymore."
"What?!" Darcy groaned. Her condescending look turned to child-who-got-their-toy-stolen-face. "First you take away my bathroom breaks and then my slave? That was my only simple pleasure in life."
Ian patted her hand, but Darcy wretched that same appendage away from his touch. "And when were you going to tell me about this?!" she petitioned.
"Er," he tried, rubbing the back of his neck and shoving the comforting hand into his lap. "I wasn't. That's why Jane just did."
"Why?" Darcy asked, directing the question at Jane this time.
"Because you wouldn't hurt me," Jane told her, smiling a little despite herself. "And it was my fault."
"And you didn't think I would hurt you why?" Darcy asked, lowering her eyes.
"I'm special." Jane proceeded to push a hand through her pocket and dig out a shiny pair of keys that Darcy had never seen before- oh, but how she had always wanted to see them. Jane dangled them in the fluorescent light, teasing both her and Ian with the shimmery glow for a moment, but Ian, unlike Darcy, just looked annoyed. "Guess who got an official S.H.I.E.L.D. car?"
"No." Darcy's mouth was about two inches away from catching flies, and her shoulders were slumped down in awe. This was not happening. Awesome things, after all, did not and could not happen on generally crappy days.
"Oh yeah." Jane's look reminded Darcy of that one time when they were younger and she got the tickets to see Pearl Jam for twenty dollars off. Her grin was glaring.
"We get to be like real agents now!" Darcy wailed.
Ian quirked an eyebrow at both of the hyper women as they proceeded to flip over a new car that they would both have to, presumably, split between them, and, not to mention, only be able to drive on official business matters. He then decided to point this out if only to quiet the incessant celebrating.
They both stopped ranting for a moment in favor of glaring at Ian.
"Shut up," Darcy told him.
Ian turned back to his laptop with a sigh, ignoring their renewed squeals of jubilee.
Darcy grabbed Jane's tiny waist in a tight hug, lifting her friend off the ground just a tad bit and ignoring the laughing protests. Although she was astoundingly happy about the whole thing, there was one minor life detail that she was over-looking. Alright, actually, there were some major ones, but the only important one right then was getting even. And Darcy Lewis might have been bad at some things (such as deadlines and work in general), but getting even was not one of those things.
She plucked the keys from Jane's hand, and, without warning, left her and Ian standing by his desk. Sauntering and condescending, Darcy Lewis trudged up to Mr. Can't Keep His Hands To Himself and smiled warmly.
Every fear he had been harboring for her the moment she had cast that pointed glare from across the room now spilled out onto the surface. He distinctly reminded her of a mouse caught by the cat. The fierce, sexy, doesn't-take-you-shit cat.
Darcy Lewis was an up-front kind of person, but when she couldn't kick you in the face right away- such as in an important business meeting- she came later and destroyed you.
Heady with power, she raised the keys to eye-level with him. "Know what these are?" she asked prettily.
He shook his head no.
"S.H.I.E.L.D. car keys. Agent car keys. My car keys. And the next time you decide to grab a ladies ass without permission, consider that, later, she might be able to hunt you down and run you over with her brand new, sleek, black ride. Which also happens to be very inconspicuous in nature. So catching said murderous culprit would be kind of hard to do. Got that, dude?"
He nodded. "I'm sorry," he said, still trying to save his own ass (how ironic). "I thought it was a compliment."
She almost laughed out loud. Obviously, he was new here. "Compliment?" She rolled her eyes, reared her foot back, and then stomped on his foot with her new converse. After all, they were fresh off the shelves, and they needed to see some action to be properly broken in.
The man howled, grabbing his shiny black shoe in one hand.
Some of the more concerned agents looked their way. Most did nothing, though. Kind of like cool parents, the workers of S.H.I.E.L.D. didn't concern themselves with personal matters. It was a superhero agency, after all. If they were used to a guy throwing around his magic hammer and summoning thunderstorms, then they were certainly not opposed to a lady showing some thunder of her own.
"What was that for?!" He hissed.
"It was a compliment," she grinned, turning on her heel. "Oh, by the way bro," she added, looking over her shoulder at the seething guy, "I like your shoes."
Drunk off of Thor-like power and working her stuff, she pranced back to Jane and threaded an arm through her own. "Let's go test out the car."
Jane looked her over for a moment, then pulled her arm away. She grabbed the keys from Darcy's hand and stuffed them into her own pocket. "I'll drive."
"Did he grab your ass or something?" Ian asked, looking very oblivious to this whole situation.
"Ian, you're so adorably British. I'll see you at my place tonight."
For, unfortunately, not the first time in his life, Ian wondered why he was always the one watching people cat-walk out of glass doors confused as hell.
Before Jane could put the car into gear, there was a light tap at the window that made her and Darcy both shriek.
"What the hell?!" Darcy screeched, her phone laying forgotten on the floor from where she had dropped it, all the adrenaline in her rapidly dropping when she saw the face of none other than Thor on the outside of the glass.
Jane pressed the down button on the window.
"Thor!" Darcy yelled. "You're really hot, but things like that are a no-no. Women are already bad enough drivers as it is without pieces of man candy running around and trying to give them heart-attacks." There was a give-them-heart-failure-with-your-penis-instead joke in there somewhere, but that was beneath her.
"My apologies." Thor reached an arm through the window and clasped Jane's shaky hand in his own, pulling it away from the steering wheel. "Jane, are you alright?"
Jane looked him over for a moment, then she laughed. "I'm okay. I guess I was just excited."
"Alright, none of this novel-length teen romance stuff," Darcy grumbled, trying to reach down and see where her phone had decided to land. She rested her cheek against the dash, keeping her eyes on Thor and Jane.
"We were just about to test drive," Jane told him, ignoring Darcy's comments. "Would you like to join us?"
Thor smiled. "As appealing as it sounds to watch you and Darcy drive your new toy, I have something I need to discuss with you. And it is important," he added, narrowing his gaze just slightly for serious effect.
"Okay, what kind of important?" Darcy interrupted, her face still smashed against the dashboard. "Like, fly-off-to-Asgard-without-Darcy important?"
Apparently, there was some unspoken connection between the scientist and the beefcake- ha, that should be a romance novel title- because Thor was looking at Jane and Jane was looking at Thor, and unlike all their other gaze-into-each-other's-eyes appointments Darcy had tagged along on, they actually looked like they didn't want to rip each other's clothes off this time.
Jane turned over to Darcy just as she found her iPhone and pulled it up off the car carpet.
"What?" Darcy said.
"I'll be right back. Do not drive this car without me." Jane took the keys out of the ignition and handed them to Darcy.
She took them. "Um, okay, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but that was very contradictory."
Jane popped open the car door and left Darcy sitting alone in the comfy leather. While her and Thor were walking away, she snapped a picture of both their backsides, pushed post, and admired her new Instagram photo with a smirk.
The tags were #bodaciousbooties, #lookatdatass, and #assgardian. Classy.
But Jane better hurry the heck up or Darcy Lewis would be tempted to christen this car on her own. And she would do it. She would do most things for a good ride.